With the holidays just behind us, family is a bit on my mind. I have a kind of love-aggravation relationship with my extended family and usually feel sick with dread when I know I have to spend time with them, but then when I actually see them I have an awesome time and love them so much. But my family is kinda...weird, to say the least. Which should mean that I fit right in but somehow doesn't quite work out that way.
Now in my family we have three kinds of people; stars, black sheep, and nonentities. I’m sure you can guess which I am. And this past year one of the brightest stars our family has ever produced got married. She brought her new husband to Toronto for the holidays (they live in DC) and my greatest Christmas joy was watching him watch us.
Although my family is a save haven for strays – at any gathering I will encounter at least two people I’ve never laid eyes on before - as a rule, we don’t bring significant others to family gatherings unless they are for real. There are a few reasons for this.
First, in my (extremely Christian) family, casual sex relationships is not the done thing. So when we’re having casual fun (which please believe we all are), trolling the evidence around for all the aunties to see is the quickest way to get your ass relegated to black sheep status (and no, that’s not how I did it).
Second, anyone we bring around the family is subject to so much SCRUTINY (it’s so bad it has to be all caps) that it’s just cruel to put someone through it if they’re not in it for the long haul.
Three, my family is a vortex that sucks in unsuspecting significant others quicker than you can say “hip hip hip hooray!”. One minute you’re a guest at Thanksgiving dinner, the next you’re making a presentation at the family meeting. Or in charge of planning the next family trip. And once in, there is no out. My cousin’s ex-wife retained her star status after their (gasp!) divorce while I – a fully born Greene – am still a black sheep.
First, in my (extremely Christian) family, casual sex relationships is not the done thing. So when we’re having casual fun (which please believe we all are), trolling the evidence around for all the aunties to see is the quickest way to get your ass relegated to black sheep status (and no, that’s not how I did it).
Second, anyone we bring around the family is subject to so much SCRUTINY (it’s so bad it has to be all caps) that it’s just cruel to put someone through it if they’re not in it for the long haul.
Three, my family is a vortex that sucks in unsuspecting significant others quicker than you can say “hip hip hip hooray!”. One minute you’re a guest at Thanksgiving dinner, the next you’re making a presentation at the family meeting. Or in charge of planning the next family trip. And once in, there is no out. My cousin’s ex-wife retained her star status after their (gasp!) divorce while I – a fully born Greene – am still a black sheep.
There’s one more reason we don’t bring SO’s to family gatherings until we have to and that is this: my family is effing weird. If you’re not Trini, not Christian, and not at least a little bit uppity you are going to a)stick out like a sore thumb and b)spend your day giving out side-eyes galore. No amount of preparation will equip you for the phenomenon of walking into my Auntie’s house on Christmas day expecting to open gifts and realizing 5 hours later that it’s not even close to gift-opening time. No pre-holiday pep talk is going to prepare you for the moment when you’re asked to make a speech, play an instrument, do a dance or distribute hand-outs. And nothing – but nothing – is gonna prepare you for the moment when my 300+ lb cousin comes crashing to her knees during Oh Holy Night.
Way back when I was too young to know better, I brought Snickers to a family gathering. It was a BBQ in a park and he wore a track suit. Makes sense right? He’s an athlete, we’re in a dirty park sitting on dirty picnic tables, what else is he gonna wear? But that outfit elicited such an enormous side-eye from our Chief Auntie that I never ever considered bringing anyone around again.
Way back when I was too young to know better, I brought Snickers to a family gathering. It was a BBQ in a park and he wore a track suit. Makes sense right? He’s an athlete, we’re in a dirty park sitting on dirty picnic tables, what else is he gonna wear? But that outfit elicited such an enormous side-eye from our Chief Auntie that I never ever considered bringing anyone around again.
Now you would think, given all the craziness that goes on, that the idea of marrying and having an alternate family with whom to celebrate the holidays would be enticing. But for some strange reason, it’s not. In 34 years of life I’ve only spent one Christmas away from my aunties and it was no fun. I’ve spent more Chrsitmases away from my mother than from my aunts and cousins. So if I ever become seriously involved with someone, he’s gonna have to either accept the fact that we spend holidays separately, or get on board the crazy train. We welcome strangers, the weirder the better. But please believe I will wait until the ink dries on the marriage certificate and both rings are welded to my finger before I expose him to the crazy; just in case coming from an intensely Christian, amazingly weird, ridiculously formal family is a dealbreaker for him.
Is that wrong?
