Throwback Monday - My Version of the Ladder Theory

Sorry folks - it was quite a weekend and I did not have time to post. We we'l do throwback today and I'll give you something good tomorrow...sound good?

So about a year ago I found myself on what appeared to be an impromptu blind date. Dude was smart, funny, and interesting but not particularly hot. And before you start to roll your eyes at my shallowness, let me assure you that I have dallied with my fair share on non-cuties in my lifetime. So it's not that every man I have to date has to be Idris Elba handsome, it's just that I've noticed a trend in behaviour that occurs when non-cute men date hotties such as myself.

Sidebar: this post is based on the principle that I am a hottie. Call me an egomaniac if you will, but none of this is gonna make any sense if you don't subscribe to that particular theory.

Anyway. For those of you not familiar with the ladder theory, it's a pseudoscientific explanation the ways in which men and women evaluate members of the opposite sex upon first impressions. In the ladder theory model, this decision is typically made quickly and is often final. This determines the other's potential as a future mate. (source)

So basically, when men and women meet, they place each other on a ladder based on how they score on a bunch of different points. The higher the score, the higher you go on the ladder. The whole thing is pretty stupid complex, but the one aspect of the ladder theory that is relevant to this post is "ladder disparity". Simply put, this is when two people meet each other and place each other on vastly different points on the ladder. Check out this picture:

See how Bob has Jane on the bottom of his ladder and Jane has Bob at the top of hers? That's what we're talking about here.

Now back to they mystery date. Although homeboy and I are both funny, smart, and interesting, I would likely end up higher on his ladder than he would on mine because I am hot and he is a troll of the difference in our levels of attractiveness. And I know what you're gonna say - looks don't matter, it's what inside that counts, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, pretty and $3 will get you on the bus. But before you start with all that, let me school you. The problem is not one's level of attractiveness per se, it's how our perception of our own attractiveness and that of our partners dictates how we behave.

Let me illustrate: I (a hottie as previously discussed) once dated a man who - when I first saw him - literally made my jaw drop. But oh my lord what a spectacular asshole he was. Seriously.  I've never been treated worse by a man and trust me when I tell you I have met some real jackasses in my time. But oh if you guys could have seen me, buying shoes for this man, cooking for him, enduring levels of disrespect that I can't even get into here, all because he was higher than I on the ladder. I felt that he was out of my league and that I had to bend over backwards to please him because of all the other women out there just waiting for me to fuck up so they could snatch him.

Conversely, I also once dated a man whose jaw probably dropped when he first saw me.  He was a nice guy, but definitely nothing to get excited about in the looks department. But oh how he showered me with attention and affection. Because I was out of his league, he had to work overtime to win me over.

So you're probably wondering, what's wrong with that?

Well in the first scenario, the dude was highly attractive and in his mind that gave him license to be an asshole. and no matter how accommodating I was, he stayed an asshole.  The only thing that changed was that I met someone else got sick of it and bounced. In the second scenario, despite my superior level of attractiveness I was not an asshole and never became one. And because of his efforts, old dude eventually won me over and we reached a point of equilibrium where we were equally into each other. And then he became an asshole and the whole thing ended in a dramatic, painful, and tragic way.

Get it now? No? Okay - let me break it down for you (so it can forever and consistently be broke). When a woman dates a hottie, she works hard to prove her worth. To paraphrase the late great Robin Harris, ugly girls don't want no trouble. They're just grateful a hot dude is giving them the time of day, even if it's wrong. But when a woman dates an uggo, he's not grateful, he's on a mission. He has one objective: to cut her down to size and he will do whatever it takes to accomplish his goal. He'll refuse to tell her she's pretty because he doesn't want to "gas up her head". He'll be distant, sketchy, and confusing  until he has flipped things in such a way so as to make her behave as though she's the one at the bottom of the ladder.

So the moral of the story is not that a pretty girl should never date a homely dude. It's just that a lot of girls go for the less attractive ones because they think it will be easier. There's an expectation that the unfortunate-looking man will continue to work hard for his hot girl throughout their relationship because at every moment he will be aware that she's out of his league. And I'm here to tell you: this is not the case. Non-cute men have egos just like cuties do and they're not gonna sweat you ad infinitum - why go through all that bother when they can just cut you down to a manageable size?

So what does all this mean for impromptu blind date dude? I found out that he is known in his social circle for being the ugly dude who pulls nuff girls because he's educated and well-to-do. And he dumps them with a quickness for infractions such as not having pretty enough feet or misusing a word in a sentence. And also that he's not feeling me.

