Max about town - Single Black Female at Toronto Centre for the Arts

This weekend I'm heading to see the play Single Black Female. I get a major late pass for waiting so long to write about this - it's a long story involving me not reading emails clearly and getting dates mixed up. But anyway. I'm going to see it and you should too. It's a two-woman show with rapid fire comic vignettes that explores the lives of these hip ladies as they search for love, clothes, and dignity. I'm pretty sure at least a few of you can relate and I know I will find something to write about.

It closes on Sunday (I know, I know - late pass!) but let's face it ladies, the men are occupied with the amazingness that is March Madness anyway so you might as well have a girl's night out. Here are the details:

VENUE:
Toronto Centre for the Arts, George Weston Recital Hall
5040 Yonge Street at Sheppard
www.tocentre.com

SHOW TIMES:
Saturday March 13- 8pm
Sunday March 14 -5pm
Friday March 19 -8pm
Saturday March 20 -5pm
Sunday March 21 -5pm

BOX OFFICE INFO:
Ticketmaster Phones - patrons call 416-872-1111 to order tickets by phone (service charges apply).
Ticketmaster online - patrons visit www.ticketmaster.ca to order tickets online (service charges apply).
Ticketmaster Outlets - patrons visit any Ticketmaster Outlet in Southern Ontario (service charges apply).
The Toronto Centre Box Office - patrons visit the Toronto Centre Box Office 11-6 Monday to Saturday, 12-4 on Sundays.
ToTix: online at www.totix.ca or In-Person at the T.O.TIX Booth located in downtown Toronto on Yonge-Dundas Square easily accessible by TTC (directly above Dundas Subway Station).
T.O.TIX is open from Tuesday-Saturday, 12noon-6:30pm
We give back: Part proceeds donated to various women's charitable organizations.
Visit www.SingleBlackFemaleThePlay.ca for more information.

SPONSORED BY:
Big it Up
Chakra Spa
CHRY
Ebony Soul
First Fridays
Harlem Restaurant
Mr. Caribbean
Novotel Hotel
Premier Jour
Softedge Consulting
Softsheen Carson

If you see the show, let me know what you think.

Yuck is in the Details

I'm not a romantic woman. I don't need soft music or rose petals to get me in the mood. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear will make me throw you out of bed. I think foreplay is over-rated. But there is one thing I insist on when it comes to secksy time: mood lighting.

It's not that I'm afraid of taking off my clothes with the lights on - I recognize that the minor imperfections that plague most women are virtually undetected by a man when he's looking at her naked. It's more that I think that certain parts of the body go down better with a little soft focus. In other words, I think vaginas and penises are effing ugly.

Let's really consider the vagina for a moment. Although it's often referred to as a flower, it looks more like a Venus Flytrap to me. I have no idea how any man can look at the gash head-on in broad daylight and say "yeah that looks like a safe place to stick my most prized possession".  I'm a woman and I can't make heads or tails of it - there are too many different colours and way too many nooks and crannies. Based on the way it looks, to me the vagina is like the Bermuda Triangle of human anatomy...some of the stuff that goes in there is never coming back out.

And then there's the penis. Lord knows I'm so very grateful for its invention, but I would really really prefer not to have to look at it full-on. It's...creepy. All those veins and different colours. And that weird slit at the top that looks like it's watching you.  If the vagina looks like a place you shouldn't go, the penis is like an extraneous third person who showed up out of nowhere. And don't even get me started on the uncircumcised ones. It's all just too much for my delicate constitution.

Now let me just say for the record that I recognize that being visually assaulted by seeing your partner's private parts is an essential part of sex. I accept that and it's not like I start freaking out and covering my eyes when a d*ck comes into view anymore. I'm just saying that all my sexual fantasies involve Idris Elba dim lighting. Because while God might be in the details when it comes to architecture, He was clearly looking elsewhere during the final approval of the private parts.

Happy Friday everyone!

Why are you yelling?

Once upon a time, a man and a woman lost their minds decided to move in together. The woman was easygoing and reasonable and the man was - well, not so much. Because of the woman's benevolence (and general superiority as a human being), on the rare occasions that the lovebirds fought, the arguments were quickly diffused by the woman, who valued peace over being right and was quick to offer up whatever was required to smooth things over; often it meant apologizing even though she was never not wrong.

One day the man and the woman were driving and got into a little disagreement. Before anyone knew what was happening, it erupted into a full-on fight. The man, having smoked crack or some other mind-altering substance, thought it would be a good idea to start yelling at the woman. And as he raged at her at a volume that was sure to break the sound barrier, the woman waited for a red light, got out of the car, went home and packed a bag. By the time the man made it home, the woman was on her way to Union station to catch the next train to her parents' house.

Seem a bit melodramatic to you?

As the woman in this fairytale, let me explain. I hate yelling. I will - and have - put up with a lot in my dealings with the opposite sex, but for me yelling is the point of no return; the exclusive domain of crazy bitches and soon-to-be-abusive boyfriends. And yet I hear stories all the time about people in relationships yelling at one another. I need someone to explain this to me. How is it ever okay for one hardback person to yell at another hardback person? This is what's hot in the streets? Are we so limited in our powers of communication that the only way we can express anger is through volume? Is yelling ever okay?

