I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

The other day while pretending to work toiling away at my incredibly demanding job my ipod delivered a one-two punch of songs that sent my little brain spinning - Your Girl by Mariah Carey and Tell Me You Love Me by Amerie. The basic premise of both songs is this: you don't know it but I’m the girl for you and I’m going to make you fall in love with me and do my bidding.

It's not a particularly new concept, but it got me thinking - is it possible to lead a man from zero (complete disinterest) to 10 (completely besotted) just because you want to?  It reminded me of two girls I knew back when I first moved to Toronto; each of whom set their sights on a man and basically went after him with such force that he was powerless to resist her. One married her target and 10 years later they’re blissfully happy. The other – after stealing him from his current fiancé – cannot stand the dude.

The only time I’ve ever put in real work to make a man love me was with Snickers, and that was really less about getting him to love me and more about getting him to admit that he loved me. Since then I really cannot be bothered to put in much work. Once I’m in a relationship I’ll work hard to keep my dude happy but my strategy for getting a man to like me basically boils down to 1. Dazzle him 2. Confuse the shit out of him. When If that doesn’t work it’s on to the next.

Given that I’m single, I’m thinking my strategy might not be as comprehensive as it could be. So I took to the internets to see what other #swindles tactics the ladies are using to attract a man. So without further ado I give you Top 10 Ways to Make a Man Love You:


1. Look good

I shouldn't even have to tell you this. If you don't know by now that men are visual creatures then you're probably not even old enough to be on this blog. But I'm going to remind you one more time that if you're trying to capture a man's interest you're gonna need to look good. What that means depends on who you are and the circumstances and I'm trusting that you have enough judgement to make the right choice. Just look good and sexy in a non-trashy, non I will let your boys run a triz on me kinda way.


2. Get in the path of destruction

The lovely and talented Dr. Jay already schooled us on this. If you want a man to notice you you have to be in his line of sight. I know The Rules and all those books tell us that he has to chase after us, but it's a little difficult to get him to do that if he doesn't know or care that you exist. So as @emti would say - you gotta chase him until he chases you.

3. Be a social butterfly

People are lemmings and they always want what everyone else wants. So if he sees that other people want to be around you and hang out with you it will likely pique his interest.  However this can backfire if you're seen with too many dudes as being "too social"...some dudes don't like that.

4. Be cool

Drama is never a good thing but it's never worse than when a man is first starting to notice you. We all know how lasting first impressions are right? You don't want him to think of you and immediately recall the fracas you got into with your ex's next at the club the other day. So avoid drama at all costs at least while he's present.

5. Be yourself...kinda

For the record I am not advocating being fake or engaging in any trickery to capture your target, but I cannot unequivocally advise you to just be yourself as so many other people do. Be yourself, but be the most interesting you or the most charming you or the most flirtatious you. But don't be the you who is complaining loudly about your menstrual cramps or bad-mouthing your no-good ex. Don't be yourself like that. Please.

6. Gas up his head

For many men, what attracts him to a woman is less about the woman herself and more about the way she makes him feel about himself. Honest, sincere compliments give men a nice little boost. This is a good thing. It's a great thing if you pay him a compliment he's never heard before or doesn't hear often. If he feels good around you he'll want to be around you.

7. Feign Show interest in what he’s interested in

The idea that we are drawn to people who share our interests is pretty straightforward; I don't think I need to elaborate on that. So yes if you share an appreciation for vintage OutKast with the dude, letting him know that is a good move. But even if you're not into what he's into, displaying a genuine interest in it will serve you well.

8. Go for the nose

This is what you do: when you know you're gonna see the dude, "paint your nails" right before you leave the house. The dab a little bit of your "love" the same places you'd apply fragrance. For one thing, you'll have a great post-orgasmic glow and for another you'll be giving off all kinds of pheromones and pussy-fragrance. What man can resist that?

Too much? Okay well try this instead: Wear the same scent every time you see him. Make sure he gets close enough to smell it on you. Sooner or later he'll come to associate that fragrance with you and wherever he smells it - even if it's between the thighs of some other chick - he'll think of you.