See? Pretty and $3 can get you on the bus.

What do you guys think of my theory?

Good F*cking Morning

Shout-out to @HoneyMatthews for suggesting this post.

For years I have bemoaned the fact that I had never had morning sex. Especially considering I spent three years in a living hell cohabiting with a dude. Then I had it and I was like, is that all there is? Not that the sex was bad - you guys know I don't think there's such a thing as bad sex - but I just didn't see how it was any better than night time sex. Except that my little brain was working overtime thinking about how soon I had to be at work. Then there was the added injury of having to endure a sleepover in order to get said morning sex; and you guys remember how I feel about sleepovers, don't you?

Anyway, after that encounter I crossed morning sex off my list and proceeded to live my life with no intention of revisiting it. But it nagged me; how could I, a true devotee of the pipe and the ultimate morning person, not enjoy morning pipe? It just seemed wrong. I knew I must be missing something. So I did my usual Twitterpoll to find out if anyone had anything interesting to say about morning sex. They didn't. Then I hit the #2 most reliable source of information and found out all kinds of interesting things about morning sex.

Such as:

1. People who start their days by having sex are all-around healthier and happier than those who don't.

Apparently morning sex releases oxytocin, which makes couples feel loving and bonded all day long. And apparently that's a good thing.

2. A man's body is hardwired to want sex first thing in the morning

This explains the phenomenon of morning wood. Evidently while your man is snoring like a band saw and sucking up all the oxygen in the room sleeping, he is accumulating the testosterone he will use for the next day. From the time he wakes up, he has a three-hour window when he's brimming with peak levels of it. So I guess this means the morning boner is the best boner and it would be wasteful not to get on it.

And my personal favourite:

3. According to scientists at the University of Pennsylvania, a man's musky underarm odor is a proven libido booster.

Therfore snuggling up to your man as soon as you wake up will get your motor running extra hard as a result of his natural funk scent. This actually makes a lot of sense to me.
(Source for all) 

Kinda makes me want to give it another go. As soon as I figure out how to bifurcate sleepovers and morning sex that is...

But what do you guys think of morning sex? Is it any different or better than sex at any other time of the day? Am I missing something? Educate me!

The Ladylike Chronicles - Week III

It's time for an update on The Ladylike Chronicles. First off, I have to apologize for not giving you one til now. Fire (our target) was missing in action and I am lazy so I had nothing to report.  He has been located and the mission continues. 

Sidebar: If you don't know what I'm talking back, go read the first installment of the series and come back. It's short.

So a lot of you are not on board with my plan but that only just fueled the Fire (ha ha ha). Going into my mission I was determined to prove that I will get better results if I start with "Max Lite". So while full-strength Max might have been tempted to reach out to Fire during his absence, Ladylike Max has been demurely going on with her life until he reappears. Which he did about two weeks ago when I returned from my lunch break to a message from him on my work voicemail asking if I could give him a call so he could ask me something. So I waited the requisite 2 hours and then called him.

If you know me in real life you know that I am a total spaz about calling people. For one thing, I hate the phone and for another I get highly nervous and awkward whenever I have to call a man and this time was no exception. My hands were shaking as I dialed, my voice quivered a little as I greeted him, but I pressed on. 

The conversation got off to a good start; he asked my opinion about something, I gave it. He was interested in what I had to say and asked lots of questions. He seemed satisfied with my answer (which comes as no surprise since both full-strength Max and Max Lite are highly funny and highly brilliant). Then we started shooting the shit. We talked about food and weather, men and women, sex and dating. It was a good conversation except for one tiny snafu: I forgot all about the Ladylike Chronicles and let full-strength Max out. Oops! 

Here's where I went wrong:

1. I called him Dude at least 3 times

2. Said "fuck" at least once

3. I somehow turned the conversation to the subject of anal sex and we proceeded to have a long and in-depth discussion about it.

4. I told him about the blog

All of this is exactly the opposite of the terms of this experiment, but all the same the conversation went really, really well. It was long, it was funny, and I relaxed and stopped sweating pretty early on (that's always a good sign). At the end he suggested we get together for dinner soon and promised to call.

Don't all you nay-sayers feel gratified now? I can just see you at your desks reading this with satisfied grins on your pusses thinking See? I told you you didn't have to be someone you're not to get someone to like you.

Well guess what? It's been two weeks and he has not called so I call bullshit on your self-satisfaction. And before you say that I cannot possibly know that the reason he hasn't called is that I was my normal unladylike self, let me say this: we don't know that that is not the reason either. And it proves that being my full-strength self does not yield optimal results.  And before you say "maybe he's just busy" let me remind you that no man who is interested in a woman will wait two weeks to ask her out, no matter how busy he is.

