Hot Talks

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Those of you who have been paying attention around here should realize three things about me:

1. I like sex
2. I like talking about sex
3. I like to use the dirty words

It should come as no surprise to you then that I really like dirty talk. So much so that I - a woman who refuses to instruct a man on how to give me what I want in the bedroom -  command every man who isn't offering up the smut to give me some hot talks.

In the immortal words the great Luvvie "hot talks give me life!"

I get a fair amount of emails and dm's from female readers asking me for advice about talking dirty to their men; particularly when it comes to dirty texting or dirty gchatting. It seems a lot of ladies out there are shy about it. The short version of my advice to them is basically this: get over yourself. You might feel silly texting your man saying "I want your c*** in my p***" but please believe he does not feel silly reading it unless he's a panty meat. In my opinion all you have to do to succeed at hot talks is to let your dirty mind drift and take homeboy along for the ride.

But for those of you who are still a little nervous about it, here are some tips to release your inner hot talks:

1. Ask Questions

In or out of the bedroom, questions are a win for novice dirty talkers. It is also the #swindle a man will use to lead you into a hot talk without your knowledge but that's another post for another day. If you want to break out the dirty talks while you're getting your thronx on, try questions like this:

Beginner: Do you like the way it feels when I ___ your ____?
Advanced: Whose d*** is this?!?

2. Flattery will get you everywhere

One of the greatest things about men is how much they are driven by their egos. Therfore, playing to their conceit will almost always work. Any woman's magazine worth the paper its printed on will tell you that compliments always win with a man and hot talk time is no exception. Try one of these on for size:

Beginner: You're so sexy
Intermediate: I love it when you ____ my ____
Advanced: I f****** love your huge d***

3. Give Orders

Now ladies, never before and never again will you see me sanctioning you ordering your man around so please take note of this. Said to the right dude in the right tone, a command is a win. When you start bossing your man around the bedroom he'll either be so turned on that his normally meek woman has gone all dominatrix on him that he'll be like a greedy kid in a candy store, or he'll be so appalled that you dared give him orders that he'll work overtime to remind you that he's running the show.

These are both really, really good things.

Try these on for size:

Beginner: Come over
Intermediate: Come over here and ride me hard

Advanced: F*** me

5. When it doubt, just curse

If you're really at a loss for words, just throw out an ecstatic "Oh fuck", "oh shit", or "oh God". This will tide you over until you come up with something truly raunchy to hurry him along so you can get to sleep knock his socks off.

6. Bold Declarations

Similar to giving orders, making bold statements can get you and your man revved up nicely and with a quickness. The thing is though - you have to be able to back it up. You can't be texting your man talking about I'll do things to you Vanessa Del Rio would be shamed to do and then once you get to his place you're complaining about your jaw hurts. That's a fail and you deserve a lifetime of celibacy as punishment. But if you're sure you got the goods to back it up, try writing a cheque that your man is gonna do his damndest to cash.

My beginner and intermediate ladies might want to skip this one. For my advanced ladies, I've had a lot of success with saying try something like "If I put my mouth on your c*** you will fall in love with me".

That usually sparks their interest.

How do you guys feel about hot talks? Ladies are you shy? Men - any of you choose not to participate? And since Fridays are for over-sharing, tell me what the hottest thing anyone ever said to you was....

Very Bad Things

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Those of you who follow me on twitter should be well aware by now of my fixation with the Fed Ex man who delivers to my office. Any day that my stalking efforts pay off and I have the good fortune to run into him is a beautiful day and it’s not uncommon to see me tweet something along the lines of “I want the Fed Ex guy to do very bad things to me”.

For some reason, I can’t just appreciate his beauty or enjoy the witty banter we exchange in the elevator. It’s not even enough for me to say I have to have him. He’s in a whole other category of attractiveness that is almost dangerous.

My fixation on Mr. Fed Ex during my daily nail-painting sessions has led me to the realization that the men who light a fire in my groin catch my eye tend to fall into different categories. Generally speaking if I'm lusting after someone he is inspiring one of the following thoughts:

1. I want to get naked with him

At some point in life I think I wrote about the fact that if I’m interested in a man I picture him naked. This is the category he will graduate to if I like what I see in the mental picture. I’m attracted, I want to show him my lady parts, but I’m not losing too much sleep over it. These are the if it happens it happens kind of guys.

2. I want to hear him snore

If I catch myself wondering what a guy’s feet look like (rather than other much more important body parts I could be picturing), what he likes to eat for breakfast, or whether he snores it’s like a big DANGER! sign flashing in my brain. These are the men that I both lust after and genuinely like, and they must be snuffed off the face of the earth immediately before I catch feelings and have to turn in my player’s card.

3. I want him to make me question my morals

This is the holy grail of attractiveness and a man usually reaches this status by being really sexy, really smart, or really dirty. They don’t come around very often, but when they do, these men cloud my judgment in dangerous ways. A man in this category could get a coochie shot even though I am against them and he might even rate a sleepover, if for no other reason than he’s had his way with me and left my clothes in shreds.

Is it just me, or is this attractiveness-classification that my ladyflower brain automatically conducts a little odd? Am I the only one who does this? What categories do you put the objects of your lust in? Speak on it in the comments.

Cunnilingus 101

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In the weeks since I wrote my post on not wanting a man to um, eat at my table, I’ve had a lot of men eat my pussy extoll the virtues of their muff-diving techniques. This has led to me to two important conclusions; there are a lot of men out there whose head skills are lacking, and the reason I'm not that into it is that I haven't had enough good top.

And because the purpose of this blog is to instigate educate as much as it is to entertain, today I'm schooling my dudes on the proper way to nyam.

Now before you decide to forge a union between your mouth and her honey pot, please commit the following guidelines to memory:

1. Don't bite, don't blow into her, and for the love of Nasty Fridays please do not spit into her. I mean seriously - who does that?

2. The scratch & sniff is imperative. Once you're down there you are not allowed to complain about smell, taste, or excessive wetness. So please make sure you vetted the fruit before you declared it edible. If you failed to do your due diligence beforehand, you’re shit out of luck.

Oh and by the way – you are also not allowed to take breaks to brush your teeth or gargle with Listerine because you “need to get that taste out of your mouth”. That’s effing rank.

3. Be into it. A lot of girls are self-conscious about their ladyparts and will get tense when you go in for your close-up. If you make her feel like her flower is the best thing you’ve seen, smelled, or tasted, everyone’s gonna have a good time.

Alright. Let’s get into the nitty gritty of eating the clitty.

1. A good lead up is great

This applies to everyone, but it’s especially helpful for my friends who are not 100% confident in their skills. The best thing you can do for yourself is to whip your girl into a frenzy of anticipation. That way, by the time you make the first stroke of the tongue she’ll be so relieved it will take her a good 5-10 minutes before she realizes your head game is weak. So before you go for the gold, start by breathing gently over the puss. Kiss her thighs. Run your tongue along them near the sweetspot without actually touching it. You get the idea right? It’s the everything but approach. If you do this properly she will be thrusting the ladyflower at your face begging you to sniff it. And that’s always a good thing.

