Oh You Have Kids??

I was reading this on my very favourite blog the other day and got to thinking about men and kids. If you're a single woman in your 30's you're probably going to encounter this a time or two on your quest for Mr. Right. I know I have, anyway.

I know a few women who absolutely will not date a man with kids. And I know a lot more who are slightly turned off by it, but will still date him. Personally I don't have a problem with it, but I will admit that there have been a few times when I've had issues with the way a man I've been involved with has handled the um, situation. Let's review:

My longtime readers might remember this post where I talked about going on a date with a man who had an unidentified child in the car with him when he picked me up. In the front seat, no less. He didn't acknowledge that the child - who I can only assume was his son - was there, nor did he mention it to me after he had dropped the child off.  I thought that was kind of strange and it turned me off him even before the ensuing hallway incident.

There was another incident when I was dating a dude with a daughter named Unique (I dated two different men with daughters named Unique, isn't that ironic?). Once we were dropping her off at her mother's house on our way somewhere (Sidebar: the mother had the same first name as me, isn't that weird?) and in the car the daughter kept saying "Daddy, why is SHE in the car? Why can't I sit in the front". Which I thought was just rude. If I had done that as a child, I would have got a slap for talking like that about one of my parents' friends.

Then I dated another man who told me in our first conversation that he had a daughter. Great - I like when they tell me up front. He spoke proudly of her and was clearly a very attentive and doting father. Amazing. But much later I found out that when we met actually had two daughters. And another on the way (with an ex) who was born about six months into our two-year dalliance, but he never mentioned the other two daughters. I never understood why that one daughter was important enough to be acknowledged but the other two had to remain secrets. I thought it was mean and it was a big turn-off.

There was another one who I dated for a few months and he never told that he had kids. I only found out because we bumped into a mutual friend who asked about them and he had no choice but to come clean. Now I get that not every parent feels comfortable talking about their kids right from the get-go, but I'm not a fan of it. I think keeping your children a secret is kinda weird...

I almost never ask a man if he has children. And if he mentions it to me, I probably won't ask him much about it. Not because I'm not interested, but because I think it's up to him to decide what he wants to tell me. I have seen way too many women feign interest in a man's children in order to ingratiate themselves and I think it's kinda gross. And while I understand that the children are an essential part of the man, I just don't think it's my business while things are new. But then again, I have a natural reticence for asking questions, so it might be just another manifestation of that.

I never really understood what the big deal is about dating a man with children. Maybe it's because I come from a blended family myself and daydreamed about being a stepmother when I grew up (I was a strange child), but I've never had a problem with it. Having children is a beautiful thing so why I would fault someone for having done it is a complete mystery to me. I will get turned off immediately by a deadbeat dad, but a caring, conscientious, and invested father? swoon, swoon, swoon.

who shot john?

I spent my first two years in Toronto involved in a ridiculous relationship with a complete asshole. I’m sorry for speaking ill of the dead to me, but really those who know me know that this guy was just…no good. When I go back now and read my diaries from that time I’m shocked by how heinously this guy treated me and the worst part about it is that I can’t even ask myself why I let it happen because I already know the reason. I let all that shit happen because I understood this dude.  I knew how he was raised, how the world had treated him, what he had been through, and how all of that contributed to him becoming the selfish asshole he was at that time (and likely still is).

Because I understood so much about this man, I could understand why he did the shit he did. Not to over-simplify, but it was almost as though he couldn’t help it – no, it was more like he truly did not know better. And because at that time I was not the mouthy bitch you now know and love, I never really tried to explain to him what was wrong with what he did, I just understood and took it and took it until I could take it no more.

As a chronic over-thinker, I spend a lot of time examining the motivation behind the actions of the people around me. And as a classic Libra, I find myself a little too capable of seeing both sides. This is a great quality in a humanitarian or a diplomat, but for a serial dater it can be a bit of a problem. Why, you ask? Because it’s difficult to drum up the appropriate level of righteous indignation when someone does you wrong if you can understand exactly why they did it. This is a quality I used to really enjoy, but as I get older (and more bitter?) I find it mildly maddening.  In my twenties I had patience and sympathy for people, in my thirties I say, eff a who shot john.

