Why I'll Never Get Over My First Love

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end" - Benjamin Disraelier

Longtime readers of this blog probably already know the basic story of my first love, but I'm gonna tell it again in more detail for the newbies. I apologize in advance because this is gonna be a long one.

I met Snickers when we were in high school at a mutual friend's party. He had a girl but we became fast friends - he and his cousin and me and my sister were a tight foursome; spending countless hours in each others' basements watching basketball, playing Come Clean over and over and over, and talking sh*t. We probably fell in love with each other about two seconds after we met but it took about two years for us to finally get together, and that was only after I gave him an ultimatum - be with me or we can't be friends anymore.

I know it sounds crazy to say this, but for a long time we had a perfect relationship. We hardly fought, loved each other hard. We knew we were going to be together forever. The only problem was that it was a long-distance relationship in the days before email, before cell phones, before facebook and twitter and all the ways we now have to stay connected to people even when they’re far away. We wrote each other letters and my parents allowed me to call him like once a month for half an hour – at something like $0.45 a minute.  There was never enough ink in the pen or minutes on the phone to say all there was to say, but we made it work. We were happy.

But we were also stupid. See here’s the thing – he was a basketball player on scholarship at a school in New York. After two years he decided he wanted to change schools; he wasn’t happy where he was. But changing schools meant that he’d have to start over from scratch somewhere else and instead of waiting two more years to be together we’d have to wait four more years. For some reason we decided that we should “separate”. We didn’t call it a break up because we would still be together when he was home but when he was at school we would be free to do our own thing. I remember being nervous about what “doing our own thing'” might lead to and I remember that he wasn’t nervous at all….he told me that no matter what happened, no matter how far apart our lives might take us, no matter what one day he would show up on my doorstep with his hand outstretched saying '”we gotta go”.

I would ask him things like “but what if I marry someone else? What if you marry someone else? What if you show up on my doorstep and I’m pregnant with someone else’s child?” And he’d tell me that he would stand there with his hand outstretched until I came with him. No matter what. And so I believed him.

Needless to say, time passed and “doing our own thing” led to huge problems between us. Our separation turned into a breakup that took about three years to complete. And when it was over there was nothing left but the love. We weren’t friends anymore. There was no closure - we never talked about what went wrong. He never talked about showing up on my doorstep one day and I stopped expecting him to.

More time passed and I dated other people. Loved another person. It took about 5 years but eventually I was able to picture myself marrying someone else without feeling like I was betraying him. I was over it, I thought.  Until he died.

The afternoon I found out I could not stop crying. I thought there was something physically wrong with me and I called my mother half-terrified that something had permanently shifted in my brain and I would never, ever stop crying. She said to me “now you’re going to have to really get over him.”

My mother – if she lives to be 112 years old – will never be more right than she was with that statement. I thought I was over it but what I was really doing was burying my feelings. I thought I had accepted that we would never be together but what I was really doing was biding my time, waiting for that knock on the door. And when I found out he was dead I was crying as much for the fact that I would never know if that knock was coming as for the actual tragedy of his death.

It’s been three years now and if you come into my home you will see more pictures of him than of anyone else in here. I know they should come down at some point and I know that I will probably never take them down. I resist everything that I see as a threat to his memory, even as my mind gently pulls me away from it. Earlier this month the anniversary of his death passed without me noticing it.  The horror of realizing that I am no longer fixating on it – and him – sent me into a tailspin of tears and self-recrimination. And that was an unconscious step forward from my past….what would a concerted effort to move on do to me? This isn’t just moving past a relationship that was meaningful; this is exorcising someone who is part of the fabric of who I am. Someone I was in love with when I became myself. I don’t know how to get rid of that and leave myself intact.

If I were reading this story about someone else I would have two things to say about it. First – that this person is caught up in the tragic romance of it – two star-crossed lovers separated by tragedy. It’s so poetic and beautiful…it’s like starring in your very own romance novel. And second – this woman is using her dead first love as an excuse not to try again. And both of those things are true. They’re part of the reason but not the whole reason.

The rest of the reason is who he was and what we had. He is the only person who ever made me feel that he loved me just for me. Not for what I did for him or how I made him feel or what I looked like, just who I was. Nothing I’ve ever had with anyone – friend, lover, whatever – has ever come close to that. And I fell in love with him at an age when I didn’t know what a broken heart felt like. I didn’t know about the horrible things that people can do to the people they love. I didn’t know that finding love is the easy part, that staying in love is the hard part. And honestly if I had known all of that back then I might not have bothered.

Why can’t I get over my first love? I don’t see the point in it really.  Even with everything I’ve learned about love and relationships, even with all the effort I’ve put in to make relationships work, I’ve never had anything like what I had so effortlessly with him. So it doesn’t seem worth the bother. I’m content with the memory of something amazing, coupled with the sheer comedy of my life as the perpetually single gal. It doesn’t seem like much but it’s enough for now.

So what about you guys? Do you have big loves that you can’t get over? Do you let them stand in the way of falling in love again? Can anyone see where I”m coming from? Give me your take in the comments.

Throwback Tuesday - One is the Onliest Number

For most of my adult life I've been a one-woman show. And notwithstanding my auntie's prayers for a husband for me and my mum's assurances that "my time will come", I'm okay with it. Let's face it, I’m way too weird and way too solitary to really flourish in a long-term relationship.

I’ve really never bemoaned walking through life alone, but lately I’ve caught myself wondering if I should have married young.  Then again, the catalyst for these musings is always either some calamity that I don’t want to deal with or something heavy that I don’t want to lift, so I don’t think I have a crisis on my hands just yet.

It does make me wonder though whether I'll ever be willing to give up the sublime joy of living alone and let a (gasp!) boy move in here. Right now the idea holds just about zero appeal, but I’m still young(ish) and hot and running the streets every chance I get. Having a man to tend to will just slow me down! Ten years from now it might be a different story.

So in order to prepare myself for the possibility of co-habiting again, I’ve been giving some thought to the possible benefits of having a live-in man at casa max. This is what I’ve come up with so far:

1. He could take out the garbage.

2. He could investigate when I hear loud noises in the middle of the night.

3. He could lift heavy things.

4. He could nag me to do the things I am too lazy to do such as take my vitamins.

5. He could help me figure out which shoes to wear with my outfits.

Hmm that's all I can think of. That's sad.

Oh wait!

6. He could untangle the knots that I always get in my necklaces.

Oh good lord that's all I can come up with.  But I did come up with a few cons of having a man around. Let's take a look, shall we?

1. He will complain about the number of toiletries I have strewn all over the place.

2. He will complain about the number of shoes I have strewn all over the place.

3. He will talk to me when I am reading.

4. More laundry to do because I do not trust men to wash clothes for me. (Oh but I just thought of a pro! He could iron for me!)