One caveat here though – don’t drag this on too long or you’ll anger her. As a wise man once told me “you got to tease but don’t play”.

2. Go easy on the clit

Gentlemen, lean in and read this closely: the clitty is a sensitive thing. There’s like 9,999,999,999 nerve endings in that bitch alright? Tread lightly because too much pressure, suction, or friction will turn the lake into a desert if you know what I mean. Handle it with care.

3. Pay attention to your surroundings

If you want the title of master of cunnilingus, you’ve got to get at the surrounding area. Start from the clit and work it all the way back to her ass (And get in there if you’re bad – I already schooled you on the beauty of the tossed salad). Make sure you’re not putting all your attention on the clit, the lips and the hole need love too.

4. Get it in

Speaking of the hole, did you know that the majority of the vagina’s nerve endings are around or just inside the opening? I know my small-penis dudes know this This means they should be just in reach of your tongue. And trust me, a tongue in the hole is a good look. A great look if you ever plan to go down on me.

3. Learn the art of communication

Like my homeboy @Nickel_Slikk said, the number one key to succeeding at top is to pay attention to verbal instructions and non-verbal signs. Some women are going to tell you in explicit detail what to put where, when, and for how long. Please listen to her if you want her to have a good time. But with other women, your only way to know you’re winning or losing is by listening to her breathing, the noises she’s making, and her overall body language. So please take a moment to “survey the scene and see what’s good” (copyright @DrJayJack) if you want to show her a good time.

5. A little suck does a lotta good

Now I know I told you to tread lightly with the clitoris and that’s true. But I don’t want you to fear it. When handled with care, the sensitivity of the little clitty can be your greatest ally. A well-timed and delicately-administered clit suck can elevate you to God of Pussy Eating status…and what man doesn’t want that?

Okay those are the basic tips. But I do have some advanced techniques for those of you who are looking to have her strung out on your ish:

1. Try a new position

No woman is going to throw you out of bed for using the classic she lies down, you get between her legs position but try this on for size:

Hold her upside down in front of you. Keep her head and shoulders resting on the bed with her back resting against your stomach and chest. Because you’re holding her, she won’t be bearing all the pressure on the back of her neck. Have her wrap her legs around your head and lock her feet behind your neck. Wrap your arms around her stomach and then simply lower your face to the puss. This is beautiful because she gets the pleasure of oral plus the head rush of being upside down.

FYI you need to be in shape to pull this off so it’s strictly for live men. For my freshmen who are looking to switch it up, just have her sit on your face.

2. Go for the G

While you’ve got your mouth down there, use your fingers or a toy to get at her G spot. She might squirt in your mouth, but she’ll love you for life.

3. Heat it up…or cool it down

Warming or cooling elements in your mouth while you’re down there can add a little extra thrill to the experience and dilute the taste of pussyjuice for the squeamish. Pop an Altoid, get you some Dentyne Fire, or go for a stimulating lube that adds a little zip but won't poison you.

4. Try this trick – the tongue tube

If you were genetically blessed with the ability to roll your tongue into a tube, why not make a clit sandwich? Roll your tongue around her little bud and then slide it up and down until she explodes. Thank me later.

And this concludes Cunnilingus 101 with Professor Max. I hope you’re all ready for the exam. It’s oral of course. Hahaha.

What are your top tips for good carpet munching? Ladies did I leave anything out? And men – I’m looking for someone who has successfully pulled off the upside-down head position…if you’ve done this, get at me because I have a birthday coming and that would make a great gift. It’s Friday – over-share in the comments.

Reckless Talk

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In this day and age of casual sex, unrelationships, and random hook-ups, the need to keep our business quiet is greater than ever. Twitter, Facebook, and the always-watching streets can blow up your spot in an instant if you’re not careful. And while it’s one thing for us to do dirt, it’s quite another thing to have the whole world know about it.

The obvious solution of course is to hold down the information that you don’t want spread; whether it’s your own dirt or someone else’s. So if your bestie confided in you that she swallowed the seeds of her ex’s ace-boon-coon, you just put that info in the same vault that houses that time you got a little tipsy and went muff-diving with your college roommate. You just lock those little secrets up and throw away the key and your secrets are safe forever, right? Wrong.

Keeping secrets is all well and good, but it is possible to blow up a spot without spilling a secret, and that is by talking reckless.  Reckless talk is basically the “everything but” of secret-keeping; you’re not coming out and spilling; but you’re dancing as closely to it as possible and it’s a real problem; especially because a lot of people don’t know they’re doing it.

Not sure whether you’ve ever been guilty of reckless talk? Check out the top four sins of the reckless talker:

1. Veiled hints, random jokes and “subtle” digs

This is a pretty common way to recklessly reveal a secret; but it’s used more often by the trusted confidante of the dirt-doer than by the dirt-doer himself. This is the signature move of frenemies. 

Say for example you slammed the man your good-good-girlfriend has been lusting after for years and were dumb enough to confide in her about it. Then the next time you are all out together she starts dropping hints, cracking jokes, and making little sarcastic comments. You’re looking at her extra sideways like – are you trying to bait me out?  Yep she is.

2. Bringing inside jokes outside

I have uncovered more than one twitter hook up romance just by watching the “private” jokes fly back and forth between tweeters. Yeah that little bit you guys do about where you call him "Ron" and he calls you "Freddie" may seem like an unbreakable code when your brain has been addled by lust, but it only took me 0.02 seconds to get the reference and conclude that you're playing hide the banana, so you may want to save that for pillow talk.

3. Suspect tweets

Let’s say one of my favourite bloggers is visiting my city for a long weekend. We make plans to hang out and it turns into a hook-up. We decide to just keep it between us and not tell anyone. But the next thing you know I’m on twitter talking about “The bed in @streetztalk’s hotel room is really comfortable”. That’s reckless talk and it deserves a hard slap.

4. Offering of extraneous information

This is another one that is most often perpetrated by an innocent party rather than the person trying to keep secrets. Let me give you an example of what it looks like:

One night a mostly platonic male friend and I were out at a party. We bumped into an old acquaintance of his and he stopped to chat. After a few minutes she says something along the lines of "Oh is this your girlfriend? I'm so excited to finally meet you! I can't believe you guys have been together for almost 10 years and this is the first time I'm seeing you".

Reckless talk! What if I was the jump-off or the next side piece? That woman and her lose lips would have effed the whole flex up for him. There is no need for anyone to be offering up all that information unprompted...that's just reckless.

I’m sure that at least one of you is going to say that there’s no reason to be concerned about reckless talk if you’re not doing anything wrong and I guess that is partly true. At the same time, the same way that you wouldn’t come out and tell the world the name, rank, and serial number of the last dude that visited your honey box is the same way you don’t need to subtly allude to the identity of the last woman who choked on your seeds. There are a lot of people out there who just go around looking for clues so they can gather dirt on people. Govern yourself accordingly.