10. Gently confuse him

Once you've put all this work into getting this dude to lust after you, you don't want to mess it up by being too available. Men are hunters and they get off on challenges so make it a little difficult for him or he'll consider you conquered and move on to the next one. And don't let anyone tell you different.

What say you guys? You've been awfully quiet lately and you know I lose my blogging mojo when you guys don't interact with me. So I want to hear from you. Ladies - what tips or tricks do you have to get a man interested? Men - do you think these tactics would work on you? Speak your piece in the comments.

Oh and before I forget - vote for me!

Reckless Talk

Don’t forget to vote for me for the Black Weblog Awards! All the info you need is right here.

In this day and age of casual sex, unrelationships, and random hook-ups, the need to keep our business quiet is greater than ever. Twitter, Facebook, and the always-watching streets can blow up your spot in an instant if you’re not careful. And while it’s one thing for us to do dirt, it’s quite another thing to have the whole world know about it.

The obvious solution of course is to hold down the information that you don’t want spread; whether it’s your own dirt or someone else’s. So if your bestie confided in you that she swallowed the seeds of her ex’s ace-boon-coon, you just put that info in the same vault that houses that time you got a little tipsy and went muff-diving with your college roommate. You just lock those little secrets up and throw away the key and your secrets are safe forever, right? Wrong.

Keeping secrets is all well and good, but it is possible to blow up a spot without spilling a secret, and that is by talking reckless.  Reckless talk is basically the “everything but” of secret-keeping; you’re not coming out and spilling; but you’re dancing as closely to it as possible and it’s a real problem; especially because a lot of people don’t know they’re doing it.

Not sure whether you’ve ever been guilty of reckless talk? Check out the top four sins of the reckless talker:

1. Veiled hints, random jokes and “subtle” digs

This is a pretty common way to recklessly reveal a secret; but it’s used more often by the trusted confidante of the dirt-doer than by the dirt-doer himself. This is the signature move of frenemies. 

Say for example you slammed the man your good-good-girlfriend has been lusting after for years and were dumb enough to confide in her about it. Then the next time you are all out together she starts dropping hints, cracking jokes, and making little sarcastic comments. You’re looking at her extra sideways like – are you trying to bait me out?  Yep she is.

2. Bringing inside jokes outside

I have uncovered more than one twitter hook up romance just by watching the “private” jokes fly back and forth between tweeters. Yeah that little bit you guys do about where you call him "Ron" and he calls you "Freddie" may seem like an unbreakable code when your brain has been addled by lust, but it only took me 0.02 seconds to get the reference and conclude that you're playing hide the banana, so you may want to save that for pillow talk.

3. Suspect tweets

Let’s say one of my favourite bloggers is visiting my city for a long weekend. We make plans to hang out and it turns into a hook-up. We decide to just keep it between us and not tell anyone. But the next thing you know I’m on twitter talking about “The bed in @streetztalk’s hotel room is really comfortable”. That’s reckless talk and it deserves a hard slap.

4. Offering of extraneous information

This is another one that is most often perpetrated by an innocent party rather than the person trying to keep secrets. Let me give you an example of what it looks like:

One night a mostly platonic male friend and I were out at a party. We bumped into an old acquaintance of his and he stopped to chat. After a few minutes she says something along the lines of "Oh is this your girlfriend? I'm so excited to finally meet you! I can't believe you guys have been together for almost 10 years and this is the first time I'm seeing you".

Reckless talk! What if I was the jump-off or the next side piece? That woman and her lose lips would have effed the whole flex up for him. There is no need for anyone to be offering up all that information unprompted...that's just reckless.

I’m sure that at least one of you is going to say that there’s no reason to be concerned about reckless talk if you’re not doing anything wrong and I guess that is partly true. At the same time, the same way that you wouldn’t come out and tell the world the name, rank, and serial number of the last dude that visited your honey box is the same way you don’t need to subtly allude to the identity of the last woman who choked on your seeds. There are a lot of people out there who just go around looking for clues so they can gather dirt on people. Govern yourself accordingly.

