In case you haven't noticed, I kinda love sex. Sex comes second only to books as the true love of my life. I write about it as often as I can, think about it all the time, and never, ever pass up an opportunity to have some. But the thing I think I love the most about sex is talking about it. Well, sometimes.
For the last few years I've had a firmish policy: I don't discuss sex with a man with whom I intend to have it. Sound backwards? Well let me explain. There are two reasons why I think this is a bad idea; first because, as previously discussed, I like the anticipation of not knowing what a man will be like in bed before we get there. I like to go deputy dog on him and use his words and behaviour as clues of what he will be like. I know it's weird but that's just me.
The second and main reason I avoid pre-sex talk is that something happens when you have these kinds of conversations with men. I don't know why, but it seems that breaking the seal on the sex talk before you break the seal on the sex tends to lead to some crappy-ish behaviour. I have my theories about why that is, but I'll save that for another post and another day.
So the other day I was talking about my aversion to sex talk with my buddies over at Met Another Frog. They weren't buying the max-logic at all. Like, not.at.all. After a pretty lengthy discussion involving me bringing up my (admittedly feeble) arguments against pre-sex conversations and Skye shutting me down, they pretty much had me convinced that letting your prospective partner know about your needs, wants, and preferences (and learning about his) is the grown-up thing to do and the only way to ensure you get what you need once secksy time comes around.
The second and main reason I avoid pre-sex talk is that something happens when you have these kinds of conversations with men. I don't know why, but it seems that breaking the seal on the sex talk before you break the seal on the sex tends to lead to some crappy-ish behaviour. I have my theories about why that is, but I'll save that for another post and another day.
So the other day I was talking about my aversion to sex talk with my buddies over at Met Another Frog. They weren't buying the max-logic at all. Like, not.at.all. After a pretty lengthy discussion involving me bringing up my (admittedly feeble) arguments against pre-sex conversations and Skye shutting me down, they pretty much had me convinced that letting your prospective partner know about your needs, wants, and preferences (and learning about his) is the grown-up thing to do and the only way to ensure you get what you need once secksy time comes around.
Now that I've had some time to marinate on it, I'm still not sold. I can't shake the feeling that these kinds of conversations are clinical and unromantic. And the last time I discussed sex in detail with a man prior to sleeping with him, he disappeared almost immediately afterward. So I'm sticking with my telephathic method of making my needs known to my partner; understanding of course that I cannot complain if they're not met. Well, not to his face anyway.
But what say you, ladies and gents? Do you lay out your expectations to your partner before you slam? Is there a way to make this conversation not lead to disaster? Educate me because I'm clearly backwards on this one.
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@__melissa · 793 weeks ago
talking about it with someone you intend to do it with is totally the grown up thing to do. it gives you an idea of what you're in for and if you'll be on the same page or not. and opens up the lines of communication for things beyond sex. nobody is a mind reader, especially guys, so the best way to approach anything with them is openly and directly.
annnnd if the dude doesn't live up to the expectations he sets up for himself, you can then totally call him out on it because those lines of communication have been opened. haha....
maxfab 81p · 793 weeks ago
And you are of course right, it is the grownup thing to do. But I just can't wrap my mind around it.
emti · 793 weeks ago
What I like/d with one guy might not be what I like with the new guy and if I've already told the new guy what my past likes were he not going to try out his best moves with me that I've may never have experienced.
maxfab 81p · 793 weeks ago
__melissa · 793 weeks ago
maxfab 81p · 793 weeks ago
Let's face it - some men are really literal and if you say "I like my titties sucked" then you've gone and done his thinking for him and now he'll just do exactly that and only that.
Some men are ego maniacs and if you tell them "I don't like having my pu$$y eaten for longer than 7 minutes" they take that as a challenge and think it's only because they've never eaten it and now they want to prove you wrong and you're chafing all over the place.
I think you have to find that special kind of man who takes these conversations as useful information that can benefit you both. I don't know any of those types so I'm keeping my yap shut.
Sam Sharpe · 793 weeks ago
A conversation about sex, much like a hammer, a recipe, a keyboard or sexual acts themselves is only as good as the person using it.