What about you guys? Have you ever been exposed by a reckless talker? Ever blown up your own spot with reckless talk? Speak on it in the comments.

Sending Your Coochie Through the Mail

With all the talk we've been doing about thirst these days (see this and this if you need to get caught up) I thought it might be a good idea to devote this week's nasty Friday to a cause very near and dear to my heart...the implications of sending your coochie through the mail. Also known as a thirsty trick's signature move.

Now I warned you ladies a while back about what happens when you send c-u-next tuesday shots to the wrong dude. If you weren't paying attention, let me say this:. no woman has ever sent me a picture of her downthere, yet I have seen a lot of pussy shots in my life. You do the math because we all know I can't.

That being said, even I can't deny that a coochie shot will get a man's attention pretty quickly. Whether it's the right kind of attention is a different post for a different day. So if you're going to go ahead and send your man a special gift, please take note of the following guidelines.

1. Strictly for live men, not for freshmen 

All of which is to say that a coochie shot is ultra, ultra, ultra VIP status. More than head, more than anal, more than tossed salads; this is for special people only. Vag shots are not business cards; do not print them by the hundreds and distribute to anyone who expresses a passing interest. I beg you.

1. Give a man a little warning nah?

Now I shouldn't have to tell you this. I really should not. But if you are emailing a picture of your ladyflower to someone; please choose a descriptive subject line or throw in a NSFW. Unless you're comfortable with the idea that anyone could be peering over his shoulder when he opens the attachment; in which case you have issues.

Oh - and a note about attachments; learn the word re-size please ladies. The picture does not have to be life-sized, okay?

2. Photoshop is your friend

We are not all Kwesi Abbensetts. Our pictures - especially taken ourselves with sub-standard cameras - will not always look so cute. Please familiarize yourself with filters on Photoshop...a little sepia or soft-focus will do your cooch a lot of favours.

3. You can't take it back

Now a true gentleman will receive your pictures, look at them fondly, and then delete them before anything happens to them. But you and I know there is a dearth of gentleman in this world so please remember this: once you send that picture you really have no control over what happens to it. There is no undo. And there is no un-seeing what we already saw. So when if he shows it to his friends, all the yelling in the world won't change a thing. And when if he dumps you for the regular chick down the road, blowing him up with demands that he delete all the pictures is not gonna do you any good.

4. Please groom yourself

Now you guys know I rate a bushy snatch, but please make sure you've done some grooming on your shit before you start sending pics out. An ungroomed pu$$y is not sexy.

5. No Face

I shouldn't have to tell you this. No really - I should not have to tell you this. But I'm gonna tell you this: do not put your face in that picture. Just trust me on this.

And just let me stress to you one last time how much I urge you not to do this.

So ladies, what do you think? Would you/have you sent your coochie through the mail? What are your rules about it? Men - I don't even know what to ask you about this but you've been quiet around here lately so say your piece in the comments.

Who Doesn't Masturbate?!? (a collabo post)

Time's running out for Black Weblog Awards nominations...get your instructions over here.

If you guys have been paying attention around here, you know two things: first, that I'm a highly sexed girl and second that I'm on a celibacy kick. And if you guys are as smart as I believe you are, you already know that horny + celibacy = excessive masturbation. Now I know that how and when and why we masturbate should be an intensely personal thing. But as you know, Fridays are for over-sharing around here so let's talk, shall we?

Anyone who follows me on twitter has seen me tweet about going to paint my nails pretty much every night. Now my nails are nice, but they don't require that much upkeep. See "painting my nails" is a handy little euphemism for masturbating that I picked up from the wildly inappropriate lovely and talented @RealTalkSuki.  So yeah - there's a fair amount of choking of chickens and spanking of sheep going on at casa maxfab...and I'm not embarrassed about at all. Masturbation is a beautiful thing; a healthy thing. It makes everything from a headache to a broken toe feel better. It wakes you up when you're sleepy and calms you down when you're hyper. Yes I love myself at least once a day and I think you all should too.

As a matter of fact, I don't trust people who don't masturbate. I think it's weird. Actually - let's be real here. I think people who don't masturbate have issues. I'm sorry but it just doesn't make sense to me. I mean really - we all agree that nothing feels better than an orgasm, right? So if you have the ability to give yourself one whenever and wherever you want, why on earth would you deny yourself that pleasure? That doesn't make sense.

Until fairly recently, I thought that people who don't masturbate were either liars or severely arthritic. Until I realized that I have a real-live non-masturbater in my very own circle of girlfriends. Honestly if I didn't like her so much I would have cut her off dead for that. Imagine my astonishment. This girl - a talented writer, a most hilarious tweeter, and a dear and loving friend...does not masturbate. Like - ever.

The shit baffles my mind so much I had no choice but to bring her on here to explain herself. Here she is Ms Non-Masturbation, Nick:

My girl max thinks I'm crazy and I'm sure she's got people behind her ready to say the same thing. I'm ready to hear the explanations, but hear me out first.

 

Please understand, I'm not trying to convert those that "polish themselves off" (I don't think I could) weekly (or even daily) but I'm saying...I.JUST.DON'T.GET IT... I don't understand the big deal about masturbation. I mean I get the basic gist of it, but it doesn't DO anything for me. It takes away all of the guesswork. Half the fun of foreplay (and chex) for me is the guessing. I like not knowing what's coming next. I'm playing a little game of "which way's he going?" in my head. "Left, left left, OH SNAP, he went RIGHT!" I can't get that guesswork if it's my hand that's dealing with me. You see, somewhere along the lines, my brain sent a message to my hand saying which way to move, and I'm fully aware of which way I'm about to go. There's no element of surprise, no "Ta Daaa!" and for me, that doesn't make much sense. *Kanye shrug* I need something to keep me on my toes. And yes, i realize that i need to "know my body" (and other things people say) in order to fully know how to be pleased. But I just don't see it.

  I don't like teasing myself. I'm very much a person that's "don't tell me what you're gonna do, come over and do it!"  Teasing does nothing but get me annoyed. I don't have this buildup of hormones that needs to be released. When I'm not having chex, that's just it, I'm not having chex. I don't think about it, and it's off my mind. Touching myself is a recipe for no finale.. and I don't LIKE when there's no finale. I'm not close-minded to it, I just haven't seen where it helps me. I CAN say that a good gchat session can get me randy, but then what am I supposed to do with that "Rand?" I don't want the startup if there's gonna be no knock on my door. No phone call to say he's on the way. I can't wrap my mind around it. Not only that, but what do I get off to when it's not a gchat session or phone call that's got me heated? Close my eyes and imagine? Sorry, my mind is not that way inclined. I'd rather just feel the heat from a warm body. It need to be interactive. Action and reaction. Action: you touch me there. Reaction: it gets poppin like FISH GREASE!! And that's that...

