Very Bad Things

Please don’t forget to vote for me and your other favourite blogs for the Black Weblog Awards. All the details are right here.

Those of you who follow me on twitter should be well aware by now of my fixation with the Fed Ex man who delivers to my office. Any day that my stalking efforts pay off and I have the good fortune to run into him is a beautiful day and it’s not uncommon to see me tweet something along the lines of “I want the Fed Ex guy to do very bad things to me”.

For some reason, I can’t just appreciate his beauty or enjoy the witty banter we exchange in the elevator. It’s not even enough for me to say I have to have him. He’s in a whole other category of attractiveness that is almost dangerous.

My fixation on Mr. Fed Ex during my daily nail-painting sessions has led me to the realization that the men who light a fire in my groin catch my eye tend to fall into different categories. Generally speaking if I'm lusting after someone he is inspiring one of the following thoughts:

1. I want to get naked with him

At some point in life I think I wrote about the fact that if I’m interested in a man I picture him naked. This is the category he will graduate to if I like what I see in the mental picture. I’m attracted, I want to show him my lady parts, but I’m not losing too much sleep over it. These are the if it happens it happens kind of guys.

2. I want to hear him snore

If I catch myself wondering what a guy’s feet look like (rather than other much more important body parts I could be picturing), what he likes to eat for breakfast, or whether he snores it’s like a big DANGER! sign flashing in my brain. These are the men that I both lust after and genuinely like, and they must be snuffed off the face of the earth immediately before I catch feelings and have to turn in my player’s card.

3. I want him to make me question my morals

This is the holy grail of attractiveness and a man usually reaches this status by being really sexy, really smart, or really dirty. They don’t come around very often, but when they do, these men cloud my judgment in dangerous ways. A man in this category could get a coochie shot even though I am against them and he might even rate a sleepover, if for no other reason than he’s had his way with me and left my clothes in shreds.

Is it just me, or is this attractiveness-classification that my ladyflower brain automatically conducts a little odd? Am I the only one who does this? What categories do you put the objects of your lust in? Speak on it in the comments.

The Art of the Chase (Throwback Tuesdays)

aIn the old days, when I had my eye on a dude, I had one strategy: shameless and reckless pursuit. And although this method made for some great stories, it never really yielded optimal results.

But what is the right way to chase a man? And should we even be doing it? He’s Just Not that Into You says no. The whole premise of the book is that the excuses that women make for why men aren’t making an effort with them are just so much bullshit and if he was really into you he would make the effort. So should we women just leave it all in their hands?

Consider this scenario: a few years ago I got the feeling that a casual acquaintance of mine was flirting with me. I was getting vibes but I wasn’t quite certain where he was going with it – was he interested? was he just a flirt? was I reading into things? was he too shy to make a move? I just didn’t know and didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself by making a move on him. The whole thing would probably have fizzled out without anything significant happening had my uber-brilliant sister not stepped in. She mentioned to him at a party that if he wanted to make a move on me, she would be okay with that. And what do you know? A couple of days later he asked me out and everything was lovely after that (until we split up and he married someone else but that’s another story).

Knowing what I know about that dude now, I know that he would never have asked me out if my sister hadn’t let him know that his advances would be welcomed. So does that mean that he just wasn’t that into me? Or was that me/my sister taking a participatory role in the courtship dance rather than putting all the responsibility on the man?

Most women believe that men are dense. So we don’t believe that smiling with our eyes is enough for them to get the message. Instead we offer our numbers, ask for theirs, find them on facebook, befriend their friends, hunt them down at parties, and otherwise make ourselves so available that the man basically has to alter his behavioural patterns to get away from us. Ladies, I have something to tell you: shameless and reckless pursuit is not the business

Men are hunters and we must give them the opportunity to do that. Otherwise they just get bored and we have to work overtime to maintain their interest.

I have a new strategy these days and it goes like this: I give a man three signs that I would be open to his advances. Three subtle signs. If he doesn’t catch on after that he’s either a) too stupid for me or b)not interested in me and he either gets demoted to jump-off status or erased from my radar.

Ladies, how do you chase? Men, how do you like to be chased?

5 Dudes I Can't Stand

So we've talked about dudes I can't find and dudes I won't date....let's spend some time talking about my least favourite dudes...the dudes who make me want to kick them in the seeds and howl with glee as they writhe on the floor in agony. The dudes who aren't putting one single grain in my sugar bowl, no matter how low my blood sugar gets. The dudes I simply cannot stand.

1. The dusty foot philosopher

I hate a dusty foot philosopher. You know these guys. They're full of theories and "wisdom" that, when placed under the harsh light of reality, really don't amount to shit. 

These guys are most likely to come in two forms: there is the uber-spiritual, poor man's Dalai Lama, Rev. Run wannabe type that spout "inspirational" quotes and words of wisdom. Which in itself is not a bad thing; but if all you're ever able to express is platitudes, please don't come sit by me. That shit is boring as hell.

Then there are the "marketing and branding" types that are forever giving you "their" point of view on the latest social media craze, or dropping science about the Old Spice dude...or telling you how to preserve your personal brand on twitter. Which would be useful information if I hadn't just finished reading it in Advertising Age. Come back when you have an original thought okay?

3. The deflecting dude

Nothing is ever this guy's fault. He shows up an hour late for the date? It's your fault because you didn't text him the directions. He impregnated his side piece? It's her fault for not being on the pill. You beat him at Madden because you left the curtains open too wide and the sun got in his eyes and he pissed all over the toilet seat because you left it down.

While I have to give this guy points for originality, it's really tiresome to be with anyone who can't take responsibility for their actions....but when it's a man it's just too much. Get thee gone deflecting dude!

4. The relentless dude

This guy will not let it go. He's the guy that wants to chat you down when you're rushing home from work in the middle of a torrential rainstorm..."what you can't take a minute to say hi? Let me just walk with you then. Oh you gotta go? Well hit me with your number right quick". Or the dude who can't stop trying to convince you that Lebron is the greatest of all time even after you've told him repeatedly you don't give a shit. The one that won't stop pushing your head southward after you've told him you don't do that.  The one who will forever text you, DM you, call you, email you asking for sex no matter how many times you tell him it won't happen. The relentless dude is a disrespectful motherfcuker and he doesn't even know it. Back up off me relentless one!

5. The sometime-ish dude

Sometimes this guy want to fcuk you, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he'll speak to you, sometimes he won't. This is the guy who will text you after not hearing from him in months, engage you in a furious exchange of witty banter, and then disappear; never to be heard from again until the next time. This is the dude who goes from all up in your crotches to treating you like some gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe in 0.05 seconds. This guy sucks and the only cure for a sometimes dude is to turn him into a no-times dude; as in you don't have anything to do with him. Ever. At which point he will probably turn into a relentless dude.


