The Lost Art of Fingering

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It's no secret around these parts how much I love the pipe. So much so that when it comes to secksy time I don't really care to take a detour through foreplayland or oralville - I want to be on the express train to coitustown. But if there's one destination I'll take the scenic route through, it's fingering.

Ah fingering. Once upon a time before we lost our virginities it was the height of sexual activity. Now you're lucky if you get one measly finger halfway inserted for two seconds before the show goes on. I swear men put about as much care and attention into fingering as I do into dipping my hands into the pomade jar before I smooth down my hair and it's just not right.

Men - lean in close and let me tell you something important: fingering is a win. It's not just what you do to coax out the love that hasn't come down on its own, it's what you do to get the girl open so that she's begging you for more. If you don't know how to do that do not ever attempt to fuck me I don't know what to say to you. But I will share some tips that will work for me the majority of women.

1. Groom yourself

If you try to shove your raggedy fingernails into my silk purse you are gonna snag the lining. And that is not a good thing. There's no reason for your shit not to be groomed in the first place, but please make sure you handle that before you come around me.

2. It's not a lesbian porno

So please do not immediately attempt to shove your entire fist in my ladyflower. If fisting is what you're into we can talk about it you need to ease your way into it.

3. If you're not hitting the G spot don't even bother

There is nothing worse than a dude fingering you and hitting everything in there but the money spot. Do your research and find out where the G spot is and what to do when you find it. Otherwise keep your fingers to yourself.

5. Two in the pink, one in the stink

#FTW. That's all. Google it if you're brand new.

Those are my  tips for fingering, but I'm sure you guys have more to add. Ladies how do you feel about fingering - is it a lost art or can you do without it? Men - do you apply yourself to this task or just try to get 'er done before you move on to the main event? It's Friday - overshare!

This is the end, beautiful friend (Max in Real Life)

This is the end.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I'm a month and a bit away from a big birthday. At the end of September I'll be 35.

Wow. Still can't wrap my head around that. It just seems so...grown.

Aside from the fact that turning 35 officially makes me closer in age to 40 than to 30, this is a milestone birthday because it has always been the hard-stop, no excuses, no matter what age at which I have to quit smoking.

Sigh.

To my knowledge, none of my readers are smokers so I doubt that any of you can really feel me on this. But the idea of forging on through life without my constant companion is more than a little daunting. Except for two years when I accidentally quit smoking, I've been a smoker my entire adult life. It's who I am, what I do, and how I deal. And yes I know it's disgusting. Yes I know it will kill me. I know that I stink and my sense of smell and taste are impaired. But still the idea of life as a non-smoker just seems unholy to me.

I am very curious though to see what happens to my "love" life when I'm smoke-free. In the 15 or so years that I've been smoking I've had innumerable men express their dismay over my penchant for the demon weed. By that logic, once I'm a non-smoker those men should be lining up to take me out. Then I'll get to see if dating is any different when you don't have to duck out for smoke breaks. (I'm kidding, I don't do that. Unless I don't like the dude)

Increase in ass or not, I'm committed to giving it a shot. I have an action plan and it started this week. Just as I didn't become a nicotine junkie overnight, the process is gonna be long. I have a quit date in mind but I'm holding it down for now. But I'm putting my intention out in the universe in the hopes that making a public declaration will somehow galvanize me to make this happen.

I'm also calling on the words of the patron saint of self-destruction (that would be Jim Morrison for those of you who are new) to bid goodbye to my beautiful friend:

This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end.

I'm on Beehive FM Today!

Only a few days left - don't forget to vote for me!

Sorry guys I have no real post for you today but if you're jonesing for a little max in your life, check me out today on The Kenny Burns Show at www.beehivefm.com. I'm on at 3pm (Eastern) today!

We're talking about The Great Guy and the Regular Chick that little post I wrote a while back that resulted in me getting my ass handed to me in the comments on the FreshXpress. Check it out if you haven't yet.


Check me out today at 3pm at www.beehivefm.com or on Ustream

Any 10 on Tuesday with Melissa

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.

It's Tuesday and that means it's time for “Any 10 on Tuesdays” where each week I ask some poor sucker an interesting person a bunch of questions. This week we're talking to the lovely Melissa; who I think wins the prize for most frequent commenter on this blog. I have the pleasure of knowing her in real life but for those of you who don't, here are her 10 answers.

Ready? Let's begin.

Describe yourself in three sentences or less:

I like surprising people. I'm probably more cultured and well-rounded than anyone really knows, or that I let on. I love my dog.

1. Thong or boyshorts?

Both. A girl's gotta have options for any occasion. Funny thing though...I didn't start wearing thongs until a few years ago because I couldn't mentally accept the fact that they could be comfortable.

2. Could you be in a relationship that is not monogamous? Why or why not?

No, I could not. If I were to do it, I’d feel guilty and like I wouldn't be giving either person enough of me. And just thinking about the person I’m into being the way he is with me with someone else would make me very upset.

3. If you were alone in your boy/girlfriend’s house, would you snoop?

No. that's the epitome of insecure, something I try not to be. Plus...what if I got caught?!

4. What is your favourite sexual position?

I like them all, but I really like the feeling of a man on top of me. Makes me feel like I’m with a man, which in turn makes me feel more like a woman.

5. Blow job or hand job?

Blow job. I really don't understand handjobs. They seem so lazy and half assed. And more work.

6. What is your most embarrassing sexual experience?

Any time blood is involved, it's embarrassing (and gross....but it happens! sometimes it's a surprise!). But the funniest time was when my dog jumped on the bed and started humping the dude's leg. Dude shook my dog off, sending him flying into the wall. My poor dog. I felt so bad for him.

7. Which habit of yours most annoys the people you date?

Not just the people I date, but friends in general all hate the fact that I don't like making decisions. it doesn't mean I can't...I’m a lot more easy going than other people, so I just like them to make the decisions so that I don't get blamed for making the wrong one.
8. What’s the first thing you notice in a man/woman?

Friendly eyes, a genuine smile, height, overall attractiveness.

9. How often do you believe it is normal to want sex?

I think it's normal to want it all the time. To me, it's strange not to want it.

10. Do you know what a dirty sanchez is?

Yes...and ew.

What say you about the questions and answers? Weigh in, discuss, heckle, what have you in the comments. And if you're interested, you can see the questions she didn't answer here.

Signs You Might Be An Asshole

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One of my favorite expressions in life is "knowledge is power". It explains my fascination with wikipedia and provides the perfect justification for a penchant for gossip. And if knowledge in general is power then it stands to reason that self-knowledge is the most powerful weapon in our war on life.