Yeah yeah yeah the shit still doesn't compute to me. But you guys weigh in here - are you team bang the bishop or team repression save it for your partner? Choose your side in the comments.

Who Told You to Have Feelings (Throwback Tuesdays)

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?

Observe this conversation between fcuk buddies:

Girl: So can I come over tonight?
Boy: Nah, sorry I'm booked.
Girl: You're booked? What does that mean?
Boy: I mean I already have plans. Sorry.
Girl: Oh with another girl? Oh so it's like that then? Okay fine. Have fun. Talk to you later.
Boy: (confused) okay, um, bye.

Two days later...

Girl: You know you really hurt my feelings the other day...
Boy: (no memory of the above conversation) I did, how?
Girl: When I said I wanted to come over and you said you were booked.
Boy: *stupefied silence*

Ladies, I'm going after you today. You're wrong in three ways on this one:

1. Use of the phrase “another girl”

This implies that you thought you thought that you were the only girl. And the very fact that you are on fcuk buddy status with this dude should tell you that that is not the case. In fact, more times than not, you are the “other” girl.

2. Being Passive Aggressive

Saying “Okay fine. Have fun then” in a pissy tone of voice is a classic girl move that does not work. When men are in situations like this, they hear words, not inflections and not the feelings behind them. So if you're saying '”have fun” he's hearing “have fun” and moving on with his life. And you know you're pissed and you don't want him to have fun so why not try saying what's on your mind? I told you before, men are not mind readers. If you're disappointed that you can't get together then say something and maybe you guys can work something out.

3. Using the “F” word

“You hurt my feelings'”? Girl, you are out of bounds here. Who told you feelings were allowed in a fuck buddy relationship? A fuck buddy relationship by definition is a casual, non-exclusive, no-strings attached type of deal. If you're getting your feelings hurt because dude has plans with another girl, you're obviously not built for this type of thing and you need to keep it moving.

In my opinion, 99% of girls in the world are not built for casual sex. Not because they catch feelings (although you're wrong for doing it) but because they seem to think that the dude should care about said feelings. Ladies, if he wanted to care about your feelings you'd be wifey, not jump-off. So please either keep them to yourself or recognize your limitations and stick to feelings-friendly zones like relationships.

That’s my rant for today, but what say you dear readers? Are feelings okay in a fcuk-buddy relationship or should they be checked at the door with inhibitions? Have you ever been the girl or boy in this scenario? Discuss.

How to Hook Up

Time's ticking...have you nominated me for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

If there is one thing I've learned from observing mating habits, it's that most women are incapable of separating their feelings from sex. So it should come as no surprise that the number one question I'm asked by readers and randoms alike is how to hook up with someone without feeling like a big whore-bag afterward.  Personally, I can't see any reason why a gal would feel anything but fabulous after a hook-up, but who am I to judge those lightweights among us who still have feelings? Now I don't want to give you the correct impression that I engage in a lot of hook ups, but I do have a few tips and tricks for the ladies who tend to get caught up.

So without further ado, here are my top tips for pulling off a successful hook up: 

1. Bring no one 

Yeah - I thought this was a no-brainer too. But you'd be surprised if you knew how many times I've been told a story of a hook up that included the line "...so my friend and I went over there....".

Um...sorry what now?

Ladies, there is only one reason for you to bring a friend to a hook up: you're planning on having a three-way. Otherwise lose the dead weight and go get yours. Don't give me any sh*t about bringing your friend there "for safety" or any of that poppycock. Be a big girl and text your friend that dude's vitals so if you do turn up dead she knows where to find him. Then send her off to find her own sugar. Because please believe there are some best friends out there who are tagging along with you to your hookup's spot for no other reason than to make sure you don't get any. Celibacy loves company.

2. No Talking

Now this isn't meant to imply that you can't engage in a little pre- and post-coital chit chat, but please remember that this is a hook up, not a therapy session. Check your problems at the door please. Your fight with your bestie is of zero interest to this dude right now. Go find you a substitute dude to listen to that. And please, oh please, do not try to talk to him about how he feels about the hook up or where he thinks the hook up will lead.   

2. Tell no one

In this case, I would say that the definition of "no one" is a little fluid. It's one thing to give play-by-plays and length/girth measurements confide in your sister or your bestie, it's quite another thing to broadcast your hook up from the mountain tops. It's normal to get a little post-sex hyper but try and hold things down okay?

3.  Beware the warm and fuzzies

This is where a lot of women get #swindled. Because women like to read something into every minute action undertaken by a man on our radar, they (yes I am dissociating myself from you right now) have a tendency to assign huge meaning to commonplace actions. Ladies, basic manners such as bringing you a drink of water or a towel to wipe off the seeds, offering you cab fare home, or participating in minimal cuddling should not be misconstrued as evidence that he wants anything more from you than another serving of what he just got.

4. Don't Assume... 

Don't assume that a bone is equal to an invitation to spend the night. Don't assume that the hook up with you is so mind-blowing that he won't be hooking up with someone else tomorrow night. (And if he does, don't assume that last night's hook up gives you license to go psycho-bitch on him). Don't assume that your sexual hook up will translate into a free-stuff hook up (this is a shout out to my ladies who hook up with a promoter and then get mad when they have to pay cover to get into his parties).

5. Accept it for what it is

A hook up does not have magical powers. It can cure a lot of ills, but it's not going to catapult you to wifey status, nor will it lessen the burn of baby fever if that's your issue. So please manage your expectations. The only guarantee in a properly-executed hook up is that you will get your rocks off. And that's a beautiful thing, isn't it?


But what do you guys think? Will these rules help to make a hook up an enjoyable experience for all or should we just go with the flow? Do you have hook up rules of your own? I know you do - you guys always school me on the list posts.

First Time Fail

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

So when we last talked about first time sex, we stopped before it started. You'd met him. You'd charmed him.  Tweeted, texted, and talked. You went on the requisite number of dates. And then the big day came. He came over and ya'll boned.  And it was weak sauce. What now?

A reader recently asked me to give some tips on how to recover from the first-time flop. It was a difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around because I'm a total sex is like pizza girl. So as usual I took it to the internets in the form of a poll. I asked "Can you recover from bad first-time sex? How?" What I got was a whole bunch of "nope"s.

Apparently for everyone I know, a bad first-time slam is a dealbreaker. As one of my twitterpeeps put it, it's like a job interview....if you don't do well you're obviously not suitable for the position. That's it. No second chances, no do-overs. One shot and you're out.

Now I love pipe more than as much as the next girl, but to me this is just crazy talk. You're gonna throw out a perfectly decent man for one bad thronx? Well then give him my number! That's not very smart. So if you're like me and you want to try to overcome a first-time flopshow, here are my 3 tips.

1. Get back on the horse...like, immediately.

This tip comes courtesy of my girl Skye of MetAnotherFrog.com. Rather than each player sitting around stewing over the loss, have a re-match as soon as possible. You'll both have something to prove, some of the first-time awkwardness may have diminished, and you never know what might come.