The who shot john is the back-story…the rhetoric and bullshit that explain why your new guy isn’t calling, your bff isn’t being supportive, your boyfriend won’t go down. I could have called this post “do feelings trump behaviour” because that’s really the crux of this issue…if your wo/man does something wrong to you, but you know they care for you and you understand why s/he did it, does that make it okay?

In the past, the who shot john could excuse a multitude of sins for me, but now I’m starting to wonder if it matters at all. Yes, I can certainly understand a man who is too busy and too stressed to pick up the phone and call me, or a man who is too gun-shy to claim me as his girl. I can understand a recently-heartbroken friend who finds it difficult to be enthusiastic about my new dude and I can understand a boyfriend who has been socialized to think that oral sex is nasty. But where does all that understanding really get me?

At this point, I think I’m tired of understanding people. I’m tired of giving them leeway because of my insight into their neuroses. At the end of the day, people either choose to let their hang-ups get the better of them or they don’t.  So behaviour is really what’s important to me. If john is lying bleeding on the floor in front of me, does it really matter who shot him?

The 10 Commandments

My absolute favourite part of Secrets of a Black Boy was what they called "How to Get a Man in 10 Easy Steps".  As soon as they said that I was scrambling for my blackberry to get them down so I could share them with you. It's not actually a step-by-step plan to get a man, but more like some commandments to help you keep one. And of course, my two cents on each of them.
Ready? Here you go:

1. Never give it up in the first month
I agree with the sentiment behind this, but not the arbitrary timeline. I do think that the unevolved man will think less of a woman if she gives it up too early, but at the same time I don't think waiting is a guarantee of anything.

2. Never go to bed in a head tie
You already know what I think about this one. I won't say don't go to bed in a head tie, but it is important to preserve your sexy. Head tie + flannel cow-printed pajamas is not what's hot in the sheets.

3. Stop your partying ways
This one I don't really get. Apparently there is something wrong with a girl who is in the clubs too much, but I'm not really clear on what that is. If there is a man out there who would care to illuminate me, I'd be ever so grateful.

4. Get some girlfriends and lose the guy friends
Okay I partially get this one - a woman who has no female friends is kind of a warning sign...I guess. But on the other hand, it can be hard to make friends as an adult female. Especially for an attractive woman because women can be catty as hell. I don't see why she has to lose her guy friends though.

5. Don't mention kids or marriage in the first year
I'm torn on this one...I guess I think it's good advice for a woman who isn't looking to get married or have kids right away, but if that's your #1 goal then I think there's something to be said for being upfront about it. I knew a woman once who told a man on their first date "I'm looking to settle down and I'm not interested in wasting my time. So if that's not what you're looking for tell me now so I can move on with my life".  That was a pretty risky move but it worked out for them - they're married now and have a baby on the way. If she hadn't mentioned it, and that wasn't what he was looking for, wouldn't she have basically wasted a year of her life?

6. Men need sex like water and air. You need to give it up and give it up properly.
Co-sign. No need to really say any more than that.

7. Culture yourself.
This one I think was about women needing to expand their horizons...I think there was a line like "don't look at the plate of sushi and ask where's the ackee and saltfish". This is a sticky one for me because I am very particular about what I like and don't like, what I will and will not eat, etc. etc. and it takes a lot to make me deviate from it. But I won't stop anyone from doing what they want to do so if I'm dating someone and he wants sushi I will gladly go, but I'm not eating it. Sorry.

8. Don't be telling your friends our business.
Ha! Oh men, you make no sense. You don't want us to talk you to death, you don't want to hear nagging, you don't think it's necessary to discuss every little thing, but yet you don't want us to tell anyone else either. I get that certain things should be sacred and should stay within the confines of your relationship, but at the same time it can be helpful for a girl to talk things out with her girls. That way they can be the ones to tell her she's irrational and you don't have to be the a$$hole who says it.

