If you've read this blog even once before then you know I'm a pretty forthright person. Despite that, I tend to keep the more um, intimate details of my life out of my blog. But at the risk of over-sharing, I have a confession for you all today:
My sugar bowl is empty.
Sidebar: If you're not a Nina Simone fan and/or have never seen Point of No Return you might want to go over here now and get caught up. I'll wait for you to come back.
Sidebar: If you're not a Nina Simone fan and/or have never seen Point of No Return you might want to go over here now and get caught up. I'll wait for you to come back.
Okay so back to my sugar bowl. It's empty. Depleted. Devoid of even so much as one grain of sweetness. And I'm starting to get real salty because of it. As anyone who knows me in real life can attest, when I run out of sugar I get cranky and obsessed. It's pretty much all I can think about and all I want to talk about. It bores me so I know it must be stultifying for my friends but I figure if I'm suffering, I'm taking everyone I know down with me.
But despite my ire, I recognize that a dearth of sugar is one of the by-products of the single life. When you choose not to sign on with any one sugar distributor, it stands to reason that you will occasionally have to endure gaps between shipments. But what's a gal to do when her sweet-tooth is calling and there's no sugar in the bowl?
Now before my various inboxes become flooded with offers, let me qualify something here. I'm out of sugar but I'm not looking for the generic stuff. I live across the street from No-Frills, I could run across and pick up a box of No Name brand for 89 cents and be on my way. But no - when my wet thumb has picked up every last granule from the bottom of the bowl I'm looking for premium sugar. The kind that has an ICUMSA number below 50. You know, top of the line shit. And I want my own sugar, not a cup borrowed from a neighbour or stolen from a coffee shop. And I want it to be sweet as possible, not the cheapo stuff that's almost sour.
So again, what's a girl to do? A quick Google search came up short, so as usual I took it to the streets. I wanted to know what other people do when they've squeezed the last drop of juice out of their last piece of sugar cane. It seems the most common way to deal with a sugar-famine is to sublimate: you eat it, drink it, or work it out. The first two definitely don't work for me; stuffing alternate orifices seems to only remind me that my most important one is agonizingly vacant. Working out is a mild form of torture in my mind so I doubt that would work for me either. A lot of people also recommended um, banging it out myself but I fear I'm past the point where that would be helpful. As I told my bestie the other night (and here is where we part ways with the euphemism), masturbating when you're horny is like eating a chocolate rice cake when you're craving brownies. Yeah you got chocolate and your belly is full but it's just not the same.
So I ask you, dear readers, what do you do when your well has run dry? Are any of the suggestions I was given worth a go, or do you have a tried and tested trick I'm not yet aware of? Does everyone get stabby when they run out of sugar or do I have some kind of problem? Educate me - or commiserate with me - in the comments.
