5 Things I'm Not Doing if I'm Not Wifey

Don't forget to vote for me and your other favourite blogs for the Black Weblog Awards. All the details are right here

So yesterday I was over on Until I Get Married reading Five Things We’re Not Doing Since We’re Not Having Sex. His list was pretty interesting (he's not kissing if you're not giving up the nani, can you imagine?) and it got me thinking about withholding in relationships.

Like just about every woman in the world, I have had the misfortune to be involved with a man who didn't want a relationship but had no problem participating in relationship-y behaviour, especially if it benefited him. Ladies in this situation will more often than not shower their un-boyfriend with love, affection, pussy, accommodation, and whatever else she feels like in the futile hope that when he decides he wants to be in a relationship, she will be the chosen one. This is a bad bad bad idea but that's another post for another day.

If you find yourself in a situation where you want to be wifey but you're not there yet for whatever reason, the smart thing to do is to remove yourself. However, if you choose to stay, please believe you should not be giving up all your worldly goods to that dude. Now you guys should know me well enough to know that I would never advise you to withhold sex (why deprive anyone the singular joy of carnal relations), but if wifey status is what you're aiming for and you're not there yet, these are the moves you should not be making:

1. No Gifts

You can buy me gifts if you want, but I will not be returning the favour. Call me a throwback, but there's a limit to how much money I'm willing to spend on a man who I cannot call my own...going dutch on dinner at Swiss Chalet is about it.

2. No sleepovers

You guys know how I feel about sleepovers. I hate them. I'm not subjecting my hair to the evil that is a cotton pillowcase for a dude who doesn't want to claim me.

3. No merging of the circles

If I'm not wifey, I do not need to meet your friends or your family. Nor do you need to meet mine. It's this kind of blurring of the lines that makes women go crazy confuses things. When we make things official we can merge circles but in the meantime let's retreat to neutral corners, shall we?

4. No cooking, cleaning, or laundry

There are only two reasons a woman should be cooking or doing housework for a man: she's wifey or she's an employee. So unless you want to put me on your payroll, you can fix your own sandwich.

5. No anal, no tossed salad...and no coochie shots

Unless these acts are part of your normal, everyday, even casual hookups can get it sexual behaviour, you should not be giving up these goods. Ultra VIP acts are for ultra VIP status and if you're not wifey, he's not VIP.

6. No condom purchases

I'm sure this one only makes sense to me, but I refuse to buy condoms if I'm not on wifey status. It's strictly bring your own prophylactics at casa maxfab and if you don't you're outta luck.

That's my list anyway, but what say you? Are there any acts that you withhold while you're waiting to achieve wifey status? Or do you believe that giving him all the goods will put you on the accelerated path? Is their a comparable list for men looking to wife a woman? Speak on it in the comments.

The Art of the Chase (Throwback Tuesdays)

aIn the old days, when I had my eye on a dude, I had one strategy: shameless and reckless pursuit. And although this method made for some great stories, it never really yielded optimal results.

But what is the right way to chase a man? And should we even be doing it? He’s Just Not that Into You says no. The whole premise of the book is that the excuses that women make for why men aren’t making an effort with them are just so much bullshit and if he was really into you he would make the effort. So should we women just leave it all in their hands?

Consider this scenario: a few years ago I got the feeling that a casual acquaintance of mine was flirting with me. I was getting vibes but I wasn’t quite certain where he was going with it – was he interested? was he just a flirt? was I reading into things? was he too shy to make a move? I just didn’t know and didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself by making a move on him. The whole thing would probably have fizzled out without anything significant happening had my uber-brilliant sister not stepped in. She mentioned to him at a party that if he wanted to make a move on me, she would be okay with that. And what do you know? A couple of days later he asked me out and everything was lovely after that (until we split up and he married someone else but that’s another story).

Knowing what I know about that dude now, I know that he would never have asked me out if my sister hadn’t let him know that his advances would be welcomed. So does that mean that he just wasn’t that into me? Or was that me/my sister taking a participatory role in the courtship dance rather than putting all the responsibility on the man?

Most women believe that men are dense. So we don’t believe that smiling with our eyes is enough for them to get the message. Instead we offer our numbers, ask for theirs, find them on facebook, befriend their friends, hunt them down at parties, and otherwise make ourselves so available that the man basically has to alter his behavioural patterns to get away from us. Ladies, I have something to tell you: shameless and reckless pursuit is not the business

Men are hunters and we must give them the opportunity to do that. Otherwise they just get bored and we have to work overtime to maintain their interest.

I have a new strategy these days and it goes like this: I give a man three signs that I would be open to his advances. Three subtle signs. If he doesn’t catch on after that he’s either a) too stupid for me or b)not interested in me and he either gets demoted to jump-off status or erased from my radar.

Ladies, how do you chase? Men, how do you like to be chased?

The Great Guy and the Regular Chick

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?
 
Last night I was gossiping talking to a girlfriend about a mutual friend of ours and his new-ish boo-piece. The dude is pretty dope. Very smart, highly educated and very well-read. Cultured and well-traveled but not obnoxious about it. He reads books and plays sports. Has good taste in music and movies. Attractive and well-hung built. And he's funny. He is, for lack of a better word, a great guy.

Now booski on the other hand is just...meh. She's a pretty girl, but in an entirely unspectacular way. Okay body dressed in the most generic offerings ever put forth by the regular girl trifecta of Old Navy/The Gap/Banana Republic. She's smart enough to follow the conversation when we all hang but seemingly without the ability to contribute to it. She's not funny but she's able to understand a joke and laugh unassumingly at it. Neither particularly friendly nor particular stand-offish. The kind of girl that you don't mind having around but who you don't miss when she's absent. She's not a reader or a sports fan and her taste in television shows is more The City than Lost, more The Hills than True Blood. Musically she's strictly Top 40. In short, she's just....regular.

Before hooking up with this girl, our buddy had been single for a long time. And being the kind of friends who like to discuss things repeatedly and ad nauseam, I had heard many times his spiel about how he was looking for exactly the right woman. While this guy is not arrogant in any sense of the word, he's well aware that he's a bit of a catch and was holding out for a woman who was a match for him. So the day he announced that he was bringing "someone for us to meet" to one of our hang out sessions, imagine our surprise when he showed up with a girl who was just...regular.

This is a phenomenon I've witnessed too many times. I'm fortunate to have a lot of dynamic men in my life; some exes, some cousins, some friends. And it seems that 99% of the time that these dudes wife up, the girl is just...milquetoast. Meanwhile my most interesting, most dynamic, funniest and coolest female friends remain perpetually single with ladyflowers drying up under the hot sun of celibacy.

