Signs You Might Be An Asshole

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One of my favorite expressions in life is "knowledge is power". It explains my fascination with wikipedia and provides the perfect justification for a penchant for gossip. And if knowledge in general is power then it stands to reason that self-knowledge is the most powerful weapon in our war on life.

Unfortunately, most people really have no idea what they're really like. And this is never more true than in the case of assholes; who always seem to have some bullshit reason for their assholey behaviour other than the fact that they're assholes. So for you my dear readers I'm giving you a gift: signs you might be an asshole.


1. You are persistently and repetitively inappropriate - even after being asked to stop.

If you're a guy or gal who makes sexual innuendos to the wrong person - your friend's ex, your ex's friend, your boy's little sister, your mother's husband - you're probably an asshole. If you continue to do it even after the person has asked you repeatedly to stop you're definitely an asshole.

3. You're sometime-ish.

If you're the kind of person who only greets people every third time you run into them - staring through them as if they're invisible all the other times - you're a rude asshole. If you only speak to people when you see them with someone you've deemed cool enough to warrant your attention you're a pretentious asshole. If you live in Toronto you probably pull this on 50% of the people you know about 50% of the times you go out - which is why this is the asshole capital of the world.

2. You lie about dumb shit.

Now you guys know I am not an advocate for complete honesty - a white lie or a faked orgasm can go a long way in a relationship - but dumb, obvious lies told for no good reason is stupid and unnecessary. Grow some stones, tell the truth, and stop being an asshole.

4. You wake people up ungracefully.

There is no greater barometer for the quality of someone's character than the method they use to wake someone. If you are a decent person, you will do it gently and gradually; allowing the person to ease their way into wakefulness. If you're my mother (a lovely human being with some assholey tendencies) you'll vacuum right outside the bedroom. If you're a certain ex of mine (a certified Grade-A asshole) you'll bang open the bedroom door and start talking loudly on the phone while watching videos on YouTube at top volume.

5. You hate The Foreign Exchange.

I'm not saying you have to love them. Maybe they just don't do it for you I'll even give you a pass if you've never heard of them. But if you listen to the album Leave It All Behind in its entirety and say you hate it, there's something wrong with your soul.

So what do you guys think? Is this asshole behaviour or just stuff max doesn't like? What are your asshole- warning signs? Speak on it in the comments.

5 Things I'm Not Doing if I'm Not Wifey

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So yesterday I was over on Until I Get Married reading Five Things We’re Not Doing Since We’re Not Having Sex. His list was pretty interesting (he's not kissing if you're not giving up the nani, can you imagine?) and it got me thinking about withholding in relationships.

Like just about every woman in the world, I have had the misfortune to be involved with a man who didn't want a relationship but had no problem participating in relationship-y behaviour, especially if it benefited him. Ladies in this situation will more often than not shower their un-boyfriend with love, affection, pussy, accommodation, and whatever else she feels like in the futile hope that when he decides he wants to be in a relationship, she will be the chosen one. This is a bad bad bad idea but that's another post for another day.

If you find yourself in a situation where you want to be wifey but you're not there yet for whatever reason, the smart thing to do is to remove yourself. However, if you choose to stay, please believe you should not be giving up all your worldly goods to that dude. Now you guys should know me well enough to know that I would never advise you to withhold sex (why deprive anyone the singular joy of carnal relations), but if wifey status is what you're aiming for and you're not there yet, these are the moves you should not be making:

1. No Gifts

You can buy me gifts if you want, but I will not be returning the favour. Call me a throwback, but there's a limit to how much money I'm willing to spend on a man who I cannot call my own...going dutch on dinner at Swiss Chalet is about it.

2. No sleepovers

You guys know how I feel about sleepovers. I hate them. I'm not subjecting my hair to the evil that is a cotton pillowcase for a dude who doesn't want to claim me.

3. No merging of the circles

If I'm not wifey, I do not need to meet your friends or your family. Nor do you need to meet mine. It's this kind of blurring of the lines that makes women go crazy confuses things. When we make things official we can merge circles but in the meantime let's retreat to neutral corners, shall we?

4. No cooking, cleaning, or laundry

There are only two reasons a woman should be cooking or doing housework for a man: she's wifey or she's an employee. So unless you want to put me on your payroll, you can fix your own sandwich.

5. No anal, no tossed salad...and no coochie shots

Unless these acts are part of your normal, everyday, even casual hookups can get it sexual behaviour, you should not be giving up these goods. Ultra VIP acts are for ultra VIP status and if you're not wifey, he's not VIP.

6. No condom purchases

I'm sure this one only makes sense to me, but I refuse to buy condoms if I'm not on wifey status. It's strictly bring your own prophylactics at casa maxfab and if you don't you're outta luck.

That's my list anyway, but what say you? Are there any acts that you withhold while you're waiting to achieve wifey status? Or do you believe that giving him all the goods will put you on the accelerated path? Is their a comparable list for men looking to wife a woman? Speak on it in the comments.

What I Won't Do for a Date

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When I called my daddy to wish him a happy father's day, I ended up getting sucked into the vortex that is a phone call with my mother. My mum (the one exception to my phone rules because it is more painful to get in trouble for not talking to her than it is to actually talk to her) has an uncanny ability to either enrage, infantilize, or reduce me inside of five minutes when I get her on the phone. Virtually every topic we might discuss can be turned into a way to make me feel dry. Her latest topic: why I don't date more often.

I patiently explained that I rarely meet men and that when I do they usually don't ask me out. Ever helpful, she began suggesting 9,999 things I could do to increase the number of dates I go on. All of her suggestions were unacceptable for various reasons, but the following four really stood out as things that I just will not do for a date. Right now, anyway. But ask me again after I turn 35 in a couple of months.

So here we are: What I Won't Do for a Date

1. Online Dating

Whenever I think of being on E-Harmony, Lavalife or Plenty of Fish, my skin starts to crawl. It just reeks of thirst to me. Now I don't mean for that to be a diss against anyone who does participate in online dating, and lord knows enough people find love that way these days, but for me it just seems so sad. Plus I've been following a certain blogger's chronicles about her experiences on POF and they make me just want to stab myself in the eye. Maybe I could have done this when I was younger and felt more compelled to find "the one" but now? Nah sir! I'd sooner stay single for the rest of my life.

