One of my biggest reasons for shunning relationships is that it ipso facto shuns break ups. For all the mouth I have here on this blog, I can be a punk softie in real life. This makes it exceedingly difficult for me to successfully execute a break up - I just feel too bad to do it and end up stuck in shitty situations far longer than I should. I am, however, really good at telling other people how to break up and today I'm sharing my wisdom with all of you.
A bad break up is a bitch and can reverberate through a person's life for years to come. So unless you want to be the evil ex for the rest of your life, follow my commandments for a humane breakup:
1. Be sure - a lot of people (I'm looking at you ladies) like to say things to provoke a reaction and then turn tail when they don't get the reaction they expected. This is childish and stupid. If you say you're done, you'd better be done.
2. Show up - If you're over the age of 16 and you live in the same city as your soon-to-be ex, email/text/phone break ups are not the business. If things have gone deep enough to require a break up, you are required to do it in person. Otherwise you're a panty meat and no one likes a panty meat.
3. Tell the truth - Men I'm talking to you right now. If you have a reason for ending it, please share. Don't get all wishy washy and start obfuscating about how it's not her it's you and you just need time and you just need time and that kind of shit. If you want to leave your girl because her constant queefs are freaking you the f*ck out, just say so. It is the only fair thing to do and it also provides that thing the ladies love so much - closure.
4. Accept that you might have to be the bad guy - Some people can break up gracefully and move on with their lives without bearing their ex any ill will. Other people get angry and cast their new ex as the villain in the little soap opera of their life. Be prepared for thinly-veiled tweets and Facebook status updates about you.
5. Don't be a shoulder to cry on - You cannot comfort someone about yourself. You dumped her. She's upset and confused and it's nice that you get that. But if you don't want to be her boyfriend anymore you cannot be the person she calls in the middle of the night when she can't sleep because the bed is just so empty. You are not the person she should be calling when her car breaks down or she had a bad day. That's what God invented girlfriends for. Plus - let's be honest, you probably won't have anything helpful or constructive to say when she's crying down the phone so just don't.
6. Space first, friends second - Men I'm talking to you again because you guys are dirty with this. When you break up with someone, you have to give them space, whether they know they want it or not. Trying to be friends right away is only going to confuse her and give her false hopes. And don't give me that shit about how you feel bad or you genuinely like her as a person or you value her friendship. That all may be true, but that's not why you stick around afterward. It's either because you a) get off on seeing how difficult it is for her to get over you or b) you feel guilty and you're using her to assuage your guilt. Either way you are an ass.
7. Don't cave - The following is a list of unacceptable reasons to get back together with your ex:
You're horny
She's really upset
You didn't mean it
You feel guilty
You miss her
The next that you dumped him for didn't work out
You need a date for your co-workers wedding
You still love him
If you followed breakup commandment #1, none of these issues means shit. You broke up with this person for a reason and unless that reason has miraculously vanished you need to keep it moving.
8. If you live together, one of you needs to move out - Just trust me on this one.
What do you guys think? Does the way we handle break ups make them easier or do they just suck no matter what?
