How to Keep a Man

If you follow me on twitter you saw me tweeting the other night about the old diaries I was reading. They were so sadly pathetic that I was actually a little bit ashamed to be myself. But I found something interesting in there that I thought I would share with you all.

Back in my early twenties I was dating this man who was just a spectacular a$$hole. And one day he ordered me to watch Queens of Comedy and pay special attention to Mo'nique's part about how to please her man. He told me to listen closely and write it down. Lucky for you, I was an obedient little girl and I did.

Let's examine Mo'nique's rules of thumb for keeping her man:

1. She never lets her friends hang with her and her man "F*ck you single bitches!" is how she put it.

2. She never leaves her man unattended with other women. She won't even let a maid clean her house if her husband's there and she's not.

3. She'll do anything her husband wants her to sexually. He calls her the FBIA (Freakiest B*tch in America). She says if she doesn't do what he wants, another b*tch will.

Now in my young and idealistic days I thought this list was a bunch of bullshit. I wrote in my diary that if that was the way he wanted me to conduct himself he was in for a big disappointment. These days I actually think this list is on point.

Most of the women I know would disagree with this whole list. In my experience, women like to live in the land of fairy tales where they think a commitment trumps opportunity and therefore there is no reason not to trust a man alone with a maid or their friends alone with their man. Not me. To paraphrase the God of Relationships, a man is only as faithful as his opportunities. We all know that a man in a committed relationship should be able to resist temptations, but whether he would actually be able to do so is another story. If I was in a relationship and I was worried about my man cheating on me, please believe I would do everything in my power to ensure he would never be alone with a woman who wasn't his mother.

As much as most women disagree with numbers 1 and 2, they are probably shaken to their very foundations by number 3. This is probably the biggest thing women don't understand about men. Women like to refuse to participate in sex acts that they think are nasty because they think it makes men respect them more. In girl-logic, a man will value a "nice" girl over a sexually adventurous one every time. Therefore if their man wants something in the bedroom that she's not willing to give, he'll just roll over and say to himself  "Well relationships are about compromise and she thinks it's nasty so I'll just let it go and be content with the fact that she is a warm, nurturing, intelligent, giving woman". Ladies, I already schooled you on this one but let me tell it to you again - there is always some simple b*tch out there willing to do the blow rim job you won't. So whether you accept it or  not, in his mind he has a pass and he will redeem it in the right set of circumstances.  So ladies I say to you, quite literally, suck it up or suffer the consequences.

What say you ladies and men? Should a woman police her man and bend to his every sexual whim? Or are Mo'Nique and I full of shit?