2. Broaden My Horizons

This is a big one. The fact that I get this advice from people other than my mum gives it a little more credence, but it's still highly unappealing. I like what I like. And even though I've had a very poor rate of return on getting involved with the men I like, the idea of going outside my normal extended social circle in the hopes of finding some previously undiscovered gem just does not interest me.

3. Ask to be fixed up

Three reasons why I would never do this:

i. After online dating, this seems like the thirstiest thing in the world to me. To me there's just something so distasteful about asking someone to help me find someone to bone love. I know that's just pride and pride goes before the fall and all that but yeah no.

ii. Asking to be set up disturbs the natural order of things. I don't like to orchestrate too much in my life, I prefer things to happen magically organically. Asking for a setup is the opposite of organic.

iii. I do not trust my friends to set me up. I'm sorry, but I just don't.


3. Date outside my race

You guys are well aware by now that I don't do this right? I tried it twice and it's not for me. At all. Yuck! No judgment at all of those who do, but it's just not for me.


4. Ask a man out

No matter how many times people try to convince me that this is okay, no matter how many times I'm momentarily convinced that they are right and I am wrong, I just can't do this. I just cannot. Actually no that's not true, it's not that I can't - I will not. I don't believe it's my job, it goes against everything that I believe in, and it's for homely girls and I believe with all my heart that it permanently tips the balance of power in the man's favour. We can't have that can we?

Now I know you guys are just dying to school me on how wrong I am for having these standards and how I will die alone if I don't compromise, so please do so in the comments. And if you have any things you will not do for a date, please share them so I don't feel so alone.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Tuesday - Dealbreakers

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am really not a planner. Outside of my wardrobe consultations with the bestie I never know what I'm doing from one moment to the next. In job interviews, the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' scares the crap out of me because I never know what to say.

Needless to say, I also don't have a list of what I'm looking for in a man. This may have something to do with the fact that I'm not currently looking for one, but I also think that being too narrow in your search can stop you from seeing something out of the box that might be really good. Much to my delight, one of my favourite blogging boys agrees with me. (here too)

But a recent conversation with one of my girls - who had 42 must-haves on her list - and reading this and this, got me thinking I ought to give a list a try. But since a list of what I want in a man would be way too long, I thought I'd try a list of what I absolutely do.not.want.

So without further ado, here are my dealbreakers:

1. Rudeness

This includes poor phone/email/text/bbm etiquette. And rudeness to others. Don't pull out my chair at the dinner table and then snap your fingers at the waitress to get her attention. It won't fly.

2. Deadbeat Dads

If you refuse to see your children because you have beef with their mother, you fail. If you refuse to find a way to get along with your child's mother so that you can see your kids, you fail. If you don't support your kids to the best of your ability, you fail. If you blatantly favour one child over another, you fail. If you hide the fact that you have kids, you fail.

3. Selfishness/Lack of consideration

No one wants a doormat, but I'm not rotating around your sun either. If you don't get that there are two of us here and both of our needs deserve consideration; I'm out.

4. Lack of Confidence

What can I say? It's just not hot.


5. Can't See Through my Slickness

I can be extremely slick when I want to and I need a man who will call me on it. If I can run rings around you I will and neither of us will like it.

5-b. Doesn't Want to Wear the Pants

It may surprise you to know that at heart I am a throwback - cater to you is my theme song - and I expect the man to be the boss. I need a man that is traditional enough in his thinking to get down with this concept. You can't be asking me all the time what I want to do, you're supposed to tell me what I'm gonna do.


6. Racial Consciousness

He doesn't have to be militant, but he has to have some kind of racial identity. I dated a man once who had had two serious relationships in his adult life; both with white women. He asked me if I had a problem with that and I didn't - whatever floats your boat buddy - but then he went on to say that he felt that a person's race had no relevance whatsoever, and that's where he lost me. He has to think about race.

6-b. I also can't get down with non-black guys.

Sorry.

7. He must get (or at least tolerate) maxlogic.

If he's going to constantly try to make me see sense, he's gonna get throat-punched.

So those are my dealbreakers. They're not unreasonable, are they? What are yours?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Good Looks for Girls

If you're a longtime or dedicated reader of mine you know that I am a throwback girl. I'm that handwash your dirty draws, Cater to You is my theme song,  wake up at 3:00am to cook for you, Stepford Wife kinda chick who also knows how to get freaky in the bedroom. Remember a few years back when that excerpt from a 1950's Home Ec textbook about how to keep your husband happy was circling the internets? I'm the only woman you know who read that and said, "f*cking right!".

As you can imagine, part and parcel of this way of life is being a total girly-girl; which I am potty mouth notwithstanding. I like to dress nicely and wear makeup and I don't like getting dirty. I don't play sports and I don't believe I was put on earth to plunge toilets or take out the garbage so I call my ex over when it needs to be done.

That being said, there are certain "man moves" that, when undertaken successfully by a woman, are hella sexy. So I advise all my female readers to master them posthaste to give you that extra leg up in the dating wars. These are your trump cards that you keep close to your vest...then when the time is right you whip them out and lay them on his ass and then quickly revert to your girly girl self, leaving him staring dumbfounded and with a gigantic hard-on.

Sidebar: This post was inspired by a Twitter conversation between my e-girls MsEsquire77 and Nick_L_Odeon...the list is a modified version of MsEsquire's. Thanks ladies! Ready? Okay!

Manly Moves that are a Good Look on a Girl


1. Play a good game of poker/dominoes/chess/All Fours etc.

There is a school of thought that women are not good at games that involve strategy because we lack a logical mind. Now many women disagree with that but they are wrong and will argue to the death with any man who gives voice to this theory. That is not the right way to prove your point ladies. The right way to show off your logical mind is to master a logical game like any of the above, innocently ask to join him the next time he's playing with the boys, and then kick all their asses.

Bonus: This is a brilliant strategy because it will let you know definitively what kind of man you are dealing with. A panty meat will be emasculated by your victory and will lash out at you in a childish and hurtful way to punish you for embarassing him. A good dude will be impressed. And turned on.

Max can you do this? I never really learned how to play poker or chess but I'm pretty good at dominoes and I will hang your Jack in All-Fours. Or I will Euchre you, for my non-Trini readers.

2. Shoot pool without looking like an idiot.

This could have been included with #1, but I kept it separate because it has one key difference - the physical aspect. See a lot of girls suggest pool as a date activity because they know they suck and they know the man will feel compelled to coach them. And that said coaching involves the man pressing up close behind her to show her how to hold the cue properly. Therefore, if you're going on a pool date, chances are the dude is expecting to be pressed up on your backside before the night is through. Imagine his surprise when he realizes that won't be necessary. And we all know the element of surprise is key in keeping a man's attention, right?