The upshot of all of this is that the experiment is a bust. But I will be keeping my eyes peeled for a new target and when I find him we'll start all over again. In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on this one when he crawls out of whatever hole he fell in; because we know they always do.

Happy Thursday everyone!

I Am Too Proud to Beg

A couple of years ago I counselled a good friend through a breakup. Athough her boyfriend was a great guy, she had some very good reasons for wanting to end things. She felt awful about it though, and it took a couple of months to accept what needed to be done. Then she called me in. We talked, we made sure she was doing it for the right reasons, we made sure she was sure.  And we got to work. We determined the ideal date, time, and location for the breakup to occur. We wrote a script well I wrote it but whatevs and practiced it. She had a tagline. We plotted an exit strategy and a fall-out plan. We were ready.

B-day came. She went in and completed her mission like a soldier. In the face of shock, tears, and anger she remained resolute. She did it quick and dirty and got out, just like I coached her. Then she felt like shit so I took her out and got her hammered. The next day she felt great.

The thing is though, for the rest of that week her ex-man contacted her daily. Sometimes he would call for a quick chat, sometimes he sent her angry text messages, sometimes he called her crying. But like a good ex, she kept the conversations short and reminded him that a clean break was better for everyone. She felt like an asshole, but she knew it was the right thing to do. 

Then ol' boy stepped up his game. Now instead of calling to chat he was calling to tell her he would always love her. Instead of angry emails, she was getting "I can't live without you" letters.  He was still calling her crying but then he brought in the dirtiest tactic of all - full on begging. Suddenly every conversation was filled with a whole lot of "please" and "I'll do anything" and "Please take me back because I can't live without you and I promise I'll change and I love you and please please please give me another chance."

It was pathetic. But apparently I was the only one who thought so because two weeks later they were back together, happier than pigs in shit with all their old issues unresolved and firmly in place. 

I was disgusted. Deeeeeeesgusted. I couldn't believe that all those hours I spent strategizing with her (over the phone I might add and you know how much I effing hate the phone!) went out the window so quickly.

"Why?" I asked her. "What has changed?"

"Nothing," she admitted. "but I felt really bad."

And now she doesn't. Now she feels good because all the begging gave her an ego boost and nothing impairs our judgement like a big dutty swollen head.  As for him, all I can think every time I look at him is "don't you have any pride??".

See if there's one thing I learned from my mother, it's pride. What I remember most from my childhood is her saying things like "Don't beg a man for anything" and "If that man doesn't want there's always another one out there who is stupid enough to want you " (nice one Mum) and "Never ever let a man think you need him more than he needs you". And so while there have definitely been times in my life where I've wanted to beg someone not to leave or plead with someone to come back after he'd left, I literally cannot. I am too proud to beg.

But am I right to be this way? Not according to Sade and the Book of Proverbs. And you know at times I'm inclined to agree. Beyond stopping me from begging someone to be with me, pride is also part of what stops me from making the first move on a man, and I do sometimes wonder if my pride is standing in the way of my one true love? Just think - if I'd asked my first crush on a date or begged my first love to come back after one of our breakups, would I have the house with the white picket fence and 2.5 children right now? Or would I have an unruly man who knows he can do what he wants because I can't live without him?

I think you guys know what I think...what do you think? Have you begged someone to take you back? Would you? Has begging ever worked on you?

Throwback Tuesday - Lies We Tell Ourselves

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd re-post all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

Men I called you out already. Ladies, please believe your turn is coming. But today's lies know no gender; because everyone blows smoke up their own ass at one time or another. Now I'm not saying you have to stop doing it, you just have to know you're full of shit.

1. It just happened

This is the balm with which we soothe ourselves when we do someone something we shouldn't have. We all like to believe that the universe has conspired against us in such a way as to render us completely blameless when we find ourselves in an undesirable situation, when the reality is that our actions have set us on the path that led to this dreaded event. The #1 use for this line is cheating - we all just love to say it just happened and it was an accident, when really we made it happen ourselves by choosing to be in a setting that was conducive to it.

Unless you're one of those mythical magical people who actually does slip and fall on a dick/in a pussy, you need to stop lying to yourself.

2. You can't help whom you fall in love with

Unless we are talking about love at first sight - which we are not - this is a load of bullshit. In order to fall in love with someone, you kinda need to know something about them, spend time with them, have some kinda physical contact with them, get a sense of your compatibility. Am I right? of course I am.  So if you don't put yourself in a position in which it is possible for you to gain the kind of knowledge/connection that is required for you to fall in love, isn't it pretty much a guarantee you won't? And if you do spend time with someone and end up falling in love with them, haven't you facilitated that?