2. Read the signs

Now this is something you should always be doing; but when you're in recovery mode it might be extra helpful. Watch and listen closely to what your partner says and does; how they respond various stimuli. For example, if a man spanks me playfully outside of the bedroom and he's watching closely, he'll see a look of delight light up my eyes quickly before I laugh and push him away. That's a sign that it would probably be okay in the bedroom. Or tell him stories about things you've "heard" and guage his reaction. Like "oh I was just reading about this really interesting thing called the Cincinatti Bowtie. It's when you...." if he contorts his face in horror then you know to tread lightly when it comes to that kind of stuff. If he starts extolling the virtues of this technique, you know to run for the hills something about him too.


3. If all else fails, talk about it

This scenario presupposes that you and your partner have taken some time before you hopped in the sack, so by now you've probably built up some kind of rapport. You know each other at least a little bit and you should be able to sit down and have a grownup conversation about sex. I have no tips for you as to what to say or when to say it, but this seems like it would work.

What do you guys think? Do you throw back a partner if the first time is a flop? Or are you willing to work at finding a solution? Do you have any tips for overcoming the first time #fail? Educate us all in the comments.

Your 101 Guide to Head

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

If there is one truth to life as a single woman, it is this: into every girl's mouth a penis must eventually be placed. Whether you're a special-occasion kinda gal who fails at life only brings out the blow jobs on birthdays and anniversaries or a human vacuum who is never happier than when she has something to suck on, you can't really get through singledom without giving a little head.

But it can be a pretty daunting thing sometimes, can't it? Putting aside the issue of hygiene and possibly having to ingest something that tastes like warm salty laundry detergent, figuring out how to give your guy a good head job can be confusing as sh*t if you don't know what you're doing. Or if you didn't have me to tell you. Luckily you do so here it is: a 101 Guide to Giving Head

1. Be enthusiastic...or at least seem like it

There is no point to being down there if you're gonna be mad about it. If you can't summon the enthusiasm on your own, just conjure up your favourite porn star and throw out a few well-timed moans. This makes your man feel like his penis is the best thing to hit your mouth since your last piece of chocolate, and a man who is getting head is dumb enough to believe that might be true. If that isn't enough to get you turned on, you might try thinking about it in terms of power; you are never more in control of your man than when you have his brain in your mouth. Whatever spin you have to take, be happy you're down there or don't bother going.

2. No teeth...unless they ask for it

99.9% of men are going to tell you they don't want to feel your teeth on their piece. Even if you're not biting it, the first little graze they feel is going to make him freak out and go soft and then you'll have to work overtime to restore the bone. So do him a favour and save yourself the extra work by keeping your teeth well away from his peen.

3.Don't ignore the balls...if for no other reason than to give yourself a break

Here's the thing about balls: men really like it when you put them in your mouth. Sound disgusting? Well, it kinda is but here's the other great thing about balls: they're a lot easier to suck on than a penis. So when your jaw starts to get tired, a quick trip down to the sack region makes it all okay.

4. Don't rule out swallowing

I know, I know it's nasty. But they really, really like it. So do your best. Unless it will make you vomit, in which case you can skip it and just let him shoot his wad on your face instead.

5. Make it look good

Realistically, has any man ever complained about getting head because she didn't make it look good? Probably not, so this is for my advance ladies or those of you who are gunning for an engagement ring have some kind of compelling reason to make a really good impression. If you want to go that extra mile, consider the esthetics of the thing. Watch some porn and see how good those ladies look while they're giving head, and then try to emulate that in real life.

6. Establish a rhythm

You know when you're in bed with a dude and he's doing something that is winning? And you say "keep doing exactly that" or "don't stop", which causes him to immediately stop, change pace, or otherwise eff up the wave you were riding? It sucks right? Yeah same thing applies here. Don't jump wildly from one technique to the next with no rhyme or reason. It confuses them and just makes your job longer.

7. A whole lotta spit

The penis is a delicate thing and if you're gonna be rubbing and tugging on it you want to make sure it feels nice. Dry dicks don't feel nice. So make sure you lube that sucker up good. I'm not suggesting you hawk one on him like they do in the pornos (unless you're into that) but make sure the area is well-lubricated.

Ladies did I miss anything? Men what do you think of my tips? And let me send a special shout out to my all-time favourite reader who provided invaluable insight into this post.

Good F*cking Morning

Shout-out to @HoneyMatthews for suggesting this post.

For years I have bemoaned the fact that I had never had morning sex. Especially considering I spent three years in a living hell cohabiting with a dude. Then I had it and I was like, is that all there is? Not that the sex was bad - you guys know I don't think there's such a thing as bad sex - but I just didn't see how it was any better than night time sex. Except that my little brain was working overtime thinking about how soon I had to be at work. Then there was the added injury of having to endure a sleepover in order to get said morning sex; and you guys remember how I feel about sleepovers, don't you?

Anyway, after that encounter I crossed morning sex off my list and proceeded to live my life with no intention of revisiting it. But it nagged me; how could I, a true devotee of the pipe and the ultimate morning person, not enjoy morning pipe? It just seemed wrong. I knew I must be missing something. So I did my usual Twitterpoll to find out if anyone had anything interesting to say about morning sex. They didn't. Then I hit the #2 most reliable source of information and found out all kinds of interesting things about morning sex.

Such as:

1. People who start their days by having sex are all-around healthier and happier than those who don't.

Apparently morning sex releases oxytocin, which makes couples feel loving and bonded all day long. And apparently that's a good thing.

2. A man's body is hardwired to want sex first thing in the morning

This explains the phenomenon of morning wood. Evidently while your man is snoring like a band saw and sucking up all the oxygen in the room sleeping, he is accumulating the testosterone he will use for the next day. From the time he wakes up, he has a three-hour window when he's brimming with peak levels of it. So I guess this means the morning boner is the best boner and it would be wasteful not to get on it.

And my personal favourite:

3. According to scientists at the University of Pennsylvania, a man's musky underarm odor is a proven libido booster.

Therfore snuggling up to your man as soon as you wake up will get your motor running extra hard as a result of his natural funk scent. This actually makes a lot of sense to me.
(Source for all) 

Kinda makes me want to give it another go. As soon as I figure out how to bifurcate sleepovers and morning sex that is...

But what do you guys think of morning sex? Is it any different or better than sex at any other time of the day? Am I missing something? Educate me!

Older Women 101

A while back I wrote about the allure of the younger man. At that time, I hadn't  played in the sandbox experienced the phenomenon and wondered whether there were any drawbacks to getting involved with a young buck. Now after knocking back a few a bit more research, I know the answer is yes. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still in favour of  the younger guy. I still think they bring the freshness and most women in their 30's need that. But, being young, they also need a little guidance when it comes to dealing with grown ups. What's cute and charming to a 25 year-old girl makes a 35 year-old stabby.

So without further ado, I give you Older Women 101: A Guide for Young Bucks (Don't you just love the term "young buck"?)