What is up with that?

Being the loud mouths type of people we are, as soon as the opportunity arose my girl and I began to hammer our buddy with questions about her; progressing quickly through the polite "where did you meet/how did you get together" stuff and getting straight to the point - why her? His answer basically boiled down to that she was easy. Not easy in the sense of being a mattress, but easy in the sense of being drama free. Accommodating. Undemanding.

Well colour me high-maintenance, but I would shoot myself in the head if "easy" was my boyfriend's reason for being with me.

I'm aware now that pretty girls have a bad rep for being too much work...but is this also true about interesting girls? Smart girls? Funny girls? Stylish girls? Is a woman who is accommodating and easy but lacks a discernible personality really so preferable to one who might give you an occasional headache but who can excite you with her intellect or cajole you out of a bad mood with her humour? Should we as women stop focusing on being interesting and start working on being obsequious?

My informal twitter poll last night didn't yield any conclusive answers (sidebar: do you guys love how I always say "informal twitter poll" as if it's possible to have a "formal" poll on twitter??). There was a fair amount of people who mistook my definition of "regular" to mean pretty; therefore there were a fair amount of knee-jerk responses suggesting that the man has matured enough to value compatibility over looks. But don't get it twisted - pretty girls can be regular too. Being regular isn't about looks; to me it comes down to this: if someone asked me what you're like and I can't come up with five adjectives to describe your personality, you're regular. Because you have no distinguishing characteristics.

But anyway...what do you guys think? Is this dynamic guy-regular chick phenomenon one you've noticed before? Or is this just saltiness on the part of an interesting chick who can't find someone to take her to the outdoor movies at Harbourfront one of those things that can't be understood when you're looking at a relationship from the outside? Is there an inverse of this - dynamic women wifing regular dudes? And my gentleman - have you ever wifed a regular girl? Illuminate me in the comments.

Ready for Love - A Guest Post

If you've been reading this blog with any kind of regularity you probably know by now that love is not on my agenda. Although I have a great appreciation for love in other people's lives, I'm of the firm belief that a good book, a stiff cock, and a fresh bagel are pretty much all I need to keep me happy. But every now and then it's nice for me to post something over here at jaded woman central that appeals to those of you who still have souls actually are in love or plan to be one day. Thankfully my girl MsEsquire77 has brought the goods today with an open letter to her future husband.  Check her out and be sure to show her love in the comments so she'll come back and visit us again.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I want to be a wife. While I’d like to have a lovely wedding it’s not really all that important to me. What I really want is a commitment that mirrors what my grandparents have had for the past 59 years. While I’m sure they’ve had their share of tragedies and triumphs they are still together and their love each other is evident to anyone who knows them. I’m 32 (33 on October 5th…feel free to send me gifts.) and I’ll confess that in the past few years I’ve grown a little weary with waiting on my husband. I sometimes find myself asking God, “When will it be my turn?” I’m ready for love.

I have an anthology about love called “It’s All Love: Black Writers on Soul Mates, Family and Friends”. One of my favorite pieces is “One Hundred Days of Bliss” by Sonsyrea Tate Montgomery. In a nutshell it’s an e-mail from her to God thanking Him for her husband, Mike. It has inspired me to write a letter to my future husband. Here goes:

To my beloved,

What took you so long?! I’m just kidding :) I know that God had a plan for us and that we were predestined to meet and fall in love based on His timeline but I’ll admit that I was getting a little nervous.

I’d known love in my past and mistakenly thought I’d met you at least once before but God knew better. I am thankful for those past relationships because they taught me invaluable lessons about patience, kindness, fidelity and communication. Those other men were just tools that the Master used to mold me and shape me into the woman He wanted me to become for you.

When we first met I was guarded because I’d been hurt in the past but you were patient with me and didn’t let my fear run you away. We both came into this relationship with some baggage but have managed to love each other flaws and all. You’ve loved me with a passion that is honest and true and I thank you for allowing me the freedom to be my best me.

Our marriage isn’t always perfect but our love is and it allows us to press through the hard times. We cherish our vows and have managed to stay together through sickness & in health, through richer & through poorer. Through it all you’ve been my lover, my friend and the head of our household. I’m thankful for you and all that you do.

You are the answer to countless prayers and I’m blessed to have you.

Thank you for loving me and accepting my love in return.

Yours until the end of time,
Shondriette

That was beautiful, wasn't it? I have no doubts that my little Shonnerz will find what she's looking for because she has the courage to put it out into the universe.

But what about you guys? Are you actively seeking your husband or wife? Think you're ready for it? Have you ever written a letter like this? Already found your love? Think love is for other people? Share your stories.

Now I may not be ready for love but I am ready for a Black Weblog Nomination. Have you nominated me yet? If I'm not going to have a husband I need something to cuddle up with at night! Get the easy instructions right here.

 

Throwback Tuesday - The Just Before Girl

The just before girl kinda has a bad rep.  Nine times out of ten she is (or is portrayed as) the one who lied, cheated, took advantage, stole, stalked, hurt, betrayed, or cheated on your guy. She's the reason he doesn't want to commit/is in a selfish phase/won't open up/can't trust anyone.

Yeah.  The just before girl can really fuck shit up for you.

But sometimes the just before girl is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes the just before girl is your guardian angel and you don't even know it. She's the one who endured the games, the fuckwittage, the fear of commitment, the push and pull, the switcheroo, and the unrelationship for a little or a long time; steadfastly staying the course, unwaveringly understanding;  showing your guy that he can count on her.  Or someone.

Unfortunately for the just before girl (but fortunately for you), shit never works out between her and your guy. It can't - that's just the nature of the just before.  But when it ends - sometimes more amicably than others - your guy emerges with a different perspective. On some level he realizes he was a dickhead and mindfucked the just before girl six ways from Sunday.  He emerges - like a butterfly from a cocoon - slightly less of an asshole than he was before.

This is where you come in. Your guy won't be perfect (they never are) but at least he'll be able to admit he's been a jerk in the past. Your road with him won't be completely smooth, but at least you'll have a destination in sight.

See I'm that just before girl. Looking back over my illustrious career as a serial dally-er;  I'm noticing that almost all the men I've dallied with have gone on to wife (literally or figuratively) their next girl.
 
This makes me strangely proud. 

Like a mother hen who has raised her chicks and sent them off to lay their own eggs;  I'm grooming boyfriends, fiances, and husbands on my little farm.  I'm like a finishing school for flawed men.   I'm like the last inspector in a factory who makes sure the product is in salable condition before it hits the shelves. Just call me Inspector #9

What do you guys think? Do you think the person that preceded you has any impact on your man/woman's behaviour? Are you the just-before girl/guy?