5. He will snore. And while I don't really mind snoring so much, given a choice I'd prefer not to listen to it.

6. He will turn the television up too loudly. I know he will.

7. Although he could take out the garbage, in actuality he wouldn't and that would irritate me.

8. He will want to keep his clothes in my closets after I've finally gotten them arranged the way I want them

So yeah, all things considered it doesn't seem like having a man around wouldn't accomplish the same thing as hiring a handyman and a housekeeper. And I would have a lot more closet space.

Am i missing something? Enlighten me please!

Gotta Love a Good Ex

Okay now really - have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? I hope you have but if you haven't there's still time to redeem yourself...get all the details and sh*t over here.

If you follow me on Twitter, yesterday at about 5:30pm you would have seen me tweet this: "Homeward bound with @superblackgirl". Then at about 12:15am you would have seen this: "Finally [home]!"

Now I'm reasonably sure that all of you are much better at addition than I am and can do the math on this - my sister and I left our parents' house which is two hours away at 5:30pm and I did not reach my home until 12:15am the next day. Why? Car trouble again.  Without boring you with the details, suffice it to say that said car trouble involved us sitting in my sister's disabled car on the side of the highway in a little town called Brant Ontario. After exhausting the list of relatives with cars and free time whom we might beseech to come and save us and drawing back nubs, there was but one solution: call Him.

Him is my ex, and I would have to say he is probably one of the world's greatest exes ever. Him is the ex that I have called at 2 o'clock in the morning to come pick me and my drunk friends up from the club and he has gotten up out of his bed to do it. Him is the ex who was at my house at 6:00am two weekends in a row to help me move. Him is the ex with whom I happily cohabited for two years after our breakup. Him plunges my toilet and fixes my computer for me. If I need something, I call Him and Him almost always comes through. Him is that ex who hangs out with me and my friends and laughs along as I tell stories of effed-up shit he did to me and then willingly admits that he was an asshole when we were together. And Him is the ex that graciously authorized a post celebrating our friendship, despite the fact that I have already used everything that has ever happened between us as fodder for this blog at least twice.

Now despite my tumultuous relationship history, there aren't a lot of dudes that even warrant the term ex. And most of the ones who do are dead to me are not in my life anymore. I don't really believe in being friends with my ex, but somehow this one slipped through the cracks and I'm glad we did because I really do think we are a shining example of the perfect ex-relationship.

If you are lucky to have an ex that you can actually stand to be in the same room with, who does not bring any drama or confusion into your life, with whom you can hang out and talk without him trying to get back into your pants,  thank him. Or her. Because a good ex is a great thing!

So what about you guys? Do you have a great ex or do you have the kind that you would murder if the courts were giving out bad breakup passes? Do you think the quality of the relationship predicts the quality of the ex? Share your stories in the comments.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Max in Real Life: Do I Spend Too Much Time Online?

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Here's what a typical day in the life of max looks like: I wake up, suck down a bottle of water, and head for my laptop. I check out what's going on in the world: Twitter, SingleBlackMale.org, and ThreeWaystoTakeit.com. I shower, deal with my hair, and come back and check the weather online. I get dressed and head for work; tweeting or foursquare'ing my whereabouts along the way.

I get to work around 7:45 am most days. When I get to my desk I hit twitter again, peek at Facebook, and check out the 200+ new posts in my Google Reader while I eat my breakfast; commenting on anything that catches my interest.  Once that's finished it's time for work to begin. I tell other people how to do their work,  while furiously gchatting and tweeting all day long. Then I come home, get on twitter, and fellowship with my e-girls and fight over e-boyfriends until it's time to go to bed. Next day I do it all again.

But in the last two days, three-dimensional circumstances have kept me from spending as much time online as I normally do. The pain of separation from my #1 gchat love yesterday was felt as badly as any other separation I've ever endured. Last weekend I spent more time "talking" to my twitterfriends than I did my real-life friends. And these days my sex life consists of pornographic dreams about Slim Jackson since he changed his profile pic male bloggers.

Is this too much, do you think?

On the one hand, I say no. I'm a lone wolf by nature, and all this e-interaction allows me to have the best of both worlds; solitude and connections with real people. Plus as a blogger it's my responsibility to interact with my readers and get to know them, isn't it? And furthermore, I work in emerging media; it's my job to be au courant with social media...right?

Then on the other hand I wonder if what I'm doing is really just hiding from the world. But no, that's way too maudlin and dramatic. So maybe what it is is that I'm taking the lazy approach to life. An approach that allows me to "experience" things without leaving my apartment or changing out of my pajamas. Is that really such a bad thing?

My bestie would say yes. But then again, she is also known to have spent many a weekend holed up in her bed ordering in her meals and watching Hoarders marathons. So I say let she who is not without anti-social tendencies cast the first stone.

As with all of life's toughest conundrums, I put it to you dear readers. Is there such a thing as spending too much time online or am I just being efficient? Is striking a balance between e-life and real life something you strive for, or something that you don't even think about? Hit me with your perspective in the comments.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

What I Won't Do for a Date

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

When I called my daddy to wish him a happy father's day, I ended up getting sucked into the vortex that is a phone call with my mother. My mum (the one exception to my phone rules because it is more painful to get in trouble for not talking to her than it is to actually talk to her) has an uncanny ability to either enrage, infantilize, or reduce me inside of five minutes when I get her on the phone. Virtually every topic we might discuss can be turned into a way to make me feel dry. Her latest topic: why I don't date more often.

I patiently explained that I rarely meet men and that when I do they usually don't ask me out. Ever helpful, she began suggesting 9,999 things I could do to increase the number of dates I go on. All of her suggestions were unacceptable for various reasons, but the following four really stood out as things that I just will not do for a date. Right now, anyway. But ask me again after I turn 35 in a couple of months.

So here we are: What I Won't Do for a Date

1. Online Dating

Whenever I think of being on E-Harmony, Lavalife or Plenty of Fish, my skin starts to crawl. It just reeks of thirst to me. Now I don't mean for that to be a diss against anyone who does participate in online dating, and lord knows enough people find love that way these days, but for me it just seems so sad. Plus I've been following a certain blogger's chronicles about her experiences on POF and they make me just want to stab myself in the eye. Maybe I could have done this when I was younger and felt more compelled to find "the one" but now? Nah sir! I'd sooner stay single for the rest of my life.

2. Broaden My Horizons

This is a big one. The fact that I get this advice from people other than my mum gives it a little more credence, but it's still highly unappealing. I like what I like. And even though I've had a very poor rate of return on getting involved with the men I like, the idea of going outside my normal extended social circle in the hopes of finding some previously undiscovered gem just does not interest me.