Unfortunately, most people really have no idea what they're really like. And this is never more true than in the case of assholes; who always seem to have some bullshit reason for their assholey behaviour other than the fact that they're assholes. So for you my dear readers I'm giving you a gift: signs you might be an asshole.


1. You are persistently and repetitively inappropriate - even after being asked to stop.

If you're a guy or gal who makes sexual innuendos to the wrong person - your friend's ex, your ex's friend, your boy's little sister, your mother's husband - you're probably an asshole. If you continue to do it even after the person has asked you repeatedly to stop you're definitely an asshole.

3. You're sometime-ish.

If you're the kind of person who only greets people every third time you run into them - staring through them as if they're invisible all the other times - you're a rude asshole. If you only speak to people when you see them with someone you've deemed cool enough to warrant your attention you're a pretentious asshole. If you live in Toronto you probably pull this on 50% of the people you know about 50% of the times you go out - which is why this is the asshole capital of the world.

2. You lie about dumb shit.

Now you guys know I am not an advocate for complete honesty - a white lie or a faked orgasm can go a long way in a relationship - but dumb, obvious lies told for no good reason is stupid and unnecessary. Grow some stones, tell the truth, and stop being an asshole.

4. You wake people up ungracefully.

There is no greater barometer for the quality of someone's character than the method they use to wake someone. If you are a decent person, you will do it gently and gradually; allowing the person to ease their way into wakefulness. If you're my mother (a lovely human being with some assholey tendencies) you'll vacuum right outside the bedroom. If you're a certain ex of mine (a certified Grade-A asshole) you'll bang open the bedroom door and start talking loudly on the phone while watching videos on YouTube at top volume.

5. You hate The Foreign Exchange.

I'm not saying you have to love them. Maybe they just don't do it for you I'll even give you a pass if you've never heard of them. But if you listen to the album Leave It All Behind in its entirety and say you hate it, there's something wrong with your soul.

So what do you guys think? Is this asshole behaviour or just stuff max doesn't like? What are your asshole- warning signs? Speak on it in the comments.

Mind Sex - A Nasty Friday Guest Post

Even a perv like myself runs out of dirty things to talk about from time to time so we have a guest appearance from Lincoln Anthony Blades today.  If you've never visited his site, make sure to check it out. He goes even harder than I do. Pause. Anyway. Read, enjoy, comment, and don't forget to vote for me.

Romance is not an act, it’s an art and making love isn’t something you have it’s something you create. When both work together flawlessly, it can take even the most reserved of women from a cold, standoffish, asexual being to a sensuous freak craving your very touch – and it doesn’t take much.

Please don’t confuse my interpretation of Mind Sex with the lame Dead Prez song with negroes talking about "playing chinese checkers on futons and eating garden salads and wearing kufi’s". For me Mind Sex is all about "Penetration-Preparation" or basically everything you do before you put it in. I’ve always been a firm believer that if she is not dripping all over the place just before the sex, then you have not properly "pre-heated" the oven and the turkey ain’t ready to be put in yet.

Most people think of foreplay as an arduous and lengthy act, but it does not have to be either of those. And here’s how..

[I thought music would help set the mood for the pace, so click 'PLAY'..]


1) Greet Her PROPERLY

The first thing you need to do as a man is drop the selfishness and silly past fights and just get yourself in the mindset that you don’t matter. Not tonight. Tonight it’s all about HER. You can’t just TRY to do this, you need to FULLY commit to this way of thinking because the most important part of Mind Sex is the initial greeting – whatever way you typically greet her is NOT good enough. No “Hey”, “What’s Good?”, or “What the hell took you so long?”.

2) Be Attentive To The SMALL Things

Women are extremely attentive so they notice the smallest things when it comes to interacting with a man. And it’s not even small, OBVIOUS things like did you open the door for her or did you pull her chair out. It’s more innocuous than that. Though it’s different for every woman, it’s things like:how you introduce her to your boy that you saw at dinner (you introduced her as “My woman” and not “My friend” or just her name) or things like a non-obvious compliment or a brief  sensual touch on the arm.

3) Eye Contact Is Crucial

The eyes are definitely the window to the soul and the intensity of a lustful look is what women are into. It might sound weird to us men, but it actually makes a lot of sense. Women see lack of eye contact as a lack of confidence and if you can’t stare deep into her eyes it’s either because you’re too scared, too shy or too dishonest, but whatever it is, he’s NOT someone she wants to take home and find out IF he can please her. If she playfully asks "Why are you looking at me like that?" then you have her right where you want her.

4) Every Touch is Calculated and Delivered With Force

Most men don’t know how to deliver the casual panty-moistener hug, but the ones that do know EXACTLY how something as small as a hug can go a long way in creating sexual anticipation. A woman’s body is not meant to be grabbed or groped UNTIL it’s get-it-in time; her body is meant to be EXPLORED. Unlike men, women have many erogenous zones all over their body and it’s all about caressing those parts subtly enough that you don’t look like you are just being an inexperienced, overzealous horny bastard like one of those kids from American Pie or Superbad, but without enough force that she knows YOU cherish every inch of her body even when it’s fully clothed.

5) Find The Right Pace

This is crucial. Remember that YOU don’t control the pace, and neither does she. Her body controls the pace and if you can’t read it, then you will NEVER know when she’s ready. A woman’s body cannot hide its reaction to pleasure; though she can keep a straight face or keep quiet her body will always give away how turned on she is.

The final stage of Mind Sex may be considered teasing, but I just call it "previewing.” You don’t ravish her neck and collar bone with your tongue, but you give her a strong massage and every now and then just pass your [non-chapped] lips over the back of her neck for a brief moment and feel her tense up waiting for to kiss and neck her, but don’t – just pull away slowly and let her mind imagine how good it will feel when you actually do it.

This isn’t meant to be a how to please your woman manual, just some friendly reminders that bringing out the freak in your girl doesn’t take a stripper pole or Booty Call 56 DVD’s, just some time, attention to detail and willingness to please.

What do you guys think of LAB's take on mind sex. I know this stuff would definitely work on me, but what say you ladies? Men - what's your strategy for penetration-preparation?

Bad Home Habits - Max in Real Life

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.
 
I live alone. The greatest sentence in the history of adulthood. There is no greater bliss than having a domain of which you are the sole master; where anything goes and no one can tell you what to do.

At some point of every day I will say a thank you to the gods of habitation for blessing me with my own space. But I am never more grateful for my solitude than when I'm engaging in some sloth.

See I'm not a dirty or particularly messy girl, but I definitely have some bad habits around the house. These are things that make perfect sense to me but annoy the shit out of anyone who has to live with me...and I can't even blame them.