Throwback Tuesday - The Comfort Zone

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd re-post all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

So ladies, you know how it is - you meet someone, you start dating, and you're working overtime to make sure your shit is on point. Everything is waxed, hair is always done, and every date requires a quorum to determine the perfect outfit. And it works, right? Things progress and deepen, you have the talk about exclusivity, and you begin to feel a little more secure. So you take the waxing lady off speed dial, choose your own outfits, and start wearing the glasses and saving the contacts for 'special' occasions. Nothing wrong with that. But then things progress a little further, you know you have him on lock, and suddenly you live at the corner of messy ponytail and lululemon pants. You show up for sleepovers wearing your head tie and your zit cream. And we all know you're not shaving or waxing a place.

Ladies, there's such a thing as too comfortable. And that is it.

I’m not saying that you need to look like a runway model every moment you're with your man. A wise man once told me "a woman can't be on her A game every time you see her". That’s true, but that does not mean you need to completely fall off your grooming habits.

Please remember - men are visual creatures - they are stimulated by what they see. So please give them something enticing to look at, or don't be upset when they look somewhere else. And remember what I told you - you gotta start as you mean to go on. So if you start out cute and get lazy, don't be surprised when he starts out smitten and ends up bored.

Now this does not mean that you have to do what I do dumb sh*t like waiting until he falls asleep to take off your makeup and tie your hair and then set the alarm really early so you can groom yourself and climb back in bed. That’s just silly. Head tying is a necessary part of hygiene and most men will appreciate the effort. But think of it as a trade off:

Head tie + flannel pajamas = not hot
Head tie + sexy pajamas = him probably not even noticing what is on your head.
Bonus points for head tie + no pajamas

Not wearing makeup if you're hanging at home = fine
Walking around with dots of toothpaste all over your face = fail

I think you get the picture. Am I off base here?

Oh and men - don't think you're off the hook here either. You know you get comfortable too. No one wants to see you walking around with strategically-placed holes in your boxers. And yes you have to put lotion on even if we are just hanging at your place (on your WHOLE body please - not just your arms and legs). We women may not be as driven by the visuals as you are, but we still want to see you looking good.

What say you all though? Ladies how comfortable do you get with your man? Men - how comfy is too comfy?


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

First Time Fail

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

So when we last talked about first time sex, we stopped before it started. You'd met him. You'd charmed him.  Tweeted, texted, and talked. You went on the requisite number of dates. And then the big day came. He came over and ya'll boned.  And it was weak sauce. What now?

A reader recently asked me to give some tips on how to recover from the first-time flop. It was a difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around because I'm a total sex is like pizza girl. So as usual I took it to the internets in the form of a poll. I asked "Can you recover from bad first-time sex? How?" What I got was a whole bunch of "nope"s.

Apparently for everyone I know, a bad first-time slam is a dealbreaker. As one of my twitterpeeps put it, it's like a job interview....if you don't do well you're obviously not suitable for the position. That's it. No second chances, no do-overs. One shot and you're out.

Now I love pipe more than as much as the next girl, but to me this is just crazy talk. You're gonna throw out a perfectly decent man for one bad thronx? Well then give him my number! That's not very smart. So if you're like me and you want to try to overcome a first-time flopshow, here are my 3 tips.

1. Get back on the horse...like, immediately.

This tip comes courtesy of my girl Skye of MetAnotherFrog.com. Rather than each player sitting around stewing over the loss, have a re-match as soon as possible. You'll both have something to prove, some of the first-time awkwardness may have diminished, and you never know what might come.

2. Read the signs

Now this is something you should always be doing; but when you're in recovery mode it might be extra helpful. Watch and listen closely to what your partner says and does; how they respond various stimuli. For example, if a man spanks me playfully outside of the bedroom and he's watching closely, he'll see a look of delight light up my eyes quickly before I laugh and push him away. That's a sign that it would probably be okay in the bedroom. Or tell him stories about things you've "heard" and guage his reaction. Like "oh I was just reading about this really interesting thing called the Cincinatti Bowtie. It's when you...." if he contorts his face in horror then you know to tread lightly when it comes to that kind of stuff. If he starts extolling the virtues of this technique, you know to run for the hills something about him too.


3. If all else fails, talk about it

This scenario presupposes that you and your partner have taken some time before you hopped in the sack, so by now you've probably built up some kind of rapport. You know each other at least a little bit and you should be able to sit down and have a grownup conversation about sex. I have no tips for you as to what to say or when to say it, but this seems like it would work.

What do you guys think? Do you throw back a partner if the first time is a flop? Or are you willing to work at finding a solution? Do you have any tips for overcoming the first time #fail? Educate us all in the comments.

I Am Too Proud to Beg

A couple of years ago I counselled a good friend through a breakup. Athough her boyfriend was a great guy, she had some very good reasons for wanting to end things. She felt awful about it though, and it took a couple of months to accept what needed to be done. Then she called me in. We talked, we made sure she was doing it for the right reasons, we made sure she was sure.  And we got to work. We determined the ideal date, time, and location for the breakup to occur. We wrote a script well I wrote it but whatevs and practiced it. She had a tagline. We plotted an exit strategy and a fall-out plan. We were ready.

B-day came. She went in and completed her mission like a soldier. In the face of shock, tears, and anger she remained resolute. She did it quick and dirty and got out, just like I coached her. Then she felt like shit so I took her out and got her hammered. The next day she felt great.

The thing is though, for the rest of that week her ex-man contacted her daily. Sometimes he would call for a quick chat, sometimes he sent her angry text messages, sometimes he called her crying. But like a good ex, she kept the conversations short and reminded him that a clean break was better for everyone. She felt like an asshole, but she knew it was the right thing to do. 

Then ol' boy stepped up his game. Now instead of calling to chat he was calling to tell her he would always love her. Instead of angry emails, she was getting "I can't live without you" letters.  He was still calling her crying but then he brought in the dirtiest tactic of all - full on begging. Suddenly every conversation was filled with a whole lot of "please" and "I'll do anything" and "Please take me back because I can't live without you and I promise I'll change and I love you and please please please give me another chance."

It was pathetic. But apparently I was the only one who thought so because two weeks later they were back together, happier than pigs in shit with all their old issues unresolved and firmly in place. 

I was disgusted. Deeeeeeesgusted. I couldn't believe that all those hours I spent strategizing with her (over the phone I might add and you know how much I effing hate the phone!) went out the window so quickly.

"Why?" I asked her. "What has changed?"