5. The can't admit he just wants to f*ck dude.

Oh lord this guy kills me. This dude only just wants to bone you. And there is nothing wrong with that...I mean nothing that happens between a man and woman can be more beautiful than a little bit of pipe. But if poon is all you want then just say so. Grown up ladies can handle it. But no - this guy wants to pretend to be your friend, pretend to date you, pretend to care about your feelings and then up and disappear after you've given up the goods. And even then still won't admit that secks was all he wanted! I hate this dude and I'm done talking about him.

Okay that's my list - what kind of dudes can't you ladies stand? And men I know you have some ladies you're not effing with...share in the comments.

The Great Guy and the Regular Chick

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?
 
Last night I was gossiping talking to a girlfriend about a mutual friend of ours and his new-ish boo-piece. The dude is pretty dope. Very smart, highly educated and very well-read. Cultured and well-traveled but not obnoxious about it. He reads books and plays sports. Has good taste in music and movies. Attractive and well-hung built. And he's funny. He is, for lack of a better word, a great guy.

Now booski on the other hand is just...meh. She's a pretty girl, but in an entirely unspectacular way. Okay body dressed in the most generic offerings ever put forth by the regular girl trifecta of Old Navy/The Gap/Banana Republic. She's smart enough to follow the conversation when we all hang but seemingly without the ability to contribute to it. She's not funny but she's able to understand a joke and laugh unassumingly at it. Neither particularly friendly nor particular stand-offish. The kind of girl that you don't mind having around but who you don't miss when she's absent. She's not a reader or a sports fan and her taste in television shows is more The City than Lost, more The Hills than True Blood. Musically she's strictly Top 40. In short, she's just....regular.

Before hooking up with this girl, our buddy had been single for a long time. And being the kind of friends who like to discuss things repeatedly and ad nauseam, I had heard many times his spiel about how he was looking for exactly the right woman. While this guy is not arrogant in any sense of the word, he's well aware that he's a bit of a catch and was holding out for a woman who was a match for him. So the day he announced that he was bringing "someone for us to meet" to one of our hang out sessions, imagine our surprise when he showed up with a girl who was just...regular.

This is a phenomenon I've witnessed too many times. I'm fortunate to have a lot of dynamic men in my life; some exes, some cousins, some friends. And it seems that 99% of the time that these dudes wife up, the girl is just...milquetoast. Meanwhile my most interesting, most dynamic, funniest and coolest female friends remain perpetually single with ladyflowers drying up under the hot sun of celibacy.

What is up with that?

Being the loud mouths type of people we are, as soon as the opportunity arose my girl and I began to hammer our buddy with questions about her; progressing quickly through the polite "where did you meet/how did you get together" stuff and getting straight to the point - why her? His answer basically boiled down to that she was easy. Not easy in the sense of being a mattress, but easy in the sense of being drama free. Accommodating. Undemanding.

Well colour me high-maintenance, but I would shoot myself in the head if "easy" was my boyfriend's reason for being with me.

I'm aware now that pretty girls have a bad rep for being too much work...but is this also true about interesting girls? Smart girls? Funny girls? Stylish girls? Is a woman who is accommodating and easy but lacks a discernible personality really so preferable to one who might give you an occasional headache but who can excite you with her intellect or cajole you out of a bad mood with her humour? Should we as women stop focusing on being interesting and start working on being obsequious?

My informal twitter poll last night didn't yield any conclusive answers (sidebar: do you guys love how I always say "informal twitter poll" as if it's possible to have a "formal" poll on twitter??). There was a fair amount of people who mistook my definition of "regular" to mean pretty; therefore there were a fair amount of knee-jerk responses suggesting that the man has matured enough to value compatibility over looks. But don't get it twisted - pretty girls can be regular too. Being regular isn't about looks; to me it comes down to this: if someone asked me what you're like and I can't come up with five adjectives to describe your personality, you're regular. Because you have no distinguishing characteristics.

But anyway...what do you guys think? Is this dynamic guy-regular chick phenomenon one you've noticed before? Or is this just saltiness on the part of an interesting chick who can't find someone to take her to the outdoor movies at Harbourfront one of those things that can't be understood when you're looking at a relationship from the outside? Is there an inverse of this - dynamic women wifing regular dudes? And my gentleman - have you ever wifed a regular girl? Illuminate me in the comments.

Who Told You to Have Feelings (Throwback Tuesdays)

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?

Observe this conversation between fcuk buddies:

Girl: So can I come over tonight?
Boy: Nah, sorry I'm booked.
Girl: You're booked? What does that mean?
Boy: I mean I already have plans. Sorry.
Girl: Oh with another girl? Oh so it's like that then? Okay fine. Have fun. Talk to you later.
Boy: (confused) okay, um, bye.

Two days later...

Girl: You know you really hurt my feelings the other day...
Boy: (no memory of the above conversation) I did, how?
Girl: When I said I wanted to come over and you said you were booked.
Boy: *stupefied silence*

Ladies, I'm going after you today. You're wrong in three ways on this one:

1. Use of the phrase “another girl”

This implies that you thought you thought that you were the only girl. And the very fact that you are on fcuk buddy status with this dude should tell you that that is not the case. In fact, more times than not, you are the “other” girl.

2. Being Passive Aggressive

Saying “Okay fine. Have fun then” in a pissy tone of voice is a classic girl move that does not work. When men are in situations like this, they hear words, not inflections and not the feelings behind them. So if you're saying '”have fun” he's hearing “have fun” and moving on with his life. And you know you're pissed and you don't want him to have fun so why not try saying what's on your mind? I told you before, men are not mind readers. If you're disappointed that you can't get together then say something and maybe you guys can work something out.

3. Using the “F” word

“You hurt my feelings'”? Girl, you are out of bounds here. Who told you feelings were allowed in a fuck buddy relationship? A fuck buddy relationship by definition is a casual, non-exclusive, no-strings attached type of deal. If you're getting your feelings hurt because dude has plans with another girl, you're obviously not built for this type of thing and you need to keep it moving.

In my opinion, 99% of girls in the world are not built for casual sex. Not because they catch feelings (although you're wrong for doing it) but because they seem to think that the dude should care about said feelings. Ladies, if he wanted to care about your feelings you'd be wifey, not jump-off. So please either keep them to yourself or recognize your limitations and stick to feelings-friendly zones like relationships.

That’s my rant for today, but what say you dear readers? Are feelings okay in a fcuk-buddy relationship or should they be checked at the door with inhibitions? Have you ever been the girl or boy in this scenario? Discuss.