And so - since we keep it real on Thursdays - allow me to share with you my Top 10 Bad Home Habits:

1. Wasting paper towels.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I'm more than a bit squeamish. Therefore anything that is touching anything that's going in my mouth - dishes, cutlery, penises, countertops - must be vigourously washed and sprayed with vinegar before it touches me. I also have to fanatically wash my hands before I even think about touching food. This means I use a whole lot of paper towels; because using a fresh dish towel every time I need to dry something means too much laundry. On average I use no less than three paper towels to dry my hands. Multiply that by the fact that I wash my hands no fewer than 10 times a day and you see the problem don't you?

2. I keep empty water bottles in the fridge.

I basically only drink bottled water and every time I finish a bottle I throw it back in the fridge. I don't know why I do this.

3. I don't replace the toilet paper roll.

Yes I am that person who takes the fresh roll and places it on top of the empty one. Life is short and I don't have the kind of time that switching it would require.

4. I never turn off/unplug anything.

Blame my parents for this. They basically used to follow us around switching appliances off if we took our eyes off them for one second. In my house, the flat iron and heating pad are always plugged in, the laptop and lights are always turned on. Thank God for the phrase "hydro included".

5. I hate air conditioning and fans.

If you come to my house on a hot day you have three choices to relieve yourself: go on the balcony, remove your clothes, or take the fan into another room. I hate the feeling of cold air hitting me so I've made sure that's not possible at casa maxfab.

4. Taking out the garbage is a man's job.

And I am not a man. Therefore it rarely gets done here. You don't want to know what kinds of measures I take to endure my house doesn't stink of old food.

6. I keep the salt in the living room.

That's where I eat and therefore where I use the salt - where else would I keep it?

7. Ironing is an exercise in futility.

Ironing is the one domestic art that I despise and have no desire to master. It's the dumbest thing ever! You spend all this time pressing wrinkles out of your clothes and then the minute you step out your house it's wrinkled again. Nope.


8. There is no making of the bed.

I'm getting back in there as soon as possible. If it's made it will only slow me down.

9. The tv volume never goes above 3.

The rule in my house is this: if you don't have to concentrate really hard to hear the television, it's too effing loud. In my house not having supersonic hearing means you'll need to press your ears up against the speaker because I get stabby when the tv is too loud.


10. The dishes dry themselves.

Washing and drying a knife right before I go in on a bagel is one thing. Washing a full sink of dishes I'd quite another. In my house clean dishes go straight from the sink to the cupboard with not even the most cursory rub with a paper towel. Why is this? Because dishes dry themselves!

But what do you all think? Men do my bad home habits make you not want to live with me? Ladies don you have any wutless ways you'd like to share? Speak in it in the comments.

I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

The other day while pretending to work toiling away at my incredibly demanding job my ipod delivered a one-two punch of songs that sent my little brain spinning - Your Girl by Mariah Carey and Tell Me You Love Me by Amerie. The basic premise of both songs is this: you don't know it but I’m the girl for you and I’m going to make you fall in love with me and do my bidding.

It's not a particularly new concept, but it got me thinking - is it possible to lead a man from zero (complete disinterest) to 10 (completely besotted) just because you want to?  It reminded me of two girls I knew back when I first moved to Toronto; each of whom set their sights on a man and basically went after him with such force that he was powerless to resist her. One married her target and 10 years later they’re blissfully happy. The other – after stealing him from his current fiancé – cannot stand the dude.

The only time I’ve ever put in real work to make a man love me was with Snickers, and that was really less about getting him to love me and more about getting him to admit that he loved me. Since then I really cannot be bothered to put in much work. Once I’m in a relationship I’ll work hard to keep my dude happy but my strategy for getting a man to like me basically boils down to 1. Dazzle him 2. Confuse the shit out of him. When If that doesn’t work it’s on to the next.

Given that I’m single, I’m thinking my strategy might not be as comprehensive as it could be. So I took to the internets to see what other #swindles tactics the ladies are using to attract a man. So without further ado I give you Top 10 Ways to Make a Man Love You:


1. Look good

I shouldn't even have to tell you this. If you don't know by now that men are visual creatures then you're probably not even old enough to be on this blog. But I'm going to remind you one more time that if you're trying to capture a man's interest you're gonna need to look good. What that means depends on who you are and the circumstances and I'm trusting that you have enough judgement to make the right choice. Just look good and sexy in a non-trashy, non I will let your boys run a triz on me kinda way.


2. Get in the path of destruction

The lovely and talented Dr. Jay already schooled us on this. If you want a man to notice you you have to be in his line of sight. I know The Rules and all those books tell us that he has to chase after us, but it's a little difficult to get him to do that if he doesn't know or care that you exist. So as @emti would say - you gotta chase him until he chases you.

3. Be a social butterfly

People are lemmings and they always want what everyone else wants. So if he sees that other people want to be around you and hang out with you it will likely pique his interest.  However this can backfire if you're seen with too many dudes as being "too social"...some dudes don't like that.

4. Be cool

Drama is never a good thing but it's never worse than when a man is first starting to notice you. We all know how lasting first impressions are right? You don't want him to think of you and immediately recall the fracas you got into with your ex's next at the club the other day. So avoid drama at all costs at least while he's present.

5. Be yourself...kinda

For the record I am not advocating being fake or engaging in any trickery to capture your target, but I cannot unequivocally advise you to just be yourself as so many other people do. Be yourself, but be the most interesting you or the most charming you or the most flirtatious you. But don't be the you who is complaining loudly about your menstrual cramps or bad-mouthing your no-good ex. Don't be yourself like that. Please.

6. Gas up his head

For many men, what attracts him to a woman is less about the woman herself and more about the way she makes him feel about himself. Honest, sincere compliments give men a nice little boost. This is a good thing. It's a great thing if you pay him a compliment he's never heard before or doesn't hear often. If he feels good around you he'll want to be around you.

7. Feign Show interest in what he’s interested in

The idea that we are drawn to people who share our interests is pretty straightforward; I don't think I need to elaborate on that. So yes if you share an appreciation for vintage OutKast with the dude, letting him know that is a good move. But even if you're not into what he's into, displaying a genuine interest in it will serve you well.

8. Go for the nose

This is what you do: when you know you're gonna see the dude, "paint your nails" right before you leave the house. The dab a little bit of your "love" the same places you'd apply fragrance. For one thing, you'll have a great post-orgasmic glow and for another you'll be giving off all kinds of pheromones and pussy-fragrance. What man can resist that?

Too much? Okay well try this instead: Wear the same scent every time you see him. Make sure he gets close enough to smell it on you. Sooner or later he'll come to associate that fragrance with you and wherever he smells it - even if it's between the thighs of some other chick - he'll think of you.