But back to my story. I never did get on the train that day. In the end, the man found me waiting at the bus stop and apologized to me. Profusely and sincerely (there were knees on the ground). It would have been a wholly satisfying experience if it weren't for his qualifier - "but I was mad".

Here's another thing I want you guys to explain to me, because "I was mad" is everyone's justification for yelling. If you can't help yelling at your SO when you get angry, what do you do when you boss pisses you off? Do you yell at him? If your mother enrages you (and Lord knows they do that), do you fly off the handle and tell her about her parts? I just don't buy it. I think the reason we yell at the one we love is that we've gotten a little too brave. At work, the fear of the pink slip will keep your anger in check. With Mommie Dearest, you know she will knock your teeth out if you raise your voice so you find a way to keep your cool. But with our mates it seems that our arrogance removes that little filter that tells us "this is not an appropriate way to speak to someone".

I warn the men that I get involved with from the beginning that I don't like yelling. Given the choice I would rather he curse me, spit at me, hell even piss on me before he raises his voice to me. And should he choose to do it anyway, he should be prepared for the consequences.

But tell me, oh collective voice of reason, am I way off-base here? Is yelling a normal part of the man-woman dynamic or am I within my rights to cut a dude who gets loud on me?

The 5 Men I've Never Met

I read UndressingHer's list of the 5 women he's never met and laughed my a$$ off. Here are the 5 men I've never met but desperately need to believe exist. If you're one of these types, get at me.

The 5 Men I’ve Never Met

1. The man who can disagree with me without trying to change my mind.

Ladies are familiar with the expression “agree to disagree” – why aren’t men? I like a man with an opinion on something other than Kobe vs. Lebron, but the ones who have one seem to want to shove it down my throat. Where is the man who will just let me think what I think?

2. The dapper dude who knows how to fix things.

Around these parts it seems I can either have a man who knows how to fix things but starts whining every time he has to wear a shirt with a collar or a man who can out-dress me but tells me to call my sister when I want to hook up my VCR. Where is the man who knows not to wear white socks with black shoes and also knows more about cars than I do?

3. A renaissance man who is not on his own nuts.
I love basketball and hip hop as much as the next dude, but I dream of finding a man with slightly broader horizons. I swear if I ever met a man who knew who Amiri Baraka is I would shoot my load right then and there. The trouble is, around these parts the nice guys seem to consider Family Guy high culture and the halfway cultured ones are self-satisfied pricks. Where is the middle ground?

4. A man who can talk about his feelings without being corny.
As I must have mentioned at some point or another, women learn everything about relationships from the movies. So what they want in life is a man who is going to ride up to their fire escape on a white horse and make a heartfelt declaration of his affection for her in front of her whole neighbourhood. Trouble is, when they do that it seems kinda...punkish, doesn't it? Have they invented the man who can make grandiloquent speeches about his feelings without looking like a herb?

5. A man who can f*ck who is not a complete a$$hole.
We've talked about this before. Why is it that the men who treat women like the bottom of their shoes are also the ones that can blow our backs out? Meanwhile, if we find a nice, respectful, mannerly man it's a guarantee he is a big snooze in bed. It's not fair. 


That's my wish list. Ladies - what type of man are you hoping to meet? Men - I'm not kidding, if you are one of these types let me know. I have an event coming up and I need a date!

The thing about squirting

For the past few weeks I've been immersing myself in the wonderful world of the female orgasm. Surprisingly enough, this is something I'd not given much thought to in my life. Now after Googling every possible iteration of "squirting girls", I'm on overload.
After a lot of marinating, this is what I've learned about squirting:

1. It freaks men the f*ck out.

I asked a lot of men about squirting and every one of them told me that the first time a girl squirted on them they freaked out and pushed her off them. They didn't know what it was and thought she was peeing on them. Now they like it.

2. It freaks women the f*ck out
Most women say that the first time they squirted they didn't know what the hell was happening to them. Apparently to novice squirters the sensation is similar to peeing so they try to hold it in.

3. Not on my sheets.

It seems men are down with squirting as long as it's happening on her sheets and she's sleeping in the wet spot.

4. Every girl can do it. Well, maybe.

I always thought some girls were squirters and some weren't. But it seems that may not be true. Apparently I can watch a video called Squirting for Dummies and learn how to become a human faucet myself.

5. It's not pee.

No one knows what it is that gushes out but it's definitely not pee. And that's really all the time I want to spend on that.

6. Guys take boosts off it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have read/heard about men saying that they feel like the f'in man (Hi Sam Sharpe) when a girl sqirts. It seems nothing makes a man feel like a king like a woman gushing some unidentified liquid all over him. 

For the first time ever, I have no opinion. To my knowledge I'm not a squirter but I have no aversion to becoming one. I don't think it's sexy but I don't think it's gross either. So on this wet drippy Friday tell me - what do you think about squirting? Like it? Hate it? Do it?