Mind Sex - A Nasty Friday Guest Post

Even a perv like myself runs out of dirty things to talk about from time to time so we have a guest appearance from Lincoln Anthony Blades today.  If you've never visited his site, make sure to check it out. He goes even harder than I do. Pause. Anyway. Read, enjoy, comment, and don't forget to vote for me.

Romance is not an act, it’s an art and making love isn’t something you have it’s something you create. When both work together flawlessly, it can take even the most reserved of women from a cold, standoffish, asexual being to a sensuous freak craving your very touch – and it doesn’t take much.

Please don’t confuse my interpretation of Mind Sex with the lame Dead Prez song with negroes talking about "playing chinese checkers on futons and eating garden salads and wearing kufi’s". For me Mind Sex is all about "Penetration-Preparation" or basically everything you do before you put it in. I’ve always been a firm believer that if she is not dripping all over the place just before the sex, then you have not properly "pre-heated" the oven and the turkey ain’t ready to be put in yet.

Most people think of foreplay as an arduous and lengthy act, but it does not have to be either of those. And here’s how..

[I thought music would help set the mood for the pace, so click 'PLAY'..]


1) Greet Her PROPERLY

The first thing you need to do as a man is drop the selfishness and silly past fights and just get yourself in the mindset that you don’t matter. Not tonight. Tonight it’s all about HER. You can’t just TRY to do this, you need to FULLY commit to this way of thinking because the most important part of Mind Sex is the initial greeting – whatever way you typically greet her is NOT good enough. No “Hey”, “What’s Good?”, or “What the hell took you so long?”.

2) Be Attentive To The SMALL Things

Women are extremely attentive so they notice the smallest things when it comes to interacting with a man. And it’s not even small, OBVIOUS things like did you open the door for her or did you pull her chair out. It’s more innocuous than that. Though it’s different for every woman, it’s things like:how you introduce her to your boy that you saw at dinner (you introduced her as “My woman” and not “My friend” or just her name) or things like a non-obvious compliment or a brief  sensual touch on the arm.

3) Eye Contact Is Crucial

The eyes are definitely the window to the soul and the intensity of a lustful look is what women are into. It might sound weird to us men, but it actually makes a lot of sense. Women see lack of eye contact as a lack of confidence and if you can’t stare deep into her eyes it’s either because you’re too scared, too shy or too dishonest, but whatever it is, he’s NOT someone she wants to take home and find out IF he can please her. If she playfully asks "Why are you looking at me like that?" then you have her right where you want her.

4) Every Touch is Calculated and Delivered With Force

Most men don’t know how to deliver the casual panty-moistener hug, but the ones that do know EXACTLY how something as small as a hug can go a long way in creating sexual anticipation. A woman’s body is not meant to be grabbed or groped UNTIL it’s get-it-in time; her body is meant to be EXPLORED. Unlike men, women have many erogenous zones all over their body and it’s all about caressing those parts subtly enough that you don’t look like you are just being an inexperienced, overzealous horny bastard like one of those kids from American Pie or Superbad, but without enough force that she knows YOU cherish every inch of her body even when it’s fully clothed.

5) Find The Right Pace

This is crucial. Remember that YOU don’t control the pace, and neither does she. Her body controls the pace and if you can’t read it, then you will NEVER know when she’s ready. A woman’s body cannot hide its reaction to pleasure; though she can keep a straight face or keep quiet her body will always give away how turned on she is.

The final stage of Mind Sex may be considered teasing, but I just call it "previewing.” You don’t ravish her neck and collar bone with your tongue, but you give her a strong massage and every now and then just pass your [non-chapped] lips over the back of her neck for a brief moment and feel her tense up waiting for to kiss and neck her, but don’t – just pull away slowly and let her mind imagine how good it will feel when you actually do it.

This isn’t meant to be a how to please your woman manual, just some friendly reminders that bringing out the freak in your girl doesn’t take a stripper pole or Booty Call 56 DVD’s, just some time, attention to detail and willingness to please.

What do you guys think of LAB's take on mind sex. I know this stuff would definitely work on me, but what say you ladies? Men - what's your strategy for penetration-preparation?

Bad Home Habits - Max in Real Life

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.
 
I live alone. The greatest sentence in the history of adulthood. There is no greater bliss than having a domain of which you are the sole master; where anything goes and no one can tell you what to do.

At some point of every day I will say a thank you to the gods of habitation for blessing me with my own space. But I am never more grateful for my solitude than when I'm engaging in some sloth.