"Nothing," she admitted. "but I felt really bad."

And now she doesn't. Now she feels good because all the begging gave her an ego boost and nothing impairs our judgement like a big dutty swollen head.  As for him, all I can think every time I look at him is "don't you have any pride??".

See if there's one thing I learned from my mother, it's pride. What I remember most from my childhood is her saying things like "Don't beg a man for anything" and "If that man doesn't want there's always another one out there who is stupid enough to want you " (nice one Mum) and "Never ever let a man think you need him more than he needs you". And so while there have definitely been times in my life where I've wanted to beg someone not to leave or plead with someone to come back after he'd left, I literally cannot. I am too proud to beg.

But am I right to be this way? Not according to Sade and the Book of Proverbs. And you know at times I'm inclined to agree. Beyond stopping me from begging someone to be with me, pride is also part of what stops me from making the first move on a man, and I do sometimes wonder if my pride is standing in the way of my one true love? Just think - if I'd asked my first crush on a date or begged my first love to come back after one of our breakups, would I have the house with the white picket fence and 2.5 children right now? Or would I have an unruly man who knows he can do what he wants because I can't live without him?

I think you guys know what I think...what do you think? Have you begged someone to take you back? Would you? Has begging ever worked on you?

What You Won't Do for Love

When it comes to relationship blogging, the meat is often in the big issues. Topics like when and with whom to become the up-the-butt-girl, the right way to break up, and how to keep a man have the legs we need to start discussions and grow our audience. But when it comes to relationships, I think the meat is in the small stuff. 

For example, I grew up watching my mother cornrow my father's hair. She cooked for him, even though she hates cooking, because my dad is the kind of man who won't eat if food is not placed in front of him. She also filed his nails, popped his buttons, and cut his toenails.

When I got older and lost my mind became a live-in ungirlfriend, I wanted to do those same things for my un-man. Most of my friends were horrified that I was willing to do these things (especially the popping of the buttons); they have neither the time nor the inclination to "bow down" to their man in these ways. But to me those were the ways in which I told him I cared on a daily basis. I don't know; maybe it's the throwback in me, but I really feel like it's through the little things like this that we show our feelings to our partners. Don't get me wrong, the big stuff is important too. But while I think your stance on the larger issues is reflective of your feelings about your relationship, it's your willingness to clip toenails that shows your feelings about the one you're with.

But what do you guys think? Ladies would you clip your man's toenails to show him you care? Men would you say I love you by stealing maxi-pads for your girl? (random but real example). Do you think it's the little things that say I love you?

Baby What's Your Sign?

It's the beginning of the month and you know what that means right? Time to check out the monthly forecast on AstrologyZone.com of course. As a new month draws near, I find myself reviewing the current month's forecast to see whether what she predicted actually came to pass and I start to get antsy waiting for the next month's predictions to roll through.

Yup, I admit it. I believe in astrology. I know this officially makes me a girl but I cannot lie.

When I'm feeling a man, one of the first things I want to know about him is his sign. Not to tell me whether he's worth pursuing, but to help me devise a strategy to get him to pursue me. My experience - and this handy tool - have shown me that different signs respond best to different tactics.  For example, if you want to seduce a Pisces man, you want to tread lightly with him. If you push too hard that little fishie will swim away. On the other hand, if you want to seduce a Libra man you have to go a little hard at him; we Libras are well-known for our dithering.

But what about once we've captured our prey? Does our astrological compatibility affect our relationships? I'm no expert, but I do know this: the last two relationships I had were with Leo men. And they were basically the exact same relationship. Same issues, same fights, same reason for their ultimate demise. There is something about a Leo-Libra combination that just does not work for me. I've also had more than one almost-relationships with fellow Libra dudes but two Libras together is also not a good combination - nobody has the balls to make a move.

Now before Sam Sharpe comes to school me in the comments, let me be clear: I'm aware that there are many other factors that influence a relationship and its outcomes and that there are a lot of other things that could explain why I couldn't make it work with my Leo loves such as they were assholes. But at the same time I just don't think it's a coincidence. I know that I am the living manifestation of everything you read about Libra women - maybe because what I've read has influenced my behaviour - and I've yet to meet a man whose behaviour was diametrically opposed to his astrological profile. So until someone proves me wrong, I'm going to continue to use astrology as the cornerstone of my seduction strategy.

What do you guys think? Does astrology matter to you in courting or relationshps? Am I full of shit? Educate me.

And shout out to @PKGM and @MizzLoveLippz for making me blog rather than going to bed at 7:00pm last night. I'm looking at you two bitches for comments.

A Date at the Strip Club

Way back before I became the dirty bird that I am today, I went to a strip club one night with a few of my male friends. I was a young dumb thing at the time and I sooo did not want to be there. But as the lone girl in a pack of men my vote didn't matter much and next thing I knew we were inside. The night was one part traumatic and one part illuminating. Sitting in pervert's row seeing a little bit too much detail for my delicate constitution = traumatic. Getting a (free) lap dance? Illuminating.

I don't remember how or why it came to be that I got a lap dance at this club, but I remember it started with the girl telling me she needed me to open my legs. And ended with her in between them holding her breast in my face and licking her nipple. Je-sus. In one five minute song I went from "strip clubs are nasty" to "I LOVE strip clubs!".

My point? Well most women I know hate the fact that their man goes to strip clubs and most men I know like to go. So ladies, once again I'm here to ask you to get over it. And once again I'm going to give you a list:

5 Reasons Why You Should be Going to the Strip Club with Your Man

1. Strip clubs are pretty good foreplay

Now let me caveat this here - I'm not talking about grimey spots like the Fabulous Forum back in London. I'm talking a decent to upscale place where the women are under the age of 50 and don't have their Cesarean scars on display. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah - a strip club can get you - and more importantly your man - nicely revved up before the main event. You locked-down ladies who are complaining that the spark is gone? Here's a good way to light it up.

2. It doesn't make you a bad girl

The older I get the more I believe that women just pretend not to like certain things to solidify their status as a nice girl. This is so patently ridiculous that I'm not even going to address it, so let me just say this. Going to the strip club with your man is pretty much the only "adventurous" thing you can do without actually having to do anything. If it makes you feel better, call yourself taking one for the team.

3. He's going anyway

Some homosexual men don't like strip clubs, but most do. So there's a pretty good chance that at some point in your relationship you're going to be sitting at home with zit cream on your face and Charlie's Angels in the DVD player while your man is taking in the sights. So you might as well suck it up and go with him.