9. Manage your cash wisely. And you better have good credit.
I agree with this one if you have marriage on the mind. Otherwise, I don't see how my credit is your business. Is that wrong?

10. Don't get comfortable. Shave it up so I can get it up.
I'll give you this one too. I see way too many women who just seem to completely stop grooming themselves once they lock down their man. Not a good idea, ladies.

What do you guys think of this list?

Panty Meat Moves

A while back I laid into you ladies about the dumb things you do in relationships. I don’t have a similar list yet for men, but I have something better and that is the top 10 panty meat moves men make.
If you know me (or my bff) in real life, you should know by now what a panty meat is, but if not, in the immortal words of Naughty by Nature, “It's sorta like a, well, another way to call a cat a kitten”
Get it now? Good. Let’s get to it.

1. Hissing, whistling, blowing kisses, and other non-verbal ways of getting attention
Boys I don’t know why you do this, but this is not what’s hot in the streets.  As far as I can tell, there are only two reasons why a man would choose this method to meet a woman. Either he doesn’t have the confidence to just walk up and start talking to her – which would make him a panty meat – or he actually wants the kind of woman who would respond favourably to this approach. Which also makes him a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 4/5

2. The switcheroo
The switcheroo is the panty meat’s revenge on women and it goes something like this. Panty Meat sees a woman he wants to smash. Woman is either not studying him or is out of his league. Or both. Panty Meat starts pulling out his best moves in order to win her over.  If he’s smart and uses the time-honoured tradition of shameless and reckless pursuit + unceasing flattery, Woman will soon fall for the Panty Meat man. At which point the Panty Meat man will become distant and difficult, thus forcing Woman to shamelessly and recklessly pursue him. Panty Meat now feels like a big man.
Why is this a panty meat move? Because only a panty uses cheap mind games to get a woman to like him.
Panty Meat Score: 3/5

3. Drifting Off
Good lord, I hate a drift off! It goes a little something like this. You’re talking to your Panty Meat man – usually through some type of non-verbal communication like BBM or gchat. The conversation starts out nice and lighthearted and both parties are engaged and responding in a timely manner. Then – suddenly or gradually – the conversation turns to something serious and lo and behold panty meat has just…drifted off. He either stops answering altogether or becomes evasive and terse. Why? Because he doesn’t want to talk about whatever it is you’re now discussing and he doesn’t have the balls to tell you so. And what do we call a man who lacks balls? A Panty Meat.
Panty Meat Score: 6/5

4. Stupid lies
If Panty Meat is ever lucky enough to get a woman  – or even get within striking distance of a woman – he will invariably make this move. He will tell her some stupid, ridiculous, completely unnecessary lie, just because he is a MEAT and he doesn’t know any better. Now I’m not suggesting at all that lying has no place in a relationship…if you got head from a stripper at your boy’s stag last night, yes please do lie and tell your girl the party was boring. But if you went to the movies with your female bff last night, why do you lie and say you went with your brother? And why do you not brief your brother so he is ready with the cover story? You’re gonna get caught for lying about something completely harmless and expose yourself as the panty meat you truly are.
Panty Meat Score: 4/5

5. Making us do your dirty work
If a Panty Meat is lucky enough to get a girlfriend, and he gets tired of said girlfriend and wants to break up with her, you know what he does? He starts acting like an a$$hole. Why? So that she will break up with him. Why does he do that? Because he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself. And what do we call a man who lacks balls? Say it with me – a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 5/5

6. Bad massages and other laziness
Ah the bad massage. Consider this scenario: Panty Meat’s woman had a long hard day and her back is killing her.  She asks Panty Meat nicely to please rub it for her. Panty Meat looks to the future and sees a lifetime of massage-giving if he does it and she likes it. But an outright refusal will result in yelling and the game is coming on in 20 minutes. So what does Panty Meat do? He agrees to massage her but does such a terrible job of it that she begs him to stop and never asks him again. Why is this a panty meat move? Because if you refuse to pull your weight in a relationship, you’re a panty.
Panty Meat Score: 2/5