3. Ask to be fixed up

Three reasons why I would never do this:

i. After online dating, this seems like the thirstiest thing in the world to me. To me there's just something so distasteful about asking someone to help me find someone to bone love. I know that's just pride and pride goes before the fall and all that but yeah no.

ii. Asking to be set up disturbs the natural order of things. I don't like to orchestrate too much in my life, I prefer things to happen magically organically. Asking for a setup is the opposite of organic.

iii. I do not trust my friends to set me up. I'm sorry, but I just don't.


3. Date outside my race

You guys are well aware by now that I don't do this right? I tried it twice and it's not for me. At all. Yuck! No judgment at all of those who do, but it's just not for me.


4. Ask a man out

No matter how many times people try to convince me that this is okay, no matter how many times I'm momentarily convinced that they are right and I am wrong, I just can't do this. I just cannot. Actually no that's not true, it's not that I can't - I will not. I don't believe it's my job, it goes against everything that I believe in, and it's for homely girls and I believe with all my heart that it permanently tips the balance of power in the man's favour. We can't have that can we?

Now I know you guys are just dying to school me on how wrong I am for having these standards and how I will die alone if I don't compromise, so please do so in the comments. And if you have any things you will not do for a date, please share them so I don't feel so alone.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Tuesday - Dealbreakers

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am really not a planner. Outside of my wardrobe consultations with the bestie I never know what I'm doing from one moment to the next. In job interviews, the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' scares the crap out of me because I never know what to say.

Needless to say, I also don't have a list of what I'm looking for in a man. This may have something to do with the fact that I'm not currently looking for one, but I also think that being too narrow in your search can stop you from seeing something out of the box that might be really good. Much to my delight, one of my favourite blogging boys agrees with me. (here too)

But a recent conversation with one of my girls - who had 42 must-haves on her list - and reading this and this, got me thinking I ought to give a list a try. But since a list of what I want in a man would be way too long, I thought I'd try a list of what I absolutely do.not.want.

So without further ado, here are my dealbreakers:

1. Rudeness

This includes poor phone/email/text/bbm etiquette. And rudeness to others. Don't pull out my chair at the dinner table and then snap your fingers at the waitress to get her attention. It won't fly.

2. Deadbeat Dads

If you refuse to see your children because you have beef with their mother, you fail. If you refuse to find a way to get along with your child's mother so that you can see your kids, you fail. If you don't support your kids to the best of your ability, you fail. If you blatantly favour one child over another, you fail. If you hide the fact that you have kids, you fail.

3. Selfishness/Lack of consideration

No one wants a doormat, but I'm not rotating around your sun either. If you don't get that there are two of us here and both of our needs deserve consideration; I'm out.

4. Lack of Confidence

What can I say? It's just not hot.


5. Can't See Through my Slickness

I can be extremely slick when I want to and I need a man who will call me on it. If I can run rings around you I will and neither of us will like it.

5-b. Doesn't Want to Wear the Pants

It may surprise you to know that at heart I am a throwback - cater to you is my theme song - and I expect the man to be the boss. I need a man that is traditional enough in his thinking to get down with this concept. You can't be asking me all the time what I want to do, you're supposed to tell me what I'm gonna do.


6. Racial Consciousness

He doesn't have to be militant, but he has to have some kind of racial identity. I dated a man once who had had two serious relationships in his adult life; both with white women. He asked me if I had a problem with that and I didn't - whatever floats your boat buddy - but then he went on to say that he felt that a person's race had no relevance whatsoever, and that's where he lost me. He has to think about race.

6-b. I also can't get down with non-black guys.

Sorry.

7. He must get (or at least tolerate) maxlogic.

If he's going to constantly try to make me see sense, he's gonna get throat-punched.

So those are my dealbreakers. They're not unreasonable, are they? What are yours?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Good Looks for Girls

If you're a longtime or dedicated reader of mine you know that I am a throwback girl. I'm that handwash your dirty draws, Cater to You is my theme song,  wake up at 3:00am to cook for you, Stepford Wife kinda chick who also knows how to get freaky in the bedroom. Remember a few years back when that excerpt from a 1950's Home Ec textbook about how to keep your husband happy was circling the internets? I'm the only woman you know who read that and said, "f*cking right!".

As you can imagine, part and parcel of this way of life is being a total girly-girl; which I am potty mouth notwithstanding. I like to dress nicely and wear makeup and I don't like getting dirty. I don't play sports and I don't believe I was put on earth to plunge toilets or take out the garbage so I call my ex over when it needs to be done.

That being said, there are certain "man moves" that, when undertaken successfully by a woman, are hella sexy. So I advise all my female readers to master them posthaste to give you that extra leg up in the dating wars. These are your trump cards that you keep close to your vest...then when the time is right you whip them out and lay them on his ass and then quickly revert to your girly girl self, leaving him staring dumbfounded and with a gigantic hard-on.

Sidebar: This post was inspired by a Twitter conversation between my e-girls MsEsquire77 and Nick_L_Odeon...the list is a modified version of MsEsquire's. Thanks ladies! Ready? Okay!

Manly Moves that are a Good Look on a Girl


1. Play a good game of poker/dominoes/chess/All Fours etc.

There is a school of thought that women are not good at games that involve strategy because we lack a logical mind. Now many women disagree with that but they are wrong and will argue to the death with any man who gives voice to this theory. That is not the right way to prove your point ladies. The right way to show off your logical mind is to master a logical game like any of the above, innocently ask to join him the next time he's playing with the boys, and then kick all their asses.

Bonus: This is a brilliant strategy because it will let you know definitively what kind of man you are dealing with. A panty meat will be emasculated by your victory and will lash out at you in a childish and hurtful way to punish you for embarassing him. A good dude will be impressed. And turned on.

Max can you do this? I never really learned how to play poker or chess but I'm pretty good at dominoes and I will hang your Jack in All-Fours. Or I will Euchre you, for my non-Trini readers.

2. Shoot pool without looking like an idiot.

This could have been included with #1, but I kept it separate because it has one key difference - the physical aspect. See a lot of girls suggest pool as a date activity because they know they suck and they know the man will feel compelled to coach them. And that said coaching involves the man pressing up close behind her to show her how to hold the cue properly. Therefore, if you're going on a pool date, chances are the dude is expecting to be pressed up on your backside before the night is through. Imagine his surprise when he realizes that won't be necessary. And we all know the element of surprise is key in keeping a man's attention, right?

Bonus points: If you're actually good enough at pool to beat him.

Max can you do this? Sadly, no. Although we had a pool table in my house when I was growing up and I know how to play, my lack of hand-eye coordination makes getting the balls in the hole a big challenge.