See I'm not a dirty or particularly messy girl, but I definitely have some bad habits around the house. These are things that make perfect sense to me but annoy the shit out of anyone who has to live with me...and I can't even blame them.

And so - since we keep it real on Thursdays - allow me to share with you my Top 10 Bad Home Habits:

1. Wasting paper towels.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I'm more than a bit squeamish. Therefore anything that is touching anything that's going in my mouth - dishes, cutlery, penises, countertops - must be vigourously washed and sprayed with vinegar before it touches me. I also have to fanatically wash my hands before I even think about touching food. This means I use a whole lot of paper towels; because using a fresh dish towel every time I need to dry something means too much laundry. On average I use no less than three paper towels to dry my hands. Multiply that by the fact that I wash my hands no fewer than 10 times a day and you see the problem don't you?

2. I keep empty water bottles in the fridge.

I basically only drink bottled water and every time I finish a bottle I throw it back in the fridge. I don't know why I do this.

3. I don't replace the toilet paper roll.

Yes I am that person who takes the fresh roll and places it on top of the empty one. Life is short and I don't have the kind of time that switching it would require.

4. I never turn off/unplug anything.

Blame my parents for this. They basically used to follow us around switching appliances off if we took our eyes off them for one second. In my house, the flat iron and heating pad are always plugged in, the laptop and lights are always turned on. Thank God for the phrase "hydro included".

5. I hate air conditioning and fans.

If you come to my house on a hot day you have three choices to relieve yourself: go on the balcony, remove your clothes, or take the fan into another room. I hate the feeling of cold air hitting me so I've made sure that's not possible at casa maxfab.

4. Taking out the garbage is a man's job.

And I am not a man. Therefore it rarely gets done here. You don't want to know what kinds of measures I take to endure my house doesn't stink of old food.

6. I keep the salt in the living room.

That's where I eat and therefore where I use the salt - where else would I keep it?

7. Ironing is an exercise in futility.

Ironing is the one domestic art that I despise and have no desire to master. It's the dumbest thing ever! You spend all this time pressing wrinkles out of your clothes and then the minute you step out your house it's wrinkled again. Nope.


8. There is no making of the bed.

I'm getting back in there as soon as possible. If it's made it will only slow me down.

9. The tv volume never goes above 3.

The rule in my house is this: if you don't have to concentrate really hard to hear the television, it's too effing loud. In my house not having supersonic hearing means you'll need to press your ears up against the speaker because I get stabby when the tv is too loud.


10. The dishes dry themselves.

Washing and drying a knife right before I go in on a bagel is one thing. Washing a full sink of dishes I'd quite another. In my house clean dishes go straight from the sink to the cupboard with not even the most cursory rub with a paper towel. Why is this? Because dishes dry themselves!

But what do you all think? Men do my bad home habits make you not want to live with me? Ladies don you have any wutless ways you'd like to share? Speak in it in the comments.

I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

The other day while pretending to work toiling away at my incredibly demanding job my ipod delivered a one-two punch of songs that sent my little brain spinning - Your Girl by Mariah Carey and Tell Me You Love Me by Amerie. The basic premise of both songs is this: you don't know it but I’m the girl for you and I’m going to make you fall in love with me and do my bidding.

It's not a particularly new concept, but it got me thinking - is it possible to lead a man from zero (complete disinterest) to 10 (completely besotted) just because you want to?  It reminded me of two girls I knew back when I first moved to Toronto; each of whom set their sights on a man and basically went after him with such force that he was powerless to resist her. One married her target and 10 years later they’re blissfully happy. The other – after stealing him from his current fiancé – cannot stand the dude.

The only time I’ve ever put in real work to make a man love me was with Snickers, and that was really less about getting him to love me and more about getting him to admit that he loved me. Since then I really cannot be bothered to put in much work. Once I’m in a relationship I’ll work hard to keep my dude happy but my strategy for getting a man to like me basically boils down to 1. Dazzle him 2. Confuse the shit out of him. When If that doesn’t work it’s on to the next.

Given that I’m single, I’m thinking my strategy might not be as comprehensive as it could be. So I took to the internets to see what other #swindles tactics the ladies are using to attract a man. So without further ado I give you Top 10 Ways to Make a Man Love You:


1. Look good

I shouldn't even have to tell you this. If you don't know by now that men are visual creatures then you're probably not even old enough to be on this blog. But I'm going to remind you one more time that if you're trying to capture a man's interest you're gonna need to look good. What that means depends on who you are and the circumstances and I'm trusting that you have enough judgement to make the right choice. Just look good and sexy in a non-trashy, non I will let your boys run a triz on me kinda way.