4. You might learn something about your man

I think you can tell a lot about a dude by how he behaves at the strip club. Those jackasses that shout and jeer at the girl from their seats in Pervert's Row probably don't respect women much. The ones that go there and never look up from their Blackberry and try to talk about personal branding? They're gay pretentious. How a man looks at a woman who is taking off her clothes for money says a lot about him.

5. It's hot

Did I say that already? Well it is. Trust me.

Publish Post

Okay ladies - what do you think? Will you go to the strip club with your man? If not, do you at least have the sense to shut your yap when he goes with his friends? Gentlemen - do you even want your lady at the strip club with you?

Other People's Logic: Is this the new guy?

For the first time ever we have a guest poster today. The indomitable Dr. Jay who tells women about their parts on a regular basis on twitter, The Book of Jackson, and your favourite blogger's favourite blog Single Black Male. If you don't read him, you should. He makes men cheer and women cry. In a good way. Dr. Jay is giving us the flip side of yesterday's post about the next girl.

I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life… actually a lot.  This may surprise you, but I don’t currently have a lot of girlfriends now, lol.  Some I broke up with, some broke up with me and some things just fizzled and we parted ways mutually.  Yeah you know things don’t always work out because not everyone is for everyone.  But how do you react once you find out that there is a new dude in the picture?

Speaking for myself, if a girl is not with me anymore and she finds a better guy, I can’t be mad at her or him.  I’m actually happy for her.  But that’s the man in me, I’m not some immature boy who thinks that’s I’m the best a girl will ever had, or that this guy somehow stole my girl.  No one can steal your stuff if you lock it up.

Then there’s the fell chance that you may find out your ex is now talking to a guy who is no where near as good for her as you were.  This upsets us all.  It might make you laugh, but that laughter is the laughter that one gets when they’re so upset they can’t help but laugh.  There are three people who make this situation worse than it has to be; Your family, your friends and her friends.  Your family is supposed to be there for you, but sometimes in there attempts to pacify you they can make it worse.  “You’re better off without her”, doesn’t really say what you want them to say.  Your friends sometimes can be more obsessed with your ex’s new flame than you ever will be.  Have you ever had a friend who messaged you to let you know that your ex posted new pictures on Facebook?  (These are usually the haters in your life.)  Her friends want you to think she’s doing so very well without you so they can run and tell her how sad you look.  I’ll tell you straight up, I don’t give a sh*t.

(Funny story, I know a chick who I used to talk to and her friend actually tells me all the time how the guy she’s with now isn’t anything compared to me.  I find it funny.  #DANGER)

What about when the person telling you about their new flame is YOUR ex?  Now that’s funny to me.  I had someone ask me the other day why I talk to one of these girls I used to talk to all the time.  (Scratch that, I’m not getting into all that.  She probably reading this post right now.)  But seriously, I have to laugh when the ex is telling you about her new guy.  I mean, it’s weird and it’s not weird.  I’ve had situations where I have had exes that I’m really close with now on just a friend level and then talking about that stuff doesn’t bother me.  And then there’s like exes who I just don’t care to be friends with, so I take that as amusement.  I have this one ex, and like for no reason she just broke up me with one day.  OK, whatever, a woman makes a decision and can’t find the words to explain it, so she just says nothing… big deal.  Later on I find out that the dude she’s talking to was playing her hardcore.  I couldn’t stop laughing for like three days.  Three days!

In all of this, there’s really nothing anybody can do.  I have never told an ex that a guy wasn’t good enough for her.  (That’s a lie, I told an ex one time after she broke up with a guy that I never liked the dude to begin with.)  But I have never overstepped the bounds of my friendship or past relationship.  If that’s the guy she’s chosen to be with, that’s her problem not mine.  That’s what we call the care zone.  Once you step outside of the care zone then you have to make decisions on your own.  (I find that women who “like the way I think” find it really hard when they decide they don’t want to be with me anymore and I tell them, I can’t give them advice for their lives anymore.  I mean honestly, why would I give you advice that doesn’t benefit me at all and in fact ends up hurting me in the long run?  C’mon son.)

The Next Girl

 Even when they’re done properly, there are a lot of things that suck about breakups. The missing, the crying, the what-ifs, the things he left behind – it’s all a big ball of misery. But for women the worst part of a breakup is discovering that her ex has a new girl. Whether it happens two weeks or two years later and no matter whether she was the dumper or the dumped, no woman can claim to be unaffected by the fact that another woman is occupying her position of honour in the ex man’s life.

The emergence of the next girl kicks us into detective mode; I think the expression “know thy enemy” was created for this very situation. We creep Facebook and Twitter, we snoop, we make subtle inquiries, we put our friends on full-on spy alert to find out what we can about this interloper. For some reason, women have to compile a dossier on the next girl, the contents of which determine how we feel about the situation.

Top 5 things we need to know about the next girl.

1.  Her name.

Knowing the next girl’s name is critical. It helps us determine what “kind” of girl you’re dealing with – we think we can tell things like whether she’s pretty, smart, or classy by her first name. It’s patently ridiculous, but it’s essential information.

2.  How long has this been going on?

We need to know whether we need to cut her the next time we see her. Obviously if her stint overlaps ours, she’s a dead gyal walking. If she allowed for a reasonable mourning period before swooping in for the kill, we’ll let her live. For now.

3.  Is she prettier than I am?

Most girls are highly aggrieved if they find out that the next girl is prettier than she is. But as someone who has had the experience of the next girl who favours one ol' piece of dry up cho-cho, let me tell you there is nothing more insulting than the fact that your ex man would rather be with an ugly girl than you. Same logic applies to intelligence and success.

4. Are you being nicer to her than you were to me?

I dealt with a man once who never wanted to go anywhere with me. I don’t know if it was laziness or cheapness or he had another woman (or all three) but it was like pulling teeth to get this guy out on the road with me. When we split up I wasn’t that upset and I was only slightly irked when I found out about the next girl, but you cannot imagine the throat punch I wanted to give him when I started seeing him running the streets with her.

5.    Do you like her better than me?

About 90% of women’s irrational behaviour comes from the fact that we need to be #1 in a man’s life. It’s why women complain about anything that takes a man’s attention away from her. So while we might be able to tolerate you distracting yourself from your pain in the arms of a dumber, uglier, woman whom you treat like a dog; if we get the slightest inkling that you actually prefer her, someone’s getting a beating.

6. Does she know about me? Like, really?
Old heads such as myself may remember the first episode of Ally McBeal when she goes to work to find out she'll be working along side her ex and his new wife. She asks the ex if the next girl knows about her and he says "yes I told her we dated." Ally is not happy. Because "we dated" was not putting enough significance on their relationship. The ex girl wants the next girl to know how much you loved her so she feels appropriately threatened.