4. Fix your car

Now I'm not suggesting that you jack your sh*t up and change your own transmission because really, what man knows how to do that these days? But if you are a woman (such as myself) who can select and replenish all the necessary fluids in her car, you're good. If you can replace your own wiper blades, you're better. And if you can change your own oil, you're golden.

Bonus points: Wear some Daisy Dukes while you're doing this a la Dukes of Hazard and see if you don't own your man for life after this.

Max can you do this? All my adult life I thought I was the dopest woman in the world because I know how to do an oil change, but then Ms. Nick_L_Odeon had to shame me by tweeting about changing her breaks and now I must concede my title to her. Bitch

5. Drive stick

I once asked a man what's so sexy about a woman driving a stick. He said "I don't know...I just look at her and I think drive that car girl!" Maybe not the best explanation ever, but every man I know is turned on by a woman who can drive standard and none has ever explained it better than that. I'm guessing it has something to do with watching you handle that shaft and imagining you handling his shaft...

Bonus points: None. But you really don't need them here.

Max can you do this? Effing right I can!

Ladies, what do you think? Can you do any of this stuff? Have you found that it impresses men when you do? And my men - are you turned on by a woman who can do these things?

Bi? Curious?

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

One of my very best friends in the world is a man to whom I'd been introduced about 15 times before he remembered who I was...and that was only because after the 15th "nice to meet you" I screamed "you've already met me 15 times!". My outburst would have resulted in him branding me as a psycho and shunning me for life had we not had the following exchange later that night:

Him: What do you think of that girl?
Max: She's kinda hot
Him: But would you eat her pu$$y? (my friends are effing pigs)
Max: Her pu$$y? Probably not.
Him: Would you eat any girl's pu$$y??
Max: Of course!
Him: OH MY GOD I F*CKING LOVE YOU!

And that was it. Friends forever.

Now if you read my blog with any kind of regularity, you know how much I love the pipe. I am a Deaconess in the church of the one-eyed snake, the high priestess of coitus. You know this. And ordinarily when I love something so I allow no distractions to take away from my devotion so it would stand to reason if I were completely sexually disinterested in women. And yet....I'm so not.

I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions, but every January 1 for the last three years I have vowed that this would be the year I would get it on with a girl. I haven't done it yet and to tell the truth I'm a little afraid of what will happen when I do.

Let me tell you a little story about myself. I have been a devoted tea drinker for my entire adult life. I love tea, it soothes my soul, I've never had a complaint about it. I went 15 years without drinking coffee and never wondered what life would be like on the other side of the coffee-tea continuum. Until three Fridays ago. On a break from work I went to Timothy's and happened to catch a whiff of coffee. Some vaps hit me and I decided to buy a cup. It was delicious. And with that one cup I went from being a tea drinker for life to a coffee junkie.

This worries me. Right now I'm a straight girl who takes frequent glances and pretty girls with nice asses. But if I break the seal, I don't know what will happen...will I realize that all this time I thought I was bi-curious I was really just bi?

The other day during a slow period at work I decided to take an online quiz to see where I was on the straight-gay spectrum. And because Fridays are over-sharing, here is my result:




According to the quiz, I am "[p]redominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally. You could be straighter. You're like a rubber eraser - you might look solid but you are a bit more flexible than average. You have a leaning towards members of the opposite sex but generally you love people across the board".

I don't know if this supports or negates my fear of the coochie, but it doesn't nothing to quell my fear that a day trip to girl-on-girl land might turn into permanent residency. So I think I might put a pin in it for now.

What do you guys think? Are you a little bicurious yourself? This is for the ladies of course. Men - I can't see you admitting to bicuriosity so why don't you just encourage me to get with a girl since I know that's what you're gonna do anyway.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Max in Real Life - I Hate the Phone!

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

If you judged me solely on the content of this blog, you would think that I live an interesting and sometimes dramatic life filled with bad boys and good sex. The reality however, is slightly less exciting. Yes I do have a little less than my fair share of good sex with inappropriate dudes, but in general my life is comprised of 7:00pm bedtimes, Cheerios eaten in bed, and book-buying sprees at my neighbourhood Goodwill. Without tarnishing your image of me as a wanton sex goddess too greatly, I thought I'd start a new Thursday series - Max in Real Life - where I talk about anything other than men, sex, and dating.

Today I want to talk about the phone. I love my phone, but I hate talking on the phone even more than I hate 5:45am workouts. I hate it more than girls who cry after sex, more than busy dudes, I even hate it more than panty meats. And you know how much I hate a panty meat.

Unfortunately, I have been blessed with a group of friends who - despite being otherwise superior human beings - effing love the phone. Their penchant for wiling away hours on the phone coupled with my puss-puss inability to extricate myself from said idle chit chat creates a big problem.

At first I sucked it up and stayed on the phone for as long as the conversations lasted. But then I would look at the time and see that 1, 2, 3 hours had gone by and heave a huge sigh. With a burning cheek and ear I would look over at my unread book, my unwritten blog post, my unfolded laundry, and bemoan the phone vortex that sucked away all my time and energy.

Then I implemented a unilateral no-phone-answering policy. Calls from known time-suckers were summarily ignored. If I had the idea that they might have been calling for a real reason, I would text or BBM asking what was up. This was met by all manner of rude and ignorant responses and that mission was quickly aborted as well.

I resumed accepting all phone calls on good faith that my friends would respect my feelings about the phone and not call me just so I could listen to them breathe as they watched tv, read emails, or talk to other people in the room. That went okay for a while but a recent 3-hour long call with a girlfriend (who then had the audacity to call me back twice more that night) showed me that the situation was becoming out of control. A few weeks later I was on the phone while doing my post-workout stretching and realized that this is a crisis…

Now before I continue, let me explain to my phone-loving readers why I hate talking on the phone so much. For one thing, it’s a time-sucker. I’ll get on the phone thinking it’s going to just be a quick chat and next thing I know the whole afternoon has passed and I’ve accomplished nothing.

Second, phone conversations don’t really lend themselves well to multi-tasking. I’ve tried eating while on the phone, masturbating while on the phone, reading while on the phone, and watching TV while on the phone and none of those activities are anywhere near as pleasurable as they are on their own.

Third, it feels like jail to me. I’m sorry, but it just does. When I’m on the phone for more than 10 minutes, I feel trapped, caged in, imprisoned. No matter whom I’m talking to, no matter what I’m talking about, at least 25% of my brain is wondering how the fuck I can get off this call without hurting anyone’s feelings.

I hate talking on the phone.

The other day I announced on Twitter that I was implementing a “no-phone calls after 7:00pm” policy. I think this is a fair compromise – if you have something to say to me you have the hours of 5:00am – 7:00pm in which to do so. My twitterfriends who don’t have my phone number applauded this rule, while my real-life friends called it rude and dumb. Rude and dumb it may be, but last night, each time my phone rang after 7:00pm and I pressed that beautiful button that silences the ringer, I smiled.