Does Crazy Get the Guy? - Throwback Tuesday

Not long after I wrote my post on being the 'just before girl' I ran into a friend of mine - let's call him Yoda - at the wedding of my ex-unboyfriend/best friend/roommate (another blog post for another time). We got to talking about why I should never have been invited to my ex's wedding relationships and my sister suggested that he fix me up with one of his single friends. He said "Nah she's not ready for it. She's the girl that guys get with before they get with the girl they marry".

Marshie-poo and I gasped simultaneously.

"Did you read my blog?" I asked breathlessly.

*blank stare*

Okay then.

"Why is that?" Les poos (marshie-poo and maxie-poo) asked.

Yoda went on to explain that I was too cool, too easy going, too laissez-faire for any man to take me seriously. "You need to learn to make some demands" was his final word on the subject.

Les poos proceeded to the wedding reception, at which I was too busy trying to stab myself with a butter knife listening to speeches and watching the lovebirds coo lovingly at each other to really think about it. But since then I've been taking an informal poll and it seems that Yoda is right. Which i guess shouldn't be surprising because Yoda was always right in the movies wasn't he? I don't know.

Anyway. let me share with you some responses:

My cousin's wife gave me a long, long lecture about the art of making demands. And how a man doesn't respect you if you don't set clear boundaries and guidelines for his behaviour.

The ex-unboyfriend/best friend/roommate (who thankfully married a cool girl who "allows" him to continue to plunge my toilet and take out my garbage be my friend) said that when we were in our unrelationship he interpreted my coolness to equal disinterest. i.e. the fact that I let him do whowhatever he wanted to do gave him the impression that I didn't care what he did.

My girlfriend also insists on not only setting clear boundaries, but that I make the men I date take me to expensive restaurants and buy me gifts in order to impress upon them that I am something special. And that when these men "misbehave" I call them on their shit.

None of this computes to me at all.

Here's my take on it: I don't have any children. I'm not about raising anyone so why do I have to set rules and discipline people? I grew up with a very demanding mum who yelled when she didn't get her way. Everyone in the house just did what she wanted so we wouldn't have to hear her mouth. This is a kind of death to me. I don't want men to do things for me just because they're afraid of what I'll do if they don't, I want them to do things for me because they want to. My relationship style is to give people the freedom to be who they are and see what they do with it. And no, I don't call men on every little thing they do wrong - but I do notice and file it away for future reference. When I reach my breaking point (yes, I do have one) I'll let him know.

This, apparently, is not the correct way to approach relationships. Go figure.

Meanwhile, as those of you who know me know, I have a healthy concentration of male friends. And as a result I get a lot of inside information on how girls really behave (not the remixed versions of stories we tell our friends in which we make ourselves sound much harder than we actually are). I see the pathetic and desperate emails they send, the begging BBM's and texts, and hear the crazy-ass voicemails they leave. These women rant, rave, cry, threaten, beg, and bargain to get these dudes' attention. Now and again they'll show up unannounced or freak out because they found a bobby pin that doesn't belong to them at the home of a man they know is seeing other people.
 

And you know what? These guys eat that shit up. Nary a one of them has ever stopped talking to a girl because of her crazy-ass behaviour. Meanwhile my private parts - and the private parts of all my female friends who are normal like me - are drying up at an alarming rate.

All of which leads me to conclude that us calm girls are doing something wrong. Should we be going all Jazmine Sullivan on these dudes? Is that what it takes?

Please enlighten me.

The Amazing Disappearing Man

Ah the amazing disappearing man. Songs are written about him, books celebrate his ability to transcend time, entire blogs are dedicated to him. It's a sad fact of the life of a single woman that every now and then you're gonna lose a man. Not lose in the sense of "we were in a relationship and I fcuked up and now I've lost the love of my life", but lose in the sense of misplace; as in "I don't know where that man got to. I just saw him a minute ago and now he's completely disappeared".

The amazing disappearing man is not an actual man, he's more like the alter ego of your current man. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, the amazing disappearing man will appear (ha!) as a result of stimulus. The pisser is though that his victims rarely get to know what the catalyst of the disappearance was. And the real pisser is that the disappearance can occur anywhere from one minute to five years after the fact.

Say for example you and the FWB are hitting it hot and heavy one night. After the seeds are wiped up all is said and done he's a little bit quieter than usual. But you're too busy congratulating yourself for the hurting you just put on him to ask why your chum is so glum. You skip off along your merry way knowing that that boy isn't about to forget your name in a hurry.  Until a few weeks go by and your vagina starts tapping you on the shoulder and you look around and homeboy has disappeared. He hasn't hit you up, he's not responding to your texts or emails, and since this is a mutual jump-off society you can't really show up at his house or ask around about his whereabouts without looking thirsty. You have to just accept it - he done disappeared.

This story repeats itself endlessly through history. Maybe it's the dude you had a few great dates with, maybe it's the one you met online who invited you travel cross-country to visit him but wasn't there when you arrived in his city. The amazing disappearing man comes in all varieties and he's a fcuking asshole.

So what's a gal to do when a man amazingly disappears on her? Well there's not a lot she can do - no point searching for someone who doesn't want to be found. Spreading the word among your common friends is only going to let the world know that someone has gone into hiding to get away from you. Writing bad haikus about love offered and withdrawn is only going to burn out the eyeballs of the friends who are forced to read it.

My advice to you? Move on with your life. Because if there's one thing that's true about the amazing disappearing man it's this - sooner or later he always comes slithering out of his hole. Usually about 30 seconds after you've forgotten all about him. Be ready.

So ladies, have you ever had a man amazingly disappear on you? Did you know why? Did he come back?  And men - I know you have pulled this trick at least once in your life. Explain yourself in the comments.

Throwback Tuesday - The Just Before Girl

The just before girl kinda has a bad rep.  Nine times out of ten she is (or is portrayed as) the one who lied, cheated, took advantage, stole, stalked, hurt, betrayed, or cheated on your guy. She's the reason he doesn't want to commit/is in a selfish phase/won't open up/can't trust anyone.

Yeah.  The just before girl can really fuck shit up for you.

But sometimes the just before girl is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes the just before girl is your guardian angel and you don't even know it. She's the one who endured the games, the fuckwittage, the fear of commitment, the push and pull, the switcheroo, and the unrelationship for a little or a long time; steadfastly staying the course, unwaveringly understanding;  showing your guy that he can count on her.  Or someone.

Unfortunately for the just before girl (but fortunately for you), shit never works out between her and your guy. It can't - that's just the nature of the just before.  But when it ends - sometimes more amicably than others - your guy emerges with a different perspective. On some level he realizes he was a dickhead and mindfucked the just before girl six ways from Sunday.  He emerges - like a butterfly from a cocoon - slightly less of an asshole than he was before.