It pains me to admit it, but this is one area in which I am just like every other girl. As the girl who gave her ex the most spectacular pep talk before he walked down the aisle, I qualify for the title of coolest ex in the world but I still get irked by the next girl. Call me irrational, but I don't like the feeling that I've been tossed aside for someone inferior.

Ladies - are you with me on this one? Men - how do you feel about the next man?

Why are you yelling?

Once upon a time, a man and a woman lost their minds decided to move in together. The woman was easygoing and reasonable and the man was - well, not so much. Because of the woman's benevolence (and general superiority as a human being), on the rare occasions that the lovebirds fought, the arguments were quickly diffused by the woman, who valued peace over being right and was quick to offer up whatever was required to smooth things over; often it meant apologizing even though she was never not wrong.

One day the man and the woman were driving and got into a little disagreement. Before anyone knew what was happening, it erupted into a full-on fight. The man, having smoked crack or some other mind-altering substance, thought it would be a good idea to start yelling at the woman. And as he raged at her at a volume that was sure to break the sound barrier, the woman waited for a red light, got out of the car, went home and packed a bag. By the time the man made it home, the woman was on her way to Union station to catch the next train to her parents' house.

Seem a bit melodramatic to you?

As the woman in this fairytale, let me explain. I hate yelling. I will - and have - put up with a lot in my dealings with the opposite sex, but for me yelling is the point of no return; the exclusive domain of crazy bitches and soon-to-be-abusive boyfriends. And yet I hear stories all the time about people in relationships yelling at one another. I need someone to explain this to me. How is it ever okay for one hardback person to yell at another hardback person? This is what's hot in the streets? Are we so limited in our powers of communication that the only way we can express anger is through volume? Is yelling ever okay?

But back to my story. I never did get on the train that day. In the end, the man found me waiting at the bus stop and apologized to me. Profusely and sincerely (there were knees on the ground). It would have been a wholly satisfying experience if it weren't for his qualifier - "but I was mad".

Here's another thing I want you guys to explain to me, because "I was mad" is everyone's justification for yelling. If you can't help yelling at your SO when you get angry, what do you do when you boss pisses you off? Do you yell at him? If your mother enrages you (and Lord knows they do that), do you fly off the handle and tell her about her parts? I just don't buy it. I think the reason we yell at the one we love is that we've gotten a little too brave. At work, the fear of the pink slip will keep your anger in check. With Mommie Dearest, you know she will knock your teeth out if you raise your voice so you find a way to keep your cool. But with our mates it seems that our arrogance removes that little filter that tells us "this is not an appropriate way to speak to someone".

I warn the men that I get involved with from the beginning that I don't like yelling. Given the choice I would rather he curse me, spit at me, hell even piss on me before he raises his voice to me. And should he choose to do it anyway, he should be prepared for the consequences.

But tell me, oh collective voice of reason, am I way off-base here? Is yelling a normal part of the man-woman dynamic or am I within my rights to cut a dude who gets loud on me?

The Connection will not be Televised

I've spent most of my life being the voice of reason for my girlfriends. I've got it down to a science by now, to the point where I barely even need to listen to their tales of woe to know what their course of action should be. I still do though. Sometimes.

Probably about 90% of the problems I hear about are effed-up relationships. And of that 90%, about 90% of the excuses reasons I hear for why they stay in said effed-up relationships can be aggregated up to one sentence: "But we have a connection!".

Having been blessed at birth with reason and accountability, I tend not to think like a normal woman. Therefore it's a bit difficult for me to even understand what they're talking about when they start whining going on about connections. From what I gather, this is something beyond just liking or loving someone. It's greater than physical attraction. It seems a connection is something transcendental; a destiny-type thing if you wanna get all Love Jones about it. The mythical, magical, majestical connection seems to mean that this person is meant to be in your life, no matter how badly they behave.

Picture this foolishness: Woman meets Man. They feel an instant connection. They click. He gets her, his soul speaks to her soul, he completes her (barf). It's wonderful. It's the stuff that chick flicks are made of. They have a connection and it is beautiful. But as time goes on, things begin to change. Instead of cradling her lovingly while reading Love Letters of Great Men aloud, Man is now treating Woman like something distasteful he found at the bottom of his shoe. Woman's desperate pleas for things to go back to the way they were fall on Man's deaf ears. Woman comes to me asking for advice. I say "leave his trifling ass". But she just can't. Because they have a connection.

You know who really loves to talk about connections? People in love triangles. We all know this story - Man and Woman meet and have a connection but some type of circumstance either breaks them up or stops them from getting together. They go their separate ways and one or both of them becomes committed to someone else. But sooner or later, that pesky connection kicks back in and they just can't stay away from each other. Now they're wreaking all kinds of havoc in their lives and those of their unsuspecting partners and coming running to me for advice. Which is - say it with me now - leave his/her trifling ass. But they can't. Because they have a connection.

If I reach way back into the recesses of my memory, I can recall how amazing it feels to meet someone whom you click with. Someone who gets you, whose soul speaks to your soul, blah blah blah. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you find someone that you think was chosen for you by whatever higher power you believe in. But here's my thing. When that person starts to treat me like caca, I'm going to start using that connection to wipe my ass, because that's all it's good for.

The way I see it, women who play the connection card (and I'm singling out the ladies because I have never heard a man use this excuse) are just trying to avoid responsibility for their actions. Instead of growing stones and leaving a man in the dust when he treats her like doo doo, she blames it all on the connection - like a connection is a free pass for shitty behaviour.

Ladies, lean in close to the screen right now because I have something to tell you: a connection and $3 will get you on the bus.

Here's my take on connections. When things are good, they make them even better, but when things are bad, they don't do shit.  So why women work so hard to maintain their connection to someone who makes them feel like a bag of moldy ass is completely beyond me. I suspect this has something to do with television. We all watched Days of Our Lives back in the day when Kayla & Jack got back together even though he raped her way back when they were married. But life is not a soap opera, and a bad scene is a bad scene, even when you have a connection.

That's what I think - what do you guys think? Ladies do you give your man a longer rope when you feel there's a special connection? Men - do you even know when you have a connection with a woman? Educate me people.

The Good Break Up

One of my biggest reasons for shunning relationships is that it ipso facto shuns break ups. For all the mouth I have here on this blog, I can be a punk softie in real life. This makes it exceedingly difficult for me to successfully execute a break up - I just feel too bad to do it and end up stuck in shitty situations far longer than I should. I am, however, really good at telling other people how to break up and today I'm sharing my wisdom with all of you.