What about you guys? Does anyone feel me on this or am I getting a collective side-eye right now? Tell me how you feel about the phone.


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Guest Post - Getting In The Path of Destruction

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the comments of my post about busy dudes, my buddy Dr. J advised getting in the path of destruction when dealing with an overstimulated man. I wished for a guest post on the subject and like the fairy godblogger he is, he promptly delivered it. This is why I heart him and you should too.

With men being at a premium in the world today, most men aren’t making it easy for women to get at them. The men that most women want are busy, successful, and not trying to chase every skirt they can get their hands on. So how does a woman get a guy who seems too busy for romance?

Let me start by backing up for a moment and explaining something to the reader. A man who is busy spends his free time letting loose. A lot of people expect a man who is busy to spend his free time with his significant other. This negates the fact that he probably wants to have time to himself, hang out with friends, and get wasted when he’s not working. Women don’t seem to understand this. Short-sightedness.

Nonetheless a good man is hard to find, and more frustrating than trying to find a good man, is finding one you can’t have. Women always want to know where men are, I’d argue that they know exactly where men are they just can’t hook him. I’ve always thought of relationships like this, if you want some water, why not go to the well? If you want some milk, why not go to the cow? A lot of people are waiting for a Deer Park truck to show up at their doorstep and deliver them a man, but it would be so much easier if they’d just go get the man.

So women, start in the following places when looking for a man: the gym, local happy hour lounge, metro and Starbucks. Why? Because these are places that men hang out at. You may be worried about sweating your hair out, but just wash and set it once you get home and you’ll have a fresh hairdo and a man. A lot of women claim they don’t meet men in the club… but you’re single. Something’s not adding up. If you see a guy who catches your eye, why not find a way to get in his path of destruction? And if that place is a club, then I’d recommend you start frequenting that club a lot more than you currently do. If you notice that the guy you want goes to Cosi everyday for lunch at noon, why not be in Cosi everyday at noon?

I heard this story about a guy who found his wife by standing on a corner he had seen her walk past once for two months. He would plop himself down on the sidewalk every day at lunch for an hour and just wait for her to walk by. He didn’t know that she was only in that part of town to run an errand. But you know what? One day she had to run that errand again and he was able to meet her. They were married for over 50 years.

Some women are worried about seeming desperate or thirsty. One of the most frequent pieces of advice I ever give is that people should stop worrying what people think about their love life. At the end of the day, the opinions of people who you aren't sleeping with will keep you single and alone. If you want to have a man in your life and you’ve identified who you’d like to find that vacancy, get in his path of destruction. You might seem desperate but it’s only short term because soon you will look and be satisfied and all those who judged you will be still single. They will be the same ones sitting around at a happy hour spot with all women talking about how men ain’t skit.

#kanyeshrug on this post. I’m just trying to keep it real and give the best advice I can give. In other news, it seems that you are in great health, Dr. J thinks you’ve been doing a great job lately. In short, “You’re beautiful. If no one else told you that today, let me be the one.”

So ladies, what do you think of Dr. J's strategy? Do you hunt your prey in his natural habitat or wait for him to find you? Men do you rate this strategy?



And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.
 

Throwback Tuesday - The Comfort Zone

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd re-post all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

So ladies, you know how it is - you meet someone, you start dating, and you're working overtime to make sure your shit is on point. Everything is waxed, hair is always done, and every date requires a quorum to determine the perfect outfit. And it works, right? Things progress and deepen, you have the talk about exclusivity, and you begin to feel a little more secure. So you take the waxing lady off speed dial, choose your own outfits, and start wearing the glasses and saving the contacts for 'special' occasions. Nothing wrong with that. But then things progress a little further, you know you have him on lock, and suddenly you live at the corner of messy ponytail and lululemon pants. You show up for sleepovers wearing your head tie and your zit cream. And we all know you're not shaving or waxing a place.

Ladies, there's such a thing as too comfortable. And that is it.

I’m not saying that you need to look like a runway model every moment you're with your man. A wise man once told me "a woman can't be on her A game every time you see her". That’s true, but that does not mean you need to completely fall off your grooming habits.

Please remember - men are visual creatures - they are stimulated by what they see. So please give them something enticing to look at, or don't be upset when they look somewhere else. And remember what I told you - you gotta start as you mean to go on. So if you start out cute and get lazy, don't be surprised when he starts out smitten and ends up bored.

Now this does not mean that you have to do what I do dumb sh*t like waiting until he falls asleep to take off your makeup and tie your hair and then set the alarm really early so you can groom yourself and climb back in bed. That’s just silly. Head tying is a necessary part of hygiene and most men will appreciate the effort. But think of it as a trade off:

Head tie + flannel pajamas = not hot
Head tie + sexy pajamas = him probably not even noticing what is on your head.
Bonus points for head tie + no pajamas

Not wearing makeup if you're hanging at home = fine
Walking around with dots of toothpaste all over your face = fail

I think you get the picture. Am I off base here?

Oh and men - don't think you're off the hook here either. You know you get comfortable too. No one wants to see you walking around with strategically-placed holes in your boxers. And yes you have to put lotion on even if we are just hanging at your place (on your WHOLE body please - not just your arms and legs). We women may not be as driven by the visuals as you are, but we still want to see you looking good.

What say you all though? Ladies how comfortable do you get with your man? Men - how comfy is too comfy?


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Gentlemanly Thing to Do

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.


This morning on my walk in to work I was behind a couple with their dog. The man and the dog were standing on the sidewalk while the woman - in a skirt - was on the grass scooping the dog's poop. Then she tied the bag up, he took her hand, and they walked away. Two things struck me as odd about this:

1. He held her hand after she scooped up dogsh*t and I didn't see anyone pulling out the hand sanitizer

2. Isn't it very ungentlemanly to let your woman scoop up the dog poo while you just stand there?

This got me thinking about the state of chivalry today. I'll admit that I have a slightly skewed frame of reference since I live in the rude man capital of the world, but even my beloved men of SBM are slightly less than enamoured of the whole chivalry thing...as they've mentioned here. And here. And here.

Now since I'm late posting today and I love it when things get all intereactive on here, I'm going to throw out some things that I always believed were the gentlemanly thing to do and you guys can tell me whether you agree, if you do them, what happens if your man doesn't do them, etc.

Ready?

1. Pumping the gas...no matter whose car it is or who is driving

2. Paying for dates.

3. Standing when a lady approaches a table or leaves the table

4. Pulling out chairs and helping with coats

5. Offering your seat on the bus, subway, etc. to a lady

6. Calling the day after you bone for the first time.

7. When walking down the street with your lady, staying on the outside(closer to the road) so she is protected from traffic.

