You met him. You charmed him. You’ve tweeted, texted, and talked. Been on the requisite number of dates. And now the big day is here. He’s coming over and you’re gonna bone.
Now it’s time to prepare. And what do women do to get ready for imminent sex?
Now it’s time to prepare. And what do women do to get ready for imminent sex?
Some run straight for the nearest pot of hot wax.
Some head to Bed, Bath, and Beyond for crisp new sheets and Lavender Linen Water.
(And some of those gals follow that up with a trip to Shopper’s to get some powder for those new sheets)
They head to Bath & Bodyworks for some yummy-smelling candles.
Some women head to La Perla for some yummy-looking lingerie.
Really keen women head to iTunes to download slowjams.
Progressive women head to Shopper's to stock up on condoms.
Really progressive women head to Shopper's to stock up on lube.
Other women exfoliate every inch and break out the special occasion body butter.
Some women do all of that and more.
All women clean their place, hide their maxi-pads and pictures of their ex, and apply perfume in the places they want to be kissed.
Good lord I’m tired just typing that. How these women go through all that prep work and still have energy for the beats is beyond me. Especially considering that 90% of men don’t notice or care about 90% of the stuff women do to prepare for sex. Don’t believe me? Ask a man.
When a man is about to have long-anticipated first time sex, this is what he cares about:
Paranoid dudes want to make sure you’re really alone and no one is going to bust in on him mid-thrust.
Nasty boys want to know if you have hand towels so they can give their balls a quick wash in your sink before the main event.
Pervy boys are wondering if they’re gonna get some ass. In the literal sense of the word.
Men who have been burned in the past are just hoping that they won’t discover a foul and mysterious odour when they remove your panties.
And all men are hoping they’re gonna get head.
As you can see, the prep work women do and the things men worry about are not exactly convergent. Which is why I skip all the décor and lingerie and all that. There is only one must-do on my pre sex list and that is stretching. Yes, stretching. I want to make sure I’m limber for the main event. There’s nothing worse than cramping up when a man tries to throw your leg over his shoulder, please believe that.
And you know, I’ve never had a man say “gee Max it’s nice that you’re all naked and flexible and shit but next time do you think you could light a candle or two?”
That’s it. Happy Friday everyone.