This expression never made sense to me - please enlighten me if I'm missing something.

3. I fell asleep

Oh this one just burns me! People use this one all the time! And guess what - nobody just falls asleep - you go to sleep. When you make plans to go out and you don't go because you fell asleep, you're a damn liar. Unless you have narcolepsy or fell asleep standing in front of your mirror with a mascara wand on your eyelashes, you're full of shit. You chose to lie down or sit down, you chose not to have some kind of safeguard to make sure you stayed awake or woke up when you had to, so guess what? You went to sleep. and you're an asshole.

Stop lying to yourselves people! 

What do you guys think? Are these legitimate excuses or just shield we use to hide from blame?

Not my ex

If you follow me on twitter, you may have caught a few of my outraged tweets after Private Practice ended on Thursday night. Not to go into too much detail for those of you who aren't into the show, but it ended with Addison getting together with her best friend's ex-husband.

I freaked the fuck out. Which led to a big discussion with my sister about whether it's ever okay to get it on with your friend's ex. See my sister, far more benevolent and level-headed than I, is of the probably correct opinion that we cannot make unilateral rules about whom our friends can date. And while I partially agree with her, I do think that in this particular case, what Sam and Addison are doing is unilaterally foul.

So does this mean that it's never okay to get with our bestie's ex? Depends who you ask. My usual internet poll yielded a whole lot of "it's not okays". But surprisingly, I don't agree. I actually had a similar discussion with the lovely _melissa of commenting fame not too long ago in which we both expressed that we don't believe in the hard-and-fast "absolutely not" mentality when it comes to sloppy seconds exes. At the time, I shared with her my rules of thumb for gauging whether it's safe to tread into ex territory and now I will share with you.

To get the greenlight to thronx an ex you have to answer the following questions correctly:

1. How good is the friend?

If you are talking about your bff, the number one on your speed dial, the only one you told about your drunken hook-up with your boss, your most trusted confidant, you must cease and desist immediately. Especially when we're talking about women. You never know until you get in the situation how the friend is really going to react and it's not worth putting the friendship in jeopardy.

However, if you're talking about an air-kiss friend, a new friend, a work friend or something of that ilk and you know that you will skip along your merry way when if the friendship mashes up, proceed to step two.

2. How significant is the ex?

Significance comes in many forms. If it's an ex that your friend was in love with or a relationship that was longer than a year, abort the mission. You're wading in shark-infested waters my friend. Those are obvious ones; but short relationships can be dangerous ground as well. Bad breakups, tumultuous and dramatic relationships, and unresolved relationships are all landmines you probably don't want to be dragging your private parts through.

3. Where were you when the relationship (and especially the breakup) was happening?

This is the most important variable as far as I'm concerned. If we're talking about a new friend and an old ex, I could deal with it. The friendship might end, but I wouldn't slice the bitch's throat over it or anything like that.  However, a friend who was there during the whole relationship, who hung out with me and the dude, witnessed our struggles, and provided a shoulder to cry on when shit went sour? Oh no she's dead if she goes anywhere near him. He should be dead to her after the relationship ends. Okay that might be a bit over the top, but you get what I'm saying.

Sidebar: Not to beat the whole Private Practice reference to death, but this is the part where I just can't with Addison and Sam. Addison was there for their whole marriage. She delivered their daughter! She witnessed the whole thing and to then up and get with the man causes Naomi to go back and question everything that has ever happened between the three of them. That is effed up in my book. But anyway.

4. What's your objective?  

Now this may be slightly backward, particularly in light of my views on the subject of casual sex, but a friend who just slams my ex for the sake of filling up her sugar bowl is a dead woman walking. We know I love pipe more than life, but it is so not worth the level of aggravation that will ensue when I find out. And I will find out. However, if they are genuinely in love, if there's a future, if it's something...real (for lack of a better word) then I probably won't kill her.

So if you're my friend and you're contemplating retracing my steps, you have my blessing so long as you land on the right side of the line on these variables. I'm not sure that's possible....but give it a shot. Plus all my exes are so worthless you deserve whatever disease you get if you mess with them.

Sidebar: When I was in love with Snickers but before we got together one of my good friends asked me if I would still be her friend if she got with him. I told her no and she was crushed...but she did it anyway. Obviously, he was her ex when I finally wore him down got with him but I did it anyway and felt no shame about it.