8. Providing cab fare after a thronx.

School me as you guys always do.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Three-way Sex Three Ways

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Lately I've had the strangest feeling been getting a lot of offline questions from readers about threesomes. I don't know if it's the warm weather or what, but it seems that suddenly a whole lot of dudes have started asking/pressurizing their girls into bringing a third into the bedroom. When I get these questions I always say "Watch the movie Trois. That's the worst thing that could happen. If you're still interested, get back to me."

Well I don't really say that. But I want to.

Anyway I realized that it's not something we've talked much about over here and it's about time I threw it out there. Here's my take on three ways you can have some three-way secksy time and whether you should be attempting it.

1. The classic threesome

I've done this. This is pretty much what everyone has in mind when they're thinking about three-way sex. And whether this is two men and a woman or two woman and a man, it's not a move for the faint of heart. Bringing a third body into the bedroom is more than likely going to bring out everyone's insecurities. But if you insist on poking at the dragon, here are my tips:

Ladies: Campaign strenuously for the mmf type of three-way. That's two dudes and you...and what could be better than that? Good luck getting your man to agree with it though. But I caution you - if you are in any way insecure; about your body, your relationship, your RRSP balance, your man's sexuality, skip this please.

Men: Watch how hard you work for this because if you push it too much, your girl is going to get suspicious. Wanting a little variety is one thing, trying to find a legal way to f*ck another girl is something else. Also my dear men, most women do not want to have threesomes with their sisters or best friends and bringing it up makes you look like a pig. So please stop that. Third - if you are lucky enough to get the authorization to bring in another girl, make sure she's not hotter than wifey. Trust me on this one.


2. Two f*cking, one watching

I've done this. This is what I call three-way 101 and it's what I recommend to the ladies who ask me if they should go for a threesome. If you can handle watching your partner f*ck someone else or being watched while you get it on without hating your life afterward you're probably ready to proceed to the big time. If you find yourself wishing that your spectator was an active participant, you're probably going to really enjoy your threesome.

3. Three-way phone sex

I've done this. The logistics of this kinda make my head spin but I threw it in here because I know it happens. This is probably a good one if you're a frequent traveller, frequent participant of phone sex, or you have many partners because it's multi-tasking in the extreme.

What's your stance on threesomes, my friends? Three's a crowd or thrice as nice? Give me your thoughts in the comments.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Ladylike Chronicles - Week V

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

It's time for another update on The Ladylike Chronicles but it's been a pretty quiet week in the quest for Fire so I don't have much to report. We've talked here and there but no sightings despite my best stalking efforts and no plans to see each other again. We seem to be taking the "tipping over a Coke machine" approach to getting things off the ground. Sigh.

Any advice for me?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Substitute Dude

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

To succeed as a single woman, a gal needs a lot of tools. These range from the esthetic - the perfect lip gloss (yes Skye you do need this),  f*ck-me shoes, and a f*ck-me dress - to psychological warfare such as The Rules.  But there is no greater tool in a woman's arsenal than the substitute man.

What? You don't know about the substitute man? Well you're in luck ladies because I'm about to school you. And men you should listen too so you can recognize the signs you might be on substitute status.

The substitute man has one purpose - to stop a girl from f*cking things up with her man of choice. He's used in the early stages; when you've just met someone and he's all you can think about. All you want to do is talk to him, internet stalk him and talk about him. Unfortunately, this precarious stage of your relationship requires you to be strategic in your dealings with him; we all know there are strict rules about when and how often you can contact a new dude...no matter how much you're dying to talk to him. This is the "new dude burn" and it stings like a motherf*cker.

What a lot of ladies do when they start to feel the burn is barrage their girlfriends with talk. They want to analyze every word of every exchange, examine the significance of his Facebook profile picture, and pick apart every nuance of every text message. But while this mental masturbation is highly engrossing to you, it's crashingly boring for your bestie. In the best of circumstances you're gonna get a week tops of obsessing before your bff cuts you off....and then what do you do?

You get a substitute dude.

A substitute dude is someone mild to moderately interesting that you can entertain yourself with to minimize the new dude burn. Not a friend, but not a real contender; the substitute dude's role is basically the potential new relationship that you sabotage by not being strategic. This is the guy that you can call every day just to say hi, languish with for hours on the phone, and accept invitations from with no notice without worrying that you're making yourself too available.

Finding a substitute dude is pretty straightforward; all you have to do is find a polite, decent-looking dude who displays even a modicum of interest in you. Don't worry if he doesn't approach you; you can make a move on him because it doesn't matter if you give up your power. That's the beauty of the substitute dude - you can relax, be yourself, and put your copy of Why Men Love Bitches away for a little while.

Once you have your substitute dude in place here's what you do: every time you get to feening for your new dude and reach for the phone to send him a "I had a dream about you" text; send it to substitute dude instead. It's Saturday night and you want to try out dinner at Noir - don't ask new dude, invite substitute dude. You're bored and feel like having a marathon phone call with a man? Call substitute dude.

A few key things to keep in mind though when selecting your substitute. First, don't pick someone too hot or too busy; he'll retreat from your advances and next thing you know you'll be sweating him instead of new dude. Second, make sure he's interested in you - this is a distraction, not a campaign. Third, don't mislead substitute dude. I mean obviously you don't let him know that you're using him he's on substitute status, but don't give him the idea that you're trying to wife him either. That's just mean.

The substitute dude is a brilliant strategy because it accomplishes three things in one. He gasses up your head, distracts you from new dude, and fills up your time so that you naturally become less available - and infinitely more desirable - to new dude. How brilliant is that?

And in case you're wondering if this strategy isn't just a trifle mean - shamelessly using the substitute dude to further your cause with the man you really want? The answer is yes. But for one thing, any dude to gets himself sucked into substitute status basically brought it on himself by being too receptive to the girl's advances.  I mean really - a girl who is that into you right out of the gate should always be a red flag for you because there's never a good reason for that. And also, don't think of the substitute dude as a human being who may be hurt by your actions, think of him as collateral damage in the battle of dating.

Insert evil laugh here.

Oh and men if you're wondering whether you're on substitute status there are two signs: 1. the girl you just met (who more than likely is wildly out of your league) is all up on your nuts with seemingly no agenda and no games.  2. the girl who was all up on your nuts for weeks suddenly disappears. When you finally get a hold of her she tells you she can't hang out because she has a boyfriend. Has this ever happened to you? And you wondered how the hell she found time to get a boyfriend when she was talking and hanging out with you so much? Well now you know.

So ladies tell me - do you use a substitute dude to get over the new dude burn? Does it work for you? Men - I'm pretty sure you don't need to do this, but please let me know if I'm wrong.