10. Gently confuse him

Once you've put all this work into getting this dude to lust after you, you don't want to mess it up by being too available. Men are hunters and they get off on challenges so make it a little difficult for him or he'll consider you conquered and move on to the next one. And don't let anyone tell you different.

What say you guys? You've been awfully quiet lately and you know I lose my blogging mojo when you guys don't interact with me. So I want to hear from you. Ladies - what tips or tricks do you have to get a man interested? Men - do you think these tactics would work on you? Speak your piece in the comments.

Oh and before I forget - vote for me!

Any 10 on Tuesday with Dr. Jay

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.

It's Tuesday and that means it's time for “Any 10 on Tuesdays” where each week I ask some poor sucker an interesting person a bunch of questions. And of course I couldn't have a series where other people drop their knowledge without including the most knowledgable man in the world, the indomitable Dr. Jay. He even answered all 30 questions instead of choosing just 10, because he's that kind of dude.

Ready? Let's begin.

Describe yourself in three sentences or less.

If someone asked you who I was, here's how I would like you to reply, "he's entertaining and provocative."  It's hard to tell when he's being serious, or just joking, but he's always thought-provoking.  Plus, the brother is fine.

1. Is there something about your life or lifestyle that makes your perspective on dating/relationships unique?

I believe in continuous improvement.  I never stop trying to improve my relationship from the minute i'm in it.  I work at it daily, even when there are no problems or issues on the horizon.

2. To what extent are you willing to adapt this lifestyle to that of your partner?

Naturally the partnership of two people is going to cause for some adaptation on the part of both of us.  I'm not willing to change the very essence of myself.

3. Thong or boyshorts?

I thought about this the other day because i'm a fan of boy shorts, but I really love thongs.  I will just be straight up.

4. Could you be in a relationship that is not monogamous? Why or why not?

Yes, but I wouldn't call that girl my girlfriend.  She'd just be referred to my #1.

5. True or false: it is rude for a man not to call the woman the day after he slams for the first time.

True, that's just rude.  One caveat, a text message is cool.

6. If you were alone in your boy/girlfriend’s house, would you snoop?

Nope, that's just not my style.

7. What is your favorite sexual position?

Reverse cow-girl.

8. Name the most interesting place you have had sex.

In a park during the middle of the day.

9. Picture your most memorable partner in your mind and share what made that person so memorable.

She liked the Lakers.

10. Blow job or hand job?

If you're not using your hands when giving a blow job then you don't know what you're doing.

11. What is something you have always wanted to try, but haven’t yet?

Drawing a blank.

12. Best piece of relationship advice you’ve ever been given?

B*tches cheat, get over it.

13. What is your favorite thing to do to your partner? What is your favorite thing to have done to you?

I like to feed my partner. I like to get head.  (Not that those are independent or unrelated. LOL.)

14. What is the most sensitive spot on your body?

Pelvic area.

16. What is your most embarrassing sexual experience?

An unexpected squirter.

17. What’s your fatal flaw in relationships?

I'm a conservative socialist, lol.  I like my relationships to be a certain way, but at times, I think I need a change with the times.

18. If you had a super power what would it be? Why?

Ability to read minds.

19. What turns you on?

Thongs!

20. Which habit of your most annoys the people you date?

Being smarter than the average bear.

21. What would the title of your autobiography be?

If you let me, you won't regret me.

22. What’s the first thing you notice in a man/woman?

Her shoes.

23. How often do you believe it is normal to want sex?

Hourly. (Is this my kind of dude or what?)

24. If your friend was cheating, would you tell their partner?

Hell no, respect the G code.

25. Name three famous wo/men you'd put a hurting on if you had the chance.

Eva Mendes, Michelle Rodriguez, Persia White

26. What qualities do the people you date tend to have in common?

They are unique.

27. Do you know what a dirty sanchez is?

Yes, and I will not do it to you, or have you do it to me.

28. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Nope.

29. What are your must-have qualities in a partner?

If I said ambition would that be too cliche.  No, I would say vision.  The ability to see a goal worth having and achieve it.

30. What are your dealbreakers?

Stubborness and people who just are generally negative in life.

What say you about the questions and answers? Weigh in, discuss, heckle, what have you in the comments.

I'm Gonna Get You Sucka

If there is one universal truth about being single, it's that sooner or later someone is gonna do something shitty to you. Just as they say you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, most singletons have to endure some punk offs before they find what they're looking for.

So as we're living our single lives and enduring random egregious acts, we have a choice: are we going to endure this ass-raping with class and dignity? Or are we going to get even?

Personally, I try to be more of a take the high road kind of gal, but that's really more because I fear creating bad karma for myself than out of classiness or my forgiving nature. Believe you me, I have the inclination to exact revenge on those who did me wrong...I just lack the stones to actually act on it.

Not everyone is as afraid of divine retribution as I am though. Some women - many women - will go to any lengths to get the sucka who did them wrong. Up until a few weeks ago the funniest dating revenge story I'd heard was the woman who bought a billboard to decry the married man who screwed her over, but then one of my friends told me a crazy story.

My girl - let's call her Betty - dated a dude briefly until he abruptly stopped calling her. She never knew why. About a year went by and she bumped into him unexpectedly; at which point he informed her that he was getting married and invited her to the wedding.

Betty went back and forth about whether she should attend this wedding before ultimately deciding that an appearance at the blessed event was a must. Fired up with the indignation of a woman scorned, Betty put on her freakiest freakum dress, some vampy red lipstick and some fuck me pumps and headed to the reception. She arrived just as the happy couple were having their first dance as man and wife. Having gone there with the express purpose of getting revenge, Betty recognized this as a prime opportunity. So she sashayed onto the dance floor, tapped old dude on the shoulder, and murmured "Mind if I cut in?". As both bride and groom looked at her stunned she leaned forward, put her arms around the groom's neck, and kissed him on the lips. And with a dramatic turn and a "congratulations" tossed over her shoulder, she sashayed out that bitch.

Can you imagine?

I could never do such a thing and even if I did I would be so distraught and grief-stricken that I would never get over it. But Betty said she felt effing great afterward and she has no regrets. Which made me wonder if I would feel better about the ish I've been through if I did some dirt to the dude.


What do you guys think? Have any of you ever taken revenge on someone who did you wrong? Ever been forced to pay the price for some dirt you did? Share your stories in the comments.

Hot Talks

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.

Those of you who have been paying attention around here should realize three things about me:

1. I like sex
2. I like talking about sex
3. I like to use the dirty words

It should come as no surprise to you then that I really like dirty talk. So much so that I - a woman who refuses to instruct a man on how to give me what I want in the bedroom -  command every man who isn't offering up the smut to give me some hot talks.

