The Ladylike Chronicles - Week V

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

It's time for another update on The Ladylike Chronicles but it's been a pretty quiet week in the quest for Fire so I don't have much to report. We've talked here and there but no sightings despite my best stalking efforts and no plans to see each other again. We seem to be taking the "tipping over a Coke machine" approach to getting things off the ground. Sigh.

Any advice for me?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Ladylike Chronicles - Week IV

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Well it's Thursday and that means it's time for an update on my social experiment (get caught up here if you're lost). When we last spoke, I hadn't heard from Codename: Fire and was considering my experiment a bust. But he has resurfaced so the mission continues.

Sidebar: for those of you who are wondering where he disappeared to, why he took so long to reappear, and what excuse he gave for said disappearance, fret not. It will all be used as fodder for the blog soon enough.

So long story short we made plans to have lunch. This meant I was in trouble right out of the gate - I have extremely weird eating habits and weird is the opposite of ladylike. So I had to give him my "we can have lunch as long as you don't mind that I might not eat anything" speech. Which turned into my "explanation of why I don't eat like a normal person" speech. Which involves the word "bowels". So that's ladylike fail #1 right there.

Ladylike fail #2: We had a conversation about the concept of having a wifey and many side bitches. I was already failing by letting it be known that I a) have any knowledge on the topic and b) condone it. But to dig my grave even further there was the following outburst: "the problem is that dudes always try to wife the side bitches. You don't wife a side bitch, you fuck a side bitch".
EPIC FAIL.
But then I put my hand to my mouth, opened my eyes all wide and said "Oops. I'm sorry. That wasn't very ladylike, was it?". That seemed to undo the bulk of the damage.

Ladylike fail #3: There was a conversation about pubic hair in which I made it clear that since I'm not an 11 year-old girl, I do not want my downthere to look like one. Talking about pubes at the table is not very ladylike, is it?

Ladylike almost-fail:  He went across the street to the bank machine before the bill came. I didn't know if it was a #swindle or a test or what but I was ready to just ask the waitress for the bill and pay it myself.  If I wasn't doing this experiment that's exactly what I would have done. But sensing that sneak-paying the bill was no a very ladylike thing to do, I called the bestie for the go-ahead and she shut me down immediately. Crisis averted!

At first I was really conscious of the whole ladylike thing and being hyper-vigilant about everything I said but pretty soon I kinda relaxed. I realized that the easiest way to stay ladylike was to listen more than I spoke; a completely foreign concept for me but it worked. Another funny thing was that I realized that my concept of being ladylike is quickly morphing into some kind of bastardized version of The Rules. And that's not a completely bad thing. But it is another post for another day.

Overall though I'd say I did a pretty good job and we had a really good time. I definitely noticed a difference in the way the afternoon went in comparison to other dates I've been one when I've been all raw-dog right from the beginning.

So what do you guys think? Could this experiment be working? Or is it still too soon to tell? Got any tips for me for keeping my dutty mouth in check? Coach me in the comments.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Ladylike Chronicles - Week III

It's time for an update on The Ladylike Chronicles. First off, I have to apologize for not giving you one til now. Fire (our target) was missing in action and I am lazy so I had nothing to report.  He has been located and the mission continues. 

Sidebar: If you don't know what I'm talking back, go read the first installment of the series and come back. It's short.

So a lot of you are not on board with my plan but that only just fueled the Fire (ha ha ha). Going into my mission I was determined to prove that I will get better results if I start with "Max Lite". So while full-strength Max might have been tempted to reach out to Fire during his absence, Ladylike Max has been demurely going on with her life until he reappears. Which he did about two weeks ago when I returned from my lunch break to a message from him on my work voicemail asking if I could give him a call so he could ask me something. So I waited the requisite 2 hours and then called him.

If you know me in real life you know that I am a total spaz about calling people. For one thing, I hate the phone and for another I get highly nervous and awkward whenever I have to call a man and this time was no exception. My hands were shaking as I dialed, my voice quivered a little as I greeted him, but I pressed on. 

The conversation got off to a good start; he asked my opinion about something, I gave it. He was interested in what I had to say and asked lots of questions. He seemed satisfied with my answer (which comes as no surprise since both full-strength Max and Max Lite are highly funny and highly brilliant). Then we started shooting the shit. We talked about food and weather, men and women, sex and dating. It was a good conversation except for one tiny snafu: I forgot all about the Ladylike Chronicles and let full-strength Max out. Oops! 

Here's where I went wrong:

1. I called him Dude at least 3 times

2. Said "fuck" at least once

3. I somehow turned the conversation to the subject of anal sex and we proceeded to have a long and in-depth discussion about it.

4. I told him about the blog

All of this is exactly the opposite of the terms of this experiment, but all the same the conversation went really, really well. It was long, it was funny, and I relaxed and stopped sweating pretty early on (that's always a good sign). At the end he suggested we get together for dinner soon and promised to call.

Don't all you nay-sayers feel gratified now? I can just see you at your desks reading this with satisfied grins on your pusses thinking See? I told you you didn't have to be someone you're not to get someone to like you.

Well guess what? It's been two weeks and he has not called so I call bullshit on your self-satisfaction. And before you say that I cannot possibly know that the reason he hasn't called is that I was my normal unladylike self, let me say this: we don't know that that is not the reason either. And it proves that being my full-strength self does not yield optimal results.  And before you say "maybe he's just busy" let me remind you that no man who is interested in a woman will wait two weeks to ask her out, no matter how busy he is.

The upshot of all of this is that the experiment is a bust. But I will be keeping my eyes peeled for a new target and when I find him we'll start all over again. In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on this one when he crawls out of whatever hole he fell in; because we know they always do.

Happy Thursday everyone!

The Ladylike Chronicles

I decided to switch things up around here and start a new post series. Welcome to The Ladylike Chronicles. Yesterday's post about whether a raunchy bigmouth such as myself will ever find love inspired a lot of interesting discussion. But as much as I love the idea that "just being myself" will result in men falling at my feet completely enthralled with my comfort in my own skin, I'm still calling bullshit on 95% of yesterday's comments.

So I've decided to do an experiment: being ladylike in my dealings with men to prove that it will yield superior results to being myself.

The target: A dude who has only encountered my friendly side and not my loud and dirty side.

Codename: Fire

The situation thus far: Fire and LadyGirl (that's me) have met, chatted a couple of times, and exchanged a couple of email messages. He has not at all been exposed to my unladylike side.

The mission: Behave like a proper lady in my dealings with the target and see if he asks me out. I will be feminine, polite, and demure. I will not swear. I will not start my sentences with "dude" (thanks hl_bb) and under no circumstances will I use a "dirty" word. And he will obviously know nothing about this blog.

Measure of success: A date

This ought to be fun. If you have tips for me, share them in the comments.