The Art of the Chase (Throwback Tuesdays)

aIn the old days, when I had my eye on a dude, I had one strategy: shameless and reckless pursuit. And although this method made for some great stories, it never really yielded optimal results.

But what is the right way to chase a man? And should we even be doing it? He’s Just Not that Into You says no. The whole premise of the book is that the excuses that women make for why men aren’t making an effort with them are just so much bullshit and if he was really into you he would make the effort. So should we women just leave it all in their hands?

Consider this scenario: a few years ago I got the feeling that a casual acquaintance of mine was flirting with me. I was getting vibes but I wasn’t quite certain where he was going with it – was he interested? was he just a flirt? was I reading into things? was he too shy to make a move? I just didn’t know and didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself by making a move on him. The whole thing would probably have fizzled out without anything significant happening had my uber-brilliant sister not stepped in. She mentioned to him at a party that if he wanted to make a move on me, she would be okay with that. And what do you know? A couple of days later he asked me out and everything was lovely after that (until we split up and he married someone else but that’s another story).

Knowing what I know about that dude now, I know that he would never have asked me out if my sister hadn’t let him know that his advances would be welcomed. So does that mean that he just wasn’t that into me? Or was that me/my sister taking a participatory role in the courtship dance rather than putting all the responsibility on the man?

Most women believe that men are dense. So we don’t believe that smiling with our eyes is enough for them to get the message. Instead we offer our numbers, ask for theirs, find them on facebook, befriend their friends, hunt them down at parties, and otherwise make ourselves so available that the man basically has to alter his behavioural patterns to get away from us. Ladies, I have something to tell you: shameless and reckless pursuit is not the business

Men are hunters and we must give them the opportunity to do that. Otherwise they just get bored and we have to work overtime to maintain their interest.

I have a new strategy these days and it goes like this: I give a man three signs that I would be open to his advances. Three subtle signs. If he doesn’t catch on after that he’s either a) too stupid for me or b)not interested in me and he either gets demoted to jump-off status or erased from my radar.

Ladies, how do you chase? Men, how do you like to be chased?

The Great Guy and the Regular Chick

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?
 
Last night I was gossiping talking to a girlfriend about a mutual friend of ours and his new-ish boo-piece. The dude is pretty dope. Very smart, highly educated and very well-read. Cultured and well-traveled but not obnoxious about it. He reads books and plays sports. Has good taste in music and movies. Attractive and well-hung built. And he's funny. He is, for lack of a better word, a great guy.

Now booski on the other hand is just...meh. She's a pretty girl, but in an entirely unspectacular way. Okay body dressed in the most generic offerings ever put forth by the regular girl trifecta of Old Navy/The Gap/Banana Republic. She's smart enough to follow the conversation when we all hang but seemingly without the ability to contribute to it. She's not funny but she's able to understand a joke and laugh unassumingly at it. Neither particularly friendly nor particular stand-offish. The kind of girl that you don't mind having around but who you don't miss when she's absent. She's not a reader or a sports fan and her taste in television shows is more The City than Lost, more The Hills than True Blood. Musically she's strictly Top 40. In short, she's just....regular.

Before hooking up with this girl, our buddy had been single for a long time. And being the kind of friends who like to discuss things repeatedly and ad nauseam, I had heard many times his spiel about how he was looking for exactly the right woman. While this guy is not arrogant in any sense of the word, he's well aware that he's a bit of a catch and was holding out for a woman who was a match for him. So the day he announced that he was bringing "someone for us to meet" to one of our hang out sessions, imagine our surprise when he showed up with a girl who was just...regular.

This is a phenomenon I've witnessed too many times. I'm fortunate to have a lot of dynamic men in my life; some exes, some cousins, some friends. And it seems that 99% of the time that these dudes wife up, the girl is just...milquetoast. Meanwhile my most interesting, most dynamic, funniest and coolest female friends remain perpetually single with ladyflowers drying up under the hot sun of celibacy.

What is up with that?

Being the loud mouths type of people we are, as soon as the opportunity arose my girl and I began to hammer our buddy with questions about her; progressing quickly through the polite "where did you meet/how did you get together" stuff and getting straight to the point - why her? His answer basically boiled down to that she was easy. Not easy in the sense of being a mattress, but easy in the sense of being drama free. Accommodating. Undemanding.

Well colour me high-maintenance, but I would shoot myself in the head if "easy" was my boyfriend's reason for being with me.

I'm aware now that pretty girls have a bad rep for being too much work...but is this also true about interesting girls? Smart girls? Funny girls? Stylish girls? Is a woman who is accommodating and easy but lacks a discernible personality really so preferable to one who might give you an occasional headache but who can excite you with her intellect or cajole you out of a bad mood with her humour? Should we as women stop focusing on being interesting and start working on being obsequious?

My informal twitter poll last night didn't yield any conclusive answers (sidebar: do you guys love how I always say "informal twitter poll" as if it's possible to have a "formal" poll on twitter??). There was a fair amount of people who mistook my definition of "regular" to mean pretty; therefore there were a fair amount of knee-jerk responses suggesting that the man has matured enough to value compatibility over looks. But don't get it twisted - pretty girls can be regular too. Being regular isn't about looks; to me it comes down to this: if someone asked me what you're like and I can't come up with five adjectives to describe your personality, you're regular. Because you have no distinguishing characteristics.

But anyway...what do you guys think? Is this dynamic guy-regular chick phenomenon one you've noticed before? Or is this just saltiness on the part of an interesting chick who can't find someone to take her to the outdoor movies at Harbourfront one of those things that can't be understood when you're looking at a relationship from the outside? Is there an inverse of this - dynamic women wifing regular dudes? And my gentleman - have you ever wifed a regular girl? Illuminate me in the comments.

Who Told You to Have Feelings (Throwback Tuesdays)

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?

Observe this conversation between fcuk buddies:

Girl: So can I come over tonight?
Boy: Nah, sorry I'm booked.
Girl: You're booked? What does that mean?
Boy: I mean I already have plans. Sorry.
Girl: Oh with another girl? Oh so it's like that then? Okay fine. Have fun. Talk to you later.
Boy: (confused) okay, um, bye.

Two days later...

Girl: You know you really hurt my feelings the other day...
Boy: (no memory of the above conversation) I did, how?
Girl: When I said I wanted to come over and you said you were booked.
Boy: *stupefied silence*

Ladies, I'm going after you today. You're wrong in three ways on this one:

1. Use of the phrase “another girl”

This implies that you thought you thought that you were the only girl. And the very fact that you are on fcuk buddy status with this dude should tell you that that is not the case. In fact, more times than not, you are the “other” girl.

2. Being Passive Aggressive

Saying “Okay fine. Have fun then” in a pissy tone of voice is a classic girl move that does not work. When men are in situations like this, they hear words, not inflections and not the feelings behind them. So if you're saying '”have fun” he's hearing “have fun” and moving on with his life. And you know you're pissed and you don't want him to have fun so why not try saying what's on your mind? I told you before, men are not mind readers. If you're disappointed that you can't get together then say something and maybe you guys can work something out.

3. Using the “F” word

“You hurt my feelings'”? Girl, you are out of bounds here. Who told you feelings were allowed in a fuck buddy relationship? A fuck buddy relationship by definition is a casual, non-exclusive, no-strings attached type of deal. If you're getting your feelings hurt because dude has plans with another girl, you're obviously not built for this type of thing and you need to keep it moving.

In my opinion, 99% of girls in the world are not built for casual sex. Not because they catch feelings (although you're wrong for doing it) but because they seem to think that the dude should care about said feelings. Ladies, if he wanted to care about your feelings you'd be wifey, not jump-off. So please either keep them to yourself or recognize your limitations and stick to feelings-friendly zones like relationships.

That’s my rant for today, but what say you dear readers? Are feelings okay in a fcuk-buddy relationship or should they be checked at the door with inhibitions? Have you ever been the girl or boy in this scenario? Discuss.

Good Looks for Girls

If you're a longtime or dedicated reader of mine you know that I am a throwback girl. I'm that handwash your dirty draws, Cater to You is my theme song,  wake up at 3:00am to cook for you, Stepford Wife kinda chick who also knows how to get freaky in the bedroom. Remember a few years back when that excerpt from a 1950's Home Ec textbook about how to keep your husband happy was circling the internets? I'm the only woman you know who read that and said, "f*cking right!".

As you can imagine, part and parcel of this way of life is being a total girly-girl; which I am potty mouth notwithstanding. I like to dress nicely and wear makeup and I don't like getting dirty. I don't play sports and I don't believe I was put on earth to plunge toilets or take out the garbage so I call my ex over when it needs to be done.

That being said, there are certain "man moves" that, when undertaken successfully by a woman, are hella sexy. So I advise all my female readers to master them posthaste to give you that extra leg up in the dating wars. These are your trump cards that you keep close to your vest...then when the time is right you whip them out and lay them on his ass and then quickly revert to your girly girl self, leaving him staring dumbfounded and with a gigantic hard-on.

Sidebar: This post was inspired by a Twitter conversation between my e-girls MsEsquire77 and Nick_L_Odeon...the list is a modified version of MsEsquire's. Thanks ladies! Ready? Okay!

Manly Moves that are a Good Look on a Girl


1. Play a good game of poker/dominoes/chess/All Fours etc.

There is a school of thought that women are not good at games that involve strategy because we lack a logical mind. Now many women disagree with that but they are wrong and will argue to the death with any man who gives voice to this theory. That is not the right way to prove your point ladies. The right way to show off your logical mind is to master a logical game like any of the above, innocently ask to join him the next time he's playing with the boys, and then kick all their asses.

Bonus: This is a brilliant strategy because it will let you know definitively what kind of man you are dealing with. A panty meat will be emasculated by your victory and will lash out at you in a childish and hurtful way to punish you for embarassing him. A good dude will be impressed. And turned on.

Max can you do this? I never really learned how to play poker or chess but I'm pretty good at dominoes and I will hang your Jack in All-Fours. Or I will Euchre you, for my non-Trini readers.

2. Shoot pool without looking like an idiot.

This could have been included with #1, but I kept it separate because it has one key difference - the physical aspect. See a lot of girls suggest pool as a date activity because they know they suck and they know the man will feel compelled to coach them. And that said coaching involves the man pressing up close behind her to show her how to hold the cue properly. Therefore, if you're going on a pool date, chances are the dude is expecting to be pressed up on your backside before the night is through. Imagine his surprise when he realizes that won't be necessary. And we all know the element of surprise is key in keeping a man's attention, right?

Bonus points: If you're actually good enough at pool to beat him.

Max can you do this? Sadly, no. Although we had a pool table in my house when I was growing up and I know how to play, my lack of hand-eye coordination makes getting the balls in the hole a big challenge.

4. Fix your car

Now I'm not suggesting that you jack your sh*t up and change your own transmission because really, what man knows how to do that these days? But if you are a woman (such as myself) who can select and replenish all the necessary fluids in her car, you're good. If you can replace your own wiper blades, you're better. And if you can change your own oil, you're golden.

Bonus points: Wear some Daisy Dukes while you're doing this a la Dukes of Hazard and see if you don't own your man for life after this.

Max can you do this? All my adult life I thought I was the dopest woman in the world because I know how to do an oil change, but then Ms. Nick_L_Odeon had to shame me by tweeting about changing her breaks and now I must concede my title to her. Bitch

5. Drive stick

I once asked a man what's so sexy about a woman driving a stick. He said "I don't know...I just look at her and I think drive that car girl!" Maybe not the best explanation ever, but every man I know is turned on by a woman who can drive standard and none has ever explained it better than that. I'm guessing it has something to do with watching you handle that shaft and imagining you handling his shaft...

Bonus points: None. But you really don't need them here.

Max can you do this? Effing right I can!

Ladies, what do you think? Can you do any of this stuff? Have you found that it impresses men when you do? And my men - are you turned on by a woman who can do these things?

Guest Post - Getting In The Path of Destruction

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the comments of my post about busy dudes, my buddy Dr. J advised getting in the path of destruction when dealing with an overstimulated man. I wished for a guest post on the subject and like the fairy godblogger he is, he promptly delivered it. This is why I heart him and you should too.

With men being at a premium in the world today, most men aren’t making it easy for women to get at them. The men that most women want are busy, successful, and not trying to chase every skirt they can get their hands on. So how does a woman get a guy who seems too busy for romance?

Let me start by backing up for a moment and explaining something to the reader. A man who is busy spends his free time letting loose. A lot of people expect a man who is busy to spend his free time with his significant other. This negates the fact that he probably wants to have time to himself, hang out with friends, and get wasted when he’s not working. Women don’t seem to understand this. Short-sightedness.

Nonetheless a good man is hard to find, and more frustrating than trying to find a good man, is finding one you can’t have. Women always want to know where men are, I’d argue that they know exactly where men are they just can’t hook him. I’ve always thought of relationships like this, if you want some water, why not go to the well? If you want some milk, why not go to the cow? A lot of people are waiting for a Deer Park truck to show up at their doorstep and deliver them a man, but it would be so much easier if they’d just go get the man.

So women, start in the following places when looking for a man: the gym, local happy hour lounge, metro and Starbucks. Why? Because these are places that men hang out at. You may be worried about sweating your hair out, but just wash and set it once you get home and you’ll have a fresh hairdo and a man. A lot of women claim they don’t meet men in the club… but you’re single. Something’s not adding up. If you see a guy who catches your eye, why not find a way to get in his path of destruction? And if that place is a club, then I’d recommend you start frequenting that club a lot more than you currently do. If you notice that the guy you want goes to Cosi everyday for lunch at noon, why not be in Cosi everyday at noon?

I heard this story about a guy who found his wife by standing on a corner he had seen her walk past once for two months. He would plop himself down on the sidewalk every day at lunch for an hour and just wait for her to walk by. He didn’t know that she was only in that part of town to run an errand. But you know what? One day she had to run that errand again and he was able to meet her. They were married for over 50 years.

Some women are worried about seeming desperate or thirsty. One of the most frequent pieces of advice I ever give is that people should stop worrying what people think about their love life. At the end of the day, the opinions of people who you aren't sleeping with will keep you single and alone. If you want to have a man in your life and you’ve identified who you’d like to find that vacancy, get in his path of destruction. You might seem desperate but it’s only short term because soon you will look and be satisfied and all those who judged you will be still single. They will be the same ones sitting around at a happy hour spot with all women talking about how men ain’t skit.

#kanyeshrug on this post. I’m just trying to keep it real and give the best advice I can give. In other news, it seems that you are in great health, Dr. J thinks you’ve been doing a great job lately. In short, “You’re beautiful. If no one else told you that today, let me be the one.”

So ladies, what do you think of Dr. J's strategy? Do you hunt your prey in his natural habitat or wait for him to find you? Men do you rate this strategy?



And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.
 

Not Such a Proper Young Lady

Some tidbits about me:

Among my favourite songs (click title to read the lyrics):

Wildflower - Ghostface Killah

Stapleton Sex - Ghostface Killah

Oochie Wally - QB's Finest

Big Booty Hoes - Notorious B.I.G. & Too $hort

Among my favourite words:

cock

cunt

fuckery

pussy

basically every dirty word known to man (©emti)

Among my favourite movies:

Doggystyle

It may surprise you to know that I was raised to be a proper young lady. At thirteen I was being taught how to walk in heels (with books on my head), how to sit properly, how to apply makeup and tweeze my brows. I was never supposed to be seen in public not dressed "properly" or with my hair not "properly" done. If I were to smoke (which a proper young lady should never do) I was to never, ever allow someone to take a picture of me with a cigarette in my hand because that is the epitome of unladylike. I learned that it's not ladylike to curse, raise your voice, or remove your shoes in public.

Yeah so um, if you've been on this blog even once before I'm sure you know how most of that turned out. With the exception of my fierce stiletto walk and aversion to people being barefoot in public, most of my ladylike training went out the window a long time ago. Though sometimes shy, I can be brash, bold, abrasive, loud, and downright raunchy when I'm ready. In a nutshell, I like dirty words, dirty songs, and dirty boys.

I have always considered my perpetually single status to be completely incidental to my unladylike personality. But lately I've been wondering whether the two might be connected. On the one hand, I've seen many times a man's eyes light up when he hears me say something like 'that's a lot of work for some pussy'. And lord knows my male friends love to hear me tell them 'you gotta learn how to treat a ho like a ho!' not that they ever listen. It is an indisputable fact of life that real men delight in my special brand of bold raunchiness.

It is also a fact though that these men are not trying to date me. And it's also a fact that the women they are trying to date are not raunchy like me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not without behaviour. I know that there is a time and a place for this kind of talk and I can squelch it and do the 'proper Christian lady' routine when required; but it's not me and I don't do it unless I have to. But I'm wondering if my idea of  'when I have to' might be a little off.  I know enough to leave raunchy max at home when I'm meeting my man's mother for the first time, but should I leave her home when I meet him? When I meet his friends? For the duration of our relationship?  If I want to be a wifey do I have to first be a lady?

The older I get the more I think that what my mother and aunties taught me as a teen was the right idea. I think that being bold, outspoken, and dirty will gain you many male friends but not a husband. Not that I'm in any way looking for that.  But just like I'm starting to think that crazy gets the guy, I'm starting to also believe that lady gets the guy.

As always ladies and gentlemen, I want to hear your thoughts. You guys have been extra quiet lately and it's hurting my feelings. So tell me ladies, is being ladylike important to you? Do you strive to appear ladylike with a prospective date even if it's not your true nature? Do you let a man see your rough side? Men - is being ladylike an important quality in a prospective wifey? A prospective beat? Ooops - a proper young lady wouldn't refer to a woman as a beat, would she? Anyway - educate me people. 

Oh and Sam Sharpe I'm calling you out again - you gave me a good answer last night on twitter but share it here again for your fans please.

The No-Cry Zone

As a woman who is blessed with many male friends, I hear a lot of stories about sex. First-time sex in particular. And lately I've noticed an alarming trend among these stories. Far too many of them end with "and then she started crying". Yep. They start crying. It seems women all over the world city are meeting men in clubs, at brunch, online, going home and f*cking them, and then crying talking about they've never done this before and they're not that kind of girl.

Oh ladies - I have such a bone to pick with you. You cannot do this. You simply cannot. First of all, there is only one reason to cry during sex. That is when the shit is so good that you just spontaneously burst into tears (Sidebar: has this ever happened to you? It's amazing). That's the only reason it's ever okay to cry during sex. Period.

Second, if you're going to start crying during sex because you're so consumed with worry that the man won't respect you afterward, at least have the decency to make up a lie when he asks you why you're crying. If you're scrambling for a good line, try "the shit was so good I just spontaneously burst into tears". Men love that.

Third, if you meet a man and go home with him that same night and f*ck him, you are that kind of girl. There's no equivocation about that. You need to accept it and own it. And you know what? There are worst kinds of girls to be.

Now if you're one of these idiots girls who does this, you're probably wondering why it's such a big deal. Well, beside the fact that it's really (really) pathetic, let me tell you something - dumb asses like you make life more difficult for normal women. Because of girls like you who can't handle casual sex, men who just want to bone find it necessary to lie about it. Because they're afraid we're gonna do exactly what you did - act stupid. So please, as a gesture of goodwill toward your fellow women, effing stop it.

This is the part of the post where I ask you if you have any experience with the topic but honestly ladies, if you've ever cried after sex because you feared that the man wouldn't respect you, I want you to get off my site don't want to hear about it. Actually same goes for any man reading who has done this. But if anyone out there has a compelling reason why this might be okay, I'd love to hear it.

5 Reasons Why You Didn't Count

Love is a game and we all have a score. But unfortunately for all of us, your score isn't calculated based on your virtues, it's based on your bedmates. And scoring too high can be the kiss of death for some girls.

Now plenty of people will argue that in this day and age the number of partners we've had shouldn't matter and is no one's business. Most people don't even ask the question anymore. But please believe that plenty of girls would find themselves suddenly single if their number were to be disclosed to their man.

To solve this problem, we gals have come up with a system that enables us to tell the truth without telling the truth damaging our chances with a prospective mate. While we're compiling our mental list to arrive at our final count, we simply add "but that didn't count" at the end of any name we wish to strike from our history. Brilliant, no?

Now the reason this method of creative accounting is different from outright lying is that you can't just discount any man you want. A man in your past has to meet certain criteria to be disqualified from your list. So men if you're wondering if that santeria you put on the girl from the club last week is going to end up with a big red line through it, let me share with you the top 5 reasons a woman can cross you off her list:

1. It was a one-time thing.

You can't cross a boyfriend off your list unless you're me, but think of a one-night stand as something lightly scribbled in pencil on the notepad of our sexual history. A gal who meets a man, hooks up with him once, and goes on her merry way never to hear from him again is highly unlikely to rank that encounter as worthy of adding an extra digit to her number. Especially if her score is 9 or 19.

2. She was drunk.

This is the only one I've never used, simply because I don't drink.But please believe that if you slammed a girl while she was polluted with drunkenness she woke up the next morning and crossed your name off her list quicker than you can say lying ho. Please believe that.

3. She was on the rebound and/or she's out of your league.

Sometimes when a girl gets her heart broken, she just needs you to slip in a quick one to speed up the recovery process. No girl who has been dumped wants to walk around knowing that the man who rejected her was the last one to touch her lady parts so in a moment of weakness, she will succumb to another man's advances just to erase the ex-boo's stench from her memory. In the same way that eating a greasy breakfast when you're hungover doesn't count as cheating on your diet, sleeping with a human gorilla when you're heartbroken doesn't mean you've added a number to your list.

Sidebar: this only works when the dude is highly unsuitable. If a girl gets dumped and slams Idris Elba in retaliation, she's putting him on her list. And telling the ex-man about it.

4. He was a friend.

We're not talking about a fuck-buddy here, because you can't really cross a fuck-buddy off your list. But if you're the male bestie of a hot girl and you occasionally get it on with her, you are not on her list. No way, no how. That's a waste of a number.

5. No one knows.

Any woman with half a brain knows that if the sex was a secret it doesn't count. So if you're lying there in post-coital bliss and she whispers "we can keep this just between us, right?", just get up and draw a line through your existence because you absolutely do not count.

6. It was weak sauce
I almost forgot this. Thank you Honey Matthews for reminding me! If the shit was less than five minutes, your piece is less than an inch long, or you couldn't stay hard, you do not count.

Those are my top reasons, but as usual my blogging boy Dr. Jay has done it better over here. Take a peek. You'll laugh your ass off.

So tell me ladies, have you ever crossed a name off your list? Men would you be offended if a woman decided that sex with you didn't count?

PSA for Ladies - The Toilet Seat is not that Deep

I've been meaning to rant on this for a minute and now the time has come. Ladies I'm talking to you today and I have only one question: what is it with you and the toilet seat? No - seriously....what is it?

I lived with a man for I don't know how many years and he never once put the toilet seat down when he was finished with it. Never. And do you know how many times I accidentally fell in the toilet? Never. Because I checked before sitting down. Don't you all do that?

And really - how did down become the default position for toilet seats anyway? Let's really examine this. As far as I can see, the toilet has 5 main purposes:

1. For a lady to pee in
2. For a man to pee in
3. For a lady or man to poop in
4. For vomiting
5. For cleaning

Hmm...so out of 5 possible uses, 3 require the seat to be up. And yet you're still complaining? I don't get it.

The way I see it, complaining about the toilet seat is a little like the boy who cried wolf. You know what I mean? It's like you waste so much time complaining about something so frivolous that when you have legitimate beef the man is already tired of hearing your mouth. You're destroying your own credibility because you don't want to take a half a second to look down at the seat before you sit in it. Does that make any sense?

Ladies - any of you out there agree with me or is this further evidence that I am really a man?

The Next Girl

 Even when they’re done properly, there are a lot of things that suck about breakups. The missing, the crying, the what-ifs, the things he left behind – it’s all a big ball of misery. But for women the worst part of a breakup is discovering that her ex has a new girl. Whether it happens two weeks or two years later and no matter whether she was the dumper or the dumped, no woman can claim to be unaffected by the fact that another woman is occupying her position of honour in the ex man’s life.

The emergence of the next girl kicks us into detective mode; I think the expression “know thy enemy” was created for this very situation. We creep Facebook and Twitter, we snoop, we make subtle inquiries, we put our friends on full-on spy alert to find out what we can about this interloper. For some reason, women have to compile a dossier on the next girl, the contents of which determine how we feel about the situation.

Top 5 things we need to know about the next girl.

1.  Her name.

Knowing the next girl’s name is critical. It helps us determine what “kind” of girl you’re dealing with – we think we can tell things like whether she’s pretty, smart, or classy by her first name. It’s patently ridiculous, but it’s essential information.

2.  How long has this been going on?

We need to know whether we need to cut her the next time we see her. Obviously if her stint overlaps ours, she’s a dead gyal walking. If she allowed for a reasonable mourning period before swooping in for the kill, we’ll let her live. For now.

3.  Is she prettier than I am?

Most girls are highly aggrieved if they find out that the next girl is prettier than she is. But as someone who has had the experience of the next girl who favours one ol' piece of dry up cho-cho, let me tell you there is nothing more insulting than the fact that your ex man would rather be with an ugly girl than you. Same logic applies to intelligence and success.

4. Are you being nicer to her than you were to me?

I dealt with a man once who never wanted to go anywhere with me. I don’t know if it was laziness or cheapness or he had another woman (or all three) but it was like pulling teeth to get this guy out on the road with me. When we split up I wasn’t that upset and I was only slightly irked when I found out about the next girl, but you cannot imagine the throat punch I wanted to give him when I started seeing him running the streets with her.

5.    Do you like her better than me?

About 90% of women’s irrational behaviour comes from the fact that we need to be #1 in a man’s life. It’s why women complain about anything that takes a man’s attention away from her. So while we might be able to tolerate you distracting yourself from your pain in the arms of a dumber, uglier, woman whom you treat like a dog; if we get the slightest inkling that you actually prefer her, someone’s getting a beating.

6. Does she know about me? Like, really?
Old heads such as myself may remember the first episode of Ally McBeal when she goes to work to find out she'll be working along side her ex and his new wife. She asks the ex if the next girl knows about her and he says "yes I told her we dated." Ally is not happy. Because "we dated" was not putting enough significance on their relationship. The ex girl wants the next girl to know how much you loved her so she feels appropriately threatened.

It pains me to admit it, but this is one area in which I am just like every other girl. As the girl who gave her ex the most spectacular pep talk before he walked down the aisle, I qualify for the title of coolest ex in the world but I still get irked by the next girl. Call me irrational, but I don't like the feeling that I've been tossed aside for someone inferior.

Ladies - are you with me on this one? Men - how do you feel about the next man?

Is the grass ever greener?

The dearth of romance in relationships is something I touched on in yesterday's post; and judging from the feedback I got, it's a hot topic for a lot of people. A lot of women who read the post called me or emailed me to bemoan the fact that once a man gets comfortable in a relationship, he stops doing the romantic things he did in the beginning. Now I don't know if I necessarily subscribe to one commenter's theory that monogamy=monotony; but I have been around long enough to know that most people in relationships lead with the good foot, so to speak. When we meet someone new we're all about the wooing - whether it's buying flowers and gifts for your lady or feigning interest in your man's favourite sport. But as we become comfortable, going that extra mile seems to become too much effort.

But how we deal with the death of romance is an interesting thing. From my observations of men, it seems that the less appreciated they feel the less effort they put in. If a man tries to do something nice for his lady and he does it wrong she doesn't show adequate appreciation or criticizes his efforts, he's disinclined to try it again. What he will do instead is find another source of that manly feeling he was looking for. And nine times out of ten that source is another woman's pu$$y. He's not necessarily looking to end the relationship, he just taking a little boost from time to time.

But what does a woman do if she feels unappreciated by her man? Well they do a lot of things; cheating is one of them - as much as the ladies want to believe that men are solely responsible for the world's cheating, we do our dirt too. Some women take the "nag and bitch" approach. But far and away the most common reaction for women in this situation seems to be to become fixated on the fantasy that the next man will be better.

Consider this scenario:  a woman in a relationship with a man who doesn't romance her like he used to gets to talking with another man. This might be someone she just met, or an old standby; a friend who has always been there waiting to pounce for her. She confides in him that her man isn't doing what he used to. He starts to give her the talks; "Baby if I was your man I would _____", he betrays the man code by agreeing with her assessment of her man's behaviour. And he starts laying on the compliments. The woman starts thinking that maybe Mr. Next Man is a better match for her and grows even more disillusioned with the current man. Next thing you know, the current man is out and the next man is in. Fast forward three months - the flowers have dried up, the compliments have stopped, and Mr. Next Man spends just as much time playing NBA 2K10 as the last dude did. The woman looks around and asks herself, what happened?

What happened is this: she played herself. She forgot that men are hunters and they cannot resist ripe prey. Is there anything more appealing to a man than the opportunity to steal a next man's woman? Honestly I think they'd try it even if they weren't feeling the girl, just to say they did it.

What is it about us women that makes us forget that the grass is rarely greener? I have to admit that even I have fallen for this trick, and I still don't know why. I guess it's because being wooed is like kryptonite for women. Just as men are powerless to resist free pum pum, women lose their minds over compliments, empty though they may be.

Ladies have you ever fallen for this trick? Men have you ever stolen a woman just because you could? Enlighten me.

Things Women Shouldn’t Say to Men

I don’t usually write response posts, but Slim Jackson’s Things Men Shouldn’t Say to Women  had me howling…and got me thinking. Slim is right on the money with his list, but ladies we need this list even more than men do.

We need to talk

Maybe you do, but that opener is not working for anyone. It just fills a man with dread and makes him want to get away from you as quickly as possible.

How do I look? and Do I look fat in this?

In both cases, what you’re looking for here ladies is less a truthful answer and more something to gas up your heads. Unfortunately, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who will even glance up from the game to look at you before answering, what you’ll get is either a protracted once-over followed by a “Good” or a “No”. Or you’ll get the truth. And you probably won’t like it. So just skip it.

Which one of my friends would you eff?

Why oh why would you ask this? What could you possibly hope to gain from knowing which of your friends stars in your man’s masturbatory fantasies? Just leave it alone ladies. Trust me when I tell you you don’t want to know the answer to this.

My ex used to….

Insert good or bad behaviour here. Telling your man that your ex used to buy you flowers “just because” or saying that he used to have textual relations with other girls and that's why you can’t stop yourself from going through his phone is probably going to lead to an invitation that you go reunite with said ex, since you’re so fixated on him.

My girls say…

I think men have resigned themselves to the fact that women discuss the most minute details of their relationships with their girlfriends. They probably don’t get it or like it, but they accept it. But that doesn’t mean that they are interested in hearing your girlfriends’ co-sign on your latest grievance against your man. Besides which, if the only supporting argument you can come up with is “even my friends think you’re wrong”, your point is probably weak.

You don’t ____ like you used to

The blank can be filled in with things such as compliment me, kiss me hello/goodbye, go down on me, wanna hang out with me, and other such acts. And I’m not saying it isn’t a legitimate complaint. It’s a sad fact of life that the beginning of a relationship is packed with romance and ego-boosting compliments, which quickly fade once he hits it you become comfortable with each other, but I’ve yet to see this tactic achieve the desired results. You’re more likely to be accused of being insecure. Or a nag. Or both.

You love your friends more than you love me

Ladies, men need their men time. You need to get that. The relationship between your man and his boys is sacred and you need to stay outside of it. If you love your man, don’t ask to come along to boy’s night and please oh please don’t ask him to stay home and hold you when he’s supposed to go watch the fight with the fellas. This is a competition you cannot win. Or maybe you can, but it would probably mean your man’s a punk and you don’t want him anyway.
Also, using the phrase "your stupid-ass friends" in any capacity is probably not going to score you any points. They're non-negotiable so just grin and bear it.

Who’s that girl?

Who’s that girl that wrote on your wall on Facebook? That you just nodded to on the street? That you retweeted? That you spoke to at the club? A woman’s need to know the name, rank, and serial number of every female who crosses her man’s path just screams desperation. And psychosis. So please don’t.

Do you know how many other men want me?

We know men thrive on competition, but this is not the move. This is what a girl says when she’s not getting what she wants from a man, but I doubt it ever achieves the desired effect. Any man worth his stones can only respond to this by inviting her to, in the immortal words of Method Man “go find another sucker, yo”.

Did you eff her?

Just as Slim said, this question rarely yields a truthful answer. And if it does, you may not like it. So just leave it alone!

Ladies do you say these things? Think I’m wrong? Men did I miss anything? Drop your wisdom on me in the comments.

The High Maintenance Woman

I was reading one of Christianaa’s rants the other day about high maintenance women. It was interesting and of course set the little wheels in my brain spinning. Then I stopped by The Book of Jackson today and he was talking about something similar. So I thought I'd explore the phenomenon of the high maintenance woman.

Ah the high maintenance woman. No one likes her, but who is she really? I did a little poll on twitter this morning asking what makes a woman high maintenance and this is a sampling of what I got:

@sirron said “if she demands too much of your time”.

@readbeanpie said “that mostly concerns high priced clothing purchases and many self beautification procedures at a high occurence rate”

@camerontilbury said “The same things that make a guy high maintenance” (I begged to differ with that one)

Most of the women who answered my poll said that they considered themselves high maintenance, but that they maintained themselves. That's a pretty common point of view in this city where there is a dearth of men willing to put one iota of effort into maintaining a woman. But that's another post for another day.

I definitely consider myself to be high maintenance, but not in the way you might think. I don't want to be given nice things and I don't require a man to treat me like a princess (though this may be my downfall), but I do have certain...let's say idiosyncrasies that I expect a man to understand and work with. Though I'm extremely easy-going in a relationship, I'm not easy and any man I'm involved with is going to have to work hard to navigate the labyrinth that is me. But is that high maintenance?

I'm not sure whether I'm convinced that being a high maintenance woman is necessarily a bad thing. I've talked in the past about how bad behaviour seems to be rewarded in relationships and I know from my own experience that being too laid back is not a good thing. And we all know that in a relationship we will only be treated as well as we demand, so isn't there something to this whole high maintenance thing? Or maybe the better question is, what is a reasonable amount of maintenance we can expect from a partner without crossing the line into high maintenance?

On the other hand though, I think the whole high maintenance thing may have been invented by some evil genius man to keep women down. Sounds extreme, but hear me out. Like the "angry black woman", isn't the high maintenance woman really nothing more than someone who has clear ideas in her mind about how she wants to be treated and asks for that treatment? Is there anything wrong with that really? This is of course based on the assumption that said woman is returning the treatment that she demands for herself; if she doesn't, isn't she just a bitch?

Men help me understand this. Is there a difference between a high maintenance woman and a selfish b*tch?

The Way Men Think Part II

Yesterday's post was rattling around in my brain for quite some time before my life calmed down enough to give me time to write it. While I was marinating on it, I came up with the idea for this post which I also wanted to call 'The way men think' and there you have it - a two-part series. Anyway. Here we go.

As a perpetually single hot girl with a...shall we say somewhat "open" point of view when it comes to sex and relationships, I've collected more than my share of two things - guy friends and disrespect. And how these two things play off each other is quite an interesting phenomenon...but I'll get to that in a second.

Disrespect is something I don’t blog about very often…mostly because it’s subjective. What to me would feel like a slap in the face is to other people noting more than a harmless joke. Case in point: a woman I know once casually mentioned to me that she doesn’t wear capri pants because her husband said they make her legs look like tree trunks. I asked her if she punched him in the face when he said that and she just gave me a puzzled look. See? Disrespect is in the eye of the beholder.

There’s no way a woman can be single and getting her swerve on and not run into disrespectful behaviour every now and again. Eff what you heard, most men cannot handle a sexually liberated woman and will do what they can to make her feel like a ho. They key is to remember that he is participating in the very same behaviour for which he is judging you. In other words, if I’m a ho, what does that make you?  Men never realize that while they’re removing a woman from their potential wifey list for being too easy that the woman might be doing the same thing back to them.

Anyway. The thing about most of my male friends is that they are also the perpetrators of the greatest disrespects against me. Without getting into detail in case they’re reading this, let’s just say that collectively they are guilty of the most grievous crimes ever committed against me. Why then, are they still my friends? A good question and another post for another day, but what it basically comes down to is compartmentalization.

Now one of my most favourite things to do in life is to tell my male friends stories about rude things that other men have done to me. Ladies if you’re looking for a knight in shining armour just try this out: think of the worst thing a man has ever done to you. Now go find that man and tell him a story of some other bad thing another dude did. The level of outrage and righteous indignation that you will see come out of him will make you feel like Dakota Fanning in that movie where Denzel Washington was hired to protect her. I tell you – it feels great.  Until you start to think about it.

The way men think is that there’s no issue with getting on their moral high horse when another dude does something f*cked up to his female friend…even if he’s done the same or worse to her a million times. More than that, they way men think is that it’s okay to also judge said female friend for understanding or forgiving the f*cked up behaviour of the next man, all the while conveniently forgetting that that same forgiving nature is the only reason he’s still around. I think of this as the male version of cattiness.

Now I should note here that I’m not in any way condemning men for their way of thinking – some of my most favourite readers are men and I certainly don’t want to piss them off. I’m just saying.

The Way Men Think Part I

Happy New Year Everyone!

I promised I'd be back in January and here I am. Things are finally settling down over in the three-dimensional world and now I can give you the attention you so rightly deserve. Hope you haven't given up on me!

Anyway. Okay so about a month ago my sister and I were headed to Jully's show at Nathan Phillips Square but when we got in her car it wouldn't start. The lights and the radio came on but it was just making some kind of weird noise and that's it. Now I'm no Monalisa Vitto, but I do know enough about cars to have at least a vague idea what's wrong when one dies. So when we called my dad to get an over the phone diagnosis, I was a bit skeptical when he started telling us it was the battery. Okay, I damn near shouted 'LIAR' into the phone. Despite my protestations that the lights, horn, etc. were functioning normally, he insisted that I bang on the battery cables with 'something heavy' and when that didn't work, call my ex-un-boyfriend/roommate/bff to give us a boost. We didn't.
Fast forward to the next morning when Marshie-poo and I call the tow truck. The driver comes and asks us what the problem is and we tell him it won't start but it isn't the battery. And what does he do? Spends about 10 minutes banging on the battery thingies and another 10 trying to boost it. While we stand around waiting in the freezing cold I might add.  As the long dramatic saga of getting the car fixed went on, various men that we dealt with persisted in investigating the health of the battery despite our - okay my - repeated assurances that we did not have a battery problem. 48 hours and a lot of standing around in the cold later, do you want to know what was wrong with the car? It was the starter. Yup.
Now if you read this story and thought that it would turn out that I was wrong all along and the battery was the problem, guess what? You're a man. That's just the way men think.
I have only one rule that I actually stick to in my dealings with men. I don't discuss cars, hip hop, or sports with them unless I agree with them or know nothing about the specific topic. Why, you ask? Because 99% of men do not give a woman's opinion on the aforementioned subjects any credence whatsoever. That's just the way men think. No matter how flimsy their knowledge of the subject may be, no matter how well-thought out and researched your argument is, that man is programmed to think that what you're saying is bullshit and he's either going to argue with you to the ends of the earth or wait until you're gone and spend hours looking for research that supports his flawed point of view. Either way, it's pointless.  Take my advice ladies, and hold your counsel when these topics come up in mixed company. Unless you feel like banging your head against the wall. In which case you should just do that. It'll hurt less.

The 10 Commandments

My absolute favourite part of Secrets of a Black Boy was what they called "How to Get a Man in 10 Easy Steps".  As soon as they said that I was scrambling for my blackberry to get them down so I could share them with you. It's not actually a step-by-step plan to get a man, but more like some commandments to help you keep one. And of course, my two cents on each of them.
Ready? Here you go:

1. Never give it up in the first month
I agree with the sentiment behind this, but not the arbitrary timeline. I do think that the unevolved man will think less of a woman if she gives it up too early, but at the same time I don't think waiting is a guarantee of anything.

2. Never go to bed in a head tie
You already know what I think about this one. I won't say don't go to bed in a head tie, but it is important to preserve your sexy. Head tie + flannel cow-printed pajamas is not what's hot in the sheets.

3. Stop your partying ways
This one I don't really get. Apparently there is something wrong with a girl who is in the clubs too much, but I'm not really clear on what that is. If there is a man out there who would care to illuminate me, I'd be ever so grateful.

4. Get some girlfriends and lose the guy friends
Okay I partially get this one - a woman who has no female friends is kind of a warning sign...I guess. But on the other hand, it can be hard to make friends as an adult female. Especially for an attractive woman because women can be catty as hell. I don't see why she has to lose her guy friends though.

5. Don't mention kids or marriage in the first year
I'm torn on this one...I guess I think it's good advice for a woman who isn't looking to get married or have kids right away, but if that's your #1 goal then I think there's something to be said for being upfront about it. I knew a woman once who told a man on their first date "I'm looking to settle down and I'm not interested in wasting my time. So if that's not what you're looking for tell me now so I can move on with my life".  That was a pretty risky move but it worked out for them - they're married now and have a baby on the way. If she hadn't mentioned it, and that wasn't what he was looking for, wouldn't she have basically wasted a year of her life?

6. Men need sex like water and air. You need to give it up and give it up properly.
Co-sign. No need to really say any more than that.

7. Culture yourself.
This one I think was about women needing to expand their horizons...I think there was a line like "don't look at the plate of sushi and ask where's the ackee and saltfish". This is a sticky one for me because I am very particular about what I like and don't like, what I will and will not eat, etc. etc. and it takes a lot to make me deviate from it. But I won't stop anyone from doing what they want to do so if I'm dating someone and he wants sushi I will gladly go, but I'm not eating it. Sorry.

8. Don't be telling your friends our business.
Ha! Oh men, you make no sense. You don't want us to talk you to death, you don't want to hear nagging, you don't think it's necessary to discuss every little thing, but yet you don't want us to tell anyone else either. I get that certain things should be sacred and should stay within the confines of your relationship, but at the same time it can be helpful for a girl to talk things out with her girls. That way they can be the ones to tell her she's irrational and you don't have to be the a$$hole who says it.

9. Manage your cash wisely. And you better have good credit.
I agree with this one if you have marriage on the mind. Otherwise, I don't see how my credit is your business. Is that wrong?

10. Don't get comfortable. Shave it up so I can get it up.
I'll give you this one too. I see way too many women who just seem to completely stop grooming themselves once they lock down their man. Not a good idea, ladies.

What do you guys think of this list?

Panty Meat Moves

A while back I laid into you ladies about the dumb things you do in relationships. I don’t have a similar list yet for men, but I have something better and that is the top 10 panty meat moves men make.
If you know me (or my bff) in real life, you should know by now what a panty meat is, but if not, in the immortal words of Naughty by Nature, “It's sorta like a, well, another way to call a cat a kitten”
Get it now? Good. Let’s get to it.

1. Hissing, whistling, blowing kisses, and other non-verbal ways of getting attention
Boys I don’t know why you do this, but this is not what’s hot in the streets.  As far as I can tell, there are only two reasons why a man would choose this method to meet a woman. Either he doesn’t have the confidence to just walk up and start talking to her – which would make him a panty meat – or he actually wants the kind of woman who would respond favourably to this approach. Which also makes him a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 4/5

2. The switcheroo
The switcheroo is the panty meat’s revenge on women and it goes something like this. Panty Meat sees a woman he wants to smash. Woman is either not studying him or is out of his league. Or both. Panty Meat starts pulling out his best moves in order to win her over.  If he’s smart and uses the time-honoured tradition of shameless and reckless pursuit + unceasing flattery, Woman will soon fall for the Panty Meat man. At which point the Panty Meat man will become distant and difficult, thus forcing Woman to shamelessly and recklessly pursue him. Panty Meat now feels like a big man.
Why is this a panty meat move? Because only a panty uses cheap mind games to get a woman to like him.
Panty Meat Score: 3/5

3. Drifting Off
Good lord, I hate a drift off! It goes a little something like this. You’re talking to your Panty Meat man – usually through some type of non-verbal communication like BBM or gchat. The conversation starts out nice and lighthearted and both parties are engaged and responding in a timely manner. Then – suddenly or gradually – the conversation turns to something serious and lo and behold panty meat has just…drifted off. He either stops answering altogether or becomes evasive and terse. Why? Because he doesn’t want to talk about whatever it is you’re now discussing and he doesn’t have the balls to tell you so. And what do we call a man who lacks balls? A Panty Meat.
Panty Meat Score: 6/5

4. Stupid lies
If Panty Meat is ever lucky enough to get a woman  – or even get within striking distance of a woman – he will invariably make this move. He will tell her some stupid, ridiculous, completely unnecessary lie, just because he is a MEAT and he doesn’t know any better. Now I’m not suggesting at all that lying has no place in a relationship…if you got head from a stripper at your boy’s stag last night, yes please do lie and tell your girl the party was boring. But if you went to the movies with your female bff last night, why do you lie and say you went with your brother? And why do you not brief your brother so he is ready with the cover story? You’re gonna get caught for lying about something completely harmless and expose yourself as the panty meat you truly are.
Panty Meat Score: 4/5

5. Making us do your dirty work
If a Panty Meat is lucky enough to get a girlfriend, and he gets tired of said girlfriend and wants to break up with her, you know what he does? He starts acting like an a$$hole. Why? So that she will break up with him. Why does he do that? Because he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself. And what do we call a man who lacks balls? Say it with me – a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 5/5

6. Bad massages and other laziness
Ah the bad massage. Consider this scenario: Panty Meat’s woman had a long hard day and her back is killing her.  She asks Panty Meat nicely to please rub it for her. Panty Meat looks to the future and sees a lifetime of massage-giving if he does it and she likes it. But an outright refusal will result in yelling and the game is coming on in 20 minutes. So what does Panty Meat do? He agrees to massage her but does such a terrible job of it that she begs him to stop and never asks him again. Why is this a panty meat move? Because if you refuse to pull your weight in a relationship, you’re a panty.
Panty Meat Score: 2/5

7. The flop
The flop is a panty meat’s signature move and it goes like this: Unsuspecting Woman and Panty Meat make plans (usually because Panty Meat suggested it). Unsuspecting Woman schedules it in and refuses all conflicting offers because she already has plans with the Panty Meat. Unsuspecting Woman starts getting ready or starts making her way to the spot when suddenly she gets a text message (it’s always a text message): “I can’t make it”.
Why is this a panty meat move? A couple of reasons:  first, it’s just bad manners.  Cancelling at the 11th hour should be reserved for emergencies only. Second – it’s a panty move because he used the chickensh*t method of texting rather than the grown-up method of picking up the phone. Third, because there’s no apology or explanation. Fourth, no notice.  Fifth – you’re a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 7/5

8. Brazening it out
After an offense such as the Drift Off or the Flop, Panty Meat knows he’s in a bit of a pickle. Somehow, some way he will encounter his victim again and how will he explain himself? (Panty Meats lack imagination). How will he return to her good graces? (Panty Meats don’t like to be hated). Rather than taking the normal, adult route of acknowledgement and apology, Panty Meat will try to pretend nothing has happened. So the next time he sees her , speaks to her, or texts her, he will open with “Hey Stranger, how’s it going? What? I get no love?” Or some such avoidance tactic. At which point the woman will either play along and act like nothing happened (women can be panty meats too) or she will call him on his panty meat behaviour – likely causing the Panty Meat to drift off.
Panty Meat Score: 6/5

9. Watching
I think the watcher may be the biggest Panty Meat of all, because he doesn’t even try to get in the game. What the watcher does is lurk in the background, taking in the scene, and filing information away for future reference. Ever been out at a party and had the feeling that someone’s eyes were burning into the back of your head? It was the watcher. If you’re lucky enough to befriend a watcher, you’ll catch jokes for days because he has the goods on everyone and he loves to chat so he’ll tell all. You’ll walk away thinking that the watcher is a pretty cool guy and the rest of your friends kinda suck. Which is all part of the watcher’s plan.
Panty Meat Score:  3/5

10. Cock-blocking
The cock-blocker is the Watcher with half a testicle, and he is a true Panty Meat. He doesn’t want to get with anyone until someone else steps to her first. Then he swoops in to mess things up. He’ll tell a story he’s supposed to take to his grave and if he doesn’t have one of those he’ll just make up a lie to kill whatever spark of interest there may have been. A true Panty Meat probably isn’t even feeling the girl, he just can’t stand to see anyone else get her. 
Men, if you’re a cock-blocker you’re a panty meat and you will die alone. I’m just saying.
Panty Meat Score: 5/5

I'm a backpack, he's an upscale

*this is a repost from my new urban singles column on examiner.com. please go over there and subscribe. and yes, you do have to subscribe to both*

If you’re urban and single in Toronto and you like to hit the clubs, the parties you frequent probably fall into one of five categories:

There’s the “hardcore” parties which are largely dominated by the under-30 set. They usually happen in clubs like KoolHaus or the Docks, there’s no dress code, and the music is of the Gucci Mane/Rick Ross variety.
Next we have the “backpack” parties. These parties are almost never downtown and while there’s no dress code, if you’re not wearing a plaid shirt, horn rims, or Converse you’re gonna stick out like a sore thumb. The bill usually features a DJ or artist you won’t have heard of if you’re not a backpacker and the music is more Wale than Lil Wayne.
“Music Lover” parties are for the music snobs. A staunchly 30-plus crowd and a style code so you can be comfortable but still look like you have some “broughtupsy”. These parties are downtown but in smaller clubs so you can rub shoulders more intimately with music aficionados such as yourself. The music runs the gamut from Otis Redding to Phil Collins to J. Holiday and almost every song emits a wall bang from at least 50 people.
“Upscale” parties are for the fabulous, darling. There’s a strict dress code and they happen in clubs that aren’t clubs – they’re lounges, or theatres. The crowd is 30 and up with a few celebrities thrown in for good measure. The music doesn’t matter much but expect to hear at least 5 Drake songs per night.
Lastly we have the “bashie” parties. These parties are usually in Scarborough. They happen in restaurants or social clubs and the dress code goes like this: dress to sweat. If you’re not wearing sneakers and you didn’t walk with your rag you’re gonna be sorry. The music is either all soca or all reggae. All night.

Now if you’re hitting the party circuit on at least a semi-regular basis, pretty soon you’re gonna start recognizing people. You’ll catch someone’s eye as the DJ wheels back a dope song and next thing you know your two circles have merged and you’re in one big happy dancing family. You hit Wah Too’s after the club for Chinese breakfast and quicker than you can say $15 cover charge you’ve got a new crop of prospective mates. Sounds great right? But do that four or five times and you’ve come to the point where you’ve met and dated everyone that may possibly be a contender and have nothing more to show for it than a guaranteed awkward moment (or two) next time you’re out.

So the obvious solution is to expand your horizons. Get out of your social circle and stop looking for love in the clubs - everyone knows that doesn’t work anyway right? So say you do that – you hit the bookstore, go to a poetry reading or a sports bar and come across a man or woman who has potential. “Where has s/he been all my life?” you wonder to yourself. Thing is, while you were over at your Music Lover party, she was on College street dancing it up with her Backpack crew. Or while you were jumping and wining in Scarborough, she was at Lobby popping Moet.

But that’s not a big deal, right? It’s just a matter of taste in parties – it has no impact on your relationship. Or does it? On some level, isn’t our taste in parties a metaphor for our attitude toward life? Think about it – if you love dressing up for parties and hobnobbing with celebrities or if you refuse to go to a club that makes you remove your cap at the door; if you’ll pay $300 for bottle service so that you don’t have to mingle with the crowd or you refuse to pay more than $5 cover, doesn’t that on some level relate to the way you approach life? And if you are dating someone who taste in parties is diametrically opposed to yours, aren’t you – at least in some small way – dating someone whose values are diametrically opposed to yours?

Maybe you are. But it’s not an insurmountable thing. The beautiful thing about human beings is that we are flexible. And that we can make compromises. I can hit a Music Lovers party in my jeans and wife-beater while he goes to his Upscale party in his three-piece suit. We’ll just meet up at Wah Too’s afterward. That’s our middle ground.

the boy has to ask the girl to dance

If I kept a tally of all the advice I get from my girls, the #1 most-advised thing to do would have to be this: “Just ask him ____”.  As in, just ask him out. Or just ask him for his number. Or just ask him how he feels.  To which my reply is invariably a big hysterical “I can’t do THAT!”

See for all my big talk, I’m really a just chickensh*t at heart. Especially when it comes to men. Although I’m not at all afraid to speak my mind and be who I am, there is one version of myself that I’m not really comfortable being and that is the move-maker. The one who asks for a number, makes the first call, asks out on a date, or initiates sex. The thought of doing those things makes me nervous as hell and, truth be told, I don’t really think I should have to.

Now I should interject here to point out that what I’m referring to in this post is the first move, not every move. Yes I will pick up the phone and call a man with whom I am in a relationship; and please believe I will jump on him the minute he walks through the door if I’m so inclined. But when things are new, I don’t make moves, I receive them.

Why, you ask? Well two reasons. One is that I think making moves is for homely girls. And I don’t mean that to be as ignorant as it sounds; all I really mean is, s/he who is on the lower rung of the ladder has to do more work.  The other reason is simply that I truly believe, with all my heart, that making moves is the man’s job.

Now I know that that’s supposedly unfair. And that it’s not any easier for men to make moves than it is for women.  And believe me I’m well aware that women can be harsh in their rejections…especially here in the dot. But still, it’s just such a manly thing to do, isn’t it?  Isn’t it just the sexiest thing in the world when a man confidently steps to you and unabashedly expresses his interest? Why on earth would I want to deprive myself of the singular joy of that experience?

I just can’t get over the idea that making moves is kind of a thirsty thing for a woman to do. And in my experience, when a woman does it, the delicate balance of power between man and woman is instantly (and sometimes irrevocably) altered. Just as some stupid men make the argument that a woman who is too independent robs him of his manhood, I think that a woman who does the majority of the initiating robs the man of the chase. And we all know how important the chase is for the man. For a woman, making the first move establishes the precedent that you will do the majority of the work to keep the relationship progressing, and who the hell wants to be saddled with that responsibility?

Somewhere someone is reading this and saying “But what if he’s shy? What if he’s intimidated by you? What if he’s not sure you’re interested?”. Yeah, that doesn’t move me at all. Shyness is a huge turnoff for me. I think it’s very un-manly. And any experience I’ve ever had with a man who was shy ultimately ended up being very unpleasant. So I think of shyness as nature’s weeding-out process. If I refuse to make a move on a man who is interested in me but is too shy to say so, he’s probably not the one for me anyway and I’ve saved both of us a lot of time by just allowing him to keep it moving.

Textual Relations

So I have my eye on someone. I’m not gonna get into a tonne of detail on here in case he reads it because my entire life need not be fodder for this blog, but this dude's entire existence has raised an interesting question that I must explore with you all.

Here’s how this has gone down: met the dude and chatted ever so briefly with him. He gave me his number and I texted him a few days later. Since then we have had a few highly entertaining text conversations but haven't spoken yet.

This is cool with me, but at Thanksgiving dinner with my girls the other night, quite a few of them were up in arms about it all. "Why don't you just CALL him??", "You guys need to TALK on the phone!", "You're gonna get to a place where all you do is text!!".

My response to all this earnestness was a big ole blank stare. Because I really didn't get what all the fuss was about and I didn't really see any necessity at this point for us to actually speak.

See the thing is, I hate the phone. I really do. Long telephone conversations are like jail to me. And while I make occasional exceptions for my mum, sister, and a few close friends, in general I don't answer the phone because I hate it. 99% of all max-initiated communication are via text or bbm. That’s my happy place. So for me to break down and actually speak to someone on the phone means something. At this point, a semi-random dude I’ve had a couple of text conversations with just doesn’t rank.

I know what you’re going to say now – how are we gonna get to know each other if we don’t actually talk? And you’re right. A friend of mine asked me how old dude is and what he does for a living (that’s a girl’s favourite question isn’t it? I don’t get that either but that’s another post for another day) and I didn’t know the answers because the conversations haven’t gone that way. So yeah, I think it’s probably true that I would know more about this dude at this point if we had actually spoken, but this way is fun for now. What’s the big rush?

I’m a sucker for the written word, in all its forms. A mildly steamy text can get me revved up the way a wallet full of $50 bills turns other women on. In the past, I’ve spoken to men and been ambivalent until they started texting me. Words win me over every time. And of course, for a commitment-phobe such as myself, it’s a nice low-investment way to have someone in my life without actually having him in my life.

But for normal people who don’t shun phone conversations, it’s an interesting question. A few months back I was asking a friend of mine if she had yet had a phone conversation with a man she’d been “talking to” for a couple of weeks and she said no. I asked her if that was normal and she had no idea. So I ask you, dear readers, what role does the telephone play in modern courtship?

For me it goes like this: first you text, then you go on a date (you may have a phone conversation or two to plan said date but texting is still the primary mode of conversation). Then you talk on the phone and date for a while, then he graduates to BBM. Or gets kicked off the island for not having a Blackberry. But as we all know, max-logic is not actual logic so you guys tell me how it should go.