max-logic

10 February 2010

size, shape, width, and girth

at 2/10/2010 08:17:00 am | | labels: random, sex

Way back when I first moved to Toronto, I lived in a house with four single girls. As you can imagine, all manner of debauchery went on in that house, to the point where we had a whiteboard in our kitchen were we kept track of the latest perpetrators of crimes against "the girls of 1560". Sadly I don't talk to most of the girls anymore (another post for another day) but I do remember those days and laugh my ass off.

One thing I remember most about those days was this guy we used to see all the time. He was a good guy; funny, mannerly, and dead sexy. But he occupied a position of prominence on our wall of shame because he had an unfortunate nickname: triangle d*ck.

If you're not familiar, triangle d*ck is one of the great tragedies of life. It's when a man's um, man part is shaped like a triangle. It may not be visible to the naked eye, but once it's in there roughing up your lady parts you will know you've encountered it. It's a terrible affliction because there is no cure and it totally negates any other positive attributes the man part might have.

Another one of the girls in the house had an encounter with a sugar bowl d*ck. This is where the girth far exceeds the length so that the penis has the same round, squat silhouette as a sugar bowl. Again - great guy, handsome, smart, funny...but, a sugar bowl.

Eff what you heard I'm a picky girl. I don't mind a gentle sway to the left or right, but I can't get down with these oddly shaped things. I think it might be a dealbreaker for me...but should it be? If I was to find that mythical magical majestical (© Mo'Better Blues) man that could put up with my crazy but had a triangular penis, should I toss him back or hang on for dear life? We all know that size matters, but should shape and girth?

Here's another story for you. Last summer I was hanging on the street corner (#noprostitute) with two of my favourite ladies talking about um, lady parts. I can't remember how we got on the topic, but we were talking about "fatness" and how bizarre it is for a man to compliment a woman for having a "fat pum pum". We wondered if this was an exclusive concern of black men and decided to start polling random white guys to ask them if they noticed or cared about how fat a woman's downthere is. As you can imagine, we got a lot of confused looks. It seems this matters not one whit to some guys, but seems to be quite important to others.

So gentlemen, tell me - does "fatness" matter? And what exactly constitutes a fat vagina? Would you turn down an otherwise ideal woman because her pu$$y didn't meet your standards?

Educate me oh wise ones.

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Sam Sharpe · 797 weeks ago

Of course fatness matters. It may not be the be all and end all, but given the choice between something "well fat and buff" or something scrawnier I'll take the fat and buff every time. And I don't think I feel this way because I'm Jamaican. I can't help but think that there is/was a flaw with your polling sample. I know I'm making assumptions here, but I bet you weren't asking the right question. I just don't think you can ask the average white dude if a "fat pum pum" or a "fat pussy" matters. Things get lost in translation. (Sidebar. When I was in university, surrounded by white dudes, they would always be confused when they overheard me talking with my (black, caribbean) friends about a girl being "slack". They just didn't understand the term. I had to explain it very, very slowly for them)

No man in his right mind would turn down the ideal woman because her poomps wasn't fat enough. Not because he wouldn't notice, but because it gets back to what I said earlier. It matters, but its not the be all and end all.

2 replies · active 796 weeks ago

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maxfab 81p · 796 weeks ago

I think you're right about our survey. The dudes we were asking hadn't a clue what we were talking about. The problem was we couldn't explain it. Everyone knows what a fat pum pum is but is seems we couldn't articulate it well enough for them to understand.
Here's a question - do girls with scrawny poomps know that they're scrawny?

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Sam Sharpe · 796 weeks ago

"Do girls with scrawny poomps know that they're scrawny?"

Good question. I'm going to assume no. In my experience, unless a woman is a regular porn watcher, she tends to not know much about what constitutes "meaty and eaty" from "scrawny"....but, really, I'm just talking out of my ass on this one (speaking of ass, I'm about to go read that tossed salad post you've got)...but rest assured max fab I'm going to get to the bottom of this...

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CHeeKZ · 797 weeks ago

"It matters, but its not the be all and end all. "

Co-sign. Performance and moisture are the two key ingredients. But if you got that Nicki Minaj, I'm more likely to keep my face in it. Its more attractive better looking. And 2520's may not care about the fatness as much, I have seen them (they actually taught me) about lip conditions. No one likes Meat Hooks, Roast Beef, Hanging Lips. It shouldn't look like you given birth to a Rhino. Less your inner lip is showing the pretty it should be considered. Who wants to stick their face into something that looks like Bubba's lips from Forrest Gump. And of course everyone notices a fat man in the boat, which I heard is a sign of a nympho. Small ones aren't a minus, but harder to work with.

2 replies · active 796 weeks ago

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CHeeKZ · 797 weeks ago

As for what I got: I love my piece, but hardly ever get the chance to talk about him b/c everyone thinks people who brag are making up for something. But on the internet is makes sense... since no one will ever see. Words that are used to describe my piece: Perfect. Chocolate. Nice. Just Right. Good D. Beautiful. Now I'm not too constant, honestly you could sleep with me 6 times and get 6 shapes. So I can be too fat (not overly) or too skinny (and really long and ashey).
Point being.... you should let me hit it

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maxfab 81p · 796 weeks ago

Oh CHeeKZ your comments effing kill me. iCan't with the lip conditions. When I was planning the post I did some Googling and came upon some very alarming images of the things you mentioned. Yuck. That's all I can say.

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Dr. J (@DrJayJack) · 797 weeks ago

This post interests me. I think that a fat cooch is good for business. But I can't hold it against you if you don't have one. You just want to have the lips come and pull your junk in. That's heaven.

1 reply · active 796 weeks ago

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maxfab 81p · 796 weeks ago

"a fat cooch is good for business" is hands-down the best comment I've ever received.
Welcome - the number of times I've quoted you in here it's about time you stopped by!

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WWD · 796 weeks ago

Luv the meat, luv the meat!!! I want to say the more the better but even a sandwich can have too much meat in it! That all said, it aint shiiit unless there is nuff sauce too. Lube is such a pain.