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If you guys have been paying attention around here, you know two things: first, that I'm a highly sexed girl and second that I'm on a celibacy kick. And if you guys are as smart as I believe you are, you already know that horny + celibacy = excessive masturbation. Now I know that how and when and why we masturbate should be an intensely personal thing. But as you know, Fridays are for over-sharing around here so let's talk, shall we?
Anyone who follows me on twitter has seen me tweet about going to paint my nails pretty much every night. Now my nails are nice, but they don't require that much upkeep. See "painting my nails" is a handy little euphemism for masturbating that I picked up from the wildly inappropriate lovely and talented @RealTalkSuki. So yeah - there's a fair amount of choking of chickens and spanking of sheep going on at casa maxfab...and I'm not embarrassed about at all. Masturbation is a beautiful thing; a healthy thing. It makes everything from a headache to a broken toe feel better. It wakes you up when you're sleepy and calms you down when you're hyper. Yes I love myself at least once a day and I think you all should too.
As a matter of fact, I don't trust people who don't masturbate. I think it's weird. Actually - let's be real here. I think people who don't masturbate have issues. I'm sorry but it just doesn't make sense to me. I mean really - we all agree that nothing feels better than an orgasm, right? So if you have the ability to give yourself one whenever and wherever you want, why on earth would you deny yourself that pleasure? That doesn't make sense.
Until fairly recently, I thought that people who don't masturbate were either liars or severely arthritic. Until I realized that I have a real-live non-masturbater in my very own circle of girlfriends. Honestly if I didn't like her so much I would have cut her off dead for that. Imagine my astonishment. This girl - a talented writer, a most hilarious tweeter, and a dear and loving friend...does not masturbate. Like - ever.
The shit baffles my mind so much I had no choice but to bring her on here to explain herself. Here she is Ms Non-Masturbation, Nick:
My girl max thinks I'm crazy and I'm sure she's got people behind her ready to say the same thing. I'm ready to hear the explanations, but hear me out first.
Please understand, I'm not trying to convert those that "polish themselves off" (I don't think I could) weekly (or even daily) but I'm saying...I.JUST.DON'T.GET IT... I don't understand the big deal about masturbation. I mean I get the basic gist of it, but it doesn't DO anything for me. It takes away all of the guesswork. Half the fun of foreplay (and chex) for me is the guessing. I like not knowing what's coming next. I'm playing a little game of "which way's he going?" in my head. "Left, left left, OH SNAP, he went RIGHT!" I can't get that guesswork if it's my hand that's dealing with me. You see, somewhere along the lines, my brain sent a message to my hand saying which way to move, and I'm fully aware of which way I'm about to go. There's no element of surprise, no "Ta Daaa!" and for me, that doesn't make much sense. *Kanye shrug* I need something to keep me on my toes. And yes, i realize that i need to "know my body" (and other things people say) in order to fully know how to be pleased. But I just don't see it.
I don't like teasing myself. I'm very much a person that's "don't tell me what you're gonna do, come over and do it!" Teasing does nothing but get me annoyed. I don't have this buildup of hormones that needs to be released. When I'm not having chex, that's just it, I'm not having chex. I don't think about it, and it's off my mind. Touching myself is a recipe for no finale.. and I don't LIKE when there's no finale. I'm not close-minded to it, I just haven't seen where it helps me. I CAN say that a good gchat session can get me randy, but then what am I supposed to do with that "Rand?" I don't want the startup if there's gonna be no knock on my door. No phone call to say he's on the way. I can't wrap my mind around it. Not only that, but what do I get off to when it's not a gchat session or phone call that's got me heated? Close my eyes and imagine? Sorry, my mind is not that way inclined. I'd rather just feel the heat from a warm body. It need to be interactive. Action and reaction. Action: you touch me there. Reaction: it gets poppin like FISH GREASE!! And that's that...
Yeah yeah yeah the shit still doesn't compute to me. But you guys weigh in here - are you team bang the bishop or team repression save it for your partner? Choose your side in the comments.