7. The flop
The flop is a panty meat’s signature move and it goes like this: Unsuspecting Woman and Panty Meat make plans (usually because Panty Meat suggested it). Unsuspecting Woman schedules it in and refuses all conflicting offers because she already has plans with the Panty Meat. Unsuspecting Woman starts getting ready or starts making her way to the spot when suddenly she gets a text message (it’s always a text message): “I can’t make it”.
Why is this a panty meat move? A couple of reasons:  first, it’s just bad manners.  Cancelling at the 11th hour should be reserved for emergencies only. Second – it’s a panty move because he used the chickensh*t method of texting rather than the grown-up method of picking up the phone. Third, because there’s no apology or explanation. Fourth, no notice.  Fifth – you’re a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 7/5

8. Brazening it out
After an offense such as the Drift Off or the Flop, Panty Meat knows he’s in a bit of a pickle. Somehow, some way he will encounter his victim again and how will he explain himself? (Panty Meats lack imagination). How will he return to her good graces? (Panty Meats don’t like to be hated). Rather than taking the normal, adult route of acknowledgement and apology, Panty Meat will try to pretend nothing has happened. So the next time he sees her , speaks to her, or texts her, he will open with “Hey Stranger, how’s it going? What? I get no love?” Or some such avoidance tactic. At which point the woman will either play along and act like nothing happened (women can be panty meats too) or she will call him on his panty meat behaviour – likely causing the Panty Meat to drift off.
Panty Meat Score: 6/5

9. Watching
I think the watcher may be the biggest Panty Meat of all, because he doesn’t even try to get in the game. What the watcher does is lurk in the background, taking in the scene, and filing information away for future reference. Ever been out at a party and had the feeling that someone’s eyes were burning into the back of your head? It was the watcher. If you’re lucky enough to befriend a watcher, you’ll catch jokes for days because he has the goods on everyone and he loves to chat so he’ll tell all. You’ll walk away thinking that the watcher is a pretty cool guy and the rest of your friends kinda suck. Which is all part of the watcher’s plan.
Panty Meat Score:  3/5

10. Cock-blocking
The cock-blocker is the Watcher with half a testicle, and he is a true Panty Meat. He doesn’t want to get with anyone until someone else steps to her first. Then he swoops in to mess things up. He’ll tell a story he’s supposed to take to his grave and if he doesn’t have one of those he’ll just make up a lie to kill whatever spark of interest there may have been. A true Panty Meat probably isn’t even feeling the girl, he just can’t stand to see anyone else get her. 
Men, if you’re a cock-blocker you’re a panty meat and you will die alone. I’m just saying.
Panty Meat Score: 5/5

I'm a backpack, he's an upscale

*this is a repost from my new urban singles column on examiner.com. please go over there and subscribe. and yes, you do have to subscribe to both*

If you’re urban and single in Toronto and you like to hit the clubs, the parties you frequent probably fall into one of five categories:

There’s the “hardcore” parties which are largely dominated by the under-30 set. They usually happen in clubs like KoolHaus or the Docks, there’s no dress code, and the music is of the Gucci Mane/Rick Ross variety.
Next we have the “backpack” parties. These parties are almost never downtown and while there’s no dress code, if you’re not wearing a plaid shirt, horn rims, or Converse you’re gonna stick out like a sore thumb. The bill usually features a DJ or artist you won’t have heard of if you’re not a backpacker and the music is more Wale than Lil Wayne.
“Music Lover” parties are for the music snobs. A staunchly 30-plus crowd and a style code so you can be comfortable but still look like you have some “broughtupsy”. These parties are downtown but in smaller clubs so you can rub shoulders more intimately with music aficionados such as yourself. The music runs the gamut from Otis Redding to Phil Collins to J. Holiday and almost every song emits a wall bang from at least 50 people.
“Upscale” parties are for the fabulous, darling. There’s a strict dress code and they happen in clubs that aren’t clubs – they’re lounges, or theatres. The crowd is 30 and up with a few celebrities thrown in for good measure. The music doesn’t matter much but expect to hear at least 5 Drake songs per night.
Lastly we have the “bashie” parties. These parties are usually in Scarborough. They happen in restaurants or social clubs and the dress code goes like this: dress to sweat. If you’re not wearing sneakers and you didn’t walk with your rag you’re gonna be sorry. The music is either all soca or all reggae. All night.

