30 April 2010
Hush Mama
28 April 2010
Older Women 101
26 April 2010
The Slow Dance
23 April 2010
A Throwback Post - Why I Don't Date White Guys
Anyway, these dudes were responsible for the only two experiences I’ve ever had with white guys - which is amazing if you consider that I grew up in London Ontario. One was the fabulous Bobby who kissed me for the first time in his parents' bathroom next to the Elvis clock and with whom I got down 'n dirty in his jeep on the grounds of Brescia College - where the nuns live in London.
I know - I was scandalous.
Anyway, the other we'll call JP. And JP was, well, straight up whiter than the whitest white man. Let’s take a look:
He was from PEI
He played hockey
He had some kind of mullet
But ole JP had two things going for him: he was adorable and he was riding my jock hard. So yeah I let him take me out a couple of times and yes I went home with him one night.
"Poor thing" I thought. Because as embarrassed as I was, I knew he had to be absolutely mortified. "I’m sorry!" he nearly sobbed. "I’m so sorry!" "It’s okay" I murmured encouragingly. I really felt bad for him. Until this:
"I’m so upset! I waited my whole life to be with a black girl and here you are and look!"(gesturing southward)
Um, yeah. so not only have you wasted my time, and left me with blue "balls", but you thought it was a good idea to tell me I’m the living manifestation of some massa-mammy fantasy you've been harbouring?!?
but then
but THEN
but then he never called me!
21 April 2010
The No-Cry Zone
This is the part of the post where I ask you if you have any experience with the topic but honestly ladies, if you've ever cried after sex because you feared that the man wouldn't respect you, I want you to get off my site don't want to hear about it. Actually same goes for any man reading who has done this. But if anyone out there has a compelling reason why this might be okay, I'd love to hear it.
19 April 2010
I Wanna Little Sugar in my Bowl
Sidebar: If you're not a Nina Simone fan and/or have never seen Point of No Return you might want to go over here now and get caught up. I'll wait for you to come back.
16 April 2010
5 Reasons Why You Didn't Count
6. It was weak sauce
I almost forgot this. Thank you Honey Matthews for reminding me! If the shit was less than five minutes, your piece is less than an inch long, or you couldn't stay hard, you do not count.
Those are my top reasons, but as usual my blogging boy Dr. Jay has done it better over here. Take a peek. You'll laugh your ass off.
14 April 2010
First-Date Sex
12 April 2010
Conversations About Sex
The second and main reason I avoid pre-sex talk is that something happens when you have these kinds of conversations with men. I don't know why, but it seems that breaking the seal on the sex talk before you break the seal on the sex tends to lead to some crappy-ish behaviour. I have my theories about why that is, but I'll save that for another post and another day.
So the other day I was talking about my aversion to sex talk with my buddies over at Met Another Frog. They weren't buying the max-logic at all. Like, not.at.all. After a pretty lengthy discussion involving me bringing up my (admittedly feeble) arguments against pre-sex conversations and Skye shutting me down, they pretty much had me convinced that letting your prospective partner know about your needs, wants, and preferences (and learning about his) is the grown-up thing to do and the only way to ensure you get what you need once secksy time comes around.
Now that I've had some time to marinate on it, I'm still not sold. I can't shake the feeling that these kinds of conversations are clinical and unromantic. And the last time I discussed sex in detail with a man prior to sleeping with him, he disappeared almost immediately afterward. So I'm sticking with my telephathic method of making my needs known to my partner; understanding of course that I cannot complain if they're not met. Well, not to his face anyway.
9 April 2010
Throwback Post: Random Funny Story
And that's all there is to say about that isn't there?
8 April 2010
Crash the Car
The ever-talented Dr.Jay returns with his take on yesterday's post. I thought my idea was good but his is sheer evil genius. After you read this, check him out over at your favourite blogger's favourite blog.
Have you ever been on a different page than someone else? However, you were afraid of how they would react if you told them the reality of the situation? Today’s session is about crashing the car. I had a friend who was telling me about a situation she was going through with a male friend who may be thinking the relationship is more than friends, but she was afraid for her safety if she didn’t just go along with what he was thinking and manage her own actions. I told her, “Sometimes you have to get in their lane and then crash the car.”
