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12 February 2010

The Tossed Salad

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With Valentine's Day almost upon us, the internets are awash with flowery lovey-dovey posts about how to celebrate your boo on the big day. If you guys are anything like me you're sick to death of hearing about it, so I thought it would be a nice counterpoint to bring the dirty to you. Happy effing Valentine's Day.

I didn't discover my inner perv until I was about 25. Before that I was pretty sheltered, so the first time I heard about tossing salads I was appalled. "That's NASTY!" I exclaimed. The man who dropped the bomb on me - a small-time hood and big-time cocksman - blew a puff of indo smoke in my face and said: don't knock it til you've tried it.

It seems tossing salad is one of the last taboo acts in sex. People are doing it but no one's talking about it. Well except my friends of course. A four-way conference call with a group of them yesterday raised a number of interesting issues related to ass-snacks. The politics of tossed salad, if you will. And because I exist to educate you all, I'm going to share them here:

1. Tossed salad is on a voluntary basis only. Unlike head, receiving does not obligate you to give. If your dude wants to snack on your dingleberry he does so at his own risk and it doesn't mean you have to make like a truffle in return. Unless you are in an exclusive type of situation, in which case, see #3

2. A pre-snack shower is a must. For my especially squeamish peeps, you might want to make it a shared shower so you can make sure everything has been sanitized to your satisfaction. This is especially important if you're snacking at a new buffet before you can swear by their cleaning habits.

Two key pieces of advice courtesy of my friends the ass-connoisseurs: i. Beware because "bacteria grows at an alarming rate". What you wash off in the shower may have grown back by the time you reach the bed.

ii. Never, ever eat the ass of someone who uses one of those shower puffs to wash themselves. There is no way that thing is getting into the nooks and crannies the way you want it to if you're gonna put your mouth down there.

3. If you're in a committed relationship with someone who wants their ass eaten, you must either do it or give them a free pass to get it somewhere else. Relationships are about compromise. You can't just unilaterally remove the salad bar from the buffet without providing some kind of alternative.

4. It is bad sportsmanship to refuse to kiss someone who has just emerged from your rim. I don't want to hear anything about how it's nasty or you're squeamish. Get over it.

There you have it - not only have I educated you about the ins and outs of tossed salads, I've also given you a great Valentine's Day gift idea. Nothing says I love you better than a rim job.
Have a great weekend everyone.

Comments (5)

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OMG.... this is hilarious but masterfully written. Me personally, I have no desire to do it or have it done to me. I do know people who do and some people love it. Ladies, if your man likes it do not tell anyone. That's horrible promo because everyone eventually finds out that Ty likes getting his ass munched.
@__melissa's avatar

@__melissa · 796 weeks ago

oh, the conference call verdict was worth the wait. and on point.

don't knock it til you've tried it.....that should be everyone's life theme.
I put my biznes ALL OUT THERE. I love to have my gf brag about what I do to her friends. But what we do down there... OFF LIMITS! Tell no one.
No one is going near mine! I couldn't respect someone who puts there face in there. Its hairy and red, and long.

But girls.. I guess have a better diet. Or less violent movements. A clean whole looks great... I would say LOOKS better than a pu$$&. It feels nice and smooth.... And when you have a round bottom (which makes it harder to clean) it looks so good!
{The man who dropped the bomb on me - a small-time hood and big-time cocksman - blew a puff of indo smoke in my face and said: don't knock it ‘til you've tried it.}

That has to be the best thing ever written!! I love that the last person you expect it from would be the one to nonchalantly giving those words of advice. LOL! Perfect post! I can't stop laughing!
Where to start, where to start? I think I'm gonna have to let this one go. It's a Pandora's box if there ever was one.

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