A bad break up is a bitch and can reverberate through a person's life for years to come. So unless you want to be the evil ex for the rest of your life, follow my commandments for a humane breakup:

1. Be sure - a lot of people (I'm looking at you ladies) like to say things to provoke a reaction and then turn tail when they don't get the reaction they expected. This is childish and stupid. If you say you're done, you'd better be done.

2. Show up - If you're over the age of 16 and you live in the same city as your soon-to-be ex, email/text/phone break ups are not the business. If things have gone deep enough to require a break up, you are required to do it in person. Otherwise you're a panty meat and no one likes a panty meat.

3. Tell the truth - Men I'm talking to you right now. If you have a reason for ending it, please share. Don't get all wishy washy and start obfuscating about how it's not her it's you and you just need time and you just need time and that kind of shit. If you want to leave your girl because her constant queefs are freaking you the f*ck out, just say so. It is the only fair thing to do and it also provides that thing the ladies love so much - closure.

4. Accept that you might have to be the bad guy - Some people can break up gracefully and move on with their lives without bearing their ex any ill will. Other people get angry and cast their new ex as the villain in the little soap opera of their life. Be prepared for thinly-veiled tweets and Facebook status updates about you.

5. Don't be a shoulder to cry on - You cannot comfort someone about yourself.  You dumped her. She's upset and confused and it's nice that you get that. But if you don't want to be her boyfriend anymore you cannot be the person she calls in the middle of the night when she can't sleep because the bed is just so empty. You are not the person she should be calling when her car breaks down or she had a bad day.  That's what God invented girlfriends for. Plus - let's be honest, you probably won't have anything helpful or constructive to say when she's crying down the phone so just don't.

6. Space first, friends second - Men I'm talking to you again because you guys are dirty with this. When you break up with someone, you have to give them space, whether they know they want it or not. Trying to be friends right away is only going to confuse her and give her false hopes. And don't give me that shit about how you feel bad or you genuinely like her as a person or you value her friendship. That all may be true, but that's not why you stick around afterward. It's either because you a) get off on seeing how difficult it is for her to get over you or b) you feel guilty and you're using her to assuage your guilt. Either way you are an ass.

7. Don't cave - The following is a list of unacceptable reasons to get back together with your ex:

You're horny

She's really upset

You didn't mean it

You feel guilty

You miss her

The next that you dumped him for didn't work out

You need a date for your co-workers wedding

You still love him

If you followed breakup commandment #1, none of these issues means shit. You broke up with this person for a reason and unless that reason has miraculously vanished you need to keep it moving.

8. If you live together, one of you needs to move out - Just trust me on this one. 

What do you guys think? Does the way we handle break ups make them easier or do they just suck no matter what?

How to Keep a Man

If you follow me on twitter you saw me tweeting the other night about the old diaries I was reading. They were so sadly pathetic that I was actually a little bit ashamed to be myself. But I found something interesting in there that I thought I would share with you all.

Back in my early twenties I was dating this man who was just a spectacular a$$hole. And one day he ordered me to watch Queens of Comedy and pay special attention to Mo'nique's part about how to please her man. He told me to listen closely and write it down. Lucky for you, I was an obedient little girl and I did.

Let's examine Mo'nique's rules of thumb for keeping her man:

1. She never lets her friends hang with her and her man "F*ck you single bitches!" is how she put it.

2. She never leaves her man unattended with other women. She won't even let a maid clean her house if her husband's there and she's not.

3. She'll do anything her husband wants her to sexually. He calls her the FBIA (Freakiest B*tch in America). She says if she doesn't do what he wants, another b*tch will.

Now in my young and idealistic days I thought this list was a bunch of bullshit. I wrote in my diary that if that was the way he wanted me to conduct himself he was in for a big disappointment. These days I actually think this list is on point.

Most of the women I know would disagree with this whole list. In my experience, women like to live in the land of fairy tales where they think a commitment trumps opportunity and therefore there is no reason not to trust a man alone with a maid or their friends alone with their man. Not me. To paraphrase the God of Relationships, a man is only as faithful as his opportunities. We all know that a man in a committed relationship should be able to resist temptations, but whether he would actually be able to do so is another story. If I was in a relationship and I was worried about my man cheating on me, please believe I would do everything in my power to ensure he would never be alone with a woman who wasn't his mother.

As much as most women disagree with numbers 1 and 2, they are probably shaken to their very foundations by number 3. This is probably the biggest thing women don't understand about men. Women like to refuse to participate in sex acts that they think are nasty because they think it makes men respect them more. In girl-logic, a man will value a "nice" girl over a sexually adventurous one every time. Therefore if their man wants something in the bedroom that she's not willing to give, he'll just roll over and say to himself  "Well relationships are about compromise and she thinks it's nasty so I'll just let it go and be content with the fact that she is a warm, nurturing, intelligent, giving woman". Ladies, I already schooled you on this one but let me tell it to you again - there is always some simple b*tch out there willing to do the blow rim job you won't. So whether you accept it or  not, in his mind he has a pass and he will redeem it in the right set of circumstances.  So ladies I say to you, quite literally, suck it up or suffer the consequences.

What say you ladies and men? Should a woman police her man and bend to his every sexual whim? Or are Mo'Nique and I full of shit?

The Control Freak

I was recently explaining my aversion to sleepovers to a new friend. As I desperately tried to convey the importance of sleeping on a satin pillowcase (and the dearth of said pillowcases at men’s houses) to a man with very little hair, he looked at me and shook his head.  “What you need to do,” he intoned “is stop trying to control everything and just enjoy life”.
I agreed with him but thought to myself, “easier said than done”. See I’m a straight-up control freak and pretty much always have been. I’m that girl who walks around with a huge purse with everything she might ever possibly need in it, because God forbid I get caught out there someday without my Tide to Go stick.
In a relationship, my control-freakiness manifests as a laissez-faire attitude. Sounds contradictory, but by asking nothing of my partner I relinquish no control; I don’t make requests whose outcomes are determined by anyone other than myself. This, I realize, is probably not the right balance of power in a relationship. But what is? And do different types of control weigh more heavily than others?
I was once in an unrelationship in which I controlled the purse-strings.  Being a modern woman but yet no fool, I compensated for this imbalance of power by pretending that it didn’t exist. And basically giving up control of all other aspects of our life together. I know that a man needs to feel like a man and it’s difficult to do this when the woman controls the money, but a man who makes all the rules despite the fact that he doesn’t make the money should feel like a king, right? Wrong. No matter what I did to equalize the balance of power in our relationship, that imbalance was always there and was the demise of our relationship.
But should power and control matter in a relationship?  Maybe not, but some people truly can’t help it. We’ve read enough about control freaks and Type-A personalities to know that some people just can’t relax unless they’re holding the reins of something, whether it be which side of the bed they sleep on or the direction their relationship takes. Is this something we have to squelch in order to have a happy home or is it possible to love someone who feels the need to direct every minute aspect of life?
Maybe I’m naïve, but I believe it is. Endless cynic though I may be, I have hope that there are people out there who can tolerate a control freak but still not be too punkish to be desirable. Or maybe I’m just kidding myself.
What say you readers? 