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

Throwback Tuesday - 10 Dumb Things Women Do

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The Complexities of Dealing with a Busy Dude

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the battlefield of dating, busy dudes are a single woman's land mine: invisible to the naked eye, unpredictable, and liable to blow up in your face. And therefore, probably better off avoided.

Sadly, in life - as in war - the only foolproof way to avoid injury is to skip the battle altogether; and that's no fun is it? The key instead is to have some kind of battle plan in place to minimize the damage. But I'll get into that in a minute.

Since the unofficial motto of this blog is "know thine enemy", let's take a moment to examine our adversary. The busy dude comes in three types:

1. The Busy Professional

This guy has a job that you're expected to be impressed by; entertainment, sports, politics, and media are filled with these assholes dudes. His work requires him to keep irregular hours, always be on the phone, become unavailable at the last minute, and be around a lot of women.

His MO: He bemoans his busy-ness as something he hates but can't avoid. You'll feel sorry for him and be extra-understanding.

2. The Busy Father

This guy has a regular schedule, but he also has kids to whom he is devoted. Which is charming and admirable. He usually has a contentious relationship with the "crazy" mother of his children.

His MO: He'll tell you right from jump that spending time with his children is his first priority; you won't mind because that's as it should be. The first time he plays the daddy card has to cancel plans because of his kids he'll be extra-apologetic. The 2nd-100th time, not so much.

3. The Temporarily Busy Dude

For the most part this dude has a normal job and a normal life, but every once and while something pops up in his schedule that causes him to vanish into thin air. Just as you're getting ready to move on with your life, he'll reappear and have all the time in the world for you.

His MO: You won't know you're dealing with this dude until he's gone. Everything will start out hunky dory and then he'll suddenly stop calling. Usually after you've slept with him the first time. This dude doesn't want to call you unless he has time to have a long conversation with you, so expect long silences broken up with bursts of him being all up in your crotches.

What all these dudes have in common is the one thing every girl's a sucker for: passion. Listen to busy professional talk about his latest project and you'll swoon at the thought of him being so devoted to you. Let busy dad show you pictures of his kids and you'll imagine the light that is shining in his eyes directed at you. And since temporarily busy dude's disappearances are usually caused because he was helping someone in need; you'll be charmed by his dedication to the ones he loves.

Now whether these dudes are legitimately busy or just pulling the ultimate #swindle, to deal with the busy man a gal needs a game plan. And since I just love telling you what to do, here is yours:

1. Set boundaries.

Real boundaries, ladies, not the kind you pretend to have when you're talking to your girls but forget all about when he's cheesing in your face. A certain amount of understanding is required when dealing with these types, but don't let him run all over you.

2. Know when you're beaten

A busy man is not for everyone. I rate these dudes because I like my space; but the average woman cannot deal gracefully with this type. If you're the type to make a scene every time your man's schedule gets in the way of your plans, you might want to skip the busy dude.

3. Remember this: he is not Barack Obama

There is only one man in the world is truly so busy that he cannot find time to contact you and that is Barack Obama. If you're not getting so much as a three-word text message at least once a week, throw that fish back honey. He's a dud.

That's my take on busy dudes...what's yours? Ladies how do you deal with this type? Men, tell us - is busy just a #swindle or do these guys have a legitimate issue?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

7 Dudes I Might Not Date

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

While I'm not one for making big long lists of must-have's and must-be's in my potential mates, there are certain attributes that are either gonna get a man disqualified right out of the gate, or earn him a gigantic O__o. I'm too tired to do much more of a preamble, so let's get to it.

7 Dudes that I might not date:
 
1. A dude who has the same first name as my ex.

Although this renders the gazillions of men in the world named Mike completely useless to me, I just can't with this name. It's too creepy. I also wouldn't want to date a dude with the same first name as my father. I would however, really like to date a man named Max. I think that would be a tonne of fun.

2. An undertaker

I'm sorry, I know it's honest work, but no. Just - no. It's icky! A garbage man, yes. An undertaker - nope. And you know who's another no? An insurance claims adjuster. I don't know how those people sleep at night. Oh and lobbyists - they must be annoying as shit.

3. Formerly gay dudes


While I could probably get past a man who had a gaycurious moment once or had to do what he had to do while he was locked up; I don't think I could deal with a "reformed homosexual". If that isn't side-eye worthy I don't know what is.


4. The dude who once hit a girlfriend

Sorry Chris Brown. I'm not a fan of bad tempers, so I'm gonna have to take a pause for the cause before I bed down with this dude. Not necessarily because I think that once a hitter always a hitter, but more because dudes who hit probably also yell and you all know how I feel about yelling.

5. He who sleeps with prostitutes

I have no real issue with prositution, but I just don't rate a dude that has to sleep with a hooker. There's nothing a man can get from a professional that he can't get from an amateur if his game is right.


6. Heroic Dudes

While I recognize the carnal appeal of a police officer or a firefighter; I don't think I can date a dude with a job like that. Staying up nights gnashing my teeth wondering if he's shot up in an alley or burned to a crisp somewhere is really gonna eff up my beauty sleep.


7. A dude who has been in jail

This one kinda depends on what he was in jail for...but not really. I think I can overlook most offenses if the dude is hot enough depending on the circumstances. But it's one of those things that make people think you have bad judgment if you don't put it on your list and that's why it's on here.

So that's my list...what about you guys? What kind of guys/gals will make you take a pause before you jump in?

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

The Ladylike Chronicles - Week IV

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

Well it's Thursday and that means it's time for an update on my social experiment (get caught up here if you're lost). When we last spoke, I hadn't heard from Codename: Fire and was considering my experiment a bust. But he has resurfaced so the mission continues.

Sidebar: for those of you who are wondering where he disappeared to, why he took so long to reappear, and what excuse he gave for said disappearance, fret not. It will all be used as fodder for the blog soon enough.

So long story short we made plans to have lunch. This meant I was in trouble right out of the gate - I have extremely weird eating habits and weird is the opposite of ladylike. So I had to give him my "we can have lunch as long as you don't mind that I might not eat anything" speech. Which turned into my "explanation of why I don't eat like a normal person" speech. Which involves the word "bowels". So that's ladylike fail #1 right there.

Ladylike fail #2: We had a conversation about the concept of having a wifey and many side bitches. I was already failing by letting it be known that I a) have any knowledge on the topic and b) condone it. But to dig my grave even further there was the following outburst: "the problem is that dudes always try to wife the side bitches. You don't wife a side bitch, you fuck a side bitch".
EPIC FAIL.
But then I put my hand to my mouth, opened my eyes all wide and said "Oops. I'm sorry. That wasn't very ladylike, was it?". That seemed to undo the bulk of the damage.

Ladylike fail #3: There was a conversation about pubic hair in which I made it clear that since I'm not an 11 year-old girl, I do not want my downthere to look like one. Talking about pubes at the table is not very ladylike, is it?