In the immortal words the great Luvvie "hot talks give me life!"

I get a fair amount of emails and dm's from female readers asking me for advice about talking dirty to their men; particularly when it comes to dirty texting or dirty gchatting. It seems a lot of ladies out there are shy about it. The short version of my advice to them is basically this: get over yourself. You might feel silly texting your man saying "I want your c*** in my p***" but please believe he does not feel silly reading it unless he's a panty meat. In my opinion all you have to do to succeed at hot talks is to let your dirty mind drift and take homeboy along for the ride.

But for those of you who are still a little nervous about it, here are some tips to release your inner hot talks:

1. Ask Questions

In or out of the bedroom, questions are a win for novice dirty talkers. It is also the #swindle a man will use to lead you into a hot talk without your knowledge but that's another post for another day. If you want to break out the dirty talks while you're getting your thronx on, try questions like this:

Beginner: Do you like the way it feels when I ___ your ____?
Advanced: Whose d*** is this?!?

2. Flattery will get you everywhere

One of the greatest things about men is how much they are driven by their egos. Therfore, playing to their conceit will almost always work. Any woman's magazine worth the paper its printed on will tell you that compliments always win with a man and hot talk time is no exception. Try one of these on for size:

Beginner: You're so sexy
Intermediate: I love it when you ____ my ____
Advanced: I f****** love your huge d***

3. Give Orders

Now ladies, never before and never again will you see me sanctioning you ordering your man around so please take note of this. Said to the right dude in the right tone, a command is a win. When you start bossing your man around the bedroom he'll either be so turned on that his normally meek woman has gone all dominatrix on him that he'll be like a greedy kid in a candy store, or he'll be so appalled that you dared give him orders that he'll work overtime to remind you that he's running the show.

These are both really, really good things.

Try these on for size:

Beginner: Come over
Intermediate: Come over here and ride me hard

Advanced: F*** me

5. When it doubt, just curse

If you're really at a loss for words, just throw out an ecstatic "Oh fuck", "oh shit", or "oh God". This will tide you over until you come up with something truly raunchy to hurry him along so you can get to sleep knock his socks off.

6. Bold Declarations

Similar to giving orders, making bold statements can get you and your man revved up nicely and with a quickness. The thing is though - you have to be able to back it up. You can't be texting your man talking about I'll do things to you Vanessa Del Rio would be shamed to do and then once you get to his place you're complaining about your jaw hurts. That's a fail and you deserve a lifetime of celibacy as punishment. But if you're sure you got the goods to back it up, try writing a cheque that your man is gonna do his damndest to cash.

My beginner and intermediate ladies might want to skip this one. For my advanced ladies, I've had a lot of success with saying try something like "If I put my mouth on your c*** you will fall in love with me".

That usually sparks their interest.

How do you guys feel about hot talks? Ladies are you shy? Men - any of you choose not to participate? And since Fridays are for over-sharing, tell me what the hottest thing anyone ever said to you was....

5 Things I'm Not Doing if I'm Not Wifey

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So yesterday I was over on Until I Get Married reading Five Things We’re Not Doing Since We’re Not Having Sex. His list was pretty interesting (he's not kissing if you're not giving up the nani, can you imagine?) and it got me thinking about withholding in relationships.

Like just about every woman in the world, I have had the misfortune to be involved with a man who didn't want a relationship but had no problem participating in relationship-y behaviour, especially if it benefited him. Ladies in this situation will more often than not shower their un-boyfriend with love, affection, pussy, accommodation, and whatever else she feels like in the futile hope that when he decides he wants to be in a relationship, she will be the chosen one. This is a bad bad bad idea but that's another post for another day.

If you find yourself in a situation where you want to be wifey but you're not there yet for whatever reason, the smart thing to do is to remove yourself. However, if you choose to stay, please believe you should not be giving up all your worldly goods to that dude. Now you guys should know me well enough to know that I would never advise you to withhold sex (why deprive anyone the singular joy of carnal relations), but if wifey status is what you're aiming for and you're not there yet, these are the moves you should not be making:

1. No Gifts

You can buy me gifts if you want, but I will not be returning the favour. Call me a throwback, but there's a limit to how much money I'm willing to spend on a man who I cannot call my own...going dutch on dinner at Swiss Chalet is about it.

2. No sleepovers

You guys know how I feel about sleepovers. I hate them. I'm not subjecting my hair to the evil that is a cotton pillowcase for a dude who doesn't want to claim me.

3. No merging of the circles

If I'm not wifey, I do not need to meet your friends or your family. Nor do you need to meet mine. It's this kind of blurring of the lines that makes women go crazy confuses things. When we make things official we can merge circles but in the meantime let's retreat to neutral corners, shall we?

4. No cooking, cleaning, or laundry

There are only two reasons a woman should be cooking or doing housework for a man: she's wifey or she's an employee. So unless you want to put me on your payroll, you can fix your own sandwich.

5. No anal, no tossed salad...and no coochie shots

Unless these acts are part of your normal, everyday, even casual hookups can get it sexual behaviour, you should not be giving up these goods. Ultra VIP acts are for ultra VIP status and if you're not wifey, he's not VIP.

6. No condom purchases

I'm sure this one only makes sense to me, but I refuse to buy condoms if I'm not on wifey status. It's strictly bring your own prophylactics at casa maxfab and if you don't you're outta luck.

That's my list anyway, but what say you? Are there any acts that you withhold while you're waiting to achieve wifey status? Or do you believe that giving him all the goods will put you on the accelerated path? Is their a comparable list for men looking to wife a woman? Speak on it in the comments.

Any 10 on Tuesday with HLBB

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.

It's Tuesday and that means it's time for “Any 10 on Tuesdays” where each week I ask some poor sucker an interesting person a bunch of questions, they answer any ten of them and you guys get to experience someone else's point of view for a change. This week we have one of my favourite people because she's just like me Ms. HLBB of Her Lil Black Book.

Ready? Let's begin.

Describe yourself in three sentences or less:

The undomestic diva. All around Jeopardy-like geek. A cynical romantic.

1. Is there something about your life or lifestyle that makes your perspective on dating/relationships unique?

I'm usually the confidant for people (I don't put their stories out there unless they ask me to though), so I hear both sides of the story quite often. 

2. To what extent are you willing to adapt this lifestyle to that of your partner?

If you're currently involved with me, you will not appear on the blog.

3. What is your current relationship status? Are you happy with it?

Single and enjoying it. I wouldn't shy away from a relationship, but I'm not really being proactive about it.