Bonus points: If you're actually good enough at pool to beat him.

Max can you do this? Sadly, no. Although we had a pool table in my house when I was growing up and I know how to play, my lack of hand-eye coordination makes getting the balls in the hole a big challenge.

4. Fix your car

Now I'm not suggesting that you jack your sh*t up and change your own transmission because really, what man knows how to do that these days? But if you are a woman (such as myself) who can select and replenish all the necessary fluids in her car, you're good. If you can replace your own wiper blades, you're better. And if you can change your own oil, you're golden.

Bonus points: Wear some Daisy Dukes while you're doing this a la Dukes of Hazard and see if you don't own your man for life after this.

Max can you do this? All my adult life I thought I was the dopest woman in the world because I know how to do an oil change, but then Ms. Nick_L_Odeon had to shame me by tweeting about changing her breaks and now I must concede my title to her. Bitch

5. Drive stick

I once asked a man what's so sexy about a woman driving a stick. He said "I don't know...I just look at her and I think drive that car girl!" Maybe not the best explanation ever, but every man I know is turned on by a woman who can drive standard and none has ever explained it better than that. I'm guessing it has something to do with watching you handle that shaft and imagining you handling his shaft...

Bonus points: None. But you really don't need them here.

Max can you do this? Effing right I can!

Ladies, what do you think? Can you do any of this stuff? Have you found that it impresses men when you do? And my men - are you turned on by a woman who can do these things?

Throwback Tuesday - The Comfort Zone

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd re-post all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

So ladies, you know how it is - you meet someone, you start dating, and you're working overtime to make sure your shit is on point. Everything is waxed, hair is always done, and every date requires a quorum to determine the perfect outfit. And it works, right? Things progress and deepen, you have the talk about exclusivity, and you begin to feel a little more secure. So you take the waxing lady off speed dial, choose your own outfits, and start wearing the glasses and saving the contacts for 'special' occasions. Nothing wrong with that. But then things progress a little further, you know you have him on lock, and suddenly you live at the corner of messy ponytail and lululemon pants. You show up for sleepovers wearing your head tie and your zit cream. And we all know you're not shaving or waxing a place.

Ladies, there's such a thing as too comfortable. And that is it.

I’m not saying that you need to look like a runway model every moment you're with your man. A wise man once told me "a woman can't be on her A game every time you see her". That’s true, but that does not mean you need to completely fall off your grooming habits.

Please remember - men are visual creatures - they are stimulated by what they see. So please give them something enticing to look at, or don't be upset when they look somewhere else. And remember what I told you - you gotta start as you mean to go on. So if you start out cute and get lazy, don't be surprised when he starts out smitten and ends up bored.

Now this does not mean that you have to do what I do dumb sh*t like waiting until he falls asleep to take off your makeup and tie your hair and then set the alarm really early so you can groom yourself and climb back in bed. That’s just silly. Head tying is a necessary part of hygiene and most men will appreciate the effort. But think of it as a trade off:

Head tie + flannel pajamas = not hot
Head tie + sexy pajamas = him probably not even noticing what is on your head.
Bonus points for head tie + no pajamas

Not wearing makeup if you're hanging at home = fine
Walking around with dots of toothpaste all over your face = fail

I think you get the picture. Am I off base here?

Oh and men - don't think you're off the hook here either. You know you get comfortable too. No one wants to see you walking around with strategically-placed holes in your boxers. And yes you have to put lotion on even if we are just hanging at your place (on your WHOLE body please - not just your arms and legs). We women may not be as driven by the visuals as you are, but we still want to see you looking good.

What say you all though? Ladies how comfortable do you get with your man? Men - how comfy is too comfy?


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Substitute Dude

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

To succeed as a single woman, a gal needs a lot of tools. These range from the esthetic - the perfect lip gloss (yes Skye you do need this),  f*ck-me shoes, and a f*ck-me dress - to psychological warfare such as The Rules.  But there is no greater tool in a woman's arsenal than the substitute man.

What? You don't know about the substitute man? Well you're in luck ladies because I'm about to school you. And men you should listen too so you can recognize the signs you might be on substitute status.

The substitute man has one purpose - to stop a girl from f*cking things up with her man of choice. He's used in the early stages; when you've just met someone and he's all you can think about. All you want to do is talk to him, internet stalk him and talk about him. Unfortunately, this precarious stage of your relationship requires you to be strategic in your dealings with him; we all know there are strict rules about when and how often you can contact a new dude...no matter how much you're dying to talk to him. This is the "new dude burn" and it stings like a motherf*cker.

What a lot of ladies do when they start to feel the burn is barrage their girlfriends with talk. They want to analyze every word of every exchange, examine the significance of his Facebook profile picture, and pick apart every nuance of every text message. But while this mental masturbation is highly engrossing to you, it's crashingly boring for your bestie. In the best of circumstances you're gonna get a week tops of obsessing before your bff cuts you off....and then what do you do?

You get a substitute dude.

A substitute dude is someone mild to moderately interesting that you can entertain yourself with to minimize the new dude burn. Not a friend, but not a real contender; the substitute dude's role is basically the potential new relationship that you sabotage by not being strategic. This is the guy that you can call every day just to say hi, languish with for hours on the phone, and accept invitations from with no notice without worrying that you're making yourself too available.

Finding a substitute dude is pretty straightforward; all you have to do is find a polite, decent-looking dude who displays even a modicum of interest in you. Don't worry if he doesn't approach you; you can make a move on him because it doesn't matter if you give up your power. That's the beauty of the substitute dude - you can relax, be yourself, and put your copy of Why Men Love Bitches away for a little while.

Once you have your substitute dude in place here's what you do: every time you get to feening for your new dude and reach for the phone to send him a "I had a dream about you" text; send it to substitute dude instead. It's Saturday night and you want to try out dinner at Noir - don't ask new dude, invite substitute dude. You're bored and feel like having a marathon phone call with a man? Call substitute dude.

A few key things to keep in mind though when selecting your substitute. First, don't pick someone too hot or too busy; he'll retreat from your advances and next thing you know you'll be sweating him instead of new dude. Second, make sure he's interested in you - this is a distraction, not a campaign. Third, don't mislead substitute dude. I mean obviously you don't let him know that you're using him he's on substitute status, but don't give him the idea that you're trying to wife him either. That's just mean.