1. Time is money and outta sight, outta mind.

Two things I've noticed heard about younger guys: They're perpetually late and they disappear for weeks on end. Neither of these are cute and both must stop immediately. If I say come over at 7 and you show up at 9, I will be sleeping (my Twitter people can attest to this). And no I'm not going to wake up for you; don't you know that in your 30's sleep trumps sex? At least on weekdays.  

Similar to this, if we hook up on a day when there's snow on the ground and I don't hear from you again until my lilac tree is blooming, you have lost your place in my rotation. A drift-off is not a good look for any man, but for a young dude there is no recovering from this.

2. We're not gonna work for it

The whole point of getting with younger dudes is that they are easier to deal with than men our own age. You call when you say you're going to. You have time (or make time) for us. You are free with compliments. We're supposed to get from you that which your older counterparts withhold. So don't try to make me sweat you. What for? I'm too old to work for c*ck.

3. Hey how you doing just means hey how you doing

Don't get all shook just because your older girl extended some common courtesy to you. Offering you a beverage or a meal, texting to ask how your big day went, or offering to give you a ride somewhere are not signs that she's trying to be wifed. She's just being mannerly.

4. We don't (always) do sleepovers

Older women are particular about their shit. We don't want to sleep on your low-thread-count sheets or wash our faces with your hard water. We don't want to drink our morning OJ in a mug because you have no clean glasses. Just let us go home after the main event if that's what we want to do.

5. We don't care about your other girls

If you're spending time with an older woman and she asks you about your other women, she's not jealous. She's concerned about two things: your hygeine and your drama quotient. We're not trying to lock you down so there is no reason to lie. Or to get all freaked out and disappear for weeks on end.

Am I being a bit unfair here? Probably. But to me, the whole point of the arrangement is to achieve the zipless fuck. Easy, no strings, no muss, no fuss. So why you young bucks must muss and fuss it up with your bullshit is beyond me. But stop it right now before I put your ass in the naughty corner.

But what do you guys think? Ladies do you hold younger men to a higher standard than men your own age? Men are you willing to work harder for an older woman?

A Throwback Post - Why I Don't Date White Guys

Sorry guys - it's been one of those weeks. But here's another oldie but goodie for you.

Years ago when I was in school I had these two friends Adam and Cory. They were the kind of white guys I hate now...loved hip hop and thought that made them "down", called each other "bro", you know the type. I really only tolerated them because Adam was kinda cute.

Anyway, these dudes were responsible for the only two experiences I’ve ever had with white guys - which is amazing if you consider that I grew up in London Ontario. One was the fabulous Bobby who kissed me for the first time in his parents' bathroom next to the Elvis clock and with whom I got down 'n dirty in his jeep on the grounds of Brescia College - where the nuns live in London.

I know - I was scandalous.

Anyway, the other we'll call JP. And JP was, well, straight up whiter than the whitest white man. Let’s take a look:

He was from PEI
He played hockey
He had some kind of mullet

But ole JP had two things going for him: he was adorable and he was riding my jock hard. So yeah I let him take me out a couple of times and yes I went home with him one night. 

We lay on his bed and it was lovely. Oh, so lovely. Until JP had um, an equipment malfunction?

"Poor thing" I thought. Because as embarrassed as I was, I knew he had to be absolutely mortified. "I’m sorry!" he nearly sobbed. "I’m so sorry!" "It’s okay" I murmured encouragingly. I really felt bad for him. Until this:

"I’m so upset! I waited my whole life to be with a black girl and here you are and look!"(gesturing southward)

Um, yeah. so not only have you wasted my time, and left me with blue "balls", but you thought it was a good idea to tell me I’m the living manifestation of some massa-mammy fantasy you've been harbouring?!?

I was not impressed. But not wanting to kick a "man" when he's down (literally), I calmly got up and left, not letting on just how much I wanted to smack his pasty face. 

but then
but THEN
but then he never called me!

The No-Cry Zone

As a woman who is blessed with many male friends, I hear a lot of stories about sex. First-time sex in particular. And lately I've noticed an alarming trend among these stories. Far too many of them end with "and then she started crying". Yep. They start crying. It seems women all over the world city are meeting men in clubs, at brunch, online, going home and f*cking them, and then crying talking about they've never done this before and they're not that kind of girl.

Oh ladies - I have such a bone to pick with you. You cannot do this. You simply cannot. First of all, there is only one reason to cry during sex. That is when the shit is so good that you just spontaneously burst into tears (Sidebar: has this ever happened to you? It's amazing). That's the only reason it's ever okay to cry during sex. Period.

Second, if you're going to start crying during sex because you're so consumed with worry that the man won't respect you afterward, at least have the decency to make up a lie when he asks you why you're crying. If you're scrambling for a good line, try "the shit was so good I just spontaneously burst into tears". Men love that.

Third, if you meet a man and go home with him that same night and f*ck him, you are that kind of girl. There's no equivocation about that. You need to accept it and own it. And you know what? There are worst kinds of girls to be.

Now if you're one of these idiots girls who does this, you're probably wondering why it's such a big deal. Well, beside the fact that it's really (really) pathetic, let me tell you something - dumb asses like you make life more difficult for normal women. Because of girls like you who can't handle casual sex, men who just want to bone find it necessary to lie about it. Because they're afraid we're gonna do exactly what you did - act stupid. So please, as a gesture of goodwill toward your fellow women, effing stop it.

This is the part of the post where I ask you if you have any experience with the topic but honestly ladies, if you've ever cried after sex because you feared that the man wouldn't respect you, I want you to get off my site don't want to hear about it. Actually same goes for any man reading who has done this. But if anyone out there has a compelling reason why this might be okay, I'd love to hear it.

I Wanna Little Sugar in my Bowl

If you've read this blog even once before then you know I'm a pretty forthright person. Despite that, I tend to keep the more um, intimate details of my life out of my blog. But at the risk of over-sharing, I have a confession for you all today: 

My sugar bowl is empty.

Sidebar: If you're not a Nina Simone fan and/or have never seen Point of No Return you might want to go over here now and get caught up. I'll wait for you to come back.

Okay so back to my sugar bowl. It's empty. Depleted. Devoid of even so much as one grain of sweetness. And I'm starting to get real salty because of it.  As anyone who knows me in real life can attest, when I run out of sugar I get cranky and obsessed. It's pretty much all I can think about and all I want to talk about. It bores me so I know it must be stultifying for my friends but I figure if I'm suffering, I'm taking everyone I know down with me.

But despite my ire, I recognize that a dearth of sugar is one of the by-products of the single life. When you choose not to sign on with any one sugar distributor, it stands to reason that you will occasionally have to endure gaps between shipments. But what's a gal to do when her sweet-tooth is calling and there's no sugar in the bowl?

