Don't call me baby

Oe of the most fun parts of a new relationship for me is figuring out what I'm gonna call him. I'm usually looking for two things; a pet name and a euphemism with which I refer to him when analyzing the minutiae of our relationship with mentioning him to friends. My euphemisms are usually descriptive; "the old one", "the young one", "waiter dude", "bathroom grabber", while my pet names are a little more problematic.

I tend to favour weird pet names (regular readers should connect this to my constant references to my first love as "Snickers"). I'm particularly partial to "cher" as a pet name - it's French for dear - but have yet to encounter a man who would allow me to call him that.  One of my best friends is programmed in my phone as "lovesponge" and most of my friends get a random "ers" tagged to their names somehow - I have a Manzers, and Jemmers, and a Vivers, for example. My sister will forever be known as Marshie-poo. But my absolute favourite thing to call people is "fuckface". I don't know where this came from or why I'm so attached to it, but once I get to liking someone, it starts to bubble out of my mouth seemingly beyond my control. As you can imagine, it does not go over so well.
In my checkered past, I've been known by many names - "Big Baby", "Indian", and "Mad Max", to name a few.  But by far the most popular pet name is, you guessed it: "baby". I'm not sure why Baby is such a common pet name, but I do my best to staunch the truth my reflex reaction - that it infanitilizes and therefore minimizes women. As much as I'm sure Simone de Beauvoir would agree with that theory, I suspect it has something more to do with the fact that caring about someone tends to inspire the desire to nurture, protect, and care for someone; just as you would a baby. Or maybe we all just listen to too much popular music.

At any rate, I've never been a big fan of being called Baby. It's far too generic for a weirdo like me. When it happens, I grin and bear it, but it's just another one of those little things that show me he's not the one.

And just in case my soulmate is somewhere out there reading this, here's a tip for you: don't call me Baby.