The Lost Art of Fingering

There are only a few days left to vote for the Black Weblog Awards. If you are my friend or a fan and you haven't voted yet, you fail at life. Vote now, vote often, vote for me!

It's no secret around these parts how much I love the pipe. So much so that when it comes to secksy time I don't really care to take a detour through foreplayland or oralville - I want to be on the express train to coitustown. But if there's one destination I'll take the scenic route through, it's fingering.

Ah fingering. Once upon a time before we lost our virginities it was the height of sexual activity. Now you're lucky if you get one measly finger halfway inserted for two seconds before the show goes on. I swear men put about as much care and attention into fingering as I do into dipping my hands into the pomade jar before I smooth down my hair and it's just not right.

Men - lean in close and let me tell you something important: fingering is a win. It's not just what you do to coax out the love that hasn't come down on its own, it's what you do to get the girl open so that she's begging you for more. If you don't know how to do that do not ever attempt to fuck me I don't know what to say to you. But I will share some tips that will work for me the majority of women.

1. Groom yourself

If you try to shove your raggedy fingernails into my silk purse you are gonna snag the lining. And that is not a good thing. There's no reason for your shit not to be groomed in the first place, but please make sure you handle that before you come around me.

2. It's not a lesbian porno

So please do not immediately attempt to shove your entire fist in my ladyflower. If fisting is what you're into we can talk about it you need to ease your way into it.

3. If you're not hitting the G spot don't even bother

There is nothing worse than a dude fingering you and hitting everything in there but the money spot. Do your research and find out where the G spot is and what to do when you find it. Otherwise keep your fingers to yourself.

5. Two in the pink, one in the stink

#FTW. That's all. Google it if you're brand new.

Those are my  tips for fingering, but I'm sure you guys have more to add. Ladies how do you feel about fingering - is it a lost art or can you do without it? Men - do you apply yourself to this task or just try to get 'er done before you move on to the main event? It's Friday - overshare!

This is the end, beautiful friend (Max in Real Life)

This is the end.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I'm a month and a bit away from a big birthday. At the end of September I'll be 35.

Wow. Still can't wrap my head around that. It just seems so...grown.

Aside from the fact that turning 35 officially makes me closer in age to 40 than to 30, this is a milestone birthday because it has always been the hard-stop, no excuses, no matter what age at which I have to quit smoking.

Sigh.

To my knowledge, none of my readers are smokers so I doubt that any of you can really feel me on this. But the idea of forging on through life without my constant companion is more than a little daunting. Except for two years when I accidentally quit smoking, I've been a smoker my entire adult life. It's who I am, what I do, and how I deal. And yes I know it's disgusting. Yes I know it will kill me. I know that I stink and my sense of smell and taste are impaired. But still the idea of life as a non-smoker just seems unholy to me.

I am very curious though to see what happens to my "love" life when I'm smoke-free. In the 15 or so years that I've been smoking I've had innumerable men express their dismay over my penchant for the demon weed. By that logic, once I'm a non-smoker those men should be lining up to take me out. Then I'll get to see if dating is any different when you don't have to duck out for smoke breaks. (I'm kidding, I don't do that. Unless I don't like the dude)

Increase in ass or not, I'm committed to giving it a shot. I have an action plan and it started this week. Just as I didn't become a nicotine junkie overnight, the process is gonna be long. I have a quit date in mind but I'm holding it down for now. But I'm putting my intention out in the universe in the hopes that making a public declaration will somehow galvanize me to make this happen.

I'm also calling on the words of the patron saint of self-destruction (that would be Jim Morrison for those of you who are new) to bid goodbye to my beautiful friend:

This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end.

I'm on Beehive FM Today!

Only a few days left - don't forget to vote for me!

Sorry guys I have no real post for you today but if you're jonesing for a little max in your life, check me out today on The Kenny Burns Show at www.beehivefm.com. I'm on at 3pm (Eastern) today!

We're talking about The Great Guy and the Regular Chick that little post I wrote a while back that resulted in me getting my ass handed to me in the comments on the FreshXpress. Check it out if you haven't yet.


Check me out today at 3pm at www.beehivefm.com or on Ustream

Any 10 on Tuesday with Melissa

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.

It's Tuesday and that means it's time for “Any 10 on Tuesdays” where each week I ask some poor sucker an interesting person a bunch of questions. This week we're talking to the lovely Melissa; who I think wins the prize for most frequent commenter on this blog. I have the pleasure of knowing her in real life but for those of you who don't, here are her 10 answers.