2. Get in the path of destruction

The lovely and talented Dr. Jay already schooled us on this. If you want a man to notice you you have to be in his line of sight. I know The Rules and all those books tell us that he has to chase after us, but it's a little difficult to get him to do that if he doesn't know or care that you exist. So as @emti would say - you gotta chase him until he chases you.

3. Be a social butterfly

People are lemmings and they always want what everyone else wants. So if he sees that other people want to be around you and hang out with you it will likely pique his interest.  However this can backfire if you're seen with too many dudes as being "too social"...some dudes don't like that.

4. Be cool

Drama is never a good thing but it's never worse than when a man is first starting to notice you. We all know how lasting first impressions are right? You don't want him to think of you and immediately recall the fracas you got into with your ex's next at the club the other day. So avoid drama at all costs at least while he's present.

5. Be yourself...kinda

For the record I am not advocating being fake or engaging in any trickery to capture your target, but I cannot unequivocally advise you to just be yourself as so many other people do. Be yourself, but be the most interesting you or the most charming you or the most flirtatious you. But don't be the you who is complaining loudly about your menstrual cramps or bad-mouthing your no-good ex. Don't be yourself like that. Please.

6. Gas up his head

For many men, what attracts him to a woman is less about the woman herself and more about the way she makes him feel about himself. Honest, sincere compliments give men a nice little boost. This is a good thing. It's a great thing if you pay him a compliment he's never heard before or doesn't hear often. If he feels good around you he'll want to be around you.

7. Feign Show interest in what he’s interested in

The idea that we are drawn to people who share our interests is pretty straightforward; I don't think I need to elaborate on that. So yes if you share an appreciation for vintage OutKast with the dude, letting him know that is a good move. But even if you're not into what he's into, displaying a genuine interest in it will serve you well.

8. Go for the nose

This is what you do: when you know you're gonna see the dude, "paint your nails" right before you leave the house. The dab a little bit of your "love" the same places you'd apply fragrance. For one thing, you'll have a great post-orgasmic glow and for another you'll be giving off all kinds of pheromones and pussy-fragrance. What man can resist that?

Too much? Okay well try this instead: Wear the same scent every time you see him. Make sure he gets close enough to smell it on you. Sooner or later he'll come to associate that fragrance with you and wherever he smells it - even if it's between the thighs of some other chick - he'll think of you.

10. Gently confuse him

Once you've put all this work into getting this dude to lust after you, you don't want to mess it up by being too available. Men are hunters and they get off on challenges so make it a little difficult for him or he'll consider you conquered and move on to the next one. And don't let anyone tell you different.

What say you guys? You've been awfully quiet lately and you know I lose my blogging mojo when you guys don't interact with me. So I want to hear from you. Ladies - what tips or tricks do you have to get a man interested? Men - do you think these tactics would work on you? Speak your piece in the comments.

Oh and before I forget - vote for me!

Any 10 on Tuesday with Dr. Jay

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.

It's Tuesday and that means it's time for “Any 10 on Tuesdays” where each week I ask some poor sucker an interesting person a bunch of questions. And of course I couldn't have a series where other people drop their knowledge without including the most knowledgable man in the world, the indomitable Dr. Jay. He even answered all 30 questions instead of choosing just 10, because he's that kind of dude.

Ready? Let's begin.

Describe yourself in three sentences or less.

If someone asked you who I was, here's how I would like you to reply, "he's entertaining and provocative."  It's hard to tell when he's being serious, or just joking, but he's always thought-provoking.  Plus, the brother is fine.

1. Is there something about your life or lifestyle that makes your perspective on dating/relationships unique?

I believe in continuous improvement.  I never stop trying to improve my relationship from the minute i'm in it.  I work at it daily, even when there are no problems or issues on the horizon.

2. To what extent are you willing to adapt this lifestyle to that of your partner?

Naturally the partnership of two people is going to cause for some adaptation on the part of both of us.  I'm not willing to change the very essence of myself.

3. Thong or boyshorts?

I thought about this the other day because i'm a fan of boy shorts, but I really love thongs.  I will just be straight up.

4. Could you be in a relationship that is not monogamous? Why or why not?

Yes, but I wouldn't call that girl my girlfriend.  She'd just be referred to my #1.

