The Connection will not be Televised

I've spent most of my life being the voice of reason for my girlfriends. I've got it down to a science by now, to the point where I barely even need to listen to their tales of woe to know what their course of action should be. I still do though. Sometimes.

Probably about 90% of the problems I hear about are effed-up relationships. And of that 90%, about 90% of the excuses reasons I hear for why they stay in said effed-up relationships can be aggregated up to one sentence: "But we have a connection!".

Having been blessed at birth with reason and accountability, I tend not to think like a normal woman. Therefore it's a bit difficult for me to even understand what they're talking about when they start whining going on about connections. From what I gather, this is something beyond just liking or loving someone. It's greater than physical attraction. It seems a connection is something transcendental; a destiny-type thing if you wanna get all Love Jones about it. The mythical, magical, majestical connection seems to mean that this person is meant to be in your life, no matter how badly they behave.

Picture this foolishness: Woman meets Man. They feel an instant connection. They click. He gets her, his soul speaks to her soul, he completes her (barf). It's wonderful. It's the stuff that chick flicks are made of. They have a connection and it is beautiful. But as time goes on, things begin to change. Instead of cradling her lovingly while reading Love Letters of Great Men aloud, Man is now treating Woman like something distasteful he found at the bottom of his shoe. Woman's desperate pleas for things to go back to the way they were fall on Man's deaf ears. Woman comes to me asking for advice. I say "leave his trifling ass". But she just can't. Because they have a connection.

You know who really loves to talk about connections? People in love triangles. We all know this story - Man and Woman meet and have a connection but some type of circumstance either breaks them up or stops them from getting together. They go their separate ways and one or both of them becomes committed to someone else. But sooner or later, that pesky connection kicks back in and they just can't stay away from each other. Now they're wreaking all kinds of havoc in their lives and those of their unsuspecting partners and coming running to me for advice. Which is - say it with me now - leave his/her trifling ass. But they can't. Because they have a connection.

If I reach way back into the recesses of my memory, I can recall how amazing it feels to meet someone whom you click with. Someone who gets you, whose soul speaks to your soul, blah blah blah. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you find someone that you think was chosen for you by whatever higher power you believe in. But here's my thing. When that person starts to treat me like caca, I'm going to start using that connection to wipe my ass, because that's all it's good for.

The way I see it, women who play the connection card (and I'm singling out the ladies because I have never heard a man use this excuse) are just trying to avoid responsibility for their actions. Instead of growing stones and leaving a man in the dust when he treats her like doo doo, she blames it all on the connection - like a connection is a free pass for shitty behaviour.

Ladies, lean in close to the screen right now because I have something to tell you: a connection and $3 will get you on the bus.

Here's my take on connections. When things are good, they make them even better, but when things are bad, they don't do shit.  So why women work so hard to maintain their connection to someone who makes them feel like a bag of moldy ass is completely beyond me. I suspect this has something to do with television. We all watched Days of Our Lives back in the day when Kayla & Jack got back together even though he raped her way back when they were married. But life is not a soap opera, and a bad scene is a bad scene, even when you have a connection.

That's what I think - what do you guys think? Ladies do you give your man a longer rope when you feel there's a special connection? Men - do you even know when you have a connection with a woman? Educate me people.

Vibes or Politeness

While I liken the age of technology to the second coming of the Messiah - I'm all for anything that gets me out of talking on the phone - it does make life just a little more complicated. The advent of courtship via text, Facebook, Twitter, and other non-verbal methods of conversation can sometimes make things a little confusing.

For example, I once received an email from a man that said this: "As we get deeper into this I am still discovering what I want and what I need. There are lots about us that is awesome. There are also some elements of our relationship that I wish were different. I need to meet someone that meets all my needs while I am meeting their's[sic]". It took quite a few reads before I realized that yes, this asshole is really dumping me by email.

That may be an extreme example, but the fact is that all this textual relating we do can lead to mixed signals; particularly when things are new and we don't know each other very well. And even though I pride myself on my ability to see through other people's bullshit and get to the heart of the matter, I have been known to ask my friends on more than one occasion "Is he giving me vibes or is he just being polite?".

In a cheerier example, last summer I met an interesting man at an interesting event. We chatted on and off throughout the night - always in a group - and went our separate ways at the end of the evening with no offers or plans to speak again. But by the time I got home there was a Facebook friend request from him in which he mentioned how nice it was to meet me. Less than a week later he sent me a message with a link to an article he thought I might enjoy reading. I was like - is this vibes or politeness? The immediate friend-request suggested vibes, but the link to the article - with no extraneous commentary - said politeness.

Even when we're lucky enough to meet someone who piques our interest in the three-dimensional world, things can still get confusing. A few months ago I dragged myself out to a party even though I was sick. There I spotted a man whom I just had to meet. A mutual friend introduced us and we had a brief conversation during which he appeared completely disinterested. But at the end of it when he was saying goodbye, he rubbed my back and said "I hope you feel better soon". I couldn't figure out what it meant - the rubbing of the back suggested vibes but his words were nothing but polite.

All this "is he flirting with me or is he just being polite" stuff is enough to make a woman's head explode. These mental gymnastics bore me, so I'll usually just come out and ask "are you trying to bone me?" but I definitely don't advocate that approach as it leads to all types of trouble. But the fact is, non-verbal communication requires a gal to work on her deductive reasoning skills. Luckily for you all, I've come up with a list of the Top 5 Ways to Tell it's Vibes:

1. Faster than the speed of light
If you meet a man at 10pm and by midnight he's friend-requested you on Facebook or asking for your Blackberry PIN, it's probably vibes. While men will move quick when they think sex is imminent, they tend to be a bit more lethargic when it comes to politeness.