The substitute dude is a brilliant strategy because it accomplishes three things in one. He gasses up your head, distracts you from new dude, and fills up your time so that you naturally become less available - and infinitely more desirable - to new dude. How brilliant is that?

And in case you're wondering if this strategy isn't just a trifle mean - shamelessly using the substitute dude to further your cause with the man you really want? The answer is yes. But for one thing, any dude to gets himself sucked into substitute status basically brought it on himself by being too receptive to the girl's advances.  I mean really - a girl who is that into you right out of the gate should always be a red flag for you because there's never a good reason for that. And also, don't think of the substitute dude as a human being who may be hurt by your actions, think of him as collateral damage in the battle of dating.

Insert evil laugh here.

Oh and men if you're wondering whether you're on substitute status there are two signs: 1. the girl you just met (who more than likely is wildly out of your league) is all up on your nuts with seemingly no agenda and no games.  2. the girl who was all up on your nuts for weeks suddenly disappears. When you finally get a hold of her she tells you she can't hang out because she has a boyfriend. Has this ever happened to you? And you wondered how the hell she found time to get a boyfriend when she was talking and hanging out with you so much? Well now you know.

So ladies tell me - do you use a substitute dude to get over the new dude burn? Does it work for you? Men - I'm pretty sure you don't need to do this, but please let me know if I'm wrong.


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Tuesday - 10 Dumb Things Women Do

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The Complexities of Dealing with a Busy Dude

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the battlefield of dating, busy dudes are a single woman's land mine: invisible to the naked eye, unpredictable, and liable to blow up in your face. And therefore, probably better off avoided.

Sadly, in life - as in war - the only foolproof way to avoid injury is to skip the battle altogether; and that's no fun is it? The key instead is to have some kind of battle plan in place to minimize the damage. But I'll get into that in a minute.

Since the unofficial motto of this blog is "know thine enemy", let's take a moment to examine our adversary. The busy dude comes in three types:

1. The Busy Professional

This guy has a job that you're expected to be impressed by; entertainment, sports, politics, and media are filled with these assholes dudes. His work requires him to keep irregular hours, always be on the phone, become unavailable at the last minute, and be around a lot of women.

His MO: He bemoans his busy-ness as something he hates but can't avoid. You'll feel sorry for him and be extra-understanding.

2. The Busy Father

This guy has a regular schedule, but he also has kids to whom he is devoted. Which is charming and admirable. He usually has a contentious relationship with the "crazy" mother of his children.

His MO: He'll tell you right from jump that spending time with his children is his first priority; you won't mind because that's as it should be. The first time he plays the daddy card has to cancel plans because of his kids he'll be extra-apologetic. The 2nd-100th time, not so much.

3. The Temporarily Busy Dude

For the most part this dude has a normal job and a normal life, but every once and while something pops up in his schedule that causes him to vanish into thin air. Just as you're getting ready to move on with your life, he'll reappear and have all the time in the world for you.

His MO: You won't know you're dealing with this dude until he's gone. Everything will start out hunky dory and then he'll suddenly stop calling. Usually after you've slept with him the first time. This dude doesn't want to call you unless he has time to have a long conversation with you, so expect long silences broken up with bursts of him being all up in your crotches.

What all these dudes have in common is the one thing every girl's a sucker for: passion. Listen to busy professional talk about his latest project and you'll swoon at the thought of him being so devoted to you. Let busy dad show you pictures of his kids and you'll imagine the light that is shining in his eyes directed at you. And since temporarily busy dude's disappearances are usually caused because he was helping someone in need; you'll be charmed by his dedication to the ones he loves.

Now whether these dudes are legitimately busy or just pulling the ultimate #swindle, to deal with the busy man a gal needs a game plan. And since I just love telling you what to do, here is yours:

1. Set boundaries.

Real boundaries, ladies, not the kind you pretend to have when you're talking to your girls but forget all about when he's cheesing in your face. A certain amount of understanding is required when dealing with these types, but don't let him run all over you.

2. Know when you're beaten

A busy man is not for everyone. I rate these dudes because I like my space; but the average woman cannot deal gracefully with this type. If you're the type to make a scene every time your man's schedule gets in the way of your plans, you might want to skip the busy dude.

3. Remember this: he is not Barack Obama

There is only one man in the world is truly so busy that he cannot find time to contact you and that is Barack Obama. If you're not getting so much as a three-word text message at least once a week, throw that fish back honey. He's a dud.

That's my take on busy dudes...what's yours? Ladies how do you deal with this type? Men, tell us - is busy just a #swindle or do these guys have a legitimate issue?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Monday - My Version of the Ladder Theory

Sorry folks - it was quite a weekend and I did not have time to post. We we'l do throwback today and I'll give you something good tomorrow...sound good?

So about a year ago I found myself on what appeared to be an impromptu blind date. Dude was smart, funny, and interesting but not particularly hot. And before you start to roll your eyes at my shallowness, let me assure you that I have dallied with my fair share on non-cuties in my lifetime. So it's not that every man I have to date has to be Idris Elba handsome, it's just that I've noticed a trend in behaviour that occurs when non-cute men date hotties such as myself.

Sidebar: this post is based on the principle that I am a hottie. Call me an egomaniac if you will, but none of this is gonna make any sense if you don't subscribe to that particular theory.

Anyway. For those of you not familiar with the ladder theory, it's a pseudoscientific explanation the ways in which men and women evaluate members of the opposite sex upon first impressions. In the ladder theory model, this decision is typically made quickly and is often final. This determines the other's potential as a future mate. (source)

So basically, when men and women meet, they place each other on a ladder based on how they score on a bunch of different points. The higher the score, the higher you go on the ladder. The whole thing is pretty stupid complex, but the one aspect of the ladder theory that is relevant to this post is "ladder disparity". Simply put, this is when two people meet each other and place each other on vastly different points on the ladder. Check out this picture:

See how Bob has Jane on the bottom of his ladder and Jane has Bob at the top of hers? That's what we're talking about here.

Now back to they mystery date. Although homeboy and I are both funny, smart, and interesting, I would likely end up higher on his ladder than he would on mine because I am hot and he is a troll of the difference in our levels of attractiveness. And I know what you're gonna say - looks don't matter, it's what inside that counts, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, pretty and $3 will get you on the bus. But before you start with all that, let me school you. The problem is not one's level of attractiveness per se, it's how our perception of our own attractiveness and that of our partners dictates how we behave.

