A Date at the Strip Club

Way back before I became the dirty bird that I am today, I went to a strip club one night with a few of my male friends. I was a young dumb thing at the time and I sooo did not want to be there. But as the lone girl in a pack of men my vote didn't matter much and next thing I knew we were inside. The night was one part traumatic and one part illuminating. Sitting in pervert's row seeing a little bit too much detail for my delicate constitution = traumatic. Getting a (free) lap dance? Illuminating.

I don't remember how or why it came to be that I got a lap dance at this club, but I remember it started with the girl telling me she needed me to open my legs. And ended with her in between them holding her breast in my face and licking her nipple. Je-sus. In one five minute song I went from "strip clubs are nasty" to "I LOVE strip clubs!".

My point? Well most women I know hate the fact that their man goes to strip clubs and most men I know like to go. So ladies, once again I'm here to ask you to get over it. And once again I'm going to give you a list:

5 Reasons Why You Should be Going to the Strip Club with Your Man

1. Strip clubs are pretty good foreplay

Now let me caveat this here - I'm not talking about grimey spots like the Fabulous Forum back in London. I'm talking a decent to upscale place where the women are under the age of 50 and don't have their Cesarean scars on display. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah - a strip club can get you - and more importantly your man - nicely revved up before the main event. You locked-down ladies who are complaining that the spark is gone? Here's a good way to light it up.

2. It doesn't make you a bad girl

The older I get the more I believe that women just pretend not to like certain things to solidify their status as a nice girl. This is so patently ridiculous that I'm not even going to address it, so let me just say this. Going to the strip club with your man is pretty much the only "adventurous" thing you can do without actually having to do anything. If it makes you feel better, call yourself taking one for the team.

3. He's going anyway

Some homosexual men don't like strip clubs, but most do. So there's a pretty good chance that at some point in your relationship you're going to be sitting at home with zit cream on your face and Charlie's Angels in the DVD player while your man is taking in the sights. So you might as well suck it up and go with him.

4. You might learn something about your man

I think you can tell a lot about a dude by how he behaves at the strip club. Those jackasses that shout and jeer at the girl from their seats in Pervert's Row probably don't respect women much. The ones that go there and never look up from their Blackberry and try to talk about personal branding? They're gay pretentious. How a man looks at a woman who is taking off her clothes for money says a lot about him.

5. It's hot

Did I say that already? Well it is. Trust me.

Publish Post

Okay ladies - what do you think? Will you go to the strip club with your man? If not, do you at least have the sense to shut your yap when he goes with his friends? Gentlemen - do you even want your lady at the strip club with you?

PSA for Ladies - The Toilet Seat is not that Deep

I've been meaning to rant on this for a minute and now the time has come. Ladies I'm talking to you today and I have only one question: what is it with you and the toilet seat? No - seriously....what is it?

I lived with a man for I don't know how many years and he never once put the toilet seat down when he was finished with it. Never. And do you know how many times I accidentally fell in the toilet? Never. Because I checked before sitting down. Don't you all do that?

And really - how did down become the default position for toilet seats anyway? Let's really examine this. As far as I can see, the toilet has 5 main purposes:

1. For a lady to pee in
2. For a man to pee in
3. For a lady or man to poop in
4. For vomiting
5. For cleaning

Hmm...so out of 5 possible uses, 3 require the seat to be up. And yet you're still complaining? I don't get it.

The way I see it, complaining about the toilet seat is a little like the boy who cried wolf. You know what I mean? It's like you waste so much time complaining about something so frivolous that when you have legitimate beef the man is already tired of hearing your mouth. You're destroying your own credibility because you don't want to take a half a second to look down at the seat before you sit in it. Does that make any sense?

Ladies - any of you out there agree with me or is this further evidence that I am really a man?

Donkey Punches and other Liberties

I'm of the opinion that sex is like hockey - better with a little violence. Trouble is, a single woman who avoids attachments usually doesn't waste take time having those 'getting to know you' conversations with her conquests where she can drop subtle hints that she likes it a little rough. Instead she has to rely upon a man's intuition to kick in and let him know that certain acts would be welcomed. We all know where that gets you right? Men - while superior human beings in many ways - are usually not so great at the whole intuition thing. So the girl who likes it a little rowdy probably has to sift through a whole lotta gentle f*ckers (pun intended) before she finds her holy grail - the man who knows exactly what liberties it's okay to take. 

