With Valentine's Day almost upon us, the internets are awash with flowery lovey-dovey posts about how to celebrate your boo on the big day. If you guys are anything like me you're sick to death of hearing about it, so I thought it would be a nice counterpoint to bring the dirty to you. Happy effing Valentine's Day.
I didn't discover my inner perv until I was about 25. Before that I was pretty sheltered, so the first time I heard about tossing salads I was appalled. "That's NASTY!" I exclaimed. The man who dropped the bomb on me - a small-time hood and big-time cocksman - blew a puff of indo smoke in my face and said: don't knock it til you've tried it.
It seems tossing salad is one of the last taboo acts in sex. People are doing it but no one's talking about it. Well except my friends of course. A four-way conference call with a group of them yesterday raised a number of interesting issues related to ass-snacks. The politics of tossed salad, if you will. And because I exist to educate you all, I'm going to share them here:
1. Tossed salad is on a voluntary basis only. Unlike head, receiving does not obligate you to give. If your dude wants to snack on your dingleberry he does so at his own risk and it doesn't mean you have to make like a truffle in return. Unless you are in an exclusive type of situation, in which case, see #3
2. A pre-snack shower is a must. For my especially squeamish peeps, you might want to make it a shared shower so you can make sure everything has been sanitized to your satisfaction. This is especially important if you're snacking at a new buffet before you can swear by their cleaning habits.
Two key pieces of advice courtesy of my friends the ass-connoisseurs: i. Beware because "bacteria grows at an alarming rate". What you wash off in the shower may have grown back by the time you reach the bed.
ii. Never, ever eat the ass of someone who uses one of those shower puffs to wash themselves. There is no way that thing is getting into the nooks and crannies the way you want it to if you're gonna put your mouth down there.
Two key pieces of advice courtesy of my friends the ass-connoisseurs: i. Beware because "bacteria grows at an alarming rate". What you wash off in the shower may have grown back by the time you reach the bed.
ii. Never, ever eat the ass of someone who uses one of those shower puffs to wash themselves. There is no way that thing is getting into the nooks and crannies the way you want it to if you're gonna put your mouth down there.
3. If you're in a committed relationship with someone who wants their ass eaten, you must either do it or give them a free pass to get it somewhere else. Relationships are about compromise. You can't just unilaterally remove the salad bar from the buffet without providing some kind of alternative.
4. It is bad sportsmanship to refuse to kiss someone who has just emerged from your rim. I don't want to hear anything about how it's nasty or you're squeamish. Get over it.
There you have it - not only have I educated you about the ins and outs of tossed salads, I've also given you a great Valentine's Day gift idea. Nothing says I love you better than a rim job.
Have a great weekend everyone.