Now if you’re hitting the party circuit on at least a semi-regular basis, pretty soon you’re gonna start recognizing people. You’ll catch someone’s eye as the DJ wheels back a dope song and next thing you know your two circles have merged and you’re in one big happy dancing family. You hit Wah Too’s after the club for Chinese breakfast and quicker than you can say $15 cover charge you’ve got a new crop of prospective mates. Sounds great right? But do that four or five times and you’ve come to the point where you’ve met and dated everyone that may possibly be a contender and have nothing more to show for it than a guaranteed awkward moment (or two) next time you’re out.

So the obvious solution is to expand your horizons. Get out of your social circle and stop looking for love in the clubs - everyone knows that doesn’t work anyway right? So say you do that – you hit the bookstore, go to a poetry reading or a sports bar and come across a man or woman who has potential. “Where has s/he been all my life?” you wonder to yourself. Thing is, while you were over at your Music Lover party, she was on College street dancing it up with her Backpack crew. Or while you were jumping and wining in Scarborough, she was at Lobby popping Moet.

But that’s not a big deal, right? It’s just a matter of taste in parties – it has no impact on your relationship. Or does it? On some level, isn’t our taste in parties a metaphor for our attitude toward life? Think about it – if you love dressing up for parties and hobnobbing with celebrities or if you refuse to go to a club that makes you remove your cap at the door; if you’ll pay $300 for bottle service so that you don’t have to mingle with the crowd or you refuse to pay more than $5 cover, doesn’t that on some level relate to the way you approach life? And if you are dating someone who taste in parties is diametrically opposed to yours, aren’t you – at least in some small way – dating someone whose values are diametrically opposed to yours?

Maybe you are. But it’s not an insurmountable thing. The beautiful thing about human beings is that we are flexible. And that we can make compromises. I can hit a Music Lovers party in my jeans and wife-beater while he goes to his Upscale party in his three-piece suit. We’ll just meet up at Wah Too’s afterward. That’s our middle ground.

the boy has to ask the girl to dance

If I kept a tally of all the advice I get from my girls, the #1 most-advised thing to do would have to be this: “Just ask him ____”.  As in, just ask him out. Or just ask him for his number. Or just ask him how he feels.  To which my reply is invariably a big hysterical “I can’t do THAT!”

See for all my big talk, I’m really a just chickensh*t at heart. Especially when it comes to men. Although I’m not at all afraid to speak my mind and be who I am, there is one version of myself that I’m not really comfortable being and that is the move-maker. The one who asks for a number, makes the first call, asks out on a date, or initiates sex. The thought of doing those things makes me nervous as hell and, truth be told, I don’t really think I should have to.

Now I should interject here to point out that what I’m referring to in this post is the first move, not every move. Yes I will pick up the phone and call a man with whom I am in a relationship; and please believe I will jump on him the minute he walks through the door if I’m so inclined. But when things are new, I don’t make moves, I receive them.

Why, you ask? Well two reasons. One is that I think making moves is for homely girls. And I don’t mean that to be as ignorant as it sounds; all I really mean is, s/he who is on the lower rung of the ladder has to do more work.  The other reason is simply that I truly believe, with all my heart, that making moves is the man’s job.

Now I know that that’s supposedly unfair. And that it’s not any easier for men to make moves than it is for women.  And believe me I’m well aware that women can be harsh in their rejections…especially here in the dot. But still, it’s just such a manly thing to do, isn’t it?  Isn’t it just the sexiest thing in the world when a man confidently steps to you and unabashedly expresses his interest? Why on earth would I want to deprive myself of the singular joy of that experience?