And what liberties are those? I hear you asking. Well of course it's different for every woman. But for the men out there who are itching to try out a move on a new beat but aren't sure how it will go down, I'm going to give you some rough guidelines of how much is too much.

1. Spanking

I don't know many women who don't deserve a good spanking, and I know even fewer who don't enjoy it when it comes during sex. If you have some aggression that you want to let out, this is a good place to start because you can ease into it and it's safe to try it out the first time you slam.

Liberty rating: 1/5

2. Hair Pulling and General Manhandling

Manhandling is one of those things that bring out the throwback in most women. It's not that they don't like it so much as they think they shouldn't. Especially the whole holding on to her head while she's giving you head thing. Waist up she's offended, waist down is a different story. So you probably don't want to open with that. Start with pinning her arms down, proceed to hair pulling, and if she hasn't kicked you in the seeds, it's probably safe to proceed to the head-holding.

Liberty rating: 2/5 - 3/5

3. Hot Talks

I'm not talking about "Oh Baby you feel so good I can't wait to be inside you". I'm talking more along the lines of  "Take this d*ck you f*cking bitch". Break out your potty mouth too soon and you're likely to end the night with blue balls. The only advice I can give you is to pay attention to the way she speaks outside of the bedroom - there are usually clues to how dirty the talks can get in the bed.

Liberty rating: 3/5

4. Choking

The thing about choking is that a lot of women won't admit they like it. And even more women don't know they like it. But the women who don't like it really don't like it. So I don't recommend you trying this out the first time. If the urge to throttle is getting a rise out of you, you could try easing into it and see how she reacts, but I take no responsibility if she freaks the f*ck out.

Liberty rating: 4/5

5. Face-Slapping

This is an advanced move that only a true pig pimp would attempt with a woman he doesn't know well. But more women are into it than you might think.  Tread very, very lightly here. That's all I can say.
Liberty rating: 5/5

6. Donkey Punching
This is not a liberty you should be taking. I'm not saying there aren't girls out there who enjoy it, but I urge you to have the conversation beforehand. Things are gonna get really ugly if you try this on the wrong girl.
Liberty rating: 8/5

As usual, I'm putting it to you dear readers - what do you think? Ladies I know you like to play shy so make use of the anonymous commenting feature to tell me what you think. Men - how do you introduce these little acts of violence in the bedroom?

Other People's Logic: Is this the new guy?

For the first time ever we have a guest poster today. The indomitable Dr. Jay who tells women about their parts on a regular basis on twitter, The Book of Jackson, and your favourite blogger's favourite blog Single Black Male. If you don't read him, you should. He makes men cheer and women cry. In a good way. Dr. Jay is giving us the flip side of yesterday's post about the next girl.

I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life… actually a lot.  This may surprise you, but I don’t currently have a lot of girlfriends now, lol.  Some I broke up with, some broke up with me and some things just fizzled and we parted ways mutually.  Yeah you know things don’t always work out because not everyone is for everyone.  But how do you react once you find out that there is a new dude in the picture?

Speaking for myself, if a girl is not with me anymore and she finds a better guy, I can’t be mad at her or him.  I’m actually happy for her.  But that’s the man in me, I’m not some immature boy who thinks that’s I’m the best a girl will ever had, or that this guy somehow stole my girl.  No one can steal your stuff if you lock it up.

Then there’s the fell chance that you may find out your ex is now talking to a guy who is no where near as good for her as you were.  This upsets us all.  It might make you laugh, but that laughter is the laughter that one gets when they’re so upset they can’t help but laugh.  There are three people who make this situation worse than it has to be; Your family, your friends and her friends.  Your family is supposed to be there for you, but sometimes in there attempts to pacify you they can make it worse.  “You’re better off without her”, doesn’t really say what you want them to say.  Your friends sometimes can be more obsessed with your ex’s new flame than you ever will be.  Have you ever had a friend who messaged you to let you know that your ex posted new pictures on Facebook?  (These are usually the haters in your life.)  Her friends want you to think she’s doing so very well without you so they can run and tell her how sad you look.  I’ll tell you straight up, I don’t give a sh*t.