What is the difference between talking about basic standards/expectations from a little dirty talk whispered in your ear? The application.
Everyone knows the nuts and bolts of kissing, sucking, fucking, licking, etc...but not everyone does it the same way. Or does it well. If I'm having a pre-sex talk with a woman, I'm not talking about it in strictly clinical terms. Since I know (hell even if I don't know) that we are going to be getting down, the conversation becomes part of the foreplay. In effect, it is part and parcel of the sexual act itself.
When I lean in real close, get my lips as near to your ear as possible and ask you to tell me if you like....?
That's not just a fact finding mission it is building up the anticipation. Feel me?
As for the dude who disappeared after the sex, how do you know that the conversation was the reason he disappeared?
emti said:
"What I like/d with one guy might not be what I like with the new guy and if I've already told the new guy what my past likes were he not going to try out his best moves with me that I've may never have experienced."
Are you guys crazy? Do you not know how men operate? Men are way too competitive to want to put it on you the same way that some other dude did. Plus, if a man is even half way serious about pleasing you, he's giving you his good moves. Any man with half a brain knows that the best way to guarantee future sex, is to provide the woman in question with good sex. Plus, if you and your partner are open to each other there are always new things to discover together. The best way to figure out those new hot things.
And max, let me address this idea you have about the conversation not being romantic. I was recently talking with some friends about the movie 'Love Jones'. This flick is one of my all time favourite movies. In one of the the films early scenes the characters are discussing whether or not romance is dead. After every one has said their piece, my man Darius Lovehall chimes in and says something like:
"When people say that romance is dead, what they're really saying is that they've exhausted the possibilities"
As far as I can see, open, honest and flirtatious communication with your partner ensures that you never run out of possibilities....
maxfab 81p · 793 weeks ago
It's pretty obvious from this and all your other comments that you are a highly evolved dude; but please believe most men don't think like you do. So yes maybe with you this kind of conversation can become a part of foreplay and maybe you're too competitive to want to put in on me the same way the last man did. But to bank on the fact that the average dude is going to react that way is a huge gamble.
anon · 793 weeks ago
emti · 793 weeks ago
Sam Sharpe · 793 weeks ago
Sexual tension, the guessing, the imagination, all that good stuff can still be at play. Just because your man knows you like having your hair pulled doesn't mean that you'll know when, where and how that's going to happen.
Do you stop going to your favourite restaurant because you know what's on the menu?
Funny thing is that women are always complaining that men don't stop to ask for directions...explain to me how this is so different.
J-J · 793 weeks ago
every woman is different, you just have to figure out what type of woman she is, if you like her enough, you will adapt or she will adapt to your preferences in terms of discussing what you like and don't like.
CHeeKZ Money · 793 weeks ago
CHeeKZ Money · 793 weeks ago
Lets be real. No guy has the balls to ask a girl before he hits it "have you been tested? Do you always use a baggy? Do you partners who don't need magnums still pull them out trying to fool somebody?" Though if a potential partner sparked that conversation I would be more than willing to have it, esp since I just passed an STD test yesterday (YEAY ME!). Sometimes the talk is needed, b/c I had no idea I girl was that much of a freak before hand. And while I like to talk about how much of a perv I am, I don't like like to talk about the actual act of doing it before hand. I love surprises and experiences the look on someone's face. If this person is a partner who you intend to be with a while, you have plenty of time to whip them into shape. But the FIRST TIME, let them do what comes natural to them. Let go and let the person be themselves. Sure I need the base of my piece jerked off, not the mid shaft like most guys, but its not like her touching the midshaft the first time is going to kill the whole night. Let me see who you play with it.
maxfab 81p · 793 weeks ago
I can deal with possibly having the conversation as things progress, but doing it before the first time is again, anti-climactic and unromantic. I want the man to reveal himself to me without being influenced by what I've told him beforehand.
I'm even okay with the knowledge that not having the discussion decreases the likelihood that I'll get what I want because sex is like pizza right?
CHeeKZ Money · 793 weeks ago
sex can't be planned out like that.
maxfab 81p · 793 weeks ago