4. What are your must-have qualities in a partner?

Make me laugh. Make me think. Get me to try things I wouldn't normally (and that won't kill me)...you must be what I call a "lovable asshole" and not be intimidated by me. This one is a bit shallow, but I refuse to be with another man who can't dance.

5. What’s the stupidest thing you see women do in their relationships? The biggest mistake you see men making?

For both genders it's thinking that "all (insert gender here) all the same", by using that logic, you then are no different from anyone else are you? 

6. What is your fundamental relationship truth?

Trust me as you would your best friend, but do not make me your best friend.

7. What’s the #1 thing men/women don’t realize about themselves?

Women: there's a difference between truth and honesty.
Men: it's not about you. Really.

8. What’s your fatal flaw in relationships?

That I'm very much a hard-ass...I'm too honest.

9. What turns you on?

Intelligence. Wit. Humour. Badass-ness. Swagger. Dimples. A man that has rhythm.

10. Which habit of yours most annoys the people you date?

I'm not affectionate. 

11.What’s the first thing you notice in a man/woman?

Hands. What you're doing with them, grooming. But oddly enough, I don't look for the ring. The ring doesn't tell me you're committed, your actions do...

23. How often do you believe it is normal to want sex?

Daily. Doesn't mean you're having it...but it means you want it.

What say you about the questions and answers? Weigh in, discuss, heckle, what have you in the comments. And if you're interested, you can see the questions she didn't answer here.

Very Bad Things

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Those of you who follow me on twitter should be well aware by now of my fixation with the Fed Ex man who delivers to my office. Any day that my stalking efforts pay off and I have the good fortune to run into him is a beautiful day and it’s not uncommon to see me tweet something along the lines of “I want the Fed Ex guy to do very bad things to me”.

For some reason, I can’t just appreciate his beauty or enjoy the witty banter we exchange in the elevator. It’s not even enough for me to say I have to have him. He’s in a whole other category of attractiveness that is almost dangerous.

My fixation on Mr. Fed Ex during my daily nail-painting sessions has led me to the realization that the men who light a fire in my groin catch my eye tend to fall into different categories. Generally speaking if I'm lusting after someone he is inspiring one of the following thoughts:

1. I want to get naked with him

At some point in life I think I wrote about the fact that if I’m interested in a man I picture him naked. This is the category he will graduate to if I like what I see in the mental picture. I’m attracted, I want to show him my lady parts, but I’m not losing too much sleep over it. These are the if it happens it happens kind of guys.

2. I want to hear him snore

If I catch myself wondering what a guy’s feet look like (rather than other much more important body parts I could be picturing), what he likes to eat for breakfast, or whether he snores it’s like a big DANGER! sign flashing in my brain. These are the men that I both lust after and genuinely like, and they must be snuffed off the face of the earth immediately before I catch feelings and have to turn in my player’s card.

3. I want him to make me question my morals

This is the holy grail of attractiveness and a man usually reaches this status by being really sexy, really smart, or really dirty. They don’t come around very often, but when they do, these men cloud my judgment in dangerous ways. A man in this category could get a coochie shot even though I am against them and he might even rate a sleepover, if for no other reason than he’s had his way with me and left my clothes in shreds.

Is it just me, or is this attractiveness-classification that my ladyflower brain automatically conducts a little odd? Am I the only one who does this? What categories do you put the objects of your lust in? Speak on it in the comments.

Cunnilingus 101

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In the weeks since I wrote my post on not wanting a man to um, eat at my table, I’ve had a lot of men eat my pussy extoll the virtues of their muff-diving techniques. This has led to me to two important conclusions; there are a lot of men out there whose head skills are lacking, and the reason I'm not that into it is that I haven't had enough good top.

And because the purpose of this blog is to instigate educate as much as it is to entertain, today I'm schooling my dudes on the proper way to nyam.

Now before you decide to forge a union between your mouth and her honey pot, please commit the following guidelines to memory:

1. Don't bite, don't blow into her, and for the love of Nasty Fridays please do not spit into her. I mean seriously - who does that?

2. The scratch & sniff is imperative. Once you're down there you are not allowed to complain about smell, taste, or excessive wetness. So please make sure you vetted the fruit before you declared it edible. If you failed to do your due diligence beforehand, you’re shit out of luck.

Oh and by the way – you are also not allowed to take breaks to brush your teeth or gargle with Listerine because you “need to get that taste out of your mouth”. That’s effing rank.

3. Be into it. A lot of girls are self-conscious about their ladyparts and will get tense when you go in for your close-up. If you make her feel like her flower is the best thing you’ve seen, smelled, or tasted, everyone’s gonna have a good time.

Alright. Let’s get into the nitty gritty of eating the clitty.

1. A good lead up is great

This applies to everyone, but it’s especially helpful for my friends who are not 100% confident in their skills. The best thing you can do for yourself is to whip your girl into a frenzy of anticipation. That way, by the time you make the first stroke of the tongue she’ll be so relieved it will take her a good 5-10 minutes before she realizes your head game is weak. So before you go for the gold, start by breathing gently over the puss. Kiss her thighs. Run your tongue along them near the sweetspot without actually touching it. You get the idea right? It’s the everything but approach. If you do this properly she will be thrusting the ladyflower at your face begging you to sniff it. And that’s always a good thing.

One caveat here though – don’t drag this on too long or you’ll anger her. As a wise man once told me “you got to tease but don’t play”.

2. Go easy on the clit

Gentlemen, lean in and read this closely: the clitty is a sensitive thing. There’s like 9,999,999,999 nerve endings in that bitch alright? Tread lightly because too much pressure, suction, or friction will turn the lake into a desert if you know what I mean. Handle it with care.

3. Pay attention to your surroundings

If you want the title of master of cunnilingus, you’ve got to get at the surrounding area. Start from the clit and work it all the way back to her ass (And get in there if you’re bad – I already schooled you on the beauty of the tossed salad). Make sure you’re not putting all your attention on the clit, the lips and the hole need love too.

4. Get it in

Speaking of the hole, did you know that the majority of the vagina’s nerve endings are around or just inside the opening? I know my small-penis dudes know this This means they should be just in reach of your tongue. And trust me, a tongue in the hole is a good look. A great look if you ever plan to go down on me.

3. Learn the art of communication

Like my homeboy @Nickel_Slikk said, the number one key to succeeding at top is to pay attention to verbal instructions and non-verbal signs. Some women are going to tell you in explicit detail what to put where, when, and for how long. Please listen to her if you want her to have a good time. But with other women, your only way to know you’re winning or losing is by listening to her breathing, the noises she’s making, and her overall body language. So please take a moment to “survey the scene and see what’s good” (copyright @DrJayJack) if you want to show her a good time.