This is where you come in. Your guy won't be perfect (they never are) but at least he'll be able to admit he's been a jerk in the past. Your road with him won't be completely smooth, but at least you'll have a destination in sight.

See I'm that just before girl. Looking back over my illustrious career as a serial dally-er;  I'm noticing that almost all the men I've dallied with have gone on to wife (literally or figuratively) their next girl.
 
This makes me strangely proud. 

Like a mother hen who has raised her chicks and sent them off to lay their own eggs;  I'm grooming boyfriends, fiances, and husbands on my little farm.  I'm like a finishing school for flawed men.   I'm like the last inspector in a factory who makes sure the product is in salable condition before it hits the shelves. Just call me Inspector #9

What do you guys think? Do you think the person that preceded you has any impact on your man/woman's behaviour? Are you the just-before girl/guy?

Throwback Tuesday - Dealbreakers

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am really not a planner. Outside of my wardrobe consultations with the bestie I never know what I'm doing from one moment to the next. In job interviews, the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' scares the crap out of me because I never know what to say.

Needless to say, I also don't have a list of what I'm looking for in a man. This may have something to do with the fact that I'm not currently looking for one, but I also think that being too narrow in your search can stop you from seeing something out of the box that might be really good. Much to my delight, one of my favourite blogging boys agrees with me. (here too)

But a recent conversation with one of my girls - who had 42 must-haves on her list - and reading this and this, got me thinking I ought to give a list a try. But since a list of what I want in a man would be way too long, I thought I'd try a list of what I absolutely do.not.want.

So without further ado, here are my dealbreakers:

1. Rudeness

This includes poor phone/email/text/bbm etiquette. And rudeness to others. Don't pull out my chair at the dinner table and then snap your fingers at the waitress to get her attention. It won't fly.

2. Deadbeat Dads

If you refuse to see your children because you have beef with their mother, you fail. If you refuse to find a way to get along with your child's mother so that you can see your kids, you fail. If you don't support your kids to the best of your ability, you fail. If you blatantly favour one child over another, you fail. If you hide the fact that you have kids, you fail.

3. Selfishness/Lack of consideration

No one wants a doormat, but I'm not rotating around your sun either. If you don't get that there are two of us here and both of our needs deserve consideration; I'm out.

4. Lack of Confidence

What can I say? It's just not hot.


5. Can't See Through my Slickness

I can be extremely slick when I want to and I need a man who will call me on it. If I can run rings around you I will and neither of us will like it.

5-b. Doesn't Want to Wear the Pants

It may surprise you to know that at heart I am a throwback - cater to you is my theme song - and I expect the man to be the boss. I need a man that is traditional enough in his thinking to get down with this concept. You can't be asking me all the time what I want to do, you're supposed to tell me what I'm gonna do.


6. Racial Consciousness

He doesn't have to be militant, but he has to have some kind of racial identity. I dated a man once who had had two serious relationships in his adult life; both with white women. He asked me if I had a problem with that and I didn't - whatever floats your boat buddy - but then he went on to say that he felt that a person's race had no relevance whatsoever, and that's where he lost me. He has to think about race.

6-b. I also can't get down with non-black guys.

Sorry.

7. He must get (or at least tolerate) maxlogic.

If he's going to constantly try to make me see sense, he's gonna get throat-punched.

So those are my dealbreakers. They're not unreasonable, are they? What are yours?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Guest Post - Getting In The Path of Destruction

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the comments of my post about busy dudes, my buddy Dr. J advised getting in the path of destruction when dealing with an overstimulated man. I wished for a guest post on the subject and like the fairy godblogger he is, he promptly delivered it. This is why I heart him and you should too.

With men being at a premium in the world today, most men aren’t making it easy for women to get at them. The men that most women want are busy, successful, and not trying to chase every skirt they can get their hands on. So how does a woman get a guy who seems too busy for romance?

Let me start by backing up for a moment and explaining something to the reader. A man who is busy spends his free time letting loose. A lot of people expect a man who is busy to spend his free time with his significant other. This negates the fact that he probably wants to have time to himself, hang out with friends, and get wasted when he’s not working. Women don’t seem to understand this. Short-sightedness.

Nonetheless a good man is hard to find, and more frustrating than trying to find a good man, is finding one you can’t have. Women always want to know where men are, I’d argue that they know exactly where men are they just can’t hook him. I’ve always thought of relationships like this, if you want some water, why not go to the well? If you want some milk, why not go to the cow? A lot of people are waiting for a Deer Park truck to show up at their doorstep and deliver them a man, but it would be so much easier if they’d just go get the man.

So women, start in the following places when looking for a man: the gym, local happy hour lounge, metro and Starbucks. Why? Because these are places that men hang out at. You may be worried about sweating your hair out, but just wash and set it once you get home and you’ll have a fresh hairdo and a man. A lot of women claim they don’t meet men in the club… but you’re single. Something’s not adding up. If you see a guy who catches your eye, why not find a way to get in his path of destruction? And if that place is a club, then I’d recommend you start frequenting that club a lot more than you currently do. If you notice that the guy you want goes to Cosi everyday for lunch at noon, why not be in Cosi everyday at noon?

I heard this story about a guy who found his wife by standing on a corner he had seen her walk past once for two months. He would plop himself down on the sidewalk every day at lunch for an hour and just wait for her to walk by. He didn’t know that she was only in that part of town to run an errand. But you know what? One day she had to run that errand again and he was able to meet her. They were married for over 50 years.

Some women are worried about seeming desperate or thirsty. One of the most frequent pieces of advice I ever give is that people should stop worrying what people think about their love life. At the end of the day, the opinions of people who you aren't sleeping with will keep you single and alone. If you want to have a man in your life and you’ve identified who you’d like to find that vacancy, get in his path of destruction. You might seem desperate but it’s only short term because soon you will look and be satisfied and all those who judged you will be still single. They will be the same ones sitting around at a happy hour spot with all women talking about how men ain’t skit.

#kanyeshrug on this post. I’m just trying to keep it real and give the best advice I can give. In other news, it seems that you are in great health, Dr. J thinks you’ve been doing a great job lately. In short, “You’re beautiful. If no one else told you that today, let me be the one.”

So ladies, what do you think of Dr. J's strategy? Do you hunt your prey in his natural habitat or wait for him to find you? Men do you rate this strategy?



And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.
 

Throwback Tuesday - The Comfort Zone

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd re-post all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

So ladies, you know how it is - you meet someone, you start dating, and you're working overtime to make sure your shit is on point. Everything is waxed, hair is always done, and every date requires a quorum to determine the perfect outfit. And it works, right? Things progress and deepen, you have the talk about exclusivity, and you begin to feel a little more secure. So you take the waxing lady off speed dial, choose your own outfits, and start wearing the glasses and saving the contacts for 'special' occasions. Nothing wrong with that. But then things progress a little further, you know you have him on lock, and suddenly you live at the corner of messy ponytail and lululemon pants. You show up for sleepovers wearing your head tie and your zit cream. And we all know you're not shaving or waxing a place.