Ready? Let's begin.

Describe yourself in three sentences or less:

I like surprising people. I'm probably more cultured and well-rounded than anyone really knows, or that I let on. I love my dog.

1. Thong or boyshorts?

Both. A girl's gotta have options for any occasion. Funny thing though...I didn't start wearing thongs until a few years ago because I couldn't mentally accept the fact that they could be comfortable.

2. Could you be in a relationship that is not monogamous? Why or why not?

No, I could not. If I were to do it, I’d feel guilty and like I wouldn't be giving either person enough of me. And just thinking about the person I’m into being the way he is with me with someone else would make me very upset.

3. If you were alone in your boy/girlfriend’s house, would you snoop?

No. that's the epitome of insecure, something I try not to be. Plus...what if I got caught?!

4. What is your favourite sexual position?

I like them all, but I really like the feeling of a man on top of me. Makes me feel like I’m with a man, which in turn makes me feel more like a woman.

5. Blow job or hand job?

Blow job. I really don't understand handjobs. They seem so lazy and half assed. And more work.

6. What is your most embarrassing sexual experience?

Any time blood is involved, it's embarrassing (and gross....but it happens! sometimes it's a surprise!). But the funniest time was when my dog jumped on the bed and started humping the dude's leg. Dude shook my dog off, sending him flying into the wall. My poor dog. I felt so bad for him.

7. Which habit of yours most annoys the people you date?

Not just the people I date, but friends in general all hate the fact that I don't like making decisions. it doesn't mean I can't...I’m a lot more easy going than other people, so I just like them to make the decisions so that I don't get blamed for making the wrong one.
8. What’s the first thing you notice in a man/woman?

Friendly eyes, a genuine smile, height, overall attractiveness.

9. How often do you believe it is normal to want sex?

I think it's normal to want it all the time. To me, it's strange not to want it.

10. Do you know what a dirty sanchez is?

Yes...and ew.

What say you about the questions and answers? Weigh in, discuss, heckle, what have you in the comments. And if you're interested, you can see the questions she didn't answer here.

Signs You Might Be An Asshole

There are only a few days left to vote for the Black Weblog Awards. Vote for me!

One of my favorite expressions in life is "knowledge is power". It explains my fascination with wikipedia and provides the perfect justification for a penchant for gossip. And if knowledge in general is power then it stands to reason that self-knowledge is the most powerful weapon in our war on life.

Unfortunately, most people really have no idea what they're really like. And this is never more true than in the case of assholes; who always seem to have some bullshit reason for their assholey behaviour other than the fact that they're assholes. So for you my dear readers I'm giving you a gift: signs you might be an asshole.


1. You are persistently and repetitively inappropriate - even after being asked to stop.

If you're a guy or gal who makes sexual innuendos to the wrong person - your friend's ex, your ex's friend, your boy's little sister, your mother's husband - you're probably an asshole. If you continue to do it even after the person has asked you repeatedly to stop you're definitely an asshole.

3. You're sometime-ish.

If you're the kind of person who only greets people every third time you run into them - staring through them as if they're invisible all the other times - you're a rude asshole. If you only speak to people when you see them with someone you've deemed cool enough to warrant your attention you're a pretentious asshole. If you live in Toronto you probably pull this on 50% of the people you know about 50% of the times you go out - which is why this is the asshole capital of the world.

2. You lie about dumb shit.

Now you guys know I am not an advocate for complete honesty - a white lie or a faked orgasm can go a long way in a relationship - but dumb, obvious lies told for no good reason is stupid and unnecessary. Grow some stones, tell the truth, and stop being an asshole.

4. You wake people up ungracefully.

There is no greater barometer for the quality of someone's character than the method they use to wake someone. If you are a decent person, you will do it gently and gradually; allowing the person to ease their way into wakefulness. If you're my mother (a lovely human being with some assholey tendencies) you'll vacuum right outside the bedroom. If you're a certain ex of mine (a certified Grade-A asshole) you'll bang open the bedroom door and start talking loudly on the phone while watching videos on YouTube at top volume.

5. You hate The Foreign Exchange.

I'm not saying you have to love them. Maybe they just don't do it for you I'll even give you a pass if you've never heard of them. But if you listen to the album Leave It All Behind in its entirety and say you hate it, there's something wrong with your soul.

So what do you guys think? Is this asshole behaviour or just stuff max doesn't like? What are your asshole- warning signs? Speak on it in the comments.