Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd repost all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.
'[Ladies,] when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much.Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!'
(from The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider)
Ridiculous, right? I know.
But consider this:
'I say that maybe she should stop reading it.
'I know...But it's like I've been trying to catch a fish by swimming around with them. I keep making myself get in the water again. I try different rivers. I change my strokes. But nothing works. Then I find this guide that tells me about fishing poles and bait, how to cast and what to do when the line gets taut...The depressing part is that you know it will work.'
(from The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank)
Don't we all feel this way?
I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't read, bought, or skimmed at least one of the following books: The Rules, Why Men Love Bitches, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, He's Just Not That Into You, or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. And while most women recognize the impracticality of following their advice, there is just enough truth to it to stop us from completely disregarding them (and because I have male readers, I'm not gonna get into the nitty-gritty of what the books say - can't give away all our secrets). The challenge is how to balance this dogmatic advice with a) the dating pool in your city and b) your own personality.
For example, The Rules tells women not to ever accept a date if the man gives you less than four days' notice. To which women inevitably say, 'I don't know a single man that would ever give four days notice! if I listen to these dumb bitches Ii'll never get a date!'
On the other hand, any smart woman knows a man will only put forth as much effort as you require him to. So if you don't insist on notice, you'll never get it. All the same, four days seems a bit extreme, no? So where does the solution lie? Somewhere in between I guess.
On the other hand, any smart woman knows a man will only put forth as much effort as you require him to. So if you don't insist on notice, you'll never get it. All the same, four days seems a bit extreme, no? So where does the solution lie? Somewhere in between I guess.
The main point that all these books make (and yes, I have read them all) is that men are hunters and without the chase they get bored. So women can't be too available. Which I think is absolutely true. It's in the execution that problems begin:
'Invite a man over for dinner and when he gets there pop a bag of microwave popcorn. Put it in a bowl if he's really special'?
That's pretty extreme. A woman reads something like that and just gives up because the shit is so improbable.
That's pretty extreme. A woman reads something like that and just gives up because the shit is so improbable.
'When the cheque comes for dinner, don't even look at it and under no circumstances make an attempt to pay it'
Most men I know expect a woman to at least offer, even when she knows her offer won't be accepted.
Most men I know expect a woman to at least offer, even when she knows her offer won't be accepted.
'Don't be funny. Funny is masculine'
But what if you're just a funny person?
But what if you're just a funny person?
At one point in my life I gave up on these games altogether. I decided to just 'be myself' and 'be real' and lay my feelings and availabilities on the line without agenda or strategy. I considered it a social experiment and if you've been paying attention you know how that worked out.
So are games the answer for women? I'm not convinced. I think that what the problem is - and what these books ignore - is the way in which a woman will prioritize a man; right from the very beginning. She can be in the middle of a serious conversation with a friend and if Mr. New Dude calls on the other line, she'll drop everything to take the call. And once she has him on the phone, she's not switching over to answer a beep. She'll blow off plans with her friends for a date with dude and not think twice about it.
So are games the answer for women? I'm not convinced. I think that what the problem is - and what these books ignore - is the way in which a woman will prioritize a man; right from the very beginning. She can be in the middle of a serious conversation with a friend and if Mr. New Dude calls on the other line, she'll drop everything to take the call. And once she has him on the phone, she's not switching over to answer a beep. She'll blow off plans with her friends for a date with dude and not think twice about it.
If I ever wrote a dating advice book, it would be one line long - live your life, girl. If you're on the phone and he beeps in, send his ass to voicemail just like you would your mother. If he hits you on BBM while you're sleeping, sleep. If you have plans with your friends, go about your business and let him catch you another time. You don't need to invent a life just to trick a man into thinking you're interesting and desirable, just live the one you have so that you actually will be.
That's my two cents. Post yours in the comments.