Let me illustrate: I (a hottie as previously discussed) once dated a man who - when I first saw him - literally made my jaw drop. But oh my lord what a spectacular asshole he was. Seriously.  I've never been treated worse by a man and trust me when I tell you I have met some real jackasses in my time. But oh if you guys could have seen me, buying shoes for this man, cooking for him, enduring levels of disrespect that I can't even get into here, all because he was higher than I on the ladder. I felt that he was out of my league and that I had to bend over backwards to please him because of all the other women out there just waiting for me to fuck up so they could snatch him.

Conversely, I also once dated a man whose jaw probably dropped when he first saw me.  He was a nice guy, but definitely nothing to get excited about in the looks department. But oh how he showered me with attention and affection. Because I was out of his league, he had to work overtime to win me over.

So you're probably wondering, what's wrong with that?

Well in the first scenario, the dude was highly attractive and in his mind that gave him license to be an asshole. and no matter how accommodating I was, he stayed an asshole.  The only thing that changed was that I met someone else got sick of it and bounced. In the second scenario, despite my superior level of attractiveness I was not an asshole and never became one. And because of his efforts, old dude eventually won me over and we reached a point of equilibrium where we were equally into each other. And then he became an asshole and the whole thing ended in a dramatic, painful, and tragic way.

Get it now? No? Okay - let me break it down for you (so it can forever and consistently be broke). When a woman dates a hottie, she works hard to prove her worth. To paraphrase the late great Robin Harris, ugly girls don't want no trouble. They're just grateful a hot dude is giving them the time of day, even if it's wrong. But when a woman dates an uggo, he's not grateful, he's on a mission. He has one objective: to cut her down to size and he will do whatever it takes to accomplish his goal. He'll refuse to tell her she's pretty because he doesn't want to "gas up her head". He'll be distant, sketchy, and confusing  until he has flipped things in such a way so as to make her behave as though she's the one at the bottom of the ladder.

So the moral of the story is not that a pretty girl should never date a homely dude. It's just that a lot of girls go for the less attractive ones because they think it will be easier. There's an expectation that the unfortunate-looking man will continue to work hard for his hot girl throughout their relationship because at every moment he will be aware that she's out of his league. And I'm here to tell you: this is not the case. Non-cute men have egos just like cuties do and they're not gonna sweat you ad infinitum - why go through all that bother when they can just cut you down to a manageable size?

So what does all this mean for impromptu blind date dude? I found out that he is known in his social circle for being the ugly dude who pulls nuff girls because he's educated and well-to-do. And he dumps them with a quickness for infractions such as not having pretty enough feet or misusing a word in a sentence. And also that he's not feeling me.

See? Pretty and $3 can get you on the bus.

What do you guys think of my theory?

Throwback Tuesday - The Art of the Game

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd repost all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

'[Ladies,] when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much.Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!'
(from The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider)

Ridiculous, right? I know.
But consider this:

'I say that maybe she should stop reading it.
'I know...But it's like I've been trying to catch a fish by swimming around with them. I keep making myself get in the water again. I try different rivers. I change my strokes. But nothing works. Then I find this guide that tells me about fishing poles and bait, how to cast and what to do when the line gets taut...The depressing part is that you know it will work.'
(from The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank)

Don't we all feel this way?

I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't read, bought, or skimmed at least one of the following books: The Rules, Why Men Love Bitches, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, He's Just Not That Into You, or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. And while most women recognize the impracticality of following their advice, there is just enough truth to it to stop us from completely disregarding them (and because I have male readers, I'm not gonna get into the nitty-gritty of what the books say - can't give away all our secrets). The challenge is how to balance this dogmatic advice with a) the dating pool in your city and b) your own personality.

For example, The Rules tells women not to ever accept a date if the man gives you less than four days' notice. To which women inevitably say, 'I don't know a single man that would ever give four days notice! if I listen to these dumb bitches Ii'll never get a date!'

On the other hand, any smart woman knows a man will only put forth as much effort as you require him to. So if you don't insist on notice, you'll never get it. All the same, four days seems a bit extreme, no? So where does the solution lie? Somewhere in between I guess.

The main point that all these books make (and yes, I have read them all) is that men are hunters and without the chase they get bored. So women can't be too available. Which I think is absolutely true. It's in the execution that problems begin:

'Invite a man over for dinner and when he gets there pop a bag of microwave popcorn. Put it in a bowl if he's really special'?
That's pretty extreme. A woman reads something like that and just gives up because the shit is so improbable.

'When the cheque comes for dinner, don't even look at it and under no circumstances make an attempt to pay it'
Most men I know expect a woman to at least offer, even when she knows her offer won't be accepted.

'Don't be funny. Funny is masculine'
But what if you're just a funny person?

At one point in my life I gave up on these games altogether. I decided to just 'be myself' and 'be real' and lay my feelings and availabilities on the line without agenda or strategy. I considered it a social experiment and if you've been paying attention you know how that worked out.

So are games the answer for women? I'm not convinced. I think that what the problem is - and what these books ignore - is the way in which a woman will prioritize a man; right from the very beginning. She can be in the middle of a serious conversation with a friend and if Mr. New Dude calls on the other line, she'll drop everything to take the call. And once she has him on the phone, she's not switching over to answer a beep. She'll blow off plans with her friends for a date with dude and not think twice about it.

If I ever wrote a dating advice book, it would be one line long - live your life, girl. If you're on the phone and he beeps in, send his ass to voicemail just like you would your mother. If he hits you on BBM while you're sleeping, sleep. If you have plans with your friends, go about your business and let him catch you another time. You don't need to invent a life just to trick a man into thinking you're interesting and desirable, just live the one you have so that you actually will be.

That's my two cents. Post yours in the comments.

Shy My A$$

When you are a woman who refuses to ask a man out like me, you will inevitably spend a lot of time wondering why the object of your desire hasn't made a move yet. And if you are like most women, you and your girlfriends will spend even more time coming up with explanations as to why he's not asking you out. Beside the obvious, that is. 

The explanations women will come up with run the gamut from he's intimidated (but SBM already dispelled that myth) to he's dense to my personal favourite: he's shy. At which point I call bullshit.

Yup. I don't believe there's such a thing as a shy man. Call me what you will, but I just don't buy it.  Why? Read on.