Here’s what I’m talking about:
Sometimes men and women meet and the guy is thinking in his head that he would like to sleep with or date the lady. In her mind, she is like I just want to be friends. As most men typically will say, he agrees and says yes, let’s just be friends. He says this, but his opinion will never change, EVER. Final Answer.
As friends they hang out a few times and they start to hang out regularly. But in her mind, he’s just a friend. At some point she wants to do something else other than hang with the guy and it upsets the guy because in his mind, he’s trying to talk to this girl and she’s not being responsive. He may react, snap back at her, send a dry or angry text message, etc. She’s wondering why he’s doing this and thinks that maybe he’s just a little sensitive. Going forward and after several conversations or email exchanges about the nature of the relationship and that she is not interested in any type of relationship outside of friendship, he still insists that it’s cool that they remain friends. BUT IN HIS MIND, he’s thinking that this is merely a setback and proceeds as planned. Some guys will even go as far as to start to act out because in their mind, arguments are a sign of a good/healthy relationship. Be careful to check your Terrorist Alert Advisory Level.
So what do you do? How do you get this guy to lay off without causing him to do something crazy that may involve him harming himself or you? You have to get in his lane. So slide into his lane of “talking”. Get him to think that you are being responsive to his advances. And then you CRASH THE CAR. Find a way for him to find out that you are talking to someone else, or that you are a horrible person to be in a romantic situation with.
Here are some ways you can do that:
1. Send him a text in the morning, after not seeing him the previous night saying, “Had a great time, we should get up again soon.” When he receives it he’ll think that you’re talking to someone else and get upset and be done with you. Although you totally fabricated this situation. (I am guilty of pulling this text trick. It works like a charm).
2. After some time, ask him if he would have a problem if you were talking to other guys while talking to him. Because men are territorial, he’ll say no he has no problem, but now that he knows that it will begin to bother him and he’ll begin to waver.
3. Just be a horrible person to be talking to. Turn off your phone at night. Disappear for hours. Change/cancel plans. I mean flat out just frustrate this guy once you are “talking”. He’ll see a big difference between when you were just friends and now that you’re talking and fade to black.
In Dr. J’s opinion, there’s nothing wrong with a little Phantom of the Opera.
So what do you guys think? Will Dr. Jay's method work to get rid of the dude who can't take a hint? The next time I have a pest I'm giving it a try.
7 April 2010
Pest Control
These pests come in many forms – an ex who just needs one more chance, a completely unsuitable man we gave some to in a moment of weakness, or a poor sap whose only crime is residing on the wrong rung of the ladder.
Whoever he is, a pest can make a woman’s life a living hell. On the surface he seems like a great guy – he’ll call you just to see how you are, he’ll bring you Tim Horton’s when you’re having a late-night craving, and he is ready and willing to take you out for Valentine’s Day. Problem is he’s calling you while you’re staring at the phone willing the guy you really want to call you. He wants to stay – and will try to bone – after he’s dropped off your Tim’s. And while he might bring you flowers when he picks you up for your Valentine’s date, he’ll spend the whole evening staring at you with this pathetic hangdog look that makes you just want to slap the sh*t out of him.
So what’s a girl to do with a pest? Word on the street is a woman has three choices:
1. Ignore him
A lot of women say that this just feels wrong. It’s mean to ignore people, isn’t it? But are they really that nice? Or are their heads being gassed up by all this attention? I think you know the answer to that.
2. Tell him the truth.
It might be mean, but nothing says go away like a text message saying “You’re annoying and I will never, ever want you. Ever.”
3. Grit your teeth and tolerate your pest until he loses interest and finds someone else to harass love.
Unfortunately, your pest will most likely misinterpret your gritted-teeth tolerance as encouragement. This man is clueless and he lacks the natural filter that distinguishes politeness from vibes.
So I ask the question again – what’s a girl to do?
A couple of months ago I took the question to the streets i.e. Twitter and Facebook. I asked the ladies “How do you deal with a man who’s a pest and won’t leave you alone?” The answers were pretty evenly divided between ignore, tell him to buzz off, and grit your teeth and bear it. So I took it to the men to see if they had anything illuminating to add. They all said they would tell a pest to go away. Me? I have a different tactic: fall in love with your pest.