(Funny story, I know a chick who I used to talk to and her friend actually tells me all the time how the guy she’s with now isn’t anything compared to me.  I find it funny.  #DANGER)

What about when the person telling you about their new flame is YOUR ex?  Now that’s funny to me.  I had someone ask me the other day why I talk to one of these girls I used to talk to all the time.  (Scratch that, I’m not getting into all that.  She probably reading this post right now.)  But seriously, I have to laugh when the ex is telling you about her new guy.  I mean, it’s weird and it’s not weird.  I’ve had situations where I have had exes that I’m really close with now on just a friend level and then talking about that stuff doesn’t bother me.  And then there’s like exes who I just don’t care to be friends with, so I take that as amusement.  I have this one ex, and like for no reason she just broke up me with one day.  OK, whatever, a woman makes a decision and can’t find the words to explain it, so she just says nothing… big deal.  Later on I find out that the dude she’s talking to was playing her hardcore.  I couldn’t stop laughing for like three days.  Three days!

In all of this, there’s really nothing anybody can do.  I have never told an ex that a guy wasn’t good enough for her.  (That’s a lie, I told an ex one time after she broke up with a guy that I never liked the dude to begin with.)  But I have never overstepped the bounds of my friendship or past relationship.  If that’s the guy she’s chosen to be with, that’s her problem not mine.  That’s what we call the care zone.  Once you step outside of the care zone then you have to make decisions on your own.  (I find that women who “like the way I think” find it really hard when they decide they don’t want to be with me anymore and I tell them, I can’t give them advice for their lives anymore.  I mean honestly, why would I give you advice that doesn’t benefit me at all and in fact ends up hurting me in the long run?  C’mon son.)

The Next Girl

 Even when they’re done properly, there are a lot of things that suck about breakups. The missing, the crying, the what-ifs, the things he left behind – it’s all a big ball of misery. But for women the worst part of a breakup is discovering that her ex has a new girl. Whether it happens two weeks or two years later and no matter whether she was the dumper or the dumped, no woman can claim to be unaffected by the fact that another woman is occupying her position of honour in the ex man’s life.

The emergence of the next girl kicks us into detective mode; I think the expression “know thy enemy” was created for this very situation. We creep Facebook and Twitter, we snoop, we make subtle inquiries, we put our friends on full-on spy alert to find out what we can about this interloper. For some reason, women have to compile a dossier on the next girl, the contents of which determine how we feel about the situation.

Top 5 things we need to know about the next girl.

1.  Her name.

Knowing the next girl’s name is critical. It helps us determine what “kind” of girl you’re dealing with – we think we can tell things like whether she’s pretty, smart, or classy by her first name. It’s patently ridiculous, but it’s essential information.

2.  How long has this been going on?

We need to know whether we need to cut her the next time we see her. Obviously if her stint overlaps ours, she’s a dead gyal walking. If she allowed for a reasonable mourning period before swooping in for the kill, we’ll let her live. For now.

3.  Is she prettier than I am?

Most girls are highly aggrieved if they find out that the next girl is prettier than she is. But as someone who has had the experience of the next girl who favours one ol' piece of dry up cho-cho, let me tell you there is nothing more insulting than the fact that your ex man would rather be with an ugly girl than you. Same logic applies to intelligence and success.

4. Are you being nicer to her than you were to me?

I dealt with a man once who never wanted to go anywhere with me. I don’t know if it was laziness or cheapness or he had another woman (or all three) but it was like pulling teeth to get this guy out on the road with me. When we split up I wasn’t that upset and I was only slightly irked when I found out about the next girl, but you cannot imagine the throat punch I wanted to give him when I started seeing him running the streets with her.

5.    Do you like her better than me?

About 90% of women’s irrational behaviour comes from the fact that we need to be #1 in a man’s life. It’s why women complain about anything that takes a man’s attention away from her. So while we might be able to tolerate you distracting yourself from your pain in the arms of a dumber, uglier, woman whom you treat like a dog; if we get the slightest inkling that you actually prefer her, someone’s getting a beating.

6. Does she know about me? Like, really?
Old heads such as myself may remember the first episode of Ally McBeal when she goes to work to find out she'll be working along side her ex and his new wife. She asks the ex if the next girl knows about her and he says "yes I told her we dated." Ally is not happy. Because "we dated" was not putting enough significance on their relationship. The ex girl wants the next girl to know how much you loved her so she feels appropriately threatened.

It pains me to admit it, but this is one area in which I am just like every other girl. As the girl who gave her ex the most spectacular pep talk before he walked down the aisle, I qualify for the title of coolest ex in the world but I still get irked by the next girl. Call me irrational, but I don't like the feeling that I've been tossed aside for someone inferior.

Ladies - are you with me on this one? Men - how do you feel about the next man?