Now before my various inboxes become flooded with offers, let me qualify something here. I'm out of sugar but I'm not looking for the generic stuff. I live across the street from No-Frills, I could run across and pick up a box of No Name brand for 89 cents and be on my way. But no - when my wet thumb has picked up every last granule from the bottom of the bowl I'm looking for premium sugar. The kind that has an ICUMSA number below 50. You know, top of the line shit. And I want my own sugar, not a cup borrowed from a neighbour or stolen from a coffee shop. And I want it to be sweet as possible, not the cheapo stuff that's almost sour.

So again, what's a girl to do? A quick Google search came up short, so as usual I took it to the streets. I wanted to know what other people do when they've squeezed the last drop of juice out of their last piece of sugar cane. It seems the most common way to deal with a sugar-famine is to sublimate: you eat it, drink it, or work it out.  The first two definitely don't work for me; stuffing alternate orifices seems to only remind me that my most important one is agonizingly vacant. Working out is a mild form of torture in my mind so I doubt that would work for me either. A lot of people also recommended um, banging it out myself but I fear I'm past the point where that would be helpful. As I told my bestie the other night (and here is where we part ways with the euphemism), masturbating when you're horny is like eating a chocolate rice cake when you're craving brownies. Yeah you got chocolate and your belly is full but it's just not the same.

So I ask you, dear readers, what do you do when your well has run dry? Are any of the suggestions I was given worth a go, or do you have a tried and tested trick I'm not yet aware of? Does everyone get stabby when they run out of sugar or do I have some kind of problem? Educate me - or commiserate with me - in the comments.

5 Reasons Why You Didn't Count

Love is a game and we all have a score. But unfortunately for all of us, your score isn't calculated based on your virtues, it's based on your bedmates. And scoring too high can be the kiss of death for some girls.

Now plenty of people will argue that in this day and age the number of partners we've had shouldn't matter and is no one's business. Most people don't even ask the question anymore. But please believe that plenty of girls would find themselves suddenly single if their number were to be disclosed to their man.

To solve this problem, we gals have come up with a system that enables us to tell the truth without telling the truth damaging our chances with a prospective mate. While we're compiling our mental list to arrive at our final count, we simply add "but that didn't count" at the end of any name we wish to strike from our history. Brilliant, no?

Now the reason this method of creative accounting is different from outright lying is that you can't just discount any man you want. A man in your past has to meet certain criteria to be disqualified from your list. So men if you're wondering if that santeria you put on the girl from the club last week is going to end up with a big red line through it, let me share with you the top 5 reasons a woman can cross you off her list:

1. It was a one-time thing.

You can't cross a boyfriend off your list unless you're me, but think of a one-night stand as something lightly scribbled in pencil on the notepad of our sexual history. A gal who meets a man, hooks up with him once, and goes on her merry way never to hear from him again is highly unlikely to rank that encounter as worthy of adding an extra digit to her number. Especially if her score is 9 or 19.

2. She was drunk.

This is the only one I've never used, simply because I don't drink.But please believe that if you slammed a girl while she was polluted with drunkenness she woke up the next morning and crossed your name off her list quicker than you can say lying ho. Please believe that.

3. She was on the rebound and/or she's out of your league.

Sometimes when a girl gets her heart broken, she just needs you to slip in a quick one to speed up the recovery process. No girl who has been dumped wants to walk around knowing that the man who rejected her was the last one to touch her lady parts so in a moment of weakness, she will succumb to another man's advances just to erase the ex-boo's stench from her memory. In the same way that eating a greasy breakfast when you're hungover doesn't count as cheating on your diet, sleeping with a human gorilla when you're heartbroken doesn't mean you've added a number to your list.

Sidebar: this only works when the dude is highly unsuitable. If a girl gets dumped and slams Idris Elba in retaliation, she's putting him on her list. And telling the ex-man about it.

4. He was a friend.

We're not talking about a fuck-buddy here, because you can't really cross a fuck-buddy off your list. But if you're the male bestie of a hot girl and you occasionally get it on with her, you are not on her list. No way, no how. That's a waste of a number.

5. No one knows.

Any woman with half a brain knows that if the sex was a secret it doesn't count. So if you're lying there in post-coital bliss and she whispers "we can keep this just between us, right?", just get up and draw a line through your existence because you absolutely do not count.

6. It was weak sauce
I almost forgot this. Thank you Honey Matthews for reminding me! If the shit was less than five minutes, your piece is less than an inch long, or you couldn't stay hard, you do not count.

Those are my top reasons, but as usual my blogging boy Dr. Jay has done it better over here. Take a peek. You'll laugh your ass off.

So tell me ladies, have you ever crossed a name off your list? Men would you be offended if a woman decided that sex with you didn't count?

First-Date Sex

At the end of my last first date, the dude suggested we retire to his bedroom. I laughed, thinking he was kidding. He wasn't. He proceeded to explain to me that the notion that it’s a bad idea for a woman to give it up on the first date is antiquated. "All the same," I told him "I think I'll pass on the generous invitation". The next morning he sent me a 500-word missive that further explained why first-date sex is okay.

I brushed that incident off as a one-off and continued with my stance on first-date sex: not a good idea unless you don't like the guy. But lately I've been coming across more and more blog posts in favour of the first-date dance. Then last week I read Jack from Brooklyn's "Dismantling the Myth of First Night Nookie".

I think we have a movement on our hands here.

A recent Twitterpoll suggests that 99% of the men I know think there is nothing wrong with having sex on the first date. The answers ranged from "totally acceptable" to “I don't think you can have such a static standard about sex anymore”. Sounds encouraging, right? At long last we gals can give in to our carnal urges and gleefully spread our legs whenever we please without repercussions. Let horny women everywhere rejoice.

The thing is though that of the men who said that first date sex is okay, most of them also said that they would respect the woman less afterward and their intentions toward her would change once she gave up the goods.  The general consensus among these fools guys was basically if we’re giving it up they’re taking it, but we can kiss any hope we had of wifey status goodbye. Only a handful of dudes said that their opinions of the women would stay the same after sex.

So has anything really changed? I doubt it. Women's lib notwithstanding, there is still a huge double-standard when it comes to first-date sex. A man will go on a first date with a woman, attempt to sleep with her and have the nerve to lose respect for her if she gives in without ever once stopping to worry about whether she has lost respect for him.

So what's a gal to do? What she's comfortable with, I guess. I once slept with a man on the first date and stayed with him for years afterward. Max 1.0 slept with men on the first date and never heard from them again. At the end of the day, I have two pieces of advice to share. Ladies:  if you want the man to know you're about more than sex, you probably shouldn't lead with your pussy. And men: get over the idea that a woman's pussy is the most interesting thing about her. Fucking her does not mean you've conquered her.

What do you guys think? Are we off the notion that first-date sex automatically rules out a relationship or is what our mothers told us true? Enlighten me.

Conversations About Sex

In case you haven't noticed, I kinda love sex. Sex comes second only to books as the true love of my life. I write about it as often as I can, think about it all the time, and never, ever pass up an opportunity to have some. But the thing I think I love the most about sex is talking about it. Well, sometimes.