I just can’t get over the idea that making moves is kind of a thirsty thing for a woman to do. And in my experience, when a woman does it, the delicate balance of power between man and woman is instantly (and sometimes irrevocably) altered. Just as some stupid men make the argument that a woman who is too independent robs him of his manhood, I think that a woman who does the majority of the initiating robs the man of the chase. And we all know how important the chase is for the man. For a woman, making the first move establishes the precedent that you will do the majority of the work to keep the relationship progressing, and who the hell wants to be saddled with that responsibility?

Somewhere someone is reading this and saying “But what if he’s shy? What if he’s intimidated by you? What if he’s not sure you’re interested?”. Yeah, that doesn’t move me at all. Shyness is a huge turnoff for me. I think it’s very un-manly. And any experience I’ve ever had with a man who was shy ultimately ended up being very unpleasant. So I think of shyness as nature’s weeding-out process. If I refuse to make a move on a man who is interested in me but is too shy to say so, he’s probably not the one for me anyway and I’ve saved both of us a lot of time by just allowing him to keep it moving.

Textual Relations

So I have my eye on someone. I’m not gonna get into a tonne of detail on here in case he reads it because my entire life need not be fodder for this blog, but this dude's entire existence has raised an interesting question that I must explore with you all.

Here’s how this has gone down: met the dude and chatted ever so briefly with him. He gave me his number and I texted him a few days later. Since then we have had a few highly entertaining text conversations but haven't spoken yet.

This is cool with me, but at Thanksgiving dinner with my girls the other night, quite a few of them were up in arms about it all. "Why don't you just CALL him??", "You guys need to TALK on the phone!", "You're gonna get to a place where all you do is text!!".

My response to all this earnestness was a big ole blank stare. Because I really didn't get what all the fuss was about and I didn't really see any necessity at this point for us to actually speak.

See the thing is, I hate the phone. I really do. Long telephone conversations are like jail to me. And while I make occasional exceptions for my mum, sister, and a few close friends, in general I don't answer the phone because I hate it. 99% of all max-initiated communication are via text or bbm. That’s my happy place. So for me to break down and actually speak to someone on the phone means something. At this point, a semi-random dude I’ve had a couple of text conversations with just doesn’t rank.

I know what you’re going to say now – how are we gonna get to know each other if we don’t actually talk? And you’re right. A friend of mine asked me how old dude is and what he does for a living (that’s a girl’s favourite question isn’t it? I don’t get that either but that’s another post for another day) and I didn’t know the answers because the conversations haven’t gone that way. So yeah, I think it’s probably true that I would know more about this dude at this point if we had actually spoken, but this way is fun for now. What’s the big rush?

I’m a sucker for the written word, in all its forms. A mildly steamy text can get me revved up the way a wallet full of $50 bills turns other women on. In the past, I’ve spoken to men and been ambivalent until they started texting me. Words win me over every time. And of course, for a commitment-phobe such as myself, it’s a nice low-investment way to have someone in my life without actually having him in my life.

But for normal people who don’t shun phone conversations, it’s an interesting question. A few months back I was asking a friend of mine if she had yet had a phone conversation with a man she’d been “talking to” for a couple of weeks and she said no. I asked her if that was normal and she had no idea. So I ask you, dear readers, what role does the telephone play in modern courtship?

For me it goes like this: first you text, then you go on a date (you may have a phone conversation or two to plan said date but texting is still the primary mode of conversation). Then you talk on the phone and date for a while, then he graduates to BBM. Or gets kicked off the island for not having a Blackberry. But as we all know, max-logic is not actual logic so you guys tell me how it should go.

I Just Wanna Get to Know You

I'm a curious person. The kinda person who knows a little bit about a lot of things and wants to know something about everything. The kind of person who can easily spend two hours on wikipedia clicking on link after link learning about everything from Basquiat to escovitch. So it stands to reason that, as I'm going along living my fabulous life, I encounter someone about whom I'd like to know a lot more. Now when this person is a woman it's easy - all I really have to do is talk to her about shoes find a common ground and we're fast friends. But when the person is a man it can be a little...problematic.