According to dictionary.com, shy is defined like this:

Shy, bashful, diffident:  imply a manner that shows discomfort or lack of confidence in association with others. Shy implies a constitutional shrinking from contact or close association with others, together with a wish to escape notice: shy and retiring. Bashful suggests timidity about meeting others, and trepidation and awkward behavior when brought into prominence or notice.

A man, shy? Please! 

Now I know your little fingers are all in a frenzy getting ready to type your comments. In them, you will tell me that you can give me countless examples of men that you know personally who are really shy.  And do you know what I will tell you? Here's what I will tell you:

Think of every man you consider shy. Picture him asking a woman out on a date. Oh your sympathetic little woman-heart bleeds for him doesn't it? It's charming. Now picture that same man in a job interview, on the basketball court, asking his boss for a raise, at the strip club, hanging with his friends, at his company's holiday party, asking a sales associate for help in a department store. Is he still sniveling? Are his hands still shaking? No? Then he's not shy - he's just lazy. 

See here's the thing about shyness. If you read the definition closely, you'll notice that it's not situational in nature; shy is shy. A man who is "shy" when he has to ask a woman out but is not shy when he has to talk to his boss is not shy. He's just unmotivated.  Unlike women, whose shyness tends to be universal - if they're shy with men they're also shy with co-workers, friends, store staff, and prospective employers - men's shyness tends to be situational. As in, a man is only shy when faced with a woman that he just doesn't want badly enough.  Because if he did, he would access his stones and use them as fuel to get off his ass and make a move.

Shy my ass I say.

Come on - tell me I'm wrong.

Older Women 101

A while back I wrote about the allure of the younger man. At that time, I hadn't  played in the sandbox experienced the phenomenon and wondered whether there were any drawbacks to getting involved with a young buck. Now after knocking back a few a bit more research, I know the answer is yes. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still in favour of  the younger guy. I still think they bring the freshness and most women in their 30's need that. But, being young, they also need a little guidance when it comes to dealing with grown ups. What's cute and charming to a 25 year-old girl makes a 35 year-old stabby.

So without further ado, I give you Older Women 101: A Guide for Young Bucks (Don't you just love the term "young buck"?)

1. Time is money and outta sight, outta mind.

Two things I've noticed heard about younger guys: They're perpetually late and they disappear for weeks on end. Neither of these are cute and both must stop immediately. If I say come over at 7 and you show up at 9, I will be sleeping (my Twitter people can attest to this). And no I'm not going to wake up for you; don't you know that in your 30's sleep trumps sex? At least on weekdays.  

Similar to this, if we hook up on a day when there's snow on the ground and I don't hear from you again until my lilac tree is blooming, you have lost your place in my rotation. A drift-off is not a good look for any man, but for a young dude there is no recovering from this.

2. We're not gonna work for it

The whole point of getting with younger dudes is that they are easier to deal with than men our own age. You call when you say you're going to. You have time (or make time) for us. You are free with compliments. We're supposed to get from you that which your older counterparts withhold. So don't try to make me sweat you. What for? I'm too old to work for c*ck.

3. Hey how you doing just means hey how you doing

Don't get all shook just because your older girl extended some common courtesy to you. Offering you a beverage or a meal, texting to ask how your big day went, or offering to give you a ride somewhere are not signs that she's trying to be wifed. She's just being mannerly.

4. We don't (always) do sleepovers

Older women are particular about their shit. We don't want to sleep on your low-thread-count sheets or wash our faces with your hard water. We don't want to drink our morning OJ in a mug because you have no clean glasses. Just let us go home after the main event if that's what we want to do.

5. We don't care about your other girls

If you're spending time with an older woman and she asks you about your other women, she's not jealous. She's concerned about two things: your hygeine and your drama quotient. We're not trying to lock you down so there is no reason to lie. Or to get all freaked out and disappear for weeks on end.

Am I being a bit unfair here? Probably. But to me, the whole point of the arrangement is to achieve the zipless fuck. Easy, no strings, no muss, no fuss. So why you young bucks must muss and fuss it up with your bullshit is beyond me. But stop it right now before I put your ass in the naughty corner.

But what do you guys think? Ladies do you hold younger men to a higher standard than men your own age? Men are you willing to work harder for an older woman?

Conversations About Sex

In case you haven't noticed, I kinda love sex. Sex comes second only to books as the true love of my life. I write about it as often as I can, think about it all the time, and never, ever pass up an opportunity to have some. But the thing I think I love the most about sex is talking about it. Well, sometimes.

For the last few years I've had a firmish policy: I don't discuss sex with a man with whom I intend to have it.  Sound backwards? Well let me explain. There are two reasons why I think this is a bad idea; first because, as previously discussed, I like the anticipation of not knowing what a man will be like in bed before we get there. I like to go deputy dog on him and use his words and behaviour as clues of what he will be like. I know it's weird but that's just me.

The second and main reason I avoid pre-sex talk is that something happens when you have these kinds of conversations with men. I don't know why, but it seems that breaking the seal on the sex talk before you break the seal on the sex tends to lead to some crappy-ish behaviour. I have my theories about why that is, but I'll save that for another post and another day.

So the other day I was talking about my aversion to sex talk with my buddies over at Met Another Frog. They weren't buying the max-logic at all. Like, not.at.all. After a pretty lengthy discussion involving me bringing up my (admittedly feeble) arguments against pre-sex conversations and Skye shutting me down, they pretty much had me convinced that letting your prospective partner know about your needs, wants, and preferences (and learning about his) is the grown-up thing to do and the only way to ensure you get what you need once secksy time comes around. 

Now that I've had some time to marinate on it, I'm still not sold. I can't shake the feeling that these kinds of conversations are clinical and unromantic. And the last time I discussed sex in detail with a man prior to sleeping with him, he disappeared almost immediately afterward. So I'm sticking with my telephathic method of making my needs known to my partner; understanding of course that I cannot complain if they're not met. Well, not to his face anyway.

But what say you, ladies and gents? Do you lay out your expectations to your partner before you slam? Is there a way to make this conversation not lead to disaster? Educate me because I'm clearly backwards on this one.

PSA for Ladies - The Toilet Seat is not that Deep

I've been meaning to rant on this for a minute and now the time has come. Ladies I'm talking to you today and I have only one question: what is it with you and the toilet seat? No - seriously....what is it?

I lived with a man for I don't know how many years and he never once put the toilet seat down when he was finished with it. Never. And do you know how many times I accidentally fell in the toilet? Never. Because I checked before sitting down. Don't you all do that?