What about you guys? Have you ever been exposed by a reckless talker? Ever blown up your own spot with reckless talk? Speak on it in the comments.

The Amazing Disappearing Man

Ah the amazing disappearing man. Songs are written about him, books celebrate his ability to transcend time, entire blogs are dedicated to him. It's a sad fact of the life of a single woman that every now and then you're gonna lose a man. Not lose in the sense of "we were in a relationship and I fcuked up and now I've lost the love of my life", but lose in the sense of misplace; as in "I don't know where that man got to. I just saw him a minute ago and now he's completely disappeared".

The amazing disappearing man is not an actual man, he's more like the alter ego of your current man. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, the amazing disappearing man will appear (ha!) as a result of stimulus. The pisser is though that his victims rarely get to know what the catalyst of the disappearance was. And the real pisser is that the disappearance can occur anywhere from one minute to five years after the fact.

Say for example you and the FWB are hitting it hot and heavy one night. After the seeds are wiped up all is said and done he's a little bit quieter than usual. But you're too busy congratulating yourself for the hurting you just put on him to ask why your chum is so glum. You skip off along your merry way knowing that that boy isn't about to forget your name in a hurry.  Until a few weeks go by and your vagina starts tapping you on the shoulder and you look around and homeboy has disappeared. He hasn't hit you up, he's not responding to your texts or emails, and since this is a mutual jump-off society you can't really show up at his house or ask around about his whereabouts without looking thirsty. You have to just accept it - he done disappeared.

This story repeats itself endlessly through history. Maybe it's the dude you had a few great dates with, maybe it's the one you met online who invited you travel cross-country to visit him but wasn't there when you arrived in his city. The amazing disappearing man comes in all varieties and he's a fcuking asshole.

So what's a gal to do when a man amazingly disappears on her? Well there's not a lot she can do - no point searching for someone who doesn't want to be found. Spreading the word among your common friends is only going to let the world know that someone has gone into hiding to get away from you. Writing bad haikus about love offered and withdrawn is only going to burn out the eyeballs of the friends who are forced to read it.

My advice to you? Move on with your life. Because if there's one thing that's true about the amazing disappearing man it's this - sooner or later he always comes slithering out of his hole. Usually about 30 seconds after you've forgotten all about him. Be ready.

So ladies, have you ever had a man amazingly disappear on you? Did you know why? Did he come back?  And men - I know you have pulled this trick at least once in your life. Explain yourself in the comments.

Throwback Tuesday - One is the Onliest Number

For most of my adult life I've been a one-woman show. And notwithstanding my auntie's prayers for a husband for me and my mum's assurances that "my time will come", I'm okay with it. Let's face it, I’m way too weird and way too solitary to really flourish in a long-term relationship.

I’ve really never bemoaned walking through life alone, but lately I’ve caught myself wondering if I should have married young.  Then again, the catalyst for these musings is always either some calamity that I don’t want to deal with or something heavy that I don’t want to lift, so I don’t think I have a crisis on my hands just yet.

It does make me wonder though whether I'll ever be willing to give up the sublime joy of living alone and let a (gasp!) boy move in here. Right now the idea holds just about zero appeal, but I’m still young(ish) and hot and running the streets every chance I get. Having a man to tend to will just slow me down! Ten years from now it might be a different story.

So in order to prepare myself for the possibility of co-habiting again, I’ve been giving some thought to the possible benefits of having a live-in man at casa max. This is what I’ve come up with so far:

1. He could take out the garbage.

2. He could investigate when I hear loud noises in the middle of the night.

3. He could lift heavy things.

4. He could nag me to do the things I am too lazy to do such as take my vitamins.

5. He could help me figure out which shoes to wear with my outfits.

Hmm that's all I can think of. That's sad.

Oh wait!

6. He could untangle the knots that I always get in my necklaces.

Oh good lord that's all I can come up with.  But I did come up with a few cons of having a man around. Let's take a look, shall we?