See the only way to get to know someone is to stalk get close to them...pay attention to them, ask questions, suggest outings, stuff like that. And through the shared interests and experiences you will, if you're lucky, forge a friendship. Or get bored - if the person doesn't live up to your expecations. But when you're a single woman trying to get to know a single man, nine times of our ten he's gonna think you're trying fuck date him; and your assurances that you're interest is purely platonic will likely be met with a big old side-eye.


So what's a curious gal to do? My fab friend Jem says I need to stop lying to myself and that my so-called desire to get to know a dude is nothing more than a hard-on wrapped up in lofty talk. But I don't accept that.


To me, wanting to get to know someone I'm attracted to is a crush. Wanting to get to know someone who doesn't give me that 'funny feeling' is just...wanting to get to know him.


So what's the right way to do that? Educate me people.

max about town: sex, relationships, and sometimes love

Last week my girl Jem and I attended the media launch of Sex, Relationships, and Sometimes Love, a GLAAD- nominated Off-Broadway hit running in Toronto until November 9.  It's not a play so much as a series of monologues about love, relationships, and sex. Some of them are funny, some of them are sad and everyone will probably find at least one or two they can relate to.  


If you're looking for something different to do in the city you might want to check it out. Check out their website for showtimes and ticket information.


If you see it, let me know what you think.

I am that Angry Black Woman

So if you listened to me and saw Secrets of a Black Boy you probably remember Sean's monologue 'White Girls are my Kryptonite'. In it he talks about why he's given up on dating Black women. His reasons wre a load of bullsh*t basically amounted to the fact that Black women are too independent and don't make him feel needed or appreciated. The first time I saw the play I almost lost an eyeball due to excessive rolling but the second time (yes, I saw it twice - how many times did you see it??) I really tried to listen objectively to see if his reasoning made sense. It didn't. But we'll get to that in a minute.


Then on the weekend I was re-reading this. It's a list of the top 10 reasons the author finds it difficult to date Black women. His reasons were things like Black women are too independent and expect too much. Then I was over here reading this guy's reasons and he said that Black women have a sense of entitlement. Then I jumped over here and found a remixed version of the first list that also included that Black women are abrasive and their tolerance is far too low.


The thing about this kind of propaganda talk is that I think it's a gross over-simplification of an extremely complex issue and I really wish people would not throw this kind of stuff out in the universe so cavalierly; not that I don't respect their right to do so. But all this reading did get me thinking about something...


Last night I was over at my girl Rachael-Lea's house filming some promo videos for Inside Our Heads. When Rach asked me to be on the panel, she said she wanted me there as the 'bitter bitch'. So of course when we were filming she asked me how I became that girl...


Now notwithstanding the fact that I hate the term bitter and am loathe to use it to describe myself, as I started to explore the ways in which my alleged bitterness manifests in my dating life, I discovered some interesting things...


I am extremely independent and don't really want a man to do anything for me
I expect a lot of men and don't really tolerate a lot of bullsh*t
I get annoyed easily and can be abrasive


See where I'm going here?


Am I that Angry Black Woman that is driving my beloved Black men away? I think that most of the people who know me would say no. I actually think that most of my readers would say no too. But yet you can't deny that I kinda fit the bill - at least as it's been articulated from stage to screen.


So back to over-simplification. Yes I am that woman who doesn't need (or really want) a man to do sh*t for me. I can take care of myself and pride myself on it. Do I know how to make a man feel like a man and show appreciation for the things he does? Of course. But I also want my man to know that he's around because I want him there - not because I need him to survive.


And do I sometimes get abrasive when I'm mistreated or approached in a way I don't appreciate? Effing right I do! I value manners over almost any other character trait, feel that I'm entitled to be treated with respect, and will not stand there and act appreciative when a man I don't know comes up to me at Tim Horton's and asks me if I'm hungry for some C-O-C-K (true story). And you bet your a$$ I expect a lot from men...I don't half-step in my relationships and I'm not gonna tolerate him doing it either.


So am I an Angry Black Woman? Yeah, I guess I am. But I'm also a generous Black woman. A loyal Black woman. A smart and wickedly funny Black woman. But you wouldn't know that, would you? Because you only date white girls.