Is the grass ever greener?

The dearth of romance in relationships is something I touched on in yesterday's post; and judging from the feedback I got, it's a hot topic for a lot of people. A lot of women who read the post called me or emailed me to bemoan the fact that once a man gets comfortable in a relationship, he stops doing the romantic things he did in the beginning. Now I don't know if I necessarily subscribe to one commenter's theory that monogamy=monotony; but I have been around long enough to know that most people in relationships lead with the good foot, so to speak. When we meet someone new we're all about the wooing - whether it's buying flowers and gifts for your lady or feigning interest in your man's favourite sport. But as we become comfortable, going that extra mile seems to become too much effort.

But how we deal with the death of romance is an interesting thing. From my observations of men, it seems that the less appreciated they feel the less effort they put in. If a man tries to do something nice for his lady and he does it wrong she doesn't show adequate appreciation or criticizes his efforts, he's disinclined to try it again. What he will do instead is find another source of that manly feeling he was looking for. And nine times out of ten that source is another woman's pu$$y. He's not necessarily looking to end the relationship, he just taking a little boost from time to time.

But what does a woman do if she feels unappreciated by her man? Well they do a lot of things; cheating is one of them - as much as the ladies want to believe that men are solely responsible for the world's cheating, we do our dirt too. Some women take the "nag and bitch" approach. But far and away the most common reaction for women in this situation seems to be to become fixated on the fantasy that the next man will be better.

Consider this scenario:  a woman in a relationship with a man who doesn't romance her like he used to gets to talking with another man. This might be someone she just met, or an old standby; a friend who has always been there waiting to pounce for her. She confides in him that her man isn't doing what he used to. He starts to give her the talks; "Baby if I was your man I would _____", he betrays the man code by agreeing with her assessment of her man's behaviour. And he starts laying on the compliments. The woman starts thinking that maybe Mr. Next Man is a better match for her and grows even more disillusioned with the current man. Next thing you know, the current man is out and the next man is in. Fast forward three months - the flowers have dried up, the compliments have stopped, and Mr. Next Man spends just as much time playing NBA 2K10 as the last dude did. The woman looks around and asks herself, what happened?

What happened is this: she played herself. She forgot that men are hunters and they cannot resist ripe prey. Is there anything more appealing to a man than the opportunity to steal a next man's woman? Honestly I think they'd try it even if they weren't feeling the girl, just to say they did it.

What is it about us women that makes us forget that the grass is rarely greener? I have to admit that even I have fallen for this trick, and I still don't know why. I guess it's because being wooed is like kryptonite for women. Just as men are powerless to resist free pum pum, women lose their minds over compliments, empty though they may be.

Ladies have you ever fallen for this trick? Men have you ever stolen a woman just because you could? Enlighten me.

Things Women Shouldn’t Say to Men

I don’t usually write response posts, but Slim Jackson’s Things Men Shouldn’t Say to Women  had me howling…and got me thinking. Slim is right on the money with his list, but ladies we need this list even more than men do.

We need to talk

Maybe you do, but that opener is not working for anyone. It just fills a man with dread and makes him want to get away from you as quickly as possible.

How do I look? and Do I look fat in this?

In both cases, what you’re looking for here ladies is less a truthful answer and more something to gas up your heads. Unfortunately, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who will even glance up from the game to look at you before answering, what you’ll get is either a protracted once-over followed by a “Good” or a “No”. Or you’ll get the truth. And you probably won’t like it. So just skip it.

Which one of my friends would you eff?

Why oh why would you ask this? What could you possibly hope to gain from knowing which of your friends stars in your man’s masturbatory fantasies? Just leave it alone ladies. Trust me when I tell you you don’t want to know the answer to this.

My ex used to….

Insert good or bad behaviour here. Telling your man that your ex used to buy you flowers “just because” or saying that he used to have textual relations with other girls and that's why you can’t stop yourself from going through his phone is probably going to lead to an invitation that you go reunite with said ex, since you’re so fixated on him.

My girls say…

I think men have resigned themselves to the fact that women discuss the most minute details of their relationships with their girlfriends. They probably don’t get it or like it, but they accept it. But that doesn’t mean that they are interested in hearing your girlfriends’ co-sign on your latest grievance against your man. Besides which, if the only supporting argument you can come up with is “even my friends think you’re wrong”, your point is probably weak.

You don’t ____ like you used to

The blank can be filled in with things such as compliment me, kiss me hello/goodbye, go down on me, wanna hang out with me, and other such acts. And I’m not saying it isn’t a legitimate complaint. It’s a sad fact of life that the beginning of a relationship is packed with romance and ego-boosting compliments, which quickly fade once he hits it you become comfortable with each other, but I’ve yet to see this tactic achieve the desired results. You’re more likely to be accused of being insecure. Or a nag. Or both.

You love your friends more than you love me

Ladies, men need their men time. You need to get that. The relationship between your man and his boys is sacred and you need to stay outside of it. If you love your man, don’t ask to come along to boy’s night and please oh please don’t ask him to stay home and hold you when he’s supposed to go watch the fight with the fellas. This is a competition you cannot win. Or maybe you can, but it would probably mean your man’s a punk and you don’t want him anyway.
Also, using the phrase "your stupid-ass friends" in any capacity is probably not going to score you any points. They're non-negotiable so just grin and bear it.

Who’s that girl?

Who’s that girl that wrote on your wall on Facebook? That you just nodded to on the street? That you retweeted? That you spoke to at the club? A woman’s need to know the name, rank, and serial number of every female who crosses her man’s path just screams desperation. And psychosis. So please don’t.

Do you know how many other men want me?

We know men thrive on competition, but this is not the move. This is what a girl says when she’s not getting what she wants from a man, but I doubt it ever achieves the desired effect. Any man worth his stones can only respond to this by inviting her to, in the immortal words of Method Man “go find another sucker, yo”.

Did you eff her?

Just as Slim said, this question rarely yields a truthful answer. And if it does, you may not like it. So just leave it alone!

Ladies do you say these things? Think I’m wrong? Men did I miss anything? Drop your wisdom on me in the comments.