5. True or false: it is rude for a man not to call the woman the day after he slams for the first time.

True, that's just rude.  One caveat, a text message is cool.

6. If you were alone in your boy/girlfriend’s house, would you snoop?

Nope, that's just not my style.

7. What is your favorite sexual position?

Reverse cow-girl.

8. Name the most interesting place you have had sex.

In a park during the middle of the day.

9. Picture your most memorable partner in your mind and share what made that person so memorable.

She liked the Lakers.

10. Blow job or hand job?

If you're not using your hands when giving a blow job then you don't know what you're doing.

11. What is something you have always wanted to try, but haven’t yet?

Drawing a blank.

12. Best piece of relationship advice you’ve ever been given?

B*tches cheat, get over it.

13. What is your favorite thing to do to your partner? What is your favorite thing to have done to you?

I like to feed my partner. I like to get head.  (Not that those are independent or unrelated. LOL.)

14. What is the most sensitive spot on your body?

Pelvic area.

16. What is your most embarrassing sexual experience?

An unexpected squirter.

17. What’s your fatal flaw in relationships?

I'm a conservative socialist, lol.  I like my relationships to be a certain way, but at times, I think I need a change with the times.

18. If you had a super power what would it be? Why?

Ability to read minds.

19. What turns you on?

Thongs!

20. Which habit of your most annoys the people you date?

Being smarter than the average bear.

21. What would the title of your autobiography be?

If you let me, you won't regret me.

22. What’s the first thing you notice in a man/woman?

Her shoes.

23. How often do you believe it is normal to want sex?

Hourly. (Is this my kind of dude or what?)

24. If your friend was cheating, would you tell their partner?

Hell no, respect the G code.

25. Name three famous wo/men you'd put a hurting on if you had the chance.

Eva Mendes, Michelle Rodriguez, Persia White

26. What qualities do the people you date tend to have in common?

They are unique.

27. Do you know what a dirty sanchez is?

Yes, and I will not do it to you, or have you do it to me.

28. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Nope.

29. What are your must-have qualities in a partner?

If I said ambition would that be too cliche.  No, I would say vision.  The ability to see a goal worth having and achieve it.

30. What are your dealbreakers?

Stubborness and people who just are generally negative in life.

What say you about the questions and answers? Weigh in, discuss, heckle, what have you in the comments.

I'm Gonna Get You Sucka

If there is one universal truth about being single, it's that sooner or later someone is gonna do something shitty to you. Just as they say you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, most singletons have to endure some punk offs before they find what they're looking for.

So as we're living our single lives and enduring random egregious acts, we have a choice: are we going to endure this ass-raping with class and dignity? Or are we going to get even?

Personally, I try to be more of a take the high road kind of gal, but that's really more because I fear creating bad karma for myself than out of classiness or my forgiving nature. Believe you me, I have the inclination to exact revenge on those who did me wrong...I just lack the stones to actually act on it.

Not everyone is as afraid of divine retribution as I am though. Some women - many women - will go to any lengths to get the sucka who did them wrong. Up until a few weeks ago the funniest dating revenge story I'd heard was the woman who bought a billboard to decry the married man who screwed her over, but then one of my friends told me a crazy story.

My girl - let's call her Betty - dated a dude briefly until he abruptly stopped calling her. She never knew why. About a year went by and she bumped into him unexpectedly; at which point he informed her that he was getting married and invited her to the wedding.

Betty went back and forth about whether she should attend this wedding before ultimately deciding that an appearance at the blessed event was a must. Fired up with the indignation of a woman scorned, Betty put on her freakiest freakum dress, some vampy red lipstick and some fuck me pumps and headed to the reception. She arrived just as the happy couple were having their first dance as man and wife. Having gone there with the express purpose of getting revenge, Betty recognized this as a prime opportunity. So she sashayed onto the dance floor, tapped old dude on the shoulder, and murmured "Mind if I cut in?". As both bride and groom looked at her stunned she leaned forward, put her arms around the groom's neck, and kissed him on the lips. And with a dramatic turn and a "congratulations" tossed over her shoulder, she sashayed out that bitch.

Can you imagine?

I could never do such a thing and even if I did I would be so distraught and grief-stricken that I would never get over it. But Betty said she felt effing great afterward and she has no regrets. Which made me wonder if I would feel better about the ish I've been through if I did some dirt to the dude.


What do you guys think? Have any of you ever taken revenge on someone who did you wrong? Ever been forced to pay the price for some dirt you did? Share your stories in the comments.