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16 February 2010

How to Keep a Man

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If you follow me on twitter you saw me tweeting the other night about the old diaries I was reading. They were so sadly pathetic that I was actually a little bit ashamed to be myself. But I found something interesting in there that I thought I would share with you all.

Back in my early twenties I was dating this man who was just a spectacular a$$hole. And one day he ordered me to watch Queens of Comedy and pay special attention to Mo'nique's part about how to please her man. He told me to listen closely and write it down. Lucky for you, I was an obedient little girl and I did.
Let's examine Mo'nique's rules of thumb for keeping her man:

1. She never lets her friends hang with her and her man "F*ck you single bitches!" is how she put it.
2. She never leaves her man unattended with other women. She won't even let a maid clean her house if her husband's there and she's not.
3. She'll do anything her husband wants her to sexually. He calls her the FBIA (Freakiest B*tch in America). She says if she doesn't do what he wants, another b*tch will.

Now in my young and idealistic days I thought this list was a bunch of bullshit. I wrote in my diary that if that was the way he wanted me to conduct himself he was in for a big disappointment. These days I actually think this list is on point.

Most of the women I know would disagree with this whole list. In my experience, women like to live in the land of fairy tales where they think a commitment trumps opportunity and therefore there is no reason not to trust a man alone with a maid or their friends alone with their man. Not me. To paraphrase the God of Relationships, a man is only as faithful as his opportunities. We all know that a man in a committed relationship should be able to resist temptations, but whether he would actually be able to do so is another story. If I was in a relationship and I was worried about my man cheating on me, please believe I would do everything in my power to ensure he would never be alone with a woman who wasn't his mother.

As much as most women disagree with numbers 1 and 2, they are probably shaken to their very foundations by number 3. This is probably the biggest thing women don't understand about men. Women like to refuse to participate in sex acts that they think are nasty because they think it makes men respect them more. In girl-logic, a man will value a "nice" girl over a sexually adventurous one every time. Therefore if their man wants something in the bedroom that she's not willing to give, he'll just roll over and say to himself  "Well relationships are about compromise and she thinks it's nasty so I'll just let it go and be content with the fact that she is a warm, nurturing, intelligent, giving woman". Ladies, I already schooled you on this one but let me tell it to you again - there is always some simple b*tch out there willing to do the blow rim job you won't. So whether you accept it or  not, in his mind he has a pass and he will redeem it in the right set of circumstances.  So ladies I say to you, quite literally, suck it up or suffer the consequences.

What say you ladies and men? Should a woman police her man and bend to his every sexual whim? Or are Mo'Nique and I full of shit?

Comments (14)

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eff it let someone else lick his ass...i'll stay single and bacteria free
2 replies · active 798 weeks ago
LOL you and your damn bacteria. You're going to end up living in a bubble if you don't quit.
LMAO!!! That's briliant. Chris Rock himself couldn't have put it better. And I think thart's the essence of it. At some point you have to weigh what this fool wants, be it him or her versus what your willing to give.

I have no problems letting a bitch walk on if she tries my patients. There is just far too many other options out there for me to justify putting up with one of the more unruly types.

P.S.
She is only now being referred to as a bitch because she tried my patients. Before that she was probably my Boo.
@__melissa's avatar

@__melissa · 798 weeks ago

i think #2 could border on insecure and tell me what man wants and insecure woman.

but i agree with #1 and definitely #3.
3 replies · active 798 weeks ago
You think keeping your man away from your maid is more insecure than keeping him from your friends? I'm not sure about that. But either way it's a sad fact of life that some women don't respect relationships and will pounce on your man at their first available opportunity.
What's really sad is people in relationships that refer to or treat their significant other as chattle and lose sight of the fact that they are not only a contributing partner but more than that, they are still individuals with their own hopes, dreams and aspirations.
I beg to differ with you on that one - I don't think that trying to safeguard against being cheated on counts as forgetting that your partner has his own hopes, dreams and aspirations. Unless he aspires to bone your friend, in which case a woman has every right to crush his dreams.
As a man 31 year old married man, I'd tend to agree with @_melissa regarding #2. I can see why one would feel that way. I'm sure a woman's friends hitting on her man can be a troubling thought. But a couple of things can remedy this:
1. Get some friends with class and dignity
2. Get a gentleman who will not fall prey to such advances.

Interesting takes. I enjoyed your post
1 reply · active 798 weeks ago
Thanks for commenting Torrey - I love new commenters.
If you know a gentleman who will not fall prey to available sex, please send him over immediately. I lot of women who would love to meet him!
@Lindsay2be's avatar

@Lindsay2be · 798 weeks ago

1. You can NEVER vouch for anyone, someone who CLAIMS to be your friend will double cross you in an instant. I've seen it happen to others. The sad thing about women is that we try to come across as strong and that we have it all together but get the right man, screw that get ANY MAN, to say the right thing to you and friendship goes flying right out the door.

2. See response to #1. A woman is a woman is a woman. What does a stranger have to lose for messing with your man? We know how men are, they try, some of them try REALLY hard. But why tempt him?

3. YES, YES and YES. If me and the MR. ever part ways it won't be because the sex wasn't on point. I'm in a long distance relationship, so I have to make sure he realizes how good he has it when I'm not around!!!

Love your blog by the way, even though a lot of the themes are universal it's good to see someone from where I'm from. A lot of times I SWEAR you're writing about me. I'm not to the extreme that you are, but on the same page at least!!!
1 reply · active 798 weeks ago
Thanks for commenting! I love it when someone actually agrees with me - it's so rare!
I have had friends of the woman I'm dating straight up proposition me. However, I still think I agree with Torrey and @_Melissa regarding point #2. If your friends are shady, find some new ones.

As for the other points, I can't say it often enough; if your partner isn't getting what they want out of a relationship (whether it's sexual or otherwise) they're gonna get it somewhere else. Find out what your man wants and needs, and give it to him (same for the fellas). Give it to him often. Trust me on this one.

Plus, if your friends are shady and know what you aren't putting in, they'll be the first to knock on a man's door willing to lend a helping hand.....
1 reply · active 798 weeks ago
I don't know - yes of course we should all get rid of our friends if they are shady, but sometimes we don't know they're shady until they do dirt. And like Lindsay@Be said - I swear by no one so I would be reluctant to take the chance. Plus sometimes even good friends do shady things.
Loved this entry!!! I absolutely agree with all 3. I trust my friends but I ain't stoopid. Men will be men.

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bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.
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