I know you’re thinking I’m crazy right now, so let me school you. It is a fundamental fact of dating life that a man wants that which he cannot have. Men get off on the douleur exquise and no one more so than a pest. So why not remove the thrill and faux-fall in love? It’s quick, it’s dirty, it does the job every time. If your pest is blowing up your phone, just pick it up, act thrilled to hear from him, and launch into an ultra-excited diatribe about your day. Make sure you drag it out until his phone battery dies. Pester your pest about his schedule and try to fill every empty window of his time. And instead of ignoring his eyes when he stares at you with desperate wanting, gaze lovingly at him every chance you get.
In other words, give your pest a taste of his own medicine. It works every time.
5 April 2010
A little fun on a Monday: My Market Value
This past weekend I was searching for inspiration and came across this "Dating Market Value Test" on Citizen Renegade. There's one for women and one for men and the number of points you get determines your value on the dating market. I think you should all take this test and tell me your score in the comments but in the meantime, take a look at the possible outcomes and guess which one I am?
-82 to -56: You’re an omega. If it makes you feel better you will have your choice of male omegas to bang.
-55 to -40: The majority of men are disgusted by the sight of you. Your kind will suffer most when our sexbot overlords arrive. Losers hit on you constantly figuring they have a chance.
-39 to -20: You were born to cockblock. But you’ll manage to marry a table scrap.
-19 to -5: Lesser beta. The men you want make fun of you out of earshot. You spend many years learning how to settle for mediocre betas.
-4 to 14: Classic beta. Your hot friends always gets hit on first, but if you really tramp it up you can snag a slightly better than average guy to take you home for a single night of commitment.
15 to 29: Greater beta. More than a few attractive guys will approach you. But if your personality is flawed you risk becoming a pump and dump victim.
30 to 43: You are officially a nascent alpha female. A lot of quality guys will hit on you and you will be able to pick and choose at your leisure. But don’t push it. You’re not quite hot enough to string guys along forever.
44 to 55: You’re a bona fide hottie. Nearly every guy who meets you agrees you are a hottie. So does every girl. This puts you in the top 1% of worldwide womanhood. With great power comes great responsibility, so try to limit the number of men you torture with blueballs and LJFB rejections to fewer than 100 in your social circle. As long as you are not a complete bitch, marriage with a top quality man will come easily to you.
56 to 63: Guys want you, girls want to be you. You are just short of perfection, which paradoxically means you will get hit on more than the super alpha females. You are a player’s greatest challenge, and his greatest reward, because unlike the perfect woman there is still something human about you. Sex, love, security, commitment, easy living… you have it all. Only your demons can defeat you.
64: Super Alpha. The world is yours. Life is an endless parade of joy and excitement. Your power is illimitable… for now.
1 April 2010
Black Man Sexy
And because I'm writing this at an ung-dly hour of the night, with no further ado I bring you...
Big words are hot no matter who is saying them, but have you ever had a conversation with a Black man and he dropped a word like "concupiscence" on you? Good lord! Just mop me off the floor.
3. The muscles
A sexy body is a beautiful thing, but a well-built Black man is like a joyful noise unto the Lord. There is no better sight in life than a Black man's finely-sculpted back.
4. The jargon
Now this one is probably just for advertising nerds like me because I swoon in general for men with strategic minds. But a Black man who can calculate cost-per-reach-point and actually knows why I should care about it? Oh my word. (sidebar: I'm not talking about those twitter philosophers who just tweet cryptic bullsh*t about branding. That's not sexy)
Oh boy, a Black man's ass. I have no words.
Bonus: Eyelashes. Black men have the cutest eyelashes ever. Random and not really sexy but true.
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April
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- Hush Mama
- Older Women 101
- The Slow Dance
- A Throwback Post - Why I Don't Date White Guys
- The No-Cry Zone
- I Wanna Little Sugar in my Bowl
- 5 Reasons Why You Didn't Count
- First-Date Sex
- Conversations About Sex
- Throwback Post: Random Funny Story
- Crash the Car
- Pest Control
- A little fun on a Monday: My Market Value
- Black Man Sexy
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about moi
- max
- bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.