Ladylike almost-fail:  He went across the street to the bank machine before the bill came. I didn't know if it was a #swindle or a test or what but I was ready to just ask the waitress for the bill and pay it myself.  If I wasn't doing this experiment that's exactly what I would have done. But sensing that sneak-paying the bill was no a very ladylike thing to do, I called the bestie for the go-ahead and she shut me down immediately. Crisis averted!

At first I was really conscious of the whole ladylike thing and being hyper-vigilant about everything I said but pretty soon I kinda relaxed. I realized that the easiest way to stay ladylike was to listen more than I spoke; a completely foreign concept for me but it worked. Another funny thing was that I realized that my concept of being ladylike is quickly morphing into some kind of bastardized version of The Rules. And that's not a completely bad thing. But it is another post for another day.

Overall though I'd say I did a pretty good job and we had a really good time. I definitely noticed a difference in the way the afternoon went in comparison to other dates I've been one when I've been all raw-dog right from the beginning.

So what do you guys think? Could this experiment be working? Or is it still too soon to tell? Got any tips for me for keeping my dutty mouth in check? Coach me in the comments.

And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

First Time Fail

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

So when we last talked about first time sex, we stopped before it started. You'd met him. You'd charmed him.  Tweeted, texted, and talked. You went on the requisite number of dates. And then the big day came. He came over and ya'll boned.  And it was weak sauce. What now?

A reader recently asked me to give some tips on how to recover from the first-time flop. It was a difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around because I'm a total sex is like pizza girl. So as usual I took it to the internets in the form of a poll. I asked "Can you recover from bad first-time sex? How?" What I got was a whole bunch of "nope"s.

Apparently for everyone I know, a bad first-time slam is a dealbreaker. As one of my twitterpeeps put it, it's like a job interview....if you don't do well you're obviously not suitable for the position. That's it. No second chances, no do-overs. One shot and you're out.

Now I love pipe more than as much as the next girl, but to me this is just crazy talk. You're gonna throw out a perfectly decent man for one bad thronx? Well then give him my number! That's not very smart. So if you're like me and you want to try to overcome a first-time flopshow, here are my 3 tips.

1. Get back on the horse...like, immediately.

This tip comes courtesy of my girl Skye of MetAnotherFrog.com. Rather than each player sitting around stewing over the loss, have a re-match as soon as possible. You'll both have something to prove, some of the first-time awkwardness may have diminished, and you never know what might come.

2. Read the signs

Now this is something you should always be doing; but when you're in recovery mode it might be extra helpful. Watch and listen closely to what your partner says and does; how they respond various stimuli. For example, if a man spanks me playfully outside of the bedroom and he's watching closely, he'll see a look of delight light up my eyes quickly before I laugh and push him away. That's a sign that it would probably be okay in the bedroom. Or tell him stories about things you've "heard" and guage his reaction. Like "oh I was just reading about this really interesting thing called the Cincinatti Bowtie. It's when you...." if he contorts his face in horror then you know to tread lightly when it comes to that kind of stuff. If he starts extolling the virtues of this technique, you know to run for the hills something about him too.


3. If all else fails, talk about it

This scenario presupposes that you and your partner have taken some time before you hopped in the sack, so by now you've probably built up some kind of rapport. You know each other at least a little bit and you should be able to sit down and have a grownup conversation about sex. I have no tips for you as to what to say or when to say it, but this seems like it would work.

What do you guys think? Do you throw back a partner if the first time is a flop? Or are you willing to work at finding a solution? Do you have any tips for overcoming the first time #fail? Educate us all in the comments.

Your 101 Guide to Head

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

If there is one truth to life as a single woman, it is this: into every girl's mouth a penis must eventually be placed. Whether you're a special-occasion kinda gal who fails at life only brings out the blow jobs on birthdays and anniversaries or a human vacuum who is never happier than when she has something to suck on, you can't really get through singledom without giving a little head.

But it can be a pretty daunting thing sometimes, can't it? Putting aside the issue of hygiene and possibly having to ingest something that tastes like warm salty laundry detergent, figuring out how to give your guy a good head job can be confusing as sh*t if you don't know what you're doing. Or if you didn't have me to tell you. Luckily you do so here it is: a 101 Guide to Giving Head

1. Be enthusiastic...or at least seem like it

There is no point to being down there if you're gonna be mad about it. If you can't summon the enthusiasm on your own, just conjure up your favourite porn star and throw out a few well-timed moans. This makes your man feel like his penis is the best thing to hit your mouth since your last piece of chocolate, and a man who is getting head is dumb enough to believe that might be true. If that isn't enough to get you turned on, you might try thinking about it in terms of power; you are never more in control of your man than when you have his brain in your mouth. Whatever spin you have to take, be happy you're down there or don't bother going.

2. No teeth...unless they ask for it

99.9% of men are going to tell you they don't want to feel your teeth on their piece. Even if you're not biting it, the first little graze they feel is going to make him freak out and go soft and then you'll have to work overtime to restore the bone. So do him a favour and save yourself the extra work by keeping your teeth well away from his peen.

3.Don't ignore the balls...if for no other reason than to give yourself a break

Here's the thing about balls: men really like it when you put them in your mouth. Sound disgusting? Well, it kinda is but here's the other great thing about balls: they're a lot easier to suck on than a penis. So when your jaw starts to get tired, a quick trip down to the sack region makes it all okay.

4. Don't rule out swallowing

I know, I know it's nasty. But they really, really like it. So do your best. Unless it will make you vomit, in which case you can skip it and just let him shoot his wad on your face instead.

5. Make it look good

Realistically, has any man ever complained about getting head because she didn't make it look good? Probably not, so this is for my advance ladies or those of you who are gunning for an engagement ring have some kind of compelling reason to make a really good impression. If you want to go that extra mile, consider the esthetics of the thing. Watch some porn and see how good those ladies look while they're giving head, and then try to emulate that in real life.

6. Establish a rhythm

You know when you're in bed with a dude and he's doing something that is winning? And you say "keep doing exactly that" or "don't stop", which causes him to immediately stop, change pace, or otherwise eff up the wave you were riding? It sucks right? Yeah same thing applies here. Don't jump wildly from one technique to the next with no rhyme or reason. It confuses them and just makes your job longer.

7. A whole lotta spit

The penis is a delicate thing and if you're gonna be rubbing and tugging on it you want to make sure it feels nice. Dry dicks don't feel nice. So make sure you lube that sucker up good. I'm not suggesting you hawk one on him like they do in the pornos (unless you're into that) but make sure the area is well-lubricated.

Ladies did I miss anything? Men what do you think of my tips? And let me send a special shout out to my all-time favourite reader who provided invaluable insight into this post.