Ladies, there's such a thing as too comfortable. And that is it.

I’m not saying that you need to look like a runway model every moment you're with your man. A wise man once told me "a woman can't be on her A game every time you see her". That’s true, but that does not mean you need to completely fall off your grooming habits.

Please remember - men are visual creatures - they are stimulated by what they see. So please give them something enticing to look at, or don't be upset when they look somewhere else. And remember what I told you - you gotta start as you mean to go on. So if you start out cute and get lazy, don't be surprised when he starts out smitten and ends up bored.

Now this does not mean that you have to do what I do dumb sh*t like waiting until he falls asleep to take off your makeup and tie your hair and then set the alarm really early so you can groom yourself and climb back in bed. That’s just silly. Head tying is a necessary part of hygiene and most men will appreciate the effort. But think of it as a trade off:

Head tie + flannel pajamas = not hot
Head tie + sexy pajamas = him probably not even noticing what is on your head.
Bonus points for head tie + no pajamas

Not wearing makeup if you're hanging at home = fine
Walking around with dots of toothpaste all over your face = fail

I think you get the picture. Am I off base here?

Oh and men - don't think you're off the hook here either. You know you get comfortable too. No one wants to see you walking around with strategically-placed holes in your boxers. And yes you have to put lotion on even if we are just hanging at your place (on your WHOLE body please - not just your arms and legs). We women may not be as driven by the visuals as you are, but we still want to see you looking good.

What say you all though? Ladies how comfortable do you get with your man? Men - how comfy is too comfy?


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Monday - My Version of the Ladder Theory

Sorry folks - it was quite a weekend and I did not have time to post. We we'l do throwback today and I'll give you something good tomorrow...sound good?

So about a year ago I found myself on what appeared to be an impromptu blind date. Dude was smart, funny, and interesting but not particularly hot. And before you start to roll your eyes at my shallowness, let me assure you that I have dallied with my fair share on non-cuties in my lifetime. So it's not that every man I have to date has to be Idris Elba handsome, it's just that I've noticed a trend in behaviour that occurs when non-cute men date hotties such as myself.

Sidebar: this post is based on the principle that I am a hottie. Call me an egomaniac if you will, but none of this is gonna make any sense if you don't subscribe to that particular theory.

Anyway. For those of you not familiar with the ladder theory, it's a pseudoscientific explanation the ways in which men and women evaluate members of the opposite sex upon first impressions. In the ladder theory model, this decision is typically made quickly and is often final. This determines the other's potential as a future mate. (source)

So basically, when men and women meet, they place each other on a ladder based on how they score on a bunch of different points. The higher the score, the higher you go on the ladder. The whole thing is pretty stupid complex, but the one aspect of the ladder theory that is relevant to this post is "ladder disparity". Simply put, this is when two people meet each other and place each other on vastly different points on the ladder. Check out this picture:

See how Bob has Jane on the bottom of his ladder and Jane has Bob at the top of hers? That's what we're talking about here.

Now back to they mystery date. Although homeboy and I are both funny, smart, and interesting, I would likely end up higher on his ladder than he would on mine because I am hot and he is a troll of the difference in our levels of attractiveness. And I know what you're gonna say - looks don't matter, it's what inside that counts, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, pretty and $3 will get you on the bus. But before you start with all that, let me school you. The problem is not one's level of attractiveness per se, it's how our perception of our own attractiveness and that of our partners dictates how we behave.

Let me illustrate: I (a hottie as previously discussed) once dated a man who - when I first saw him - literally made my jaw drop. But oh my lord what a spectacular asshole he was. Seriously.  I've never been treated worse by a man and trust me when I tell you I have met some real jackasses in my time. But oh if you guys could have seen me, buying shoes for this man, cooking for him, enduring levels of disrespect that I can't even get into here, all because he was higher than I on the ladder. I felt that he was out of my league and that I had to bend over backwards to please him because of all the other women out there just waiting for me to fuck up so they could snatch him.

Conversely, I also once dated a man whose jaw probably dropped when he first saw me.  He was a nice guy, but definitely nothing to get excited about in the looks department. But oh how he showered me with attention and affection. Because I was out of his league, he had to work overtime to win me over.

So you're probably wondering, what's wrong with that?

Well in the first scenario, the dude was highly attractive and in his mind that gave him license to be an asshole. and no matter how accommodating I was, he stayed an asshole.  The only thing that changed was that I met someone else got sick of it and bounced. In the second scenario, despite my superior level of attractiveness I was not an asshole and never became one. And because of his efforts, old dude eventually won me over and we reached a point of equilibrium where we were equally into each other. And then he became an asshole and the whole thing ended in a dramatic, painful, and tragic way.

Get it now? No? Okay - let me break it down for you (so it can forever and consistently be broke). When a woman dates a hottie, she works hard to prove her worth. To paraphrase the late great Robin Harris, ugly girls don't want no trouble. They're just grateful a hot dude is giving them the time of day, even if it's wrong. But when a woman dates an uggo, he's not grateful, he's on a mission. He has one objective: to cut her down to size and he will do whatever it takes to accomplish his goal. He'll refuse to tell her she's pretty because he doesn't want to "gas up her head". He'll be distant, sketchy, and confusing  until he has flipped things in such a way so as to make her behave as though she's the one at the bottom of the ladder.

So the moral of the story is not that a pretty girl should never date a homely dude. It's just that a lot of girls go for the less attractive ones because they think it will be easier. There's an expectation that the unfortunate-looking man will continue to work hard for his hot girl throughout their relationship because at every moment he will be aware that she's out of his league. And I'm here to tell you: this is not the case. Non-cute men have egos just like cuties do and they're not gonna sweat you ad infinitum - why go through all that bother when they can just cut you down to a manageable size?

So what does all this mean for impromptu blind date dude? I found out that he is known in his social circle for being the ugly dude who pulls nuff girls because he's educated and well-to-do. And he dumps them with a quickness for infractions such as not having pretty enough feet or misusing a word in a sentence. And also that he's not feeling me.

See? Pretty and $3 can get you on the bus.

What do you guys think of my theory?

A Love Letter to Articulate Men

Anyone who knows me knows how much I swoon for a man who is able to express himself; but I don't think I spend enough time on this blog singing the praises of these men. So this is a special love letter to the Sam Sharpes, the Seattle Washingtons, the Slim Jacksons, the Dr Jay Jacks, the Mad Scientists, the SBM's, the Streetztalks, the CHeeKZs, TheMostInterestingManintheWorlds, and the Peysos and the RCLS's, of the world who make me soil my panties daily with the awesomeness that ensues when they put finger to keyboard in their blog posts or their comments.  I adore you all.

Dear eloquent dudes,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways (gotta drop some poetry since you guys are all deep and shit). I love thee to the depth and breadth and height the internets can reach. I love thee for displacing "You're sexy bad" as the hottest thing I've ever heard a man say. I love thee so much that if my laptop grew a penis, I'd give up on three-dimensional men altogether.

Although your existence has made me considerably less productive in my professional life and caused me to burst out in loud laughter in my silent office way too many times, I love you. Although you have lessened the appeal of the "differently still" types who might could have gotten it from me, I adore you. And although you have occasionally hurt my feelings with the hard truth about women's illogical ways, I stan for you all.

Before I got to know, my life I say was mediocre (gotta drop some Nas since you guys are all heads and shit). Now you brighten my life and broaden my vocabulary on a daily basis with your special turns of phrases like jawn, dirty-sock hoes, whiskey d*ck, and whoppington o’suckles . You've taught me over and over why I need to swallow, the Power of Five, how to tell if I might be a hoe, and the motion offense. Because of your pearls of wisdom, regular dudes now bore the shit out of me I am better prepared to succeed in the battle of the sexes.

So thank you, articulate dudes, for everything you do for me and all my friends who are contemplating moving to the US to stalk your asses love you. While I have my suspicions that some of you are not real people (no one can be this incisive on a daily basis), I heart you for giving me hope that it's possible to find a man who loves hip hop and reads books. Since you're all smart and shit, can you put your heads together and find a way to clone yourselves so there can be more of you in the world? Thanks!

Love,

max

p.s. Even though you internet Adonises are my true love, I would be remiss if I didn't also show a little appreciation for the men who have caused me to spontaneously orgasm by dropping a "whom" or a "conundrum", a "ne'er do well" or a "concupiscence", a "whilst", "betwixt", or "undulate" in casual conversation. I adore you guys too.

Throwback Tuesday - The Art of the Game

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd repost all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

'[Ladies,] when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much.Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!'
(from The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider)

Ridiculous, right? I know.
But consider this:

'I say that maybe she should stop reading it.
'I know...But it's like I've been trying to catch a fish by swimming around with them. I keep making myself get in the water again. I try different rivers. I change my strokes. But nothing works. Then I find this guide that tells me about fishing poles and bait, how to cast and what to do when the line gets taut...The depressing part is that you know it will work.'
(from The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank)

Don't we all feel this way?

I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't read, bought, or skimmed at least one of the following books: The Rules, Why Men Love Bitches, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, He's Just Not That Into You, or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. And while most women recognize the impracticality of following their advice, there is just enough truth to it to stop us from completely disregarding them (and because I have male readers, I'm not gonna get into the nitty-gritty of what the books say - can't give away all our secrets). The challenge is how to balance this dogmatic advice with a) the dating pool in your city and b) your own personality.

For example, The Rules tells women not to ever accept a date if the man gives you less than four days' notice. To which women inevitably say, 'I don't know a single man that would ever give four days notice! if I listen to these dumb bitches Ii'll never get a date!'

On the other hand, any smart woman knows a man will only put forth as much effort as you require him to. So if you don't insist on notice, you'll never get it. All the same, four days seems a bit extreme, no? So where does the solution lie? Somewhere in between I guess.

The main point that all these books make (and yes, I have read them all) is that men are hunters and without the chase they get bored. So women can't be too available. Which I think is absolutely true. It's in the execution that problems begin:

'Invite a man over for dinner and when he gets there pop a bag of microwave popcorn. Put it in a bowl if he's really special'?
That's pretty extreme. A woman reads something like that and just gives up because the shit is so improbable.

'When the cheque comes for dinner, don't even look at it and under no circumstances make an attempt to pay it'
Most men I know expect a woman to at least offer, even when she knows her offer won't be accepted.

'Don't be funny. Funny is masculine'
But what if you're just a funny person?

At one point in my life I gave up on these games altogether. I decided to just 'be myself' and 'be real' and lay my feelings and availabilities on the line without agenda or strategy. I considered it a social experiment and if you've been paying attention you know how that worked out.

So are games the answer for women? I'm not convinced. I think that what the problem is - and what these books ignore - is the way in which a woman will prioritize a man; right from the very beginning. She can be in the middle of a serious conversation with a friend and if Mr. New Dude calls on the other line, she'll drop everything to take the call. And once she has him on the phone, she's not switching over to answer a beep. She'll blow off plans with her friends for a date with dude and not think twice about it.

If I ever wrote a dating advice book, it would be one line long - live your life, girl. If you're on the phone and he beeps in, send his ass to voicemail just like you would your mother. If he hits you on BBM while you're sleeping, sleep. If you have plans with your friends, go about your business and let him catch you another time. You don't need to invent a life just to trick a man into thinking you're interesting and desirable, just live the one you have so that you actually will be.

That's my two cents. Post yours in the comments.

Shy My A$$

When you are a woman who refuses to ask a man out like me, you will inevitably spend a lot of time wondering why the object of your desire hasn't made a move yet. And if you are like most women, you and your girlfriends will spend even more time coming up with explanations as to why he's not asking you out. Beside the obvious, that is. 

The explanations women will come up with run the gamut from he's intimidated (but SBM already dispelled that myth) to he's dense to my personal favourite: he's shy. At which point I call bullshit.

Yup. I don't believe there's such a thing as a shy man. Call me what you will, but I just don't buy it.  Why? Read on.

According to dictionary.com, shy is defined like this:

Shy, bashful, diffident:  imply a manner that shows discomfort or lack of confidence in association with others. Shy implies a constitutional shrinking from contact or close association with others, together with a wish to escape notice: shy and retiring. Bashful suggests timidity about meeting others, and trepidation and awkward behavior when brought into prominence or notice.

A man, shy? Please! 

Now I know your little fingers are all in a frenzy getting ready to type your comments. In them, you will tell me that you can give me countless examples of men that you know personally who are really shy.  And do you know what I will tell you? Here's what I will tell you:

Think of every man you consider shy. Picture him asking a woman out on a date. Oh your sympathetic little woman-heart bleeds for him doesn't it? It's charming. Now picture that same man in a job interview, on the basketball court, asking his boss for a raise, at the strip club, hanging with his friends, at his company's holiday party, asking a sales associate for help in a department store. Is he still sniveling? Are his hands still shaking? No? Then he's not shy - he's just lazy. 

See here's the thing about shyness. If you read the definition closely, you'll notice that it's not situational in nature; shy is shy. A man who is "shy" when he has to ask a woman out but is not shy when he has to talk to his boss is not shy. He's just unmotivated.  Unlike women, whose shyness tends to be universal - if they're shy with men they're also shy with co-workers, friends, store staff, and prospective employers - men's shyness tends to be situational. As in, a man is only shy when faced with a woman that he just doesn't want badly enough.  Because if he did, he would access his stones and use them as fuel to get off his ass and make a move.

Shy my ass I say.

Come on - tell me I'm wrong.

Hush Mama

Like most days, I spent a good amount of yesterday over at SingleBlackMale.org. And like most days, a little bit of bacchanal popped off. Like most days, my blogging boy Dr Jay Jack dropped the real talk on the ladies and a couple got a little upset. Like most days, what the ladies were upset about had very little to do with what Dr Jay Jack said.

Sidebar: no disrespect is intended by not linking to the post or the comments. I have another post planned where I dissect in more detail and I don't want your little heads distracted by that right now.

Anyway. This whole ladies getting riled up over basically nothing is as common a phenomenon in real life as it is on SBM. And if I were a man writing about this, a whole lot of ladies would be getting riled up at me for saying that. But the fact of the matter is, women love to start sh*t with men. We like to fight you and do you want to know why? So you can win.

Yeah - I said it. Deep down, a woman just wants a man who can put her in her place. This doesn't mean that we want a man to be abusive, dismissive, or mean, but we do want a man who knows when to bring out the "hush mama".  The hush mama (© emti) is when a man tells a woman in no uncertain terms to settle herself. And it is a beautiful thing.  I used to have a man who warned me that I was about to "fly past my nest" on the rare occasions that I was getting rowdy. It was so hot.

Of course there are a lot of men who don't know how to do this properly and that creates all types of problems. But there is a time and a place for the hush mama. Sometimes women act up because they want attention or because they've misunderstood something. Sometimes we get in a tizz over things that even we recognize are meaningless, but we've started and we can't back down now. And in these types of situations, there is nothing sexier than a hush mama.

You don't have to say "hush mama". You could say "calm yourself" or "sit down" or "don't fly past your nest". There are any number of ways you can tell your girl to settle down in a way that results in her being turned on rather than losing her shit. It's all about the circumstances and the delivery.

But let me say it again: a man who knows how to put me in my place is a fucking sexy man. 

Now if you've read my blog enough you know I'm not a spazzy kind of girl. I don't yell, nag, or forbid. But I am a hyper girl, a nervous girl, and a man who knows how to distinguish between legitimate anxiety and a dramatic moment and will shut it down has the potential to be Mr. Fab.

Ladies, I'm dying to hear what you think because I bet you don't know you agree with me. Can you see the appeal of a man who knows how and when to tell you to hush? And men - if you think you've mastered the hush mama, give me a call sometime let me know.

Crash the Car

The ever-talented Dr.Jay returns with his take on yesterday's post. I thought my idea was good but his is sheer evil genius. After you read this, check him out over at your favourite blogger's favourite blog.


Have you ever been on a different page than someone else? However, you were afraid of how they would react if you told them the reality of the situation? Today’s session is about crashing the car. I had a friend who was telling me about a situation she was going through with a male friend who may be thinking the relationship is more than friends, but she was afraid for her safety if she didn’t just go along with what he was thinking and manage her own actions. I told her, “Sometimes you have to get in their lane and then crash the car.”


Here’s what I’m talking about:


Sometimes men and women meet and the guy is thinking in his head that he would like to sleep with or date the lady. In her mind, she is like I just want to be friends. As most men typically will say, he agrees and says yes, let’s just be friends. He says this, but his opinion will never change, EVER. Final Answer.


As friends they hang out a few times and they start to hang out regularly. But in her mind, he’s just a friend. At some point she wants to do something else other than hang with the guy and it upsets the guy because in his mind, he’s trying to talk to this girl and she’s not being responsive. He may react, snap back at her, send a dry or angry text message, etc. She’s wondering why he’s doing this and thinks that maybe he’s just a little sensitive. Going forward and after several conversations or email exchanges about the nature of the relationship and that she is not interested in any type of relationship outside of friendship, he still insists that it’s cool that they remain friends. BUT IN HIS MIND, he’s thinking that this is merely a setback and proceeds as planned. Some guys will even go as far as to start to act out because in their mind, arguments are a sign of a good/healthy relationship. Be careful to check your Terrorist Alert Advisory Level.


So what do you do? How do you get this guy to lay off without causing him to do something crazy that may involve him harming himself or you? You have to get in his lane. So slide into his lane of “talking”. Get him to think that you are being responsive to his advances. And then you CRASH THE CAR. Find a way for him to find out that you are talking to someone else, or that you are a horrible person to be in a romantic situation with.


Here are some ways you can do that:


1. Send him a text in the morning, after not seeing him the previous night saying, “Had a great time, we should get up again soon.” When he receives it he’ll think that you’re talking to someone else and get upset and be done with you. Although you totally fabricated this situation. (I am guilty of pulling this text trick. It works like a charm).


2. After some time, ask him if he would have a problem if you were talking to other guys while talking to him. Because men are territorial, he’ll say no he has no problem, but now that he knows that it will begin to bother him and he’ll begin to waver.


3. Just be a horrible person to be talking to. Turn off your phone at night. Disappear for hours. Change/cancel plans. I mean flat out just frustrate this guy once you are “talking”. He’ll see a big difference between when you were just friends and now that you’re talking and fade to black.


In Dr. J’s opinion, there’s nothing wrong with a little Phantom of the Opera.


So what do you guys think? Will Dr. Jay's method work to get rid of the dude who can't take a hint? The next time I have a pest I'm giving it a try.

Pest Control

It is a sad but true fact that into every woman’s life a little infestation must fall. For us gals, the existence of pests is as ubiquitous as a trip to the feminine care aisle at Shopper’s and every bit as unpleasant. 

These pests come in many forms – an ex who just needs one more chance, a completely unsuitable man we gave some to in a moment of weakness, or a poor sap whose only crime is residing on the wrong rung of the ladder.

Whoever he is, a pest can make a woman’s life a living hell. On the surface he seems like a great guy – he’ll call you just to see how you are, he’ll bring you Tim Horton’s when you’re having a late-night craving, and he is ready and willing to take you out for Valentine’s Day. Problem is he’s calling you while you’re staring at the phone willing the guy you really want to call you. He wants to stay – and will try to bone – after he’s dropped off your Tim’s. And while he might bring you flowers when he picks you up for your Valentine’s date, he’ll spend the whole evening staring at you with this pathetic hangdog look that makes you just want to slap the sh*t out of him.

So what’s a girl to do with a pest? Word on the street is a woman has three choices:

1. Ignore him
A lot of women say that this just feels wrong. It’s mean to ignore people, isn’t it? But are they really that nice? Or are their heads being gassed up by all this attention? I think you know the answer to that.

2. Tell him the truth.
It might be mean, but nothing says go away like a text message saying “You’re annoying and I will never, ever want you. Ever.”

3. Grit your teeth and tolerate your pest until he loses interest and finds someone else to harass love.
Unfortunately, your pest will most likely misinterpret your gritted-teeth tolerance as encouragement. This man is clueless and he lacks the natural filter that distinguishes politeness from vibes.

So I ask the question again – what’s a girl to do?

A couple of months ago I took the question to the streets i.e. Twitter and Facebook. I asked the ladies “How do you deal with a man who’s a pest and won’t leave you alone?” The answers were pretty evenly divided between ignore, tell him to buzz off, and grit your teeth and bear it. So I took it to the men to see if they had anything illuminating to add.  They all said they would tell a pest to go away. Me? I have a different tactic: fall in love with your pest.

I know you’re thinking I’m crazy right now, so let me school you. It is a fundamental fact of dating life that a man wants that which he cannot have. Men get off on the douleur exquise and no one more so than a pest. So why not remove the thrill and faux-fall in love? It’s quick, it’s dirty, it does the job every time. If your pest is blowing up your phone, just pick it up, act thrilled to hear from him, and launch into an ultra-excited diatribe about your day. Make sure you drag it out until his phone battery dies. Pester your pest about his schedule and try to fill every empty window of his time. And instead of ignoring his eyes when he stares at you with desperate wanting, gaze lovingly at him every chance you get.

In other words, give your pest a taste of his own medicine. It works every time.

Black Man Sexy

My male readers often accuse me of bashing them so today's post is in honour of man. The Black man, that is. Because while I appreciate Brad Pitt as much as the next white girl, there is no sexy like Black Man Sexy.

And because I'm writing this at an ung-dly hour of the night, with no further ado I bring you...

5 Things that just look better on a Black man.

1. The threads

A well-dressed man is always a good thing, but a well-dressed Black man is a very good thing. I don't know what it is but put Chris Rock (mediocre at best) in a beautiful suit next to Dr. Mark Sloan (sexiest White guy on earth) in a beautiful suit and watch McSteamy disappear. Also? Black men are the only men on earth who look sexy in track pants.

2. The vocab
Big words are hot no matter who is saying them, but have you ever had a conversation with a Black man and he dropped a word like "concupiscence" on you? Good lord! Just mop me off the floor.

3. The muscles
A sexy body is a beautiful thing, but a well-built Black man is like a joyful noise unto the Lord. There is no better sight in life than a Black man's finely-sculpted back.

4. The jargon
Now this one is probably just for advertising nerds like me because I swoon in general for men with strategic minds. But a Black man who can calculate cost-per-reach-point and actually knows why I should care about it? Oh my word. (sidebar: I'm not talking about those twitter philosophers who just tweet cryptic bullsh*t about branding. That's not sexy)

5. The ass
Oh boy, a Black man's ass. I have no words.

Bonus: Eyelashes. Black men have the cutest eyelashes ever. Random and not really sexy but true.

I have to go now!

Other People's Logic: Is this the new guy?

For the first time ever we have a guest poster today. The indomitable Dr. Jay who tells women about their parts on a regular basis on twitter, The Book of Jackson, and your favourite blogger's favourite blog Single Black Male. If you don't read him, you should. He makes men cheer and women cry. In a good way. Dr. Jay is giving us the flip side of yesterday's post about the next girl.

I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life… actually a lot.  This may surprise you, but I don’t currently have a lot of girlfriends now, lol.  Some I broke up with, some broke up with me and some things just fizzled and we parted ways mutually.  Yeah you know things don’t always work out because not everyone is for everyone.  But how do you react once you find out that there is a new dude in the picture?

Speaking for myself, if a girl is not with me anymore and she finds a better guy, I can’t be mad at her or him.  I’m actually happy for her.  But that’s the man in me, I’m not some immature boy who thinks that’s I’m the best a girl will ever had, or that this guy somehow stole my girl.  No one can steal your stuff if you lock it up.

Then there’s the fell chance that you may find out your ex is now talking to a guy who is no where near as good for her as you were.  This upsets us all.  It might make you laugh, but that laughter is the laughter that one gets when they’re so upset they can’t help but laugh.  There are three people who make this situation worse than it has to be; Your family, your friends and her friends.  Your family is supposed to be there for you, but sometimes in there attempts to pacify you they can make it worse.  “You’re better off without her”, doesn’t really say what you want them to say.  Your friends sometimes can be more obsessed with your ex’s new flame than you ever will be.  Have you ever had a friend who messaged you to let you know that your ex posted new pictures on Facebook?  (These are usually the haters in your life.)  Her friends want you to think she’s doing so very well without you so they can run and tell her how sad you look.  I’ll tell you straight up, I don’t give a sh*t.

(Funny story, I know a chick who I used to talk to and her friend actually tells me all the time how the guy she’s with now isn’t anything compared to me.  I find it funny.  #DANGER)

What about when the person telling you about their new flame is YOUR ex?  Now that’s funny to me.  I had someone ask me the other day why I talk to one of these girls I used to talk to all the time.  (Scratch that, I’m not getting into all that.  She probably reading this post right now.)  But seriously, I have to laugh when the ex is telling you about her new guy.  I mean, it’s weird and it’s not weird.  I’ve had situations where I have had exes that I’m really close with now on just a friend level and then talking about that stuff doesn’t bother me.  And then there’s like exes who I just don’t care to be friends with, so I take that as amusement.  I have this one ex, and like for no reason she just broke up me with one day.  OK, whatever, a woman makes a decision and can’t find the words to explain it, so she just says nothing… big deal.  Later on I find out that the dude she’s talking to was playing her hardcore.  I couldn’t stop laughing for like three days.  Three days!

In all of this, there’s really nothing anybody can do.  I have never told an ex that a guy wasn’t good enough for her.  (That’s a lie, I told an ex one time after she broke up with a guy that I never liked the dude to begin with.)  But I have never overstepped the bounds of my friendship or past relationship.  If that’s the guy she’s chosen to be with, that’s her problem not mine.  That’s what we call the care zone.  Once you step outside of the care zone then you have to make decisions on your own.  (I find that women who “like the way I think” find it really hard when they decide they don’t want to be with me anymore and I tell them, I can’t give them advice for their lives anymore.  I mean honestly, why would I give you advice that doesn’t benefit me at all and in fact ends up hurting me in the long run?  C’mon son.)