1. He will complain about the number of toiletries I have strewn all over the place.

2. He will complain about the number of shoes I have strewn all over the place.

3. He will talk to me when I am reading.

4. More laundry to do because I do not trust men to wash clothes for me. (Oh but I just thought of a pro! He could iron for me!)

5. He will snore. And while I don't really mind snoring so much, given a choice I'd prefer not to listen to it.

6. He will turn the television up too loudly. I know he will.

7. Although he could take out the garbage, in actuality he wouldn't and that would irritate me.

8. He will want to keep his clothes in my closets after I've finally gotten them arranged the way I want them

So yeah, all things considered it doesn't seem like having a man around wouldn't accomplish the same thing as hiring a handyman and a housekeeper. And I would have a lot more closet space.

Am i missing something? Enlighten me please!

Throwback Tuesday - The Art of the Game

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd repost all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

'[Ladies,] when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much.Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!'
(from The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider)

Ridiculous, right? I know.
But consider this:

'I say that maybe she should stop reading it.
'I know...But it's like I've been trying to catch a fish by swimming around with them. I keep making myself get in the water again. I try different rivers. I change my strokes. But nothing works. Then I find this guide that tells me about fishing poles and bait, how to cast and what to do when the line gets taut...The depressing part is that you know it will work.'
(from The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank)

Don't we all feel this way?

I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't read, bought, or skimmed at least one of the following books: The Rules, Why Men Love Bitches, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, He's Just Not That Into You, or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. And while most women recognize the impracticality of following their advice, there is just enough truth to it to stop us from completely disregarding them (and because I have male readers, I'm not gonna get into the nitty-gritty of what the books say - can't give away all our secrets). The challenge is how to balance this dogmatic advice with a) the dating pool in your city and b) your own personality.

For example, The Rules tells women not to ever accept a date if the man gives you less than four days' notice. To which women inevitably say, 'I don't know a single man that would ever give four days notice! if I listen to these dumb bitches Ii'll never get a date!'

On the other hand, any smart woman knows a man will only put forth as much effort as you require him to. So if you don't insist on notice, you'll never get it. All the same, four days seems a bit extreme, no? So where does the solution lie? Somewhere in between I guess.

The main point that all these books make (and yes, I have read them all) is that men are hunters and without the chase they get bored. So women can't be too available. Which I think is absolutely true. It's in the execution that problems begin:

'Invite a man over for dinner and when he gets there pop a bag of microwave popcorn. Put it in a bowl if he's really special'?
That's pretty extreme. A woman reads something like that and just gives up because the shit is so improbable.

'When the cheque comes for dinner, don't even look at it and under no circumstances make an attempt to pay it'
Most men I know expect a woman to at least offer, even when she knows her offer won't be accepted.

'Don't be funny. Funny is masculine'
But what if you're just a funny person?

At one point in my life I gave up on these games altogether. I decided to just 'be myself' and 'be real' and lay my feelings and availabilities on the line without agenda or strategy. I considered it a social experiment and if you've been paying attention you know how that worked out.

So are games the answer for women? I'm not convinced. I think that what the problem is - and what these books ignore - is the way in which a woman will prioritize a man; right from the very beginning. She can be in the middle of a serious conversation with a friend and if Mr. New Dude calls on the other line, she'll drop everything to take the call. And once she has him on the phone, she's not switching over to answer a beep. She'll blow off plans with her friends for a date with dude and not think twice about it.

If I ever wrote a dating advice book, it would be one line long - live your life, girl. If you're on the phone and he beeps in, send his ass to voicemail just like you would your mother. If he hits you on BBM while you're sleeping, sleep. If you have plans with your friends, go about your business and let him catch you another time. You don't need to invent a life just to trick a man into thinking you're interesting and desirable, just live the one you have so that you actually will be.

That's my two cents. Post yours in the comments.

Crash the Car

The ever-talented Dr.Jay returns with his take on yesterday's post. I thought my idea was good but his is sheer evil genius. After you read this, check him out over at your favourite blogger's favourite blog.


Have you ever been on a different page than someone else? However, you were afraid of how they would react if you told them the reality of the situation? Today’s session is about crashing the car. I had a friend who was telling me about a situation she was going through with a male friend who may be thinking the relationship is more than friends, but she was afraid for her safety if she didn’t just go along with what he was thinking and manage her own actions. I told her, “Sometimes you have to get in their lane and then crash the car.”


Here’s what I’m talking about:


Sometimes men and women meet and the guy is thinking in his head that he would like to sleep with or date the lady. In her mind, she is like I just want to be friends. As most men typically will say, he agrees and says yes, let’s just be friends. He says this, but his opinion will never change, EVER. Final Answer.


As friends they hang out a few times and they start to hang out regularly. But in her mind, he’s just a friend. At some point she wants to do something else other than hang with the guy and it upsets the guy because in his mind, he’s trying to talk to this girl and she’s not being responsive. He may react, snap back at her, send a dry or angry text message, etc. She’s wondering why he’s doing this and thinks that maybe he’s just a little sensitive. Going forward and after several conversations or email exchanges about the nature of the relationship and that she is not interested in any type of relationship outside of friendship, he still insists that it’s cool that they remain friends. BUT IN HIS MIND, he’s thinking that this is merely a setback and proceeds as planned. Some guys will even go as far as to start to act out because in their mind, arguments are a sign of a good/healthy relationship. Be careful to check your Terrorist Alert Advisory Level.


So what do you do? How do you get this guy to lay off without causing him to do something crazy that may involve him harming himself or you? You have to get in his lane. So slide into his lane of “talking”. Get him to think that you are being responsive to his advances. And then you CRASH THE CAR. Find a way for him to find out that you are talking to someone else, or that you are a horrible person to be in a romantic situation with.


Here are some ways you can do that:


1. Send him a text in the morning, after not seeing him the previous night saying, “Had a great time, we should get up again soon.” When he receives it he’ll think that you’re talking to someone else and get upset and be done with you. Although you totally fabricated this situation. (I am guilty of pulling this text trick. It works like a charm).


2. After some time, ask him if he would have a problem if you were talking to other guys while talking to him. Because men are territorial, he’ll say no he has no problem, but now that he knows that it will begin to bother him and he’ll begin to waver.


3. Just be a horrible person to be talking to. Turn off your phone at night. Disappear for hours. Change/cancel plans. I mean flat out just frustrate this guy once you are “talking”. He’ll see a big difference between when you were just friends and now that you’re talking and fade to black.


In Dr. J’s opinion, there’s nothing wrong with a little Phantom of the Opera.


So what do you guys think? Will Dr. Jay's method work to get rid of the dude who can't take a hint? The next time I have a pest I'm giving it a try.

Pest Control

It is a sad but true fact that into every woman’s life a little infestation must fall. For us gals, the existence of pests is as ubiquitous as a trip to the feminine care aisle at Shopper’s and every bit as unpleasant. 

These pests come in many forms – an ex who just needs one more chance, a completely unsuitable man we gave some to in a moment of weakness, or a poor sap whose only crime is residing on the wrong rung of the ladder.

Whoever he is, a pest can make a woman’s life a living hell. On the surface he seems like a great guy – he’ll call you just to see how you are, he’ll bring you Tim Horton’s when you’re having a late-night craving, and he is ready and willing to take you out for Valentine’s Day. Problem is he’s calling you while you’re staring at the phone willing the guy you really want to call you. He wants to stay – and will try to bone – after he’s dropped off your Tim’s. And while he might bring you flowers when he picks you up for your Valentine’s date, he’ll spend the whole evening staring at you with this pathetic hangdog look that makes you just want to slap the sh*t out of him.

So what’s a girl to do with a pest? Word on the street is a woman has three choices:

1. Ignore him
A lot of women say that this just feels wrong. It’s mean to ignore people, isn’t it? But are they really that nice? Or are their heads being gassed up by all this attention? I think you know the answer to that.

2. Tell him the truth.
It might be mean, but nothing says go away like a text message saying “You’re annoying and I will never, ever want you. Ever.”

3. Grit your teeth and tolerate your pest until he loses interest and finds someone else to harass love.
Unfortunately, your pest will most likely misinterpret your gritted-teeth tolerance as encouragement. This man is clueless and he lacks the natural filter that distinguishes politeness from vibes.

So I ask the question again – what’s a girl to do?

A couple of months ago I took the question to the streets i.e. Twitter and Facebook. I asked the ladies “How do you deal with a man who’s a pest and won’t leave you alone?” The answers were pretty evenly divided between ignore, tell him to buzz off, and grit your teeth and bear it. So I took it to the men to see if they had anything illuminating to add.  They all said they would tell a pest to go away. Me? I have a different tactic: fall in love with your pest.

I know you’re thinking I’m crazy right now, so let me school you. It is a fundamental fact of dating life that a man wants that which he cannot have. Men get off on the douleur exquise and no one more so than a pest. So why not remove the thrill and faux-fall in love? It’s quick, it’s dirty, it does the job every time. If your pest is blowing up your phone, just pick it up, act thrilled to hear from him, and launch into an ultra-excited diatribe about your day. Make sure you drag it out until his phone battery dies. Pester your pest about his schedule and try to fill every empty window of his time. And instead of ignoring his eyes when he stares at you with desperate wanting, gaze lovingly at him every chance you get.

In other words, give your pest a taste of his own medicine. It works every time.

Can I have a hug?

A single woman has the one thing everyone in the world should value - freedom. You do what you want, when you want, if you want, and you never have to consider anyone's feelings but your own. If that isn't living, I don't know what is.

Now if you're a smart single woman, you've structured your life in such a way so as to leave no gaps. If you're me the kind of woman who hates plunging the toilet, you have a man on standby to do that. If you're the type that would rather commit suicide than go to a wedding alone, you have a date-in-a-jar ready and willing to accompany you. And of course, any single woman worth her salt has a maintenance man on speed-dial to keep her parts oiled. What more do you need?

The thing is though that no matter how happy we are to be single and no matter how many safeguards we put in place, there's one thing a single gal can't seem to get on tap: a little affection. Try calling your maintenance man and asking him to come over and give you a kiss on the forehead. Or ask your best male friend to come give you a squeeze because you've had a hard day and you'll see what I mean. As much as we single women know we don't need a man to make us happy, the truth we all don't like to acknowledge is that there's nothing more comforting than some good old-fashioned affection from a man.

Maybe other single ladies don't have this problem but affection is my kryptonite. Every once in a while when I feel like life is beating me down, I start to seriously contemplate giving up the glory of single life and finding a relationship. Not because of the double income, or the regular sex (although that has all kinds of appeal) but just for the sheer pleasure of having someone around who I can force to rub my head when it hurts or play with my hair while we watch TV. Then I remember that men stop doing that shit after they hit it the first time. And just like that, all's right in my world again.

Am I alone on this one? What do you guys feel you're missing out on in being single?

Double Feature Day - Looking for trouble

Note: I wasn't really feeling today's post, so I decided to make it double feature day. Don't get used to it - it will probably never happen again. Also I really wanted to hear your thoughts on this one, so don't let me down.

When I get involved with a new dude, at some point I end up telling him that I don’t like trouble. This usually comes up during the rules-setting conversation that us control freaks like to have. The gist of my spiel is basically “Do what you do wanna do, but be smart about it because I don’t like trouble”.  They usually know what I mean by that. I’ve written about this before: I don’t concern myself with what the man I’m involved with does with other girls on his own time, as long as it doesn’t blow up in my face.

But lately something strange has been happening. If you follow me on twitter, you know that every night around 10:00pm, I start tweeting that I’m looking for trouble. And I am, though I don’t know why. It could be because I’m bored, or because I feel like I have nothing to write about anymore – safe, quiet lives don’t really make for interesting blog posts. Could be that my life is in a period of change and upheaval and I want to feel more agitated than I do. Maybe it has to do with someone I met recently who seems like trouble but whom I am intrigued by. Maybe it’s because I’ve become used to always having some kind of bacchanal going on and lately the only drama I deal with is someone else’s. Whatever the reason, I’m looking for trouble.

The problem is though, that I’m looking for the right kind of trouble. Good trouble, not bad trouble. The distinction is clear in my mind, but maybe not so much to other people.
So let’s examine it – good trouble vs. bad trouble.

Bad trouble – anything that doesn’t have to do with men, sex, or relationships. Going to jail for tax evasion (not that I’m guilty of that or anything) is not the kind of trouble I’m looking for.
Good trouble – anything that gives me a reason to keep my nether regions groomed

Good trouble – throwing caution to the wind and just accepting what life brings
Bad trouble – about 99% of what life would bring

Good trouble – a brief affair with an unsuitable man
Bad trouble – said unsuitable man’s wifey calling my phone talking about “stay away from him!”
Bad trouble – or wifey cutting me, trying to fight me, or throwing acid on my face

Good trouble – sex with an ex
Bad trouble – getting sucked back into a relationship with said ex
Bad trouble – then having to be in a relationship

Good trouble – a “platonic” friendship with a man I desperately want to bone
Bad trouble – having a platonic friendship with someone I want to bone

Good trouble – exploring bi-curiosity
Bad trouble – having to eat…um, yeah never mind

What do you think oh wise ones? Should I indulge my appetite for trouble or play it safe and continue to spend my nights reading and watching bad tv? Advise me in the comments.

Happy Effing Valentine's Day

The dreaded day is coming. Valentine ’s Day. I planned to ignore it, even though my examiner.com editor tells me I have to write about it. I’m trying not to think about it. I remind myself that it has no relevance to me – it doesn’t inspire excitement, but it shouldn’t inspire dread either. But it does.
I’m happily single. I love being single and I really, really believe that I’m wired to be single. And while I may joke around every now and then that I should have gotten married so that there would be someone around here to take out the garbage and plunge the toilet, I cannot remember a time in my adult life when I’ve said “I wish I had a boyfriend”. Because I don’t.
Although some people probably look forward to February effing 14th, I would imagine that the day causes more misery than elation for most. Single people are miserable, coupled women gnash their teeth waiting to see if their men will step up to the plate, and coupled men are resentful and grudging that they are arbitrarily required to produce evidence of their love. And on All-Star Weekend, no less.  So I should be glad to be removed from the equation, right?

Until I was 33, I had never celebrated Valentine’s Day with someone special.  The men I’ve been involved with were not really into it and far be it from me to force them into doing something they don’t want to do. So until last year, I really had no idea what a good Valentine’s Day experience was. But last year I had a great one. I’m not going to get into detail, but it was nice. And notwithstanding the fact that it ultimately proved to be a farce, the experience gave me a frame of reference that is at least in part to blame for my ever-so-slightly wistful feelings this time around.  Now that I know what I’m missing, I’m kinda peeved about it.
Which brings me to reason #2: the lack of options. Being truly single (as in not dating) on Valentine’s Day is basically like knowing there’s a big ole party going on that you are not invited to. But you hear about it, you see the invites, you watch other people prepare for it, and even though you don’t know what’s going to happen there, you just know you’re missing out.
See the absolute best thing about being single is options. You have 100% autonomy over your life and you can do what the eff you like with it. The world is your oyster when you’re single and it’s great. But when it comes to Valentine’s Day, you’re disqualified if you don’t have a partner to celebrate it with and that’s no fun. Unless of course you’re one of those women that lies to herself has “Anti-Valentine’s Day” parties with her girlfriends. I was never really a fan of that; to me there is nothing sadder in life than a bunch of single women getting together on Valentine’s Day pretending they’d rather be out with their girls than hugged up somewhere with a man. I call bullshit on that, but I’m sure my single ladies will disagree.
So tell me fellow Singletons – how do you feel about Valentine’s Day? Just another bullshit commercialized holiday, or does it make you want to stab yourself in the eye?

the one that got away

My twitterbuddy Darling Nicky asked this question in her ladies quiz a couple of weeks ago:

Do you feel at this stage in your life, that you've already met the love of your life (even if not together)?

This was a no-brainer for me (if you've been paying attention, you should know the answer) but it did get my wheels turning...which led me to the notion of 'the one that got away'. Not in the traditional sense of the person that you met, fell for, and planned to have a future with until some bullshit went down for whatever reason you didn't end up together. No, today I'm thinking of the one that got away 2.0 - aka the man that got the better of me.

Let me just stop to fill you in on a fundamental fact of my life - I am slick. I am sooooo slick. I actually scare myself sometimes when I think about what an effing evil genius Ii am. When I turn my evil powers on, I have an uncanny ability to bend people to my will while they're walking around believing that what they do is their own idea. This is a great skill to have, but it does mean that I can get bored really quickly if I can work a man too easily. Which I almost always can.

Back to the one that got away. I was chatting with a friend a while back about a pebble I recently dropped (that's code for a crush i gave up on). This dude was the best thing I've come across in a while, smart and literate, masculine and well-dressed, funny and charming. And he had the nerve to be dark-skinned on top of everything else, the bastard. But after over a year of not-so-subtly sweating his ass, I had to let the crush go because it just wasn't fun anymore. Or at least that's what I thought the reason was; until my girl pissed on my parade englightened me by pointing out that this dude had out-played me.

Ii felt like Marcus Graham in when Jacqueline tells him he's getting too caught up. Just - destroyed. How can anyone beat me?

But looking back over that saga, I realized that there has never been a single moment in which I had the upper hand over this dude. No matter what slick move I made, he anticipated and countered it with a level of slickness I can't even comprehend. His game was so good that I didn't even know he was playing - and please believe me I'm a veteran (hi steve!) game-spotter.

Now the old stupid max would be so turned on by the realization of how slick this dude really is that she would immediately resurrect her crush. Max 2.0 knows the definition of insanity and is not gonna waste any more of her time. So i'll remain over my crush but this man will always hold a piece of my heart as the first - and hopefully only - man ever to out-slick me.

can a bad girl turn good?

i came across this post in my google reader the other day. and while the actual content of the post was bullshit had little to do with the title, it still got me thinking.... can a bad girl go good?

a wise man once said

They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever..

and while i make it a policy to never, ever disagree with Hov, this time I wonder how right he really is.

Consider this scenario:
A good girl grows up. She dates, she has relationships. She may have one or two one-night-stands here and there but for the most part she keeps sex confined to the realm of exclusive relationships. Then she gets her heart broken. She dusts herself off and tries again, only to get it broken again. And again. At which point she decides, no more relationships because he can't take the risk of getting her feelings hurt anymore. After a while, though, she begins to miss sex. But she still doesn't want to put her feelings out there. So she decides that she's just gonna have some fun, no strings, no attachments, no breakups.

She has now entered the realm of the bad girl.

Women's lib notwithstanding, a woman who routinely has sex without commitment is bad. No reason, no bad experience, no matter her comfort level with her choices, it's not a good look for a woman to just have random sex. So once a woman decides to head down that path is she lost forever?

Consider the above scenario but add a different ending: She decides to just have some fun, no strings, no attachments, no breakups, but after a year of that she decides that she wants to risk it all again and find true love. So she reverts to her good girl ways; dating, relationships, sex only in an exclusive relationship.
Is she now a good girl who took a vacation to badland? Or is she forever a bad girl?

I think that for most men, Jay-Z's quote holds true. Once you go bad, you can't come back. And I think it's about their egos more than anything else; I don't know a lot of men who would stand up with pride and say 'yes my girl has had a lot of bone in her, but she's all mine now'.

On the other hand though, doesn't that girl's experience in badland give her a greater perspective that might help her in her future relationships? I think so, but then again what I think is almost always the opposite of popular opinon.

So what's a bad girl to do? Move away? Deny her past? Languish forever in badland, her dreams of finding her one true love never to come true? Can a baddie get some love?