2. Gratuitous contact
If he's texting/calling/emailing/Facebook-ing you for a pretty flimsy reason, it's a good chance he's testing the waters to see if you're receptive to his vibes. The best example of this is when he contacts you to ask you some sh*t he could easily find out on his own or you have no earthly way of knowing.

3. Spontaneous offers of contact info
Ever have a Facebook chat or email exchange with a guy and all of a sudden he gives you his phone number? That's vibes.

He's gassing you up
Compliments - especially gratuitous ones - are a dead giveaway of vibes.

5. After-hours
If you're unsure whether the contact is vibes or politeness, consider the time of day it came. Most people's jones comes down at night so if he's thinking of you in the wee hours, it's a good chance some type of vibes is going on.

What do you guys think? Ladies how do you tell the difference between politeness and vibes? Men - how can a girl tell when a man is flirting?

Spreading myself all over

Check me out over at Met Another Frog talking about what women can learn from men about feelings or catch an oldie but goodie over at The Fresh Xpress

Nasty Fridays will resume next week. The research I've been doing on squirting per CHeeKZ's request has me traumatized.

Oh and if you're on Twitter send my bff @emti a birthday shout-out today. Even if you don't know her - she will appreciate it.

Can I have a hug?

A single woman has the one thing everyone in the world should value - freedom. You do what you want, when you want, if you want, and you never have to consider anyone's feelings but your own. If that isn't living, I don't know what is.

Now if you're a smart single woman, you've structured your life in such a way so as to leave no gaps. If you're me the kind of woman who hates plunging the toilet, you have a man on standby to do that. If you're the type that would rather commit suicide than go to a wedding alone, you have a date-in-a-jar ready and willing to accompany you. And of course, any single woman worth her salt has a maintenance man on speed-dial to keep her parts oiled. What more do you need?

The thing is though that no matter how happy we are to be single and no matter how many safeguards we put in place, there's one thing a single gal can't seem to get on tap: a little affection. Try calling your maintenance man and asking him to come over and give you a kiss on the forehead. Or ask your best male friend to come give you a squeeze because you've had a hard day and you'll see what I mean. As much as we single women know we don't need a man to make us happy, the truth we all don't like to acknowledge is that there's nothing more comforting than some good old-fashioned affection from a man.

Maybe other single ladies don't have this problem but affection is my kryptonite. Every once in a while when I feel like life is beating me down, I start to seriously contemplate giving up the glory of single life and finding a relationship. Not because of the double income, or the regular sex (although that has all kinds of appeal) but just for the sheer pleasure of having someone around who I can force to rub my head when it hurts or play with my hair while we watch TV. Then I remember that men stop doing that shit after they hit it the first time. And just like that, all's right in my world again.

Am I alone on this one? What do you guys feel you're missing out on in being single?

Canada vs. USA

Note: If you've found yourself here after Googling the results of yesterday's hockey game, you're lost and should probably leave now. This is definitely not the place for you.

The other day we talked about the drought that inevitably befalls every single woman at some point in time. And while the pursuit of dick-in-a-jar is one I wholeheartedly support, as previously discussed some wimps women decided to search for a boyfriend instead. Now for a single woman in Toronto this can pose a serious problem; this is a world-class city and all but the dating situation is dire. With what seems like 10 available women for every available man (9 of whom are simple bitches who will put up with all manner of bullshit just to keep his attention), it can be extremely difficult for a woman to find her next victim a mate in the city. If she's really serious about her search she's gonna have to diversify, but since Toronto is the epicentre of all things cool in Canada (sorry Vancouver, but you know it's true) there's not much point in casting your net north of the 49th. Unless you really want to live in Nunavut, that is. For the serious shopper, it's all about the American boy.

The trouble is, while we Canadians have a pretty good grasp of American culture, I have my doubts as to whether an American dude really knows what he's getting into when he decides to wife a Canuck. So I have compiled a handy dandy list of the things your Yankee man must understand before he moves to Canada. 

1. No Stacy Adams

This is what I think of when I think of American guys and I think my feelings on the subject can be best expressed in the words of the great Trinity Chris: "Bun a tight pants and a square front shoes". I don't know if people even still wear these, but if you come up here in some snakeskin ankle boots, you're gonna look like a freshie and embarrass your girl.

2. Fahrenheit: Opiate of the Masses

As far as I can see, Fahrenheit was invented to blow smoke up people's ass about the temperature. It's just a ploy to make the winter seem less cold - doesn't 32° sound a whole lot better than 0°?  Up here, we don't lie to ourselves about the weather.

3. Beaver tails are one thing, but ya'll are nasty

Chitterlings, ham hocks, barbecued pig's feet? Please check it at the border before you cross.

4. Nationalism? Doesn't really fly here

We know you guys rep the stars & stripes for life, but we don't really wanna hear that mess up here. Yes we went hard for Team Canada last night but in general we don't even love our own country so we damn sure don't want to hear about yours.

5. Talk di tings dem

You're not gonna make it up here if you look confused every time someone asks you wha gwaan or you don't know why you should be worried that there's a duppy in your house.  And if you screw up your face when someone offers you ackee & saltfish you're automatically deported.

6. Drake is not the messiah

Now that the hockey thing is all sewn up there's nothing that fills Canadians with more pride than Drizzy. But we are aware that he is not the first great rapper we've produced. Please get up to speed on Saukrates, Kardi, and Maestro or relinquish your right to talk about hip hop as soon as you enter the country.

7. Learn to like talking about weather

Eff hockey, that is our national pastime

Welcome to Canada. Enjoy your stay eh?