And really - how did down become the default position for toilet seats anyway? Let's really examine this. As far as I can see, the toilet has 5 main purposes:

1. For a lady to pee in
2. For a man to pee in
3. For a lady or man to poop in
4. For vomiting
5. For cleaning

Hmm...so out of 5 possible uses, 3 require the seat to be up. And yet you're still complaining? I don't get it.

The way I see it, complaining about the toilet seat is a little like the boy who cried wolf. You know what I mean? It's like you waste so much time complaining about something so frivolous that when you have legitimate beef the man is already tired of hearing your mouth. You're destroying your own credibility because you don't want to take a half a second to look down at the seat before you sit in it. Does that make any sense?

Ladies - any of you out there agree with me or is this further evidence that I am really a man?

Yuck is in the Details

I'm not a romantic woman. I don't need soft music or rose petals to get me in the mood. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear will make me throw you out of bed. I think foreplay is over-rated. But there is one thing I insist on when it comes to secksy time: mood lighting.

It's not that I'm afraid of taking off my clothes with the lights on - I recognize that the minor imperfections that plague most women are virtually undetected by a man when he's looking at her naked. It's more that I think that certain parts of the body go down better with a little soft focus. In other words, I think vaginas and penises are effing ugly.

Let's really consider the vagina for a moment. Although it's often referred to as a flower, it looks more like a Venus Flytrap to me. I have no idea how any man can look at the gash head-on in broad daylight and say "yeah that looks like a safe place to stick my most prized possession".  I'm a woman and I can't make heads or tails of it - there are too many different colours and way too many nooks and crannies. Based on the way it looks, to me the vagina is like the Bermuda Triangle of human anatomy...some of the stuff that goes in there is never coming back out.

And then there's the penis. Lord knows I'm so very grateful for its invention, but I would really really prefer not to have to look at it full-on. It's...creepy. All those veins and different colours. And that weird slit at the top that looks like it's watching you.  If the vagina looks like a place you shouldn't go, the penis is like an extraneous third person who showed up out of nowhere. And don't even get me started on the uncircumcised ones. It's all just too much for my delicate constitution.

Now let me just say for the record that I recognize that being visually assaulted by seeing your partner's private parts is an essential part of sex. I accept that and it's not like I start freaking out and covering my eyes when a d*ck comes into view anymore. I'm just saying that all my sexual fantasies involve Idris Elba dim lighting. Because while God might be in the details when it comes to architecture, He was clearly looking elsewhere during the final approval of the private parts.

Happy Friday everyone!

How to Keep a Man

If you follow me on twitter you saw me tweeting the other night about the old diaries I was reading. They were so sadly pathetic that I was actually a little bit ashamed to be myself. But I found something interesting in there that I thought I would share with you all.

Back in my early twenties I was dating this man who was just a spectacular a$$hole. And one day he ordered me to watch Queens of Comedy and pay special attention to Mo'nique's part about how to please her man. He told me to listen closely and write it down. Lucky for you, I was an obedient little girl and I did.

Let's examine Mo'nique's rules of thumb for keeping her man:

1. She never lets her friends hang with her and her man "F*ck you single bitches!" is how she put it.

2. She never leaves her man unattended with other women. She won't even let a maid clean her house if her husband's there and she's not.

3. She'll do anything her husband wants her to sexually. He calls her the FBIA (Freakiest B*tch in America). She says if she doesn't do what he wants, another b*tch will.

Now in my young and idealistic days I thought this list was a bunch of bullshit. I wrote in my diary that if that was the way he wanted me to conduct himself he was in for a big disappointment. These days I actually think this list is on point.

Most of the women I know would disagree with this whole list. In my experience, women like to live in the land of fairy tales where they think a commitment trumps opportunity and therefore there is no reason not to trust a man alone with a maid or their friends alone with their man. Not me. To paraphrase the God of Relationships, a man is only as faithful as his opportunities. We all know that a man in a committed relationship should be able to resist temptations, but whether he would actually be able to do so is another story. If I was in a relationship and I was worried about my man cheating on me, please believe I would do everything in my power to ensure he would never be alone with a woman who wasn't his mother.

As much as most women disagree with numbers 1 and 2, they are probably shaken to their very foundations by number 3. This is probably the biggest thing women don't understand about men. Women like to refuse to participate in sex acts that they think are nasty because they think it makes men respect them more. In girl-logic, a man will value a "nice" girl over a sexually adventurous one every time. Therefore if their man wants something in the bedroom that she's not willing to give, he'll just roll over and say to himself  "Well relationships are about compromise and she thinks it's nasty so I'll just let it go and be content with the fact that she is a warm, nurturing, intelligent, giving woman". Ladies, I already schooled you on this one but let me tell it to you again - there is always some simple b*tch out there willing to do the blow rim job you won't. So whether you accept it or  not, in his mind he has a pass and he will redeem it in the right set of circumstances.  So ladies I say to you, quite literally, suck it up or suffer the consequences.

What say you ladies and men? Should a woman police her man and bend to his every sexual whim? Or are Mo'Nique and I full of shit?

The Control Freak

I was recently explaining my aversion to sleepovers to a new friend. As I desperately tried to convey the importance of sleeping on a satin pillowcase (and the dearth of said pillowcases at men’s houses) to a man with very little hair, he looked at me and shook his head.  “What you need to do,” he intoned “is stop trying to control everything and just enjoy life”.
I agreed with him but thought to myself, “easier said than done”. See I’m a straight-up control freak and pretty much always have been. I’m that girl who walks around with a huge purse with everything she might ever possibly need in it, because God forbid I get caught out there someday without my Tide to Go stick.
In a relationship, my control-freakiness manifests as a laissez-faire attitude. Sounds contradictory, but by asking nothing of my partner I relinquish no control; I don’t make requests whose outcomes are determined by anyone other than myself. This, I realize, is probably not the right balance of power in a relationship. But what is? And do different types of control weigh more heavily than others?
I was once in an unrelationship in which I controlled the purse-strings.  Being a modern woman but yet no fool, I compensated for this imbalance of power by pretending that it didn’t exist. And basically giving up control of all other aspects of our life together. I know that a man needs to feel like a man and it’s difficult to do this when the woman controls the money, but a man who makes all the rules despite the fact that he doesn’t make the money should feel like a king, right? Wrong. No matter what I did to equalize the balance of power in our relationship, that imbalance was always there and was the demise of our relationship.
But should power and control matter in a relationship?  Maybe not, but some people truly can’t help it. We’ve read enough about control freaks and Type-A personalities to know that some people just can’t relax unless they’re holding the reins of something, whether it be which side of the bed they sleep on or the direction their relationship takes. Is this something we have to squelch in order to have a happy home or is it possible to love someone who feels the need to direct every minute aspect of life?
Maybe I’m naïve, but I believe it is. Endless cynic though I may be, I have hope that there are people out there who can tolerate a control freak but still not be too punkish to be desirable. Or maybe I’m just kidding myself.
What say you readers? 