That's my take on it, but what say you, dear readers?  Have you gone there with your friend's ex? Would you? How would you react if your friend did this to you? 

Throwback Tuesday - The Problem with Friends and Advice

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd repost all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

I dated a guy once who was a complete asshole. I knew it at the time, but somehow allowed myself to get sucked into his vortex and it took just over two years to get myself out. The whole experience was completely soul-crushing, but there is one thing he taught me that made the whole debacle worthwhile: be very careful about taking advice from your friends. Granted, he probably told me this in response to my friends' collective opinions that I should leave him, but it still holds water.

If you're as lucky as I am, you have a handful of friends who love you. But that doesn't mean they get you and it doesn't always mean they want the best for you. It's a sad fact of life that some people find joy in other people's pain, and that miserable people always want someone along for the ride. Which is not to say that your friends will set out to ruin your life, only just that you should take their advice with a grain of salt. We'll get back to that in a moment.

All of the above begs the question of whether I a) give advice and b) follow my friend's advice. And the answer to both is mostly yes. I give advice but I try very hard to wait until I'm asked for it. When I am, I usually ask 'do you want to know what I would do in this situation? Or do you want to know what I think you should do?'. Sometimes I say 'do you want me to be nice or do you want me to tell the truth?'. But that's just me. 

In terms of whether I follow advice, it really depends. Besides my sister, I only have one friend whose advice I would follow without first seriously examining her motivations for giving it. Everyone else's advice has to go through a screening process before I'll follow it.

Which leads me right back to where I left off - taking advice with a grain of salt. I think that before you follow your friend's advice, there are a few things you have to consider:

1. Where they are in their life
If you are taking dating/relationship advice from your girl who can't keep a man, you might want to think twice. You know the expression 'the blind leading the blind'? it applies here. If you see your girl do shit with a man that makes you cringe, why would you trust her judgment over your own? If you're taking career advice from your frequently-fired friend, you might wanna reconsider that. Just like you want your doctor to have a medical degree, you should want your friend to have some kind of expertise in a matter before you go following their suggestions.

2. Does the advice make sense for you?
Unless I specifically say 'tell me what you would do in my situation', I want my friend to give me advice that's based on, well, me. I want her to use what she knows about the kind of person I am and the situation I'm in to help me make a decision about how to proceed. We all know that people are different and what is normal behaviour to one person is completely unacceptable to another. I want my advice tailored to my realm of possibility.

3. How did she arrive at the advice?
Please don't tell me to do something unless you have thought it through. Because when I ask you 'why, why do you think i should do that?' you need to have an answer. Reflexive, unsupported, unilateral advice has little to do with you, your situation, or what is best for you, most of the time it's your friend just saying what she thinks is the right thing to say at the time.

4. Would she do it?
If a friend advises me to do something that I know for sure she would never do herself, it raises a red flag for me. Is she saying that because she recognizes that we are different, or does she just want to live vicariously through me? Or does she just want to see me crash and burn?

5. did i ask for this advice? - it makes me very nervous when i call a friend to tell them a story and they start telling me what to do about it. when i need advice i ask for it and if i don't then please assume i've already figured it out. in my experience, unsolicited advice is rarely worth listening and usually is less about me than it is about the person who is giving it.

Advice isn't an exact science. There's a lot going on beneath the surface - for both the asker and the giver - and we need to remember that. Just because you ask for advice, doesn't mean you have to follow it to the letter (although it gets annoying as shit when someone constantly asks you for advice and never fucking listens to it). Advice should be a conversation, not a proclamation.

Where you guys stand on taking advice from your friends? Giving advice? Have you ever had to cut someone off from giving/receiving advice from you?

Fall for Your Type

If you asked me to articulate what my type is, I probably wouldn't be able to do it.  At one time I would have said that tall men are my type, but after 3 relationships with 6'5"+ types, I'm off that. As you are well aware, I have a major thing for well-spoken types, but none of the men I've loved have been particularly articulate. And while manners are a huge thing for me, most of the men I've been with have been agonizingly discourteous.

Instead I seem to have a weakness for difficult men. Life-smart, rather than book-smart men. Men with encyclopedic knowledge of hip hop. Athletes or former athletes. Dapper men. Funny men. Leos. Intimidating men. Captain of the Football-team types (this is max-talk for uber-cool, highly sought-after, pussy falling out of his pocket types). This is the the type of man I usually fall for. Unfortunately, these dudes also tend to be conversation-averse. Trust-phobic. Selfish. Discourteous. Mind-fuckers and general assholes.

Such is life I guess. 

My friends are continually urging me to expand my horizