I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

The other day while pretending to work toiling away at my incredibly demanding job my ipod delivered a one-two punch of songs that sent my little brain spinning - Your Girl by Mariah Carey and Tell Me You Love Me by Amerie. The basic premise of both songs is this: you don't know it but I’m the girl for you and I’m going to make you fall in love with me and do my bidding.

It's not a particularly new concept, but it got me thinking - is it possible to lead a man from zero (complete disinterest) to 10 (completely besotted) just because you want to?  It reminded me of two girls I knew back when I first moved to Toronto; each of whom set their sights on a man and basically went after him with such force that he was powerless to resist her. One married her target and 10 years later they’re blissfully happy. The other – after stealing him from his current fiancé – cannot stand the dude.

The only time I’ve ever put in real work to make a man love me was with Snickers, and that was really less about getting him to love me and more about getting him to admit that he loved me. Since then I really cannot be bothered to put in much work. Once I’m in a relationship I’ll work hard to keep my dude happy but my strategy for getting a man to like me basically boils down to 1. Dazzle him 2. Confuse the shit out of him. When If that doesn’t work it’s on to the next.

Given that I’m single, I’m thinking my strategy might not be as comprehensive as it could be. So I took to the internets to see what other #swindles tactics the ladies are using to attract a man. So without further ado I give you Top 10 Ways to Make a Man Love You:


1. Look good

I shouldn't even have to tell you this. If you don't know by now that men are visual creatures then you're probably not even old enough to be on this blog. But I'm going to remind you one more time that if you're trying to capture a man's interest you're gonna need to look good. What that means depends on who you are and the circumstances and I'm trusting that you have enough judgement to make the right choice. Just look good and sexy in a non-trashy, non I will let your boys run a triz on me kinda way.


2. Get in the path of destruction

The lovely and talented Dr. Jay already schooled us on this. If you want a man to notice you you have to be in his line of sight. I know The Rules and all those books tell us that he has to chase after us, but it's a little difficult to get him to do that if he doesn't know or care that you exist. So as @emti would say - you gotta chase him until he chases you.

3. Be a social butterfly

People are lemmings and they always want what everyone else wants. So if he sees that other people want to be around you and hang out with you it will likely pique his interest.  However this can backfire if you're seen with too many dudes as being "too social"...some dudes don't like that.

4. Be cool

Drama is never a good thing but it's never worse than when a man is first starting to notice you. We all know how lasting first impressions are right? You don't want him to think of you and immediately recall the fracas you got into with your ex's next at the club the other day. So avoid drama at all costs at least while he's present.

5. Be yourself...kinda

For the record I am not advocating being fake or engaging in any trickery to capture your target, but I cannot unequivocally advise you to just be yourself as so many other people do. Be yourself, but be the most interesting you or the most charming you or the most flirtatious you. But don't be the you who is complaining loudly about your menstrual cramps or bad-mouthing your no-good ex. Don't be yourself like that. Please.

6. Gas up his head

For many men, what attracts him to a woman is less about the woman herself and more about the way she makes him feel about himself. Honest, sincere compliments give men a nice little boost. This is a good thing. It's a great thing if you pay him a compliment he's never heard before or doesn't hear often. If he feels good around you he'll want to be around you.

7. Feign Show interest in what he’s interested in

The idea that we are drawn to people who share our interests is pretty straightforward; I don't think I need to elaborate on that. So yes if you share an appreciation for vintage OutKast with the dude, letting him know that is a good move. But even if you're not into what he's into, displaying a genuine interest in it will serve you well.

8. Go for the nose

This is what you do: when you know you're gonna see the dude, "paint your nails" right before you leave the house. The dab a little bit of your "love" the same places you'd apply fragrance. For one thing, you'll have a great post-orgasmic glow and for another you'll be giving off all kinds of pheromones and pussy-fragrance. What man can resist that?

Too much? Okay well try this instead: Wear the same scent every time you see him. Make sure he gets close enough to smell it on you. Sooner or later he'll come to associate that fragrance with you and wherever he smells it - even if it's between the thighs of some other chick - he'll think of you.

10. Gently confuse him

Once you've put all this work into getting this dude to lust after you, you don't want to mess it up by being too available. Men are hunters and they get off on challenges so make it a little difficult for him or he'll consider you conquered and move on to the next one. And don't let anyone tell you different.

What say you guys? You've been awfully quiet lately and you know I lose my blogging mojo when you guys don't interact with me. So I want to hear from you. Ladies - what tips or tricks do you have to get a man interested? Men - do you think these tactics would work on you? Speak your piece in the comments.

Oh and before I forget - vote for me!

5 Things I'm Not Doing if I'm Not Wifey

Don't forget to vote for me and your other favourite blogs for the Black Weblog Awards. All the details are right here

So yesterday I was over on Until I Get Married reading Five Things We’re Not Doing Since We’re Not Having Sex. His list was pretty interesting (he's not kissing if you're not giving up the nani, can you imagine?) and it got me thinking about withholding in relationships.

Like just about every woman in the world, I have had the misfortune to be involved with a man who didn't want a relationship but had no problem participating in relationship-y behaviour, especially if it benefited him. Ladies in this situation will more often than not shower their un-boyfriend with love, affection, pussy, accommodation, and whatever else she feels like in the futile hope that when he decides he wants to be in a relationship, she will be the chosen one. This is a bad bad bad idea but that's another post for another day.

If you find yourself in a situation where you want to be wifey but you're not there yet for whatever reason, the smart thing to do is to remove yourself. However, if you choose to stay, please believe you should not be giving up all your worldly goods to that dude. Now you guys should know me well enough to know that I would never advise you to withhold sex (why deprive anyone the singular joy of carnal relations), but if wifey status is what you're aiming for and you're not there yet, these are the moves you should not be making:

1. No Gifts

You can buy me gifts if you want, but I will not be returning the favour. Call me a throwback, but there's a limit to how much money I'm willing to spend on a man who I cannot call my own...going dutch on dinner at Swiss Chalet is about it.

2. No sleepovers

You guys know how I feel about sleepovers. I hate them. I'm not subjecting my hair to the evil that is a cotton pillowcase for a dude who doesn't want to claim me.

3. No merging of the circles

If I'm not wifey, I do not need to meet your friends or your family. Nor do you need to meet mine. It's this kind of blurring of the lines that makes women go crazy confuses things. When we make things official we can merge circles but in the meantime let's retreat to neutral corners, shall we?

4. No cooking, cleaning, or laundry

There are only two reasons a woman should be cooking or doing housework for a man: she's wifey or she's an employee. So unless you want to put me on your payroll, you can fix your own sandwich.

5. No anal, no tossed salad...and no coochie shots

Unless these acts are part of your normal, everyday, even casual hookups can get it sexual behaviour, you should not be giving up these goods. Ultra VIP acts are for ultra VIP status and if you're not wifey, he's not VIP.

6. No condom purchases

I'm sure this one only makes sense to me, but I refuse to buy condoms if I'm not on wifey status. It's strictly bring your own prophylactics at casa maxfab and if you don't you're outta luck.

That's my list anyway, but what say you? Are there any acts that you withhold while you're waiting to achieve wifey status? Or do you believe that giving him all the goods will put you on the accelerated path? Is their a comparable list for men looking to wife a woman? Speak on it in the comments.

The Art of the Chase (Throwback Tuesdays)

aIn the old days, when I had my eye on a dude, I had one strategy: shameless and reckless pursuit. And although this method made for some great stories, it never really yielded optimal results.

But what is the right way to chase a man? And should we even be doing it? He’s Just Not that Into You says no. The whole premise of the book is that the excuses that women make for why men aren’t making an effort with them are just so much bullshit and if he was really into you he would make the effort. So should we women just leave it all in their hands?

Consider this scenario: a few years ago I got the feeling that a casual acquaintance of mine was flirting with me. I was getting vibes but I wasn’t quite certain where he was going with it – was he interested? was he just a flirt? was I reading into things? was he too shy to make a move? I just didn’t know and didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself by making a move on him. The whole thing would probably have fizzled out without anything significant happening had my uber-brilliant sister not stepped in. She mentioned to him at a party that if he wanted to make a move on me, she would be okay with that. And what do you know? A couple of days later he asked me out and everything was lovely after that (until we split up and he married someone else but that’s another story).

Knowing what I know about that dude now, I know that he would never have asked me out if my sister hadn’t let him know that his advances would be welcomed. So does that mean that he just wasn’t that into me? Or was that me/my sister taking a participatory role in the courtship dance rather than putting all the responsibility on the man?

Most women believe that men are dense. So we don’t believe that smiling with our eyes is enough for them to get the message. Instead we offer our numbers, ask for theirs, find them on facebook, befriend their friends, hunt them down at parties, and otherwise make ourselves so available that the man basically has to alter his behavioural patterns to get away from us. Ladies, I have something to tell you: shameless and reckless pursuit is not the business

Men are hunters and we must give them the opportunity to do that. Otherwise they just get bored and we have to work overtime to maintain their interest.

I have a new strategy these days and it goes like this: I give a man three signs that I would be open to his advances. Three subtle signs. If he doesn’t catch on after that he’s either a) too stupid for me or b)not interested in me and he either gets demoted to jump-off status or erased from my radar.

Ladies, how do you chase? Men, how do you like to be chased?

Dudes, Dads, and Dating

If you know me in real life you know that I grew up in a pretty homogenized community. Everyone I knew lived on a street like mine in a house like mine with some pets or siblings and two parents. We might have occasionally fought with our parents but we loved them, they loved us, and they were always there. When I was a kid I thought everyone's life was like this.

When I got older and became boy crazy started going to all-ages parties and meeting people who didn't come from a place called Whitehills I began to realize something weird - a lot of these people didn't have dads in their houses. Or they didn't know where their dads were. Or they hated them. Then I started to get that my little milquetoast world was a bit of an aberration.

Back then (as now) my friends and I would date guys and the guys would do effed up things - blow us off, cheat on us, refuse to talk about their feelings, the usual dumb stuff guys do. But no matter what the guy of the moment did, the explanation was always a variation on a theme; his father left him so he doesn't trust anyone. Or he grew up with a single mother so he doesn't see the value of relationships. Or his father left him and he never got over the hurt so he cut himself off from feeling anything for anyone ever.

The thing was that whether the explanation came from a reassuring girlfriend trying to pat me down after a boy did something mean to me or from the offender himself trying to explain his shitty behaviour, it always did two things to me: left me feeling sad/guilty and left me feeling like my hands were tied. Because really, when someone tells you that they don't know how to treat you properly because they didn't receive proper treatment from a parent, what can a girl who is blessed to have a father who loves me like crazy and is always there for me really say? Get over it? Not a good enough excuse? There's really nothing to say to that and it kinda left me feeling like I hadn't a leg to stand on.

Anyway, I hit my twenties and moved away from home. And whereas as a child everyone I knew grew up in a home with two parents it seemed that suddenly no one I knew did. So much so that these days when I hear a man say "my dad" it throws me off  in the same way that hearing him say "my ovaries" would - it seems wrong.  But even though the phenomenon of "fatherless men" seems to have become the norm,  the correlation between it and egregious behaviour no longer seems to exist. Or at least no one's talking about it.

Why is that though? Are we too old now to accredit our behaviour to our less-than-ideal childhoods? Or is it just so obvious that no one needs to point it out anymore?

Unlike my normal posts, I have no firm opinion to foist on you to share on this one...I'm just interested in hearing everyone's thoughts.

So what do you guys think - is it only the presence or absence of our fathers that impacts our behaviour in relationships or can I pin some of my shit on Mummy does everything in our childhoods dictate our choices in relationships? Like I said I'm lucky to have a great dad that I adore, but his greatness is definitely not reflected in the relationship choices I make, so does that mean that we're only affected by "bad" dads?

Speak on it in the comments.

What I Won't Do for a Date

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

When I called my daddy to wish him a happy father's day, I ended up getting sucked into the vortex that is a phone call with my mother. My mum (the one exception to my phone rules because it is more painful to get in trouble for not talking to her than it is to actually talk to her) has an uncanny ability to either enrage, infantilize, or reduce me inside of five minutes when I get her on the phone. Virtually every topic we might discuss can be turned into a way to make me feel dry. Her latest topic: why I don't date more often.

I patiently explained that I rarely meet men and that when I do they usually don't ask me out. Ever helpful, she began suggesting 9,999 things I could do to increase the number of dates I go on. All of her suggestions were unacceptable for various reasons, but the following four really stood out as things that I just will not do for a date. Right now, anyway. But ask me again after I turn 35 in a couple of months.

So here we are: What I Won't Do for a Date

1. Online Dating

Whenever I think of being on E-Harmony, Lavalife or Plenty of Fish, my skin starts to crawl. It just reeks of thirst to me. Now I don't mean for that to be a diss against anyone who does participate in online dating, and lord knows enough people find love that way these days, but for me it just seems so sad. Plus I've been following a certain blogger's chronicles about her experiences on POF and they make me just want to stab myself in the eye. Maybe I could have done this when I was younger and felt more compelled to find "the one" but now? Nah sir! I'd sooner stay single for the rest of my life.

2. Broaden My Horizons

This is a big one. The fact that I get this advice from people other than my mum gives it a little more credence, but it's still highly unappealing. I like what I like. And even though I've had a very poor rate of return on getting involved with the men I like, the idea of going outside my normal extended social circle in the hopes of finding some previously undiscovered gem just does not interest me.

3. Ask to be fixed up

Three reasons why I would never do this:

i. After online dating, this seems like the thirstiest thing in the world to me. To me there's just something so distasteful about asking someone to help me find someone to bone love. I know that's just pride and pride goes before the fall and all that but yeah no.

ii. Asking to be set up disturbs the natural order of things. I don't like to orchestrate too much in my life, I prefer things to happen magically organically. Asking for a setup is the opposite of organic.

iii. I do not trust my friends to set me up. I'm sorry, but I just don't.


3. Date outside my race

You guys are well aware by now that I don't do this right? I tried it twice and it's not for me. At all. Yuck! No judgment at all of those who do, but it's just not for me.


4. Ask a man out

No matter how many times people try to convince me that this is okay, no matter how many times I'm momentarily convinced that they are right and I am wrong, I just can't do this. I just cannot. Actually no that's not true, it's not that I can't - I will not. I don't believe it's my job, it goes against everything that I believe in, and it's for homely girls and I believe with all my heart that it permanently tips the balance of power in the man's favour. We can't have that can we?

Now I know you guys are just dying to school me on how wrong I am for having these standards and how I will die alone if I don't compromise, so please do so in the comments. And if you have any things you will not do for a date, please share them so I don't feel so alone.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Tuesday - Dealbreakers

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am really not a planner. Outside of my wardrobe consultations with the bestie I never know what I'm doing from one moment to the next. In job interviews, the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' scares the crap out of me because I never know what to say.

Needless to say, I also don't have a list of what I'm looking for in a man. This may have something to do with the fact that I'm not currently looking for one, but I also think that being too narrow in your search can stop you from seeing something out of the box that might be really good. Much to my delight, one of my favourite blogging boys agrees with me. (here too)

But a recent conversation with one of my girls - who had 42 must-haves on her list - and reading this and this, got me thinking I ought to give a list a try. But since a list of what I want in a man would be way too long, I thought I'd try a list of what I absolutely do.not.want.

So without further ado, here are my dealbreakers:

1. Rudeness

This includes poor phone/email/text/bbm etiquette. And rudeness to others. Don't pull out my chair at the dinner table and then snap your fingers at the waitress to get her attention. It won't fly.

2. Deadbeat Dads

If you refuse to see your children because you have beef with their mother, you fail. If you refuse to find a way to get along with your child's mother so that you can see your kids, you fail. If you don't support your kids to the best of your ability, you fail. If you blatantly favour one child over another, you fail. If you hide the fact that you have kids, you fail.

3. Selfishness/Lack of consideration

No one wants a doormat, but I'm not rotating around your sun either. If you don't get that there are two of us here and both of our needs deserve consideration; I'm out.

4. Lack of Confidence

What can I say? It's just not hot.


5. Can't See Through my Slickness

I can be extremely slick when I want to and I need a man who will call me on it. If I can run rings around you I will and neither of us will like it.

5-b. Doesn't Want to Wear the Pants

It may surprise you to know that at heart I am a throwback - cater to you is my theme song - and I expect the man to be the boss. I need a man that is traditional enough in his thinking to get down with this concept. You can't be asking me all the time what I want to do, you're supposed to tell me what I'm gonna do.


6. Racial Consciousness

He doesn't have to be militant, but he has to have some kind of racial identity. I dated a man once who had had two serious relationships in his adult life; both with white women. He asked me if I had a problem with that and I didn't - whatever floats your boat buddy - but then he went on to say that he felt that a person's race had no relevance whatsoever, and that's where he lost me. He has to think about race.

6-b. I also can't get down with non-black guys.

Sorry.

7. He must get (or at least tolerate) maxlogic.

If he's going to constantly try to make me see sense, he's gonna get throat-punched.

So those are my dealbreakers. They're not unreasonable, are they? What are yours?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Guest Post - Getting In The Path of Destruction

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the comments of my post about busy dudes, my buddy Dr. J advised getting in the path of destruction when dealing with an overstimulated man. I wished for a guest post on the subject and like the fairy godblogger he is, he promptly delivered it. This is why I heart him and you should too.

With men being at a premium in the world today, most men aren’t making it easy for women to get at them. The men that most women want are busy, successful, and not trying to chase every skirt they can get their hands on. So how does a woman get a guy who seems too busy for romance?

Let me start by backing up for a moment and explaining something to the reader. A man who is busy spends his free time letting loose. A lot of people expect a man who is busy to spend his free time with his significant other. This negates the fact that he probably wants to have time to himself, hang out with friends, and get wasted when he’s not working. Women don’t seem to understand this. Short-sightedness.

Nonetheless a good man is hard to find, and more frustrating than trying to find a good man, is finding one you can’t have. Women always want to know where men are, I’d argue that they know exactly where men are they just can’t hook him. I’ve always thought of relationships like this, if you want some water, why not go to the well? If you want some milk, why not go to the cow? A lot of people are waiting for a Deer Park truck to show up at their doorstep and deliver them a man, but it would be so much easier if they’d just go get the man.

So women, start in the following places when looking for a man: the gym, local happy hour lounge, metro and Starbucks. Why? Because these are places that men hang out at. You may be worried about sweating your hair out, but just wash and set it once you get home and you’ll have a fresh hairdo and a man. A lot of women claim they don’t meet men in the club… but you’re single. Something’s not adding up. If you see a guy who catches your eye, why not find a way to get in his path of destruction? And if that place is a club, then I’d recommend you start frequenting that club a lot more than you currently do. If you notice that the guy you want goes to Cosi everyday for lunch at noon, why not be in Cosi everyday at noon?

I heard this story about a guy who found his wife by standing on a corner he had seen her walk past once for two months. He would plop himself down on the sidewalk every day at lunch for an hour and just wait for her to walk by. He didn’t know that she was only in that part of town to run an errand. But you know what? One day she had to run that errand again and he was able to meet her. They were married for over 50 years.

Some women are worried about seeming desperate or thirsty. One of the most frequent pieces of advice I ever give is that people should stop worrying what people think about their love life. At the end of the day, the opinions of people who you aren't sleeping with will keep you single and alone. If you want to have a man in your life and you’ve identified who you’d like to find that vacancy, get in his path of destruction. You might seem desperate but it’s only short term because soon you will look and be satisfied and all those who judged you will be still single. They will be the same ones sitting around at a happy hour spot with all women talking about how men ain’t skit.

#kanyeshrug on this post. I’m just trying to keep it real and give the best advice I can give. In other news, it seems that you are in great health, Dr. J thinks you’ve been doing a great job lately. In short, “You’re beautiful. If no one else told you that today, let me be the one.”

So ladies, what do you think of Dr. J's strategy? Do you hunt your prey in his natural habitat or wait for him to find you? Men do you rate this strategy?



And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.
 

The Substitute Dude

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

To succeed as a single woman, a gal needs a lot of tools. These range from the esthetic - the perfect lip gloss (yes Skye you do need this),  f*ck-me shoes, and a f*ck-me dress - to psychological warfare such as The Rules.  But there is no greater tool in a woman's arsenal than the substitute man.

What? You don't know about the substitute man? Well you're in luck ladies because I'm about to school you. And men you should listen too so you can recognize the signs you might be on substitute status.

The substitute man has one purpose - to stop a girl from f*cking things up with her man of choice. He's used in the early stages; when you've just met someone and he's all you can think about. All you want to do is talk to him, internet stalk him and talk about him. Unfortunately, this precarious stage of your relationship requires you to be strategic in your dealings with him; we all know there are strict rules about when and how often you can contact a new dude...no matter how much you're dying to talk to him. This is the "new dude burn" and it stings like a motherf*cker.

What a lot of ladies do when they start to feel the burn is barrage their girlfriends with talk. They want to analyze every word of every exchange, examine the significance of his Facebook profile picture, and pick apart every nuance of every text message. But while this mental masturbation is highly engrossing to you, it's crashingly boring for your bestie. In the best of circumstances you're gonna get a week tops of obsessing before your bff cuts you off....and then what do you do?

You get a substitute dude.

A substitute dude is someone mild to moderately interesting that you can entertain yourself with to minimize the new dude burn. Not a friend, but not a real contender; the substitute dude's role is basically the potential new relationship that you sabotage by not being strategic. This is the guy that you can call every day just to say hi, languish with for hours on the phone, and accept invitations from with no notice without worrying that you're making yourself too available.

Finding a substitute dude is pretty straightforward; all you have to do is find a polite, decent-looking dude who displays even a modicum of interest in you. Don't worry if he doesn't approach you; you can make a move on him because it doesn't matter if you give up your power. That's the beauty of the substitute dude - you can relax, be yourself, and put your copy of Why Men Love Bitches away for a little while.

Once you have your substitute dude in place here's what you do: every time you get to feening for your new dude and reach for the phone to send him a "I had a dream about you" text; send it to substitute dude instead. It's Saturday night and you want to try out dinner at Noir - don't ask new dude, invite substitute dude. You're bored and feel like having a marathon phone call with a man? Call substitute dude.

A few key things to keep in mind though when selecting your substitute. First, don't pick someone too hot or too busy; he'll retreat from your advances and next thing you know you'll be sweating him instead of new dude. Second, make sure he's interested in you - this is a distraction, not a campaign. Third, don't mislead substitute dude. I mean obviously you don't let him know that you're using him he's on substitute status, but don't give him the idea that you're trying to wife him either. That's just mean.

The substitute dude is a brilliant strategy because it accomplishes three things in one. He gasses up your head, distracts you from new dude, and fills up your time so that you naturally become less available - and infinitely more desirable - to new dude. How brilliant is that?

And in case you're wondering if this strategy isn't just a trifle mean - shamelessly using the substitute dude to further your cause with the man you really want? The answer is yes. But for one thing, any dude to gets himself sucked into substitute status basically brought it on himself by being too receptive to the girl's advances.  I mean really - a girl who is that into you right out of the gate should always be a red flag for you because there's never a good reason for that. And also, don't think of the substitute dude as a human being who may be hurt by your actions, think of him as collateral damage in the battle of dating.

Insert evil laugh here.

Oh and men if you're wondering whether you're on substitute status there are two signs: 1. the girl you just met (who more than likely is wildly out of your league) is all up on your nuts with seemingly no agenda and no games.  2. the girl who was all up on your nuts for weeks suddenly disappears. When you finally get a hold of her she tells you she can't hang out because she has a boyfriend. Has this ever happened to you? And you wondered how the hell she found time to get a boyfriend when she was talking and hanging out with you so much? Well now you know.

So ladies tell me - do you use a substitute dude to get over the new dude burn? Does it work for you? Men - I'm pretty sure you don't need to do this, but please let me know if I'm wrong.


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Tuesday - 10 Dumb Things Women Do

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The Complexities of Dealing with a Busy Dude

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the battlefield of dating, busy dudes are a single woman's land mine: invisible to the naked eye, unpredictable, and liable to blow up in your face. And therefore, probably better off avoided.

Sadly, in life - as in war - the only foolproof way to avoid injury is to skip the battle altogether; and that's no fun is it? The key instead is to have some kind of battle plan in place to minimize the damage. But I'll get into that in a minute.

Since the unofficial motto of this blog is "know thine enemy", let's take a moment to examine our adversary. The busy dude comes in three types:

1. The Busy Professional

This guy has a job that you're expected to be impressed by; entertainment, sports, politics, and media are filled with these assholes dudes. His work requires him to keep irregular hours, always be on the phone, become unavailable at the last minute, and be around a lot of women.

His MO: He bemoans his busy-ness as something he hates but can't avoid. You'll feel sorry for him and be extra-understanding.

2. The Busy Father

This guy has a regular schedule, but he also has kids to whom he is devoted. Which is charming and admirable. He usually has a contentious relationship with the "crazy" mother of his children.

His MO: He'll tell you right from jump that spending time with his children is his first priority; you won't mind because that's as it should be. The first time he plays the daddy card has to cancel plans because of his kids he'll be extra-apologetic. The 2nd-100th time, not so much.

3. The Temporarily Busy Dude

For the most part this dude has a normal job and a normal life, but every once and while something pops up in his schedule that causes him to vanish into thin air. Just as you're getting ready to move on with your life, he'll reappear and have all the time in the world for you.

His MO: You won't know you're dealing with this dude until he's gone. Everything will start out hunky dory and then he'll suddenly stop calling. Usually after you've slept with him the first time. This dude doesn't want to call you unless he has time to have a long conversation with you, so expect long silences broken up with bursts of him being all up in your crotches.

What all these dudes have in common is the one thing every girl's a sucker for: passion. Listen to busy professional talk about his latest project and you'll swoon at the thought of him being so devoted to you. Let busy dad show you pictures of his kids and you'll imagine the light that is shining in his eyes directed at you. And since temporarily busy dude's disappearances are usually caused because he was helping someone in need; you'll be charmed by his dedication to the ones he loves.

Now whether these dudes are legitimately busy or just pulling the ultimate #swindle, to deal with the busy man a gal needs a game plan. And since I just love telling you what to do, here is yours:

1. Set boundaries.

Real boundaries, ladies, not the kind you pretend to have when you're talking to your girls but forget all about when he's cheesing in your face. A certain amount of understanding is required when dealing with these types, but don't let him run all over you.

2. Know when you're beaten

A busy man is not for everyone. I rate these dudes because I like my space; but the average woman cannot deal gracefully with this type. If you're the type to make a scene every time your man's schedule gets in the way of your plans, you might want to skip the busy dude.

3. Remember this: he is not Barack Obama

There is only one man in the world is truly so busy that he cannot find time to contact you and that is Barack Obama. If you're not getting so much as a three-word text message at least once a week, throw that fish back honey. He's a dud.

That's my take on busy dudes...what's yours? Ladies how do you deal with this type? Men, tell us - is busy just a #swindle or do these guys have a legitimate issue?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

7 Dudes I Might Not Date

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

While I'm not one for making big long lists of must-have's and must-be's in my potential mates, there are certain attributes that are either gonna get a man disqualified right out of the gate, or earn him a gigantic O__o. I'm too tired to do much more of a preamble, so let's get to it.

7 Dudes that I might not date:
 
1. A dude who has the same first name as my ex.

Although this renders the gazillions of men in the world named Mike completely useless to me, I just can't with this name. It's too creepy. I also wouldn't want to date a dude with the same first name as my father. I would however, really like to date a man named Max. I think that would be a tonne of fun.

2. An undertaker

I'm sorry, I know it's honest work, but no. Just - no. It's icky! A garbage man, yes. An undertaker - nope. And you know who's another no? An insurance claims adjuster. I don't know how those people sleep at night. Oh and lobbyists - they must be annoying as shit.

3. Formerly gay dudes


While I could probably get past a man who had a gaycurious moment once or had to do what he had to do while he was locked up; I don't think I could deal with a "reformed homosexual". If that isn't side-eye worthy I don't know what is.


4. The dude who once hit a girlfriend

Sorry Chris Brown. I'm not a fan of bad tempers, so I'm gonna have to take a pause for the cause before I bed down with this dude. Not necessarily because I think that once a hitter always a hitter, but more because dudes who hit probably also yell and you all know how I feel about yelling.

5. He who sleeps with prostitutes

I have no real issue with prositution, but I just don't rate a dude that has to sleep with a hooker. There's nothing a man can get from a professional that he can't get from an amateur if his game is right.


6. Heroic Dudes

While I recognize the carnal appeal of a police officer or a firefighter; I don't think I can date a dude with a job like that. Staying up nights gnashing my teeth wondering if he's shot up in an alley or burned to a crisp somewhere is really gonna eff up my beauty sleep.


7. A dude who has been in jail

This one kinda depends on what he was in jail for...but not really. I think I can overlook most offenses if the dude is hot enough depending on the circumstances. But it's one of those things that make people think you have bad judgment if you don't put it on your list and that's why it's on here.

So that's my list...what about you guys? What kind of guys/gals will make you take a pause before you jump in?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Ladylike Chronicles - Week IV

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Well it's Thursday and that means it's time for an update on my social experiment (get caught up here if you're lost). When we last spoke, I hadn't heard from Codename: Fire and was considering my experiment a bust. But he has resurfaced so the mission continues.

Sidebar: for those of you who are wondering where he disappeared to, why he took so long to reappear, and what excuse he gave for said disappearance, fret not. It will all be used as fodder for the blog soon enough.

So long story short we made plans to have lunch. This meant I was in trouble right out of the gate - I have extremely weird eating habits and weird is the opposite of ladylike. So I had to give him my "we can have lunch as long as you don't mind that I might not eat anything" speech. Which turned into my "explanation of why I don't eat like a normal person" speech. Which involves the word "bowels". So that's ladylike fail #1 right there.

Ladylike fail #2: We had a conversation about the concept of having a wifey and many side bitches. I was already failing by letting it be known that I a) have any knowledge on the topic and b) condone it. But to dig my grave even further there was the following outburst: "the problem is that dudes always try to wife the side bitches. You don't wife a side bitch, you fuck a side bitch".
EPIC FAIL.
But then I put my hand to my mouth, opened my eyes all wide and said "Oops. I'm sorry. That wasn't very ladylike, was it?". That seemed to undo the bulk of the damage.

Ladylike fail #3: There was a conversation about pubic hair in which I made it clear that since I'm not an 11 year-old girl, I do not want my downthere to look like one. Talking about pubes at the table is not very ladylike, is it?

Ladylike almost-fail:  He went across the street to the bank machine before the bill came. I didn't know if it was a #swindle or a test or what but I was ready to just ask the waitress for the bill and pay it myself.  If I wasn't doing this experiment that's exactly what I would have done. But sensing that sneak-paying the bill was no a very ladylike thing to do, I called the bestie for the go-ahead and she shut me down immediately. Crisis averted!

At first I was really conscious of the whole ladylike thing and being hyper-vigilant about everything I said but pretty soon I kinda relaxed. I realized that the easiest way to stay ladylike was to listen more than I spoke; a completely foreign concept for me but it worked. Another funny thing was that I realized that my concept of being ladylike is quickly morphing into some kind of bastardized version of The Rules. And that's not a completely bad thing. But it is another post for another day.

Overall though I'd say I did a pretty good job and we had a really good time. I definitely noticed a difference in the way the afternoon went in comparison to other dates I've been one when I've been all raw-dog right from the beginning.

So what do you guys think? Could this experiment be working? Or is it still too soon to tell? Got any tips for me for keeping my dutty mouth in check? Coach me in the comments.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

First Time Fail

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

So when we last talked about first time sex, we stopped before it started. You'd met him. You'd charmed him.  Tweeted, texted, and talked. You went on the requisite number of dates. And then the big day came. He came over and ya'll boned.  And it was weak sauce. What now?

A reader recently asked me to give some tips on how to recover from the first-time flop. It was a difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around because I'm a total sex is like pizza girl. So as usual I took it to the internets in the form of a poll. I asked "Can you recover from bad first-time sex? How?" What I got was a whole bunch of "nope"s.

Apparently for everyone I know, a bad first-time slam is a dealbreaker. As one of my twitterpeeps put it, it's like a job interview....if you don't do well you're obviously not suitable for the position. That's it. No second chances, no do-overs. One shot and you're out.

Now I love pipe more than as much as the next girl, but to me this is just crazy talk. You're gonna throw out a perfectly decent man for one bad thronx? Well then give him my number! That's not very smart. So if you're like me and you want to try to overcome a first-time flopshow, here are my 3 tips.

1. Get back on the horse...like, immediately.

This tip comes courtesy of my girl Skye of MetAnotherFrog.com. Rather than each player sitting around stewing over the loss, have a re-match as soon as possible. You'll both have something to prove, some of the first-time awkwardness may have diminished, and you never know what might come.

2. Read the signs

Now this is something you should always be doing; but when you're in recovery mode it might be extra helpful. Watch and listen closely to what your partner says and does; how they respond various stimuli. For example, if a man spanks me playfully outside of the bedroom and he's watching closely, he'll see a look of delight light up my eyes quickly before I laugh and push him away. That's a sign that it would probably be okay in the bedroom. Or tell him stories about things you've "heard" and guage his reaction. Like "oh I was just reading about this really interesting thing called the Cincinatti Bowtie. It's when you...." if he contorts his face in horror then you know to tread lightly when it comes to that kind of stuff. If he starts extolling the virtues of this technique, you know to run for the hills something about him too.


3. If all else fails, talk about it

This scenario presupposes that you and your partner have taken some time before you hopped in the sack, so by now you've probably built up some kind of rapport. You know each other at least a little bit and you should be able to sit down and have a grownup conversation about sex. I have no tips for you as to what to say or when to say it, but this seems like it would work.

What do you guys think? Do you throw back a partner if the first time is a flop? Or are you willing to work at finding a solution? Do you have any tips for overcoming the first time #fail? Educate us all in the comments.

Throwback Monday - My Version of the Ladder Theory

Sorry folks - it was quite a weekend and I did not have time to post. We we'l do throwback today and I'll give you something good tomorrow...sound good?

So about a year ago I found myself on what appeared to be an impromptu blind date. Dude was smart, funny, and interesting but not particularly hot. And before you start to roll your eyes at my shallowness, let me assure you that I have dallied with my fair share on non-cuties in my lifetime. So it's not that every man I have to date has to be Idris Elba handsome, it's just that I've noticed a trend in behaviour that occurs when non-cute men date hotties such as myself.

Sidebar: this post is based on the principle that I am a hottie. Call me an egomaniac if you will, but none of this is gonna make any sense if you don't subscribe to that particular theory.

Anyway. For those of you not familiar with the ladder theory, it's a pseudoscientific explanation the ways in which men and women evaluate members of the opposite sex upon first impressions. In the ladder theory model, this decision is typically made quickly and is often final. This determines the other's potential as a future mate. (source)

So basically, when men and women meet, they place each other on a ladder based on how they score on a bunch of different points. The higher the score, the higher you go on the ladder. The whole thing is pretty stupid complex, but the one aspect of the ladder theory that is relevant to this post is "ladder disparity". Simply put, this is when two people meet each other and place each other on vastly different points on the ladder. Check out this picture:

See how Bob has Jane on the bottom of his ladder and Jane has Bob at the top of hers? That's what we're talking about here.

Now back to they mystery date. Although homeboy and I are both funny, smart, and interesting, I would likely end up higher on his ladder than he would on mine because I am hot and he is a troll of the difference in our levels of attractiveness. And I know what you're gonna say - looks don't matter, it's what inside that counts, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, pretty and $3 will get you on the bus. But before you start with all that, let me school you. The problem is not one's level of attractiveness per se, it's how our perception of our own attractiveness and that of our partners dictates how we behave.

Let me illustrate: I (a hottie as previously discussed) once dated a man who - when I first saw him - literally made my jaw drop. But oh my lord what a spectacular asshole he was. Seriously.  I've never been treated worse by a man and trust me when I tell you I have met some real jackasses in my time. But oh if you guys could have seen me, buying shoes for this man, cooking for him, enduring levels of disrespect that I can't even get into here, all because he was higher than I on the ladder. I felt that he was out of my league and that I had to bend over backwards to please him because of all the other women out there just waiting for me to fuck up so they could snatch him.

Conversely, I also once dated a man whose jaw probably dropped when he first saw me.  He was a nice guy, but definitely nothing to get excited about in the looks department. But oh how he showered me with attention and affection. Because I was out of his league, he had to work overtime to win me over.

So you're probably wondering, what's wrong with that?

Well in the first scenario, the dude was highly attractive and in his mind that gave him license to be an asshole. and no matter how accommodating I was, he stayed an asshole.  The only thing that changed was that I met someone else got sick of it and bounced. In the second scenario, despite my superior level of attractiveness I was not an asshole and never became one. And because of his efforts, old dude eventually won me over and we reached a point of equilibrium where we were equally into each other. And then he became an asshole and the whole thing ended in a dramatic, painful, and tragic way.

Get it now? No? Okay - let me break it down for you (so it can forever and consistently be broke). When a woman dates a hottie, she works hard to prove her worth. To paraphrase the late great Robin Harris, ugly girls don't want no trouble. They're just grateful a hot dude is giving them the time of day, even if it's wrong. But when a woman dates an uggo, he's not grateful, he's on a mission. He has one objective: to cut her down to size and he will do whatever it takes to accomplish his goal. He'll refuse to tell her she's pretty because he doesn't want to "gas up her head". He'll be distant, sketchy, and confusing  until he has flipped things in such a way so as to make her behave as though she's the one at the bottom of the ladder.

So the moral of the story is not that a pretty girl should never date a homely dude. It's just that a lot of girls go for the less attractive ones because they think it will be easier. There's an expectation that the unfortunate-looking man will continue to work hard for his hot girl throughout their relationship because at every moment he will be aware that she's out of his league. And I'm here to tell you: this is not the case. Non-cute men have egos just like cuties do and they're not gonna sweat you ad infinitum - why go through all that bother when they can just cut you down to a manageable size?

So what does all this mean for impromptu blind date dude? I found out that he is known in his social circle for being the ugly dude who pulls nuff girls because he's educated and well-to-do. And he dumps them with a quickness for infractions such as not having pretty enough feet or misusing a word in a sentence. And also that he's not feeling me.

See? Pretty and $3 can get you on the bus.

What do you guys think of my theory?

The Ladylike Chronicles - Week III

It's time for an update on The Ladylike Chronicles. First off, I have to apologize for not giving you one til now. Fire (our target) was missing in action and I am lazy so I had nothing to report.  He has been located and the mission continues. 

Sidebar: If you don't know what I'm talking back, go read the first installment of the series and come back. It's short.

So a lot of you are not on board with my plan but that only just fueled the Fire (ha ha ha). Going into my mission I was determined to prove that I will get better results if I start with "Max Lite". So while full-strength Max might have been tempted to reach out to Fire during his absence, Ladylike Max has been demurely going on with her life until he reappears. Which he did about two weeks ago when I returned from my lunch break to a message from him on my work voicemail asking if I could give him a call so he could ask me something. So I waited the requisite 2 hours and then called him.

If you know me in real life you know that I am a total spaz about calling people. For one thing, I hate the phone and for another I get highly nervous and awkward whenever I have to call a man and this time was no exception. My hands were shaking as I dialed, my voice quivered a little as I greeted him, but I pressed on. 

The conversation got off to a good start; he asked my opinion about something, I gave it. He was interested in what I had to say and asked lots of questions. He seemed satisfied with my answer (which comes as no surprise since both full-strength Max and Max Lite are highly funny and highly brilliant). Then we started shooting the shit. We talked about food and weather, men and women, sex and dating. It was a good conversation except for one tiny snafu: I forgot all about the Ladylike Chronicles and let full-strength Max out. Oops! 

Here's where I went wrong:

1. I called him Dude at least 3 times

2. Said "fuck" at least once

3. I somehow turned the conversation to the subject of anal sex and we proceeded to have a long and in-depth discussion about it.

4. I told him about the blog

All of this is exactly the opposite of the terms of this experiment, but all the same the conversation went really, really well. It was long, it was funny, and I relaxed and stopped sweating pretty early on (that's always a good sign). At the end he suggested we get together for dinner soon and promised to call.

Don't all you nay-sayers feel gratified now? I can just see you at your desks reading this with satisfied grins on your pusses thinking See? I told you you didn't have to be someone you're not to get someone to like you.

Well guess what? It's been two weeks and he has not called so I call bullshit on your self-satisfaction. And before you say that I cannot possibly know that the reason he hasn't called is that I was my normal unladylike self, let me say this: we don't know that that is not the reason either. And it proves that being my full-strength self does not yield optimal results.  And before you say "maybe he's just busy" let me remind you that no man who is interested in a woman will wait two weeks to ask her out, no matter how busy he is.

The upshot of all of this is that the experiment is a bust. But I will be keeping my eyes peeled for a new target and when I find him we'll start all over again. In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on this one when he crawls out of whatever hole he fell in; because we know they always do.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Not my ex

If you follow me on twitter, you may have caught a few of my outraged tweets after Private Practice ended on Thursday night. Not to go into too much detail for those of you who aren't into the show, but it ended with Addison getting together with her best friend's ex-husband.

I freaked the fuck out. Which led to a big discussion with my sister about whether it's ever okay to get it on with your friend's ex. See my sister, far more benevolent and level-headed than I, is of the probably correct opinion that we cannot make unilateral rules about whom our friends can date. And while I partially agree with her, I do think that in this particular case, what Sam and Addison are doing is unilaterally foul.

So does this mean that it's never okay to get with our bestie's ex? Depends who you ask. My usual internet poll yielded a whole lot of "it's not okays". But surprisingly, I don't agree. I actually had a similar discussion with the lovely _melissa of commenting fame not too long ago in which we both expressed that we don't believe in the hard-and-fast "absolutely not" mentality when it comes to sloppy seconds exes. At the time, I shared with her my rules of thumb for gauging whether it's safe to tread into ex territory and now I will share with you.

To get the greenlight to thronx an ex you have to answer the following questions correctly:

1. How good is the friend?

If you are talking about your bff, the number one on your speed dial, the only one you told about your drunken hook-up with your boss, your most trusted confidant, you must cease and desist immediately. Especially when we're talking about women. You never know until you get in the situation how the friend is really going to react and it's not worth putting the friendship in jeopardy.

However, if you're talking about an air-kiss friend, a new friend, a work friend or something of that ilk and you know that you will skip along your merry way when if the friendship mashes up, proceed to step two.

2. How significant is the ex?

Significance comes in many forms. If it's an ex that your friend was in love with or a relationship that was longer than a year, abort the mission. You're wading in shark-infested waters my friend. Those are obvious ones; but short relationships can be dangerous ground as well. Bad breakups, tumultuous and dramatic relationships, and unresolved relationships are all landmines you probably don't want to be dragging your private parts through.

3. Where were you when the relationship (and especially the breakup) was happening?

This is the most important variable as far as I'm concerned. If we're talking about a new friend and an old ex, I could deal with it. The friendship might end, but I wouldn't slice the bitch's throat over it or anything like that.  However, a friend who was there during the whole relationship, who hung out with me and the dude, witnessed our struggles, and provided a shoulder to cry on when shit went sour? Oh no she's dead if she goes anywhere near him. He should be dead to her after the relationship ends. Okay that might be a bit over the top, but you get what I'm saying.

Sidebar: Not to beat the whole Private Practice reference to death, but this is the part where I just can't with Addison and Sam. Addison was there for their whole marriage. She delivered their daughter! She witnessed the whole thing and to then up and get with the man causes Naomi to go back and question everything that has ever happened between the three of them. That is effed up in my book. But anyway.

4. What's your objective?  

Now this may be slightly backward, particularly in light of my views on the subject of casual sex, but a friend who just slams my ex for the sake of filling up her sugar bowl is a dead woman walking. We know I love pipe more than life, but it is so not worth the level of aggravation that will ensue when I find out. And I will find out. However, if they are genuinely in love, if there's a future, if it's something...real (for lack of a better word) then I probably won't kill her.

So if you're my friend and you're contemplating retracing my steps, you have my blessing so long as you land on the right side of the line on these variables. I'm not sure that's possible....but give it a shot. Plus all my exes are so worthless you deserve whatever disease you get if you mess with them.

Sidebar: When I was in love with Snickers but before we got together one of my good friends asked me if I would still be her friend if she got with him. I told her no and she was crushed...but she did it anyway. Obviously, he was her ex when I finally wore him down got with him but I did it anyway and felt no shame about it.

That's my take on it, but what say you, dear readers?  Have you gone there with your friend's ex? Would you? How would you react if your friend did this to you? 

Fall for Your Type

If you asked me to articulate what my type is, I probably wouldn't be able to do it.  At one time I would have said that tall men are my type, but after 3 relationships with 6'5"+ types, I'm off that. As you are well aware, I have a major thing for well-spoken types, but none of the men I've loved have been particularly articulate. And while manners are a huge thing for me, most of the men I've been with have been agonizingly discourteous.

Instead I seem to have a weakness for difficult men. Life-smart, rather than book-smart men. Men with encyclopedic knowledge of hip hop. Athletes or former athletes. Dapper men. Funny men. Leos. Intimidating men. Captain of the Football-team types (this is max-talk for uber-cool, highly sought-after, pussy falling out of his pocket types). This is the the type of man I usually fall for. Unfortunately, these dudes also tend to be conversation-averse. Trust-phobic. Selfish. Discourteous. Mind-fuckers and general assholes.

Such is life I guess. 

My friends are continually urging me to expand my horizons and date beyond my type. It's a good strategy, I'm sure, but I haven't had much success with it. There might be men out there who are more appropriate for a weirdo woman like me, but they just don't have the za za zu. And what's dating without that?

What about you guys? Do you have a type that you repeatedly fall for? Is it the right type for you? Share with me in the comments. 

Throwback Tuesday - The Art of the Game

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd repost all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

'[Ladies,] when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much.Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!'
(from The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider)

Ridiculous, right? I know.
But consider this:

'I say that maybe she should stop reading it.
'I know...But it's like I've been trying to catch a fish by swimming around with them. I keep making myself get in the water again. I try different rivers. I change my strokes. But nothing works. Then I find this guide that tells me about fishing poles and bait, how to cast and what to do when the line gets taut...The depressing part is that you know it will work.'
(from The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank)

Don't we all feel this way?

I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't read, bought, or skimmed at least one of the following books: The Rules, Why Men Love Bitches, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, He's Just Not That Into You, or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. And while most women recognize the impracticality of following their advice, there is just enough truth to it to stop us from completely disregarding them (and because I have male readers, I'm not gonna get into the nitty-gritty of what the books say - can't give away all our secrets). The challenge is how to balance this dogmatic advice with a) the dating pool in your city and b) your own personality.

For example, The Rules tells women not to ever accept a date if the man gives you less than four days' notice. To which women inevitably say, 'I don't know a single man that would ever give four days notice! if I listen to these dumb bitches Ii'll never get a date!'

On the other hand, any smart woman knows a man will only put forth as much effort as you require him to. So if you don't insist on notice, you'll never get it. All the same, four days seems a bit extreme, no? So where does the solution lie? Somewhere in between I guess.

The main point that all these books make (and yes, I have read them all) is that men are hunters and without the chase they get bored. So women can't be too available. Which I think is absolutely true. It's in the execution that problems begin:

'Invite a man over for dinner and when he gets there pop a bag of microwave popcorn. Put it in a bowl if he's really special'?
That's pretty extreme. A woman reads something like that and just gives up because the shit is so improbable.

'When the cheque comes for dinner, don't even look at it and under no circumstances make an attempt to pay it'
Most men I know expect a woman to at least offer, even when she knows her offer won't be accepted.

'Don't be funny. Funny is masculine'
But what if you're just a funny person?

At one point in my life I gave up on these games altogether. I decided to just 'be myself' and 'be real' and lay my feelings and availabilities on the line without agenda or strategy. I considered it a social experiment and if you've been paying attention you know how that worked out.

So are games the answer for women? I'm not convinced. I think that what the problem is - and what these books ignore - is the way in which a woman will prioritize a man; right from the very beginning. She can be in the middle of a serious conversation with a friend and if Mr. New Dude calls on the other line, she'll drop everything to take the call. And once she has him on the phone, she's not switching over to answer a beep. She'll blow off plans with her friends for a date with dude and not think twice about it.

If I ever wrote a dating advice book, it would be one line long - live your life, girl. If you're on the phone and he beeps in, send his ass to voicemail just like you would your mother. If he hits you on BBM while you're sleeping, sleep. If you have plans with your friends, go about your business and let him catch you another time. You don't need to invent a life just to trick a man into thinking you're interesting and desirable, just live the one you have so that you actually will be.

That's my two cents. Post yours in the comments.

The Ladylike Chronicles

I decided to switch things up around here and start a new post series. Welcome to The Ladylike Chronicles. Yesterday's post about whether a raunchy bigmouth such as myself will ever find love inspired a lot of interesting discussion. But as much as I love the idea that "just being myself" will result in men falling at my feet completely enthralled with my comfort in my own skin, I'm still calling bullshit on 95% of yesterday's comments.

So I've decided to do an experiment: being ladylike in my dealings with men to prove that it will yield superior results to being myself.

The target: A dude who has only encountered my friendly side and not my loud and dirty side.

Codename: Fire

The situation thus far: Fire and LadyGirl (that's me) have met, chatted a couple of times, and exchanged a couple of email messages. He has not at all been exposed to my unladylike side.

The mission: Behave like a proper lady in my dealings with the target and see if he asks me out. I will be feminine, polite, and demure. I will not swear. I will not start my sentences with "dude" (thanks hl_bb) and under no circumstances will I use a "dirty" word. And he will obviously know nothing about this blog.

Measure of success: A date

This ought to be fun. If you have tips for me, share them in the comments.

Not Such a Proper Young Lady

Some tidbits about me:

Among my favourite songs (click title to read the lyrics):

Wildflower - Ghostface Killah

Stapleton Sex - Ghostface Killah

Oochie Wally - QB's Finest

Big Booty Hoes - Notorious B.I.G. & Too $hort

Among my favourite words:

cock

cunt

fuckery

pussy

basically every dirty word known to man (©emti)

Among my favourite movies:

Doggystyle

It may surprise you to know that I was raised to be a proper young lady. At thirteen I was being taught how to walk in heels (with books on my head), how to sit properly, how to apply makeup and tweeze my brows. I was never supposed to be seen in public not dressed "properly" or with my hair not "properly" done. If I were to smoke (which a proper young lady should never do) I was to never, ever allow someone to take a picture of me with a cigarette in my hand because that is the epitome of unladylike. I learned that it's not ladylike to curse, raise your voice, or remove your shoes in public.

Yeah so um, if you've been on this blog even once before I'm sure you know how most of that turned out. With the exception of my fierce stiletto walk and aversion to people being barefoot in public, most of my ladylike training went out the window a long time ago. Though sometimes shy, I can be brash, bold, abrasive, loud, and downright raunchy when I'm ready. In a nutshell, I like dirty words, dirty songs, and dirty boys.

I have always considered my perpetually single status to be completely incidental to my unladylike personality. But lately I've been wondering whether the two might be connected. On the one hand, I've seen many times a man's eyes light up when he hears me say something like 'that's a lot of work for some pussy'. And lord knows my male friends love to hear me tell them 'you gotta learn how to treat a ho like a ho!' not that they ever listen. It is an indisputable fact of life that real men delight in my special brand of bold raunchiness.

It is also a fact though that these men are not trying to date me. And it's also a fact that the women they are trying to date are not raunchy like me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not without behaviour. I know that there is a time and a place for this kind of talk and I can squelch it and do the 'proper Christian lady' routine when required; but it's not me and I don't do it unless I have to. But I'm wondering if my idea of  'when I have to' might be a little off.  I know enough to leave raunchy max at home when I'm meeting my man's mother for the first time, but should I leave her home when I meet him? When I meet his friends? For the duration of our relationship?  If I want to be a wifey do I have to first be a lady?

The older I get the more I think that what my mother and aunties taught me as a teen was the right idea. I think that being bold, outspoken, and dirty will gain you many male friends but not a husband. Not that I'm in any way looking for that.  But just like I'm starting to think that crazy gets the guy, I'm starting to also believe that lady gets the guy.

As always ladies and gentlemen, I want to hear your thoughts. You guys have been extra quiet lately and it's hurting my feelings. So tell me ladies, is being ladylike important to you? Do you strive to appear ladylike with a prospective date even if it's not your true nature? Do you let a man see your rough side? Men - is being ladylike an important quality in a prospective wifey? A prospective beat? Ooops - a proper young lady wouldn't refer to a woman as a beat, would she? Anyway - educate me people. 

Oh and Sam Sharpe I'm calling you out again - you gave me a good answer last night on twitter but share it here again for your fans please.