The Other Woman

The other woman is a bad girl, isn’t she? This predatory b*tch is the target of many a scorned woman’s ire. She’s evil, she lacks self-esteem, she has no respect for marriage, she can’t find a man of her own. But in the immortal words of Jackie Collins, who’s she when she’s at home? Who is the woman who so brazenly pulls up her chair to a table for two?  And is she really such a bad thing?

I have a difficult time with the idea that every relationship is meant to fit the same pattern – monogamous and consisting of no more than two participants. I’m no Bill Henrickson, but I do believe it’s possible that relationships can take different forms and be successful. This might be a cultural thing – Lord knows Caribbean people take great liberties with the definition of monogamy – but I’ve seen long happy marriages that involved more than just two people. And no, it ain’t always the man with the side ting.

I’ve never really been the other woman, but I confess that the idea is not without appeal. There’s always been something alluring to me about it.  It’s not that I don’t respect marriage or relationships, but it might be because I don’t value monogamy the way most people do. And for someone like me, being involved with a man whom I can never get sick of because he can’t spend every moment with me, who will likely never spend the night, and who will probably never want to get married or have children with me is a perfect fit. I could have my freedom, always have the trump card to end every argument (You’re married!), and I’d be free to spend the holidays with my family.  Plus the relationship would always have the pull and the intensity of the forbidden. What’s not to want?

Let’s face it, no relationship is perfect. No one can be everything to their partner and all relationships have their voids. Some of us fill these voids with internet porn friends or children or hobbies. Is it really such a terrible thing to fill it with another person? Doesn’t anyone remember the episode of Friends where Joey made his father break up with his mistress and then his mother came back and explained to him the ways in which the mistress made the dad a much more bearable person? Is that just fiction or is it a level of honesty with ourselves we should all be striving for?

The problem is though, that the other woman almost never plays her position. I should be egalitarian here and say the other ‘person’ rather than the other woman, but I’m not.  She wants more time, more status. She hates the wife and resents the children. She doesn’t want to hide. She wants him around on her birthday, on Christmas. She wants him to spend the night. She wants marriage and babies. She – just wants more. And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. But seeking it from your married (or otherwise committed) man is where drama begins. But I guess men don’t choose their side pieces with the intention of preserving their main things, do they? They choose them for other reasons.

Okay people, lay it on me. What do you think? Can a healthy relationship exist with more than two people involved?

In through the Out Door

When I was young, oral sex was the thing no one admitted to. No self-respecting Black man would admit to ever eating a woman’s fruit – much less beg her to let him do it. And no good girl was going down because, of course, that’s nasty. These days oral is a no-brainer, or it should be anyway. To the point where I’m some women are getting bored of it. It’s too mainstream now. There’s a new player in the sexual liberation game and its name is anal.

It seems the world of women is separated into three groups – the have’s, the haven’ts and the would-nevers. Those who have have earned the right to feel smug and superior to those women who haven’t or won’t – by allowing their exit to become entry they have forever secured their spot in the world of the sexually uninhibited; no matter what else they will or won’t do. The would-nevers are probably smug in their “good girl” status. It’s nasty and they don’t do that so go find some hoe off the street if that’s what you’re looking for. The haven’ts are gnashing their teeth trying to figure out where they fit in…they haven’t, but does that mean they wouldn’t? Is it something to squander on a night of drunken after-club sex when you can blame it on the alcohol? Or something to be saved for that mythical magical one – the husband, the soul mate, the only man who has ever been up the bum?

These are the things I ask myself sometimes.

I have a lot of dirty male friends. And for whatever reason, we talk about anal sex a lot. No matter how many times we discuss it, I can never get over the fact that sometimes a girl will let a guy go up the bum the first time she f*cks him. Really?? Just all willy-nilly like that? But at the same time, I turn up my nose scornfully when I hear stories about women who are like “never! I would never! Just – ew!”. Amateurs.

My mindset lies somewhere in between. I’m not giving up my primo virgin um, territory to just any random that comes along (it’s the last piece of innocence I have left and I’m clinging to it for all it’s worth). But at the same time, I’m certainly not saving it for a husband who may never materialize. There has to be a middle ground and so I’ve compiled a list for you of the Top 5 Characteristics of the Ideal Ass-Taker.

1. The ideal taker of the ass-virginity is somewhere between a random and a soul mate. I don’t want to give up the ass to someone who will later break my heart so that for the rest of my life I have to say “and I gave him my VIRGIN BUM!”. But at the same time, I don’t want to give it to some random who probably collects asses like playing cards. It has to mean something to him.

2. The ideal ass-conqueror has to be persistent, but not pushy. I’m probably not going to say yes the first time around, but I’ll probably give in somewhere between ask #3 and ask #74. So he can’t give up, but he has to know when to ask.

3. The ass-explorer must be gentle. If you go tearing through my shit (pardon the pun) all roughshod I will stab you in the eye. While I’m all for a little rough-and-tumble at other times, this is one time where I want you to go all Brian McKnight on me.

4. The ass-breaker cannot be too well-endowed. My 8-inch plus guys are going to have to step to the back of the line on this one. Sorry guys, you know how much I love you but I can’t use you for this one. Where are my 1 and 2 inch willies? I have a job for you!

5. The ass-winner must be discreet. First of all, word on the street is that there can be some um, mess involved with this job. I need you to handle that on your own without mentioning it to me. I’m no would-never, but that’s nasty and I don’t want to know about it. And secondly, if you go to the sports bar with your friends talking about how you took Max’s ass last night I will, again, have to stab you in the eye. Discretion is the better part of ass-f*cking my friends.

Now you guys have been kinda quiet lately, but I want to hear from you on this one. Ladies – are you a have, haven’t, or a would-never. (If you're a punk shy you can just answer the poll in the right nav) And men – what say you on these requirements? Am I asking too much?