For the last few years I've had a firmish policy: I don't discuss sex with a man with whom I intend to have it.  Sound backwards? Well let me explain. There are two reasons why I think this is a bad idea; first because, as previously discussed, I like the anticipation of not knowing what a man will be like in bed before we get there. I like to go deputy dog on him and use his words and behaviour as clues of what he will be like. I know it's weird but that's just me.

The second and main reason I avoid pre-sex talk is that something happens when you have these kinds of conversations with men. I don't know why, but it seems that breaking the seal on the sex talk before you break the seal on the sex tends to lead to some crappy-ish behaviour. I have my theories about why that is, but I'll save that for another post and another day.

So the other day I was talking about my aversion to sex talk with my buddies over at Met Another Frog. They weren't buying the max-logic at all. Like, not.at.all. After a pretty lengthy discussion involving me bringing up my (admittedly feeble) arguments against pre-sex conversations and Skye shutting me down, they pretty much had me convinced that letting your prospective partner know about your needs, wants, and preferences (and learning about his) is the grown-up thing to do and the only way to ensure you get what you need once secksy time comes around. 

Now that I've had some time to marinate on it, I'm still not sold. I can't shake the feeling that these kinds of conversations are clinical and unromantic. And the last time I discussed sex in detail with a man prior to sleeping with him, he disappeared almost immediately afterward. So I'm sticking with my telephathic method of making my needs known to my partner; understanding of course that I cannot complain if they're not met. Well, not to his face anyway.

But what say you, ladies and gents? Do you lay out your expectations to your partner before you slam? Is there a way to make this conversation not lead to disaster? Educate me because I'm clearly backwards on this one.

Donkey Punches and other Liberties

I'm of the opinion that sex is like hockey - better with a little violence. Trouble is, a single woman who avoids attachments usually doesn't waste take time having those 'getting to know you' conversations with her conquests where she can drop subtle hints that she likes it a little rough. Instead she has to rely upon a man's intuition to kick in and let him know that certain acts would be welcomed. We all know where that gets you right? Men - while superior human beings in many ways - are usually not so great at the whole intuition thing. So the girl who likes it a little rowdy probably has to sift through a whole lotta gentle f*ckers (pun intended) before she finds her holy grail - the man who knows exactly what liberties it's okay to take. 

And what liberties are those? I hear you asking. Well of course it's different for every woman. But for the men out there who are itching to try out a move on a new beat but aren't sure how it will go down, I'm going to give you some rough guidelines of how much is too much.

1. Spanking

I don't know many women who don't deserve a good spanking, and I know even fewer who don't enjoy it when it comes during sex. If you have some aggression that you want to let out, this is a good place to start because you can ease into it and it's safe to try it out the first time you slam.

Liberty rating: 1/5

2. Hair Pulling and General Manhandling

Manhandling is one of those things that bring out the throwback in most women. It's not that they don't like it so much as they think they shouldn't. Especially the whole holding on to her head while she's giving you head thing. Waist up she's offended, waist down is a different story. So you probably don't want to open with that. Start with pinning her arms down, proceed to hair pulling, and if she hasn't kicked you in the seeds, it's probably safe to proceed to the head-holding.

Liberty rating: 2/5 - 3/5

3. Hot Talks

I'm not talking about "Oh Baby you feel so good I can't wait to be inside you". I'm talking more along the lines of  "Take this d*ck you f*cking bitch". Break out your potty mouth too soon and you're likely to end the night with blue balls. The only advice I can give you is to pay attention to the way she speaks outside of the bedroom - there are usually clues to how dirty the talks can get in the bed.

Liberty rating: 3/5

4. Choking

The thing about choking is that a lot of women won't admit they like it. And even more women don't know they like it. But the women who don't like it really don't like it. So I don't recommend you trying this out the first time. If the urge to throttle is getting a rise out of you, you could try easing into it and see how she reacts, but I take no responsibility if she freaks the f*ck out.

Liberty rating: 4/5

5. Face-Slapping

This is an advanced move that only a true pig pimp would attempt with a woman he doesn't know well. But more women are into it than you might think.  Tread very, very lightly here. That's all I can say.
Liberty rating: 5/5

6. Donkey Punching
This is not a liberty you should be taking. I'm not saying there aren't girls out there who enjoy it, but I urge you to have the conversation beforehand. Things are gonna get really ugly if you try this on the wrong girl.
Liberty rating: 8/5

As usual, I'm putting it to you dear readers - what do you think? Ladies I know you like to play shy so make use of the anonymous commenting feature to tell me what you think. Men - how do you introduce these little acts of violence in the bedroom?

A Throwback Post - The Little Engine that Could

I had a bit of a rough weekend with no time to write so I'm sharing a post from my old blog with you today.

Many years ago I went on a date with this guy. The date was so unspectacular that I literally cannot remember anything about it – nothing at all except that I parked my car in a green P lot near Yonge & College. Actually – that’s one thing I remember – he didn’t drive. And y’all know how I feel about that right?? He was a singer and male singers tend to annoy me. They just think they’re so NICE. Even when they look like the bottom of my shoe. This guy wasn’t that horrid but he definitely thought he was destined for superstardom and that I should count myself lucky that I was given an audience with him.

Anyway. Like I said, I wasn’t feeling this guy. So I thought I'd try a theory I read about that was supposed to guarantee you'd never hear from a guy again: just f*ck him. Literally, not figuratively. If you go on one date with a guy and you never want to see him again, sleep with him and chances are he’ll disappear from the face of the earth. 

So I brought him home with me. The foreplay must have been weak because I don’t remember it at all. What I do remember is the histrionics that ensued. Once I ascertained that he was inside me (and trust me I had to do an extremity-count because I couldn’t feel much) I was absolutely astounded by the caterwauling that went on. He was bucking and weaving, moaning and panting and sweating. And sweating. There was so much sweat I have to say it twice. This dude sweated out alllllll my edges. It was about 10,000,000 kilowatts of energy to light a 40-watt bulb. You know what I'm saying? I was completely flabbergasted. And thank G-d for that because if not I would have fallen asleep, it was that bad. I just laid there, watching this bead of sweat collecting at the tip of his chin and thinking “yes work that little d*ck boy”. And if you know me at all you know I don’t talk like that so trust me when I tell you it was so crazy it gave me multiple personalities. Anyway, to add insult to injury the shit didn’t go on very long either. No length, no girth, no stamina. Poor child. I feel sorry for his future wife.

It was over, he was wack, I was sleepy (and obviously needed a shower). He left, promising to call me the next day. And I guess the theory was correct because then…and THEN… and then he never called me!

p.s. I saw him a few months later and some party or another. He made the mistake of trying to speak to me. I gazed at him coolly over the tip of my cigarette and said “anything you have to say to me you should have said when you called me the day after you fucked me. Oh – wait, you didn’t. So please don’t speak to me.” Was that rude??