5. A little suck does a lotta good

Now I know I told you to tread lightly with the clitoris and that’s true. But I don’t want you to fear it. When handled with care, the sensitivity of the little clitty can be your greatest ally. A well-timed and delicately-administered clit suck can elevate you to God of Pussy Eating status…and what man doesn’t want that?

Okay those are the basic tips. But I do have some advanced techniques for those of you who are looking to have her strung out on your ish:

1. Try a new position

No woman is going to throw you out of bed for using the classic she lies down, you get between her legs position but try this on for size:

Hold her upside down in front of you. Keep her head and shoulders resting on the bed with her back resting against your stomach and chest. Because you’re holding her, she won’t be bearing all the pressure on the back of her neck. Have her wrap her legs around your head and lock her feet behind your neck. Wrap your arms around her stomach and then simply lower your face to the puss. This is beautiful because she gets the pleasure of oral plus the head rush of being upside down.

FYI you need to be in shape to pull this off so it’s strictly for live men. For my freshmen who are looking to switch it up, just have her sit on your face.

2. Go for the G

While you’ve got your mouth down there, use your fingers or a toy to get at her G spot. She might squirt in your mouth, but she’ll love you for life.

3. Heat it up…or cool it down

Warming or cooling elements in your mouth while you’re down there can add a little extra thrill to the experience and dilute the taste of pussyjuice for the squeamish. Pop an Altoid, get you some Dentyne Fire, or go for a stimulating lube that adds a little zip but won't poison you.

4. Try this trick – the tongue tube

If you were genetically blessed with the ability to roll your tongue into a tube, why not make a clit sandwich? Roll your tongue around her little bud and then slide it up and down until she explodes. Thank me later.

And this concludes Cunnilingus 101 with Professor Max. I hope you’re all ready for the exam. It’s oral of course. Hahaha.

What are your top tips for good carpet munching? Ladies did I leave anything out? And men – I’m looking for someone who has successfully pulled off the upside-down head position…if you’ve done this, get at me because I have a birthday coming and that would make a great gift. It’s Friday – over-share in the comments.

Ten Songs I Hate and You Love

First things first: have you voted for me and my buddies yet??

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I am a contrary person. I don’t like to like the things that everyone likes. It’s a point of pride to me that I’ve never seen Friday, I refuse to watch Glee and True Blood because everyone loves them, and after all the talk about it, I will never watch the video for Best I Ever Had. In fact I’m so contrary that I’m considering giving up my shoe whore status for no better reason than the fact that every chick on the block loves shoes these days.

But in no area of my life am I more contrary than my taste in music. The bigger something gets, the more I run from it. I grudgingly broke down and listened to my first Lil Wayne song last summer and I have no intention of knowing what a Wacka Flocka, Plies, or P.Reign is.  Granted, I pretty much live in a bubble as far as my taste in music is concerned, but there’s nothing that will make me run from a song more than the fact that everyone loves it.

So without further ado, I give you 10 songs I effing hate that you (probably) love.

1. Real Love – Mary J. Blige

This song is soooo played out I literally cannot stand hearing it anymore. There is no less imaginative a song for a DJ to drop in the party than this. Any time I’m out and I hear it I have to throw two middle fingers at the DJ. It was dope at the time but there are a lot of dope Mary tracks…please pick something else. And yes, my ire extends to the remix.

2. Juicy – Notorious B.I.G.

Like everyone else I loved this song when it first came out but now I cannot believe people have the nerve to get themselves all amplified when they hear this in a party. Like – for real? You’re not over it? You haven’t spent enough of your life bawling out “Birthdays were the worst days/Now we sip champagne when we thirst-tay”? This is still exciting for you?

3. Hey Ya – OutKast

Unlike the previous two, I hated this song from the moment I first heard it.  And this is partly because I love old OutKast so much that it hurts my feelings that the people who made Spottieottiedopalicious also made this crap. Honestly this song makes me stabby. Like I really, really want to hurt someone when I hear it.

4. Step in the Name of Love – R. Kelly

I hate this song for itself but I hate it even more because someone always wants to grab my hand and start stepping with me when they hear it. Negro this is not Love Jones and you are not Darius. Let go of my hand and leave me be. I also hate the other one that always comes after it.

5. Just One of Those Days – Monica

Any day that I have to hear this song is “just one of those days “ for me. Haaaate it.

5. Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough – Michael Jackson

I know I’ll get some kind of pass revoked for stating publicly that I hate a Michael Jackson song, but so be it.  I do not like this song. Never have. And I’m about sick of Michael Jackson in general so there are many more that could be added to this list.

6. In Da Club – 50 Cent

This song is so horrible I couldn’t even come up with a blurb to write about it. I had to get my sister on the case. She says “this is one of those songs you should be ashamed to admit you ever liked”. I really couldn’t say it any better than that.

7. Love Like This – Faith

This song is like an assault to my ear drums. I dislike it so much it gives me panic attacks. I cannot stand it.

Sidebar: I also hate that horrible party mix that people always play that has this in it. You know the one? After the Love Like This part it goes “You got a hundred dollar bill put your hands up/You got a fifty dollar bill make noise!” When that comes on I start looking for a sharp object; not to stab myself but to cut the DJ for failing at life.

10. Move B*tch – Ludacris

Hate this song. Hate the obnoxious effect it has on men in the party who think it’s okay to shove people out of the way just because this dumb-ass song is making them hyper.

11. Get Low – Lil Jon & Eastside Boyz

Ugh. Just – ugh. I’m mad I’ve ever even heard this song.

Bonus: Gangster’s Paradise – Coolio

Technically this song shouldn’t even be on this list because I don’t think anyone likes it and if you do get off my blog and never come back, but I hate it so much I felt I had to mention it. I hate it so much I refused to watch the movie that shares its title just out of spite.

Anyone out there hate these songs as much as I do? Do you love them? What’s on your list of most hated by you/loved by everyone songs?

Reckless Talk

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In this day and age of casual sex, unrelationships, and random hook-ups, the need to keep our business quiet is greater than ever. Twitter, Facebook, and the always-watching streets can blow up your spot in an instant if you’re not careful. And while it’s one thing for us to do dirt, it’s quite another thing to have the whole world know about it.

The obvious solution of course is to hold down the information that you don’t want spread; whether it’s your own dirt or someone else’s. So if your bestie confided in you that she swallowed the seeds of her ex’s ace-boon-coon, you just put that info in the same vault that houses that time you got a little tipsy and went muff-diving with your college roommate. You just lock those little secrets up and throw away the key and your secrets are safe forever, right? Wrong.

Keeping secrets is all well and good, but it is possible to blow up a spot without spilling a secret, and that is by talking reckless.  Reckless talk is basically the “everything but” of secret-keeping; you’re not coming out and spilling; but you’re dancing as closely to it as possible and it’s a real problem; especially because a lot of people don’t know they’re doing it.

Not sure whether you’ve ever been guilty of reckless talk? Check out the top four sins of the reckless talker:

1. Veiled hints, random jokes and “subtle” digs

This is a pretty common way to recklessly reveal a secret; but it’s used more often by the trusted confidante of the dirt-doer than by the dirt-doer himself. This is the signature move of frenemies. 

Say for example you slammed the man your good-good-girlfriend has been lusting after for years and were dumb enough to confide in her about it. Then the next time you are all out together she starts dropping hints, cracking jokes, and making little sarcastic comments. You’re looking at her extra sideways like – are you trying to bait me out?  Yep she is.

2. Bringing inside jokes outside

I have uncovered more than one twitter hook up romance just by watching the “private” jokes fly back and forth between tweeters. Yeah that little bit you guys do about where you call him "Ron" and he calls you "Freddie" may seem like an unbreakable code when your brain has been addled by lust, but it only took me 0.02 seconds to get the reference and conclude that you're playing hide the banana, so you may want to save that for pillow talk.

3. Suspect tweets

Let’s say one of my favourite bloggers is visiting my city for a long weekend. We make plans to hang out and it turns into a hook-up. We decide to just keep it between us and not tell anyone. But the next thing you know I’m on twitter talking about “The bed in @streetztalk’s hotel room is really comfortable”. That’s reckless talk and it deserves a hard slap.

4. Offering of extraneous information

This is another one that is most often perpetrated by an innocent party rather than the person trying to keep secrets. Let me give you an example of what it looks like:

One night a mostly platonic male friend and I were out at a party. We bumped into an old acquaintance of his and he stopped to chat. After a few minutes she says something along the lines of "Oh is this your girlfriend? I'm so excited to finally meet you! I can't believe you guys have been together for almost 10 years and this is the first time I'm seeing you".

Reckless talk! What if I was the jump-off or the next side piece? That woman and her lose lips would have effed the whole flex up for him. There is no need for anyone to be offering up all that information unprompted...that's just reckless.

I’m sure that at least one of you is going to say that there’s no reason to be concerned about reckless talk if you’re not doing anything wrong and I guess that is partly true. At the same time, the same way that you wouldn’t come out and tell the world the name, rank, and serial number of the last dude that visited your honey box is the same way you don’t need to subtly allude to the identity of the last woman who choked on your seeds. There are a lot of people out there who just go around looking for clues so they can gather dirt on people. Govern yourself accordingly.

What about you guys? Have you ever been exposed by a reckless talker? Ever blown up your own spot with reckless talk? Speak on it in the comments.

Any 10 on Tuesday

I'm nominated for 3 Black Weblog Awards! Don't forget to vote for me - all the info you need is right here.

So Throwback Tuesdays was getting a bit stale so I thought it was about time we did something new around here on Tuesdays. This week we start “Any 10 on Tuesdays” – each week I’ll ask some poor sucker an interesting person a bunch of questions and they can answer any ten of them and you guys get to experience someone else's point of view for a change. Sound like fun? And because I just made up these questions five minutes ago it's my blog, I figured who better to start with than myself? Let's begin:

Describe yourself in three sentences or less:

Blogger. Bag lady. Weirdo. Advertising Nerd. Dirty Bird. Girly girl.

1. Is there something about your life or lifestyle that makes your perspective on dating/relationships unique?

I’m a blogger, and that scares the living daylights out of men. They live in fear of being written about…and sooner or later they usually are so I can’t even fault them for it.

2. To what extent are you willing to adapt this lifestyle to that of your partner?

If we were talking about an actual partner as in a serious boyfriend or a husband, I’d be willing to do a lot of adapting; for a casual thing; not so much. I mean, I’m not going to call anyone out of his name on here but if I’m given good material I will write about it…I have no choice!

3. What is your current relationship status? Are you happy with it?

I’m happily single…I love my hedonistic, max-centric lifestyle. I’d like to have a lot more sex few more dates but all things considered I’d say I’m doing alright.

4. What are your must-have qualities in a partner?

He must be smart. I will run rings around a dumb dude and that’s not fun for anybody.
He has to have good manners – you guys have heard me rant about that enough that I don’t need to say anything more.

5. What’s the stupidest thing you see women do in their relationships? The biggest mistake you see men making? 

The dumbest thing I see both genders do is letting pride or principles get in the way of peace. This is what we're doing when we're keeping score in our relationships, or when we're getting ultra-pissy over dumb shit like toilet seats, or when we refuse to apologize just because we're convinced we're right. It's basically like giving everything we've got to win a battle without even noticing that we're losing the war.

6. What is your fundamental relationship truth?

What goes on between a man and a woman is between that man and that woman. No matter what anyone else thinks, knows, or thinks they know; there are only two people who really see the truth of a relationship.

7. What’s the #1 thing men/women don’t realize about themselves?

Women – how much of what they say and do is driven by a need for validation. For men – how much of what they do and think is driven by ego.

8. What’s your fatal flaw in relationships?

I’m way too easy-going. I need to start kicking some ass!

9. What turns you on?

Dirty talk. Smarts. Confidence. Muscles. Beer breath. Big words.

10. Which habit of your most annoys the people you date?

Smoking!

11.What’s the first thing you notice in a man/woman?

Shoes. Or I should say shoes are the first thing that matters. I may not look at your shoes first but bad shoes will negate everything else.

23. How often do you believe it is normal to want sex?

Daily during the week. 2 or 3 times on weekends.

Okay so I went a little overboard there...but I'm nothing if not extreme, you guys know this already. If anyone's interested, you can see the questions I didn't answer here.

What say you about the questions and answers? Weigh in, discuss, heckle, what have you in the comments.

Just Some Stuff

It's a holiday so I'm taking a day off...I'm coming back tomorrow with a new Tuesday series that I'm hoping you enjoy.

I do want to take two quick secs to say a huge thank you to everyone who nominated me for the Black Weblog Awards. I'm nominated in three categories:

• Best Sex or Relationship Blog
• Best International Blog
• Best New Blog

I'm so excited! Please shoot over  here and vote for me one last time. While you're at it, don't forget my friends over at Three Ways to Take It, JG Runs the Kitchen, The FreshXpress, and Awesomely Luvvie.

And for my procrastinating peeps, the voting period is a lot shorter than the nominations period...so please get on over there and vote before you forget!

Happy Black Christmas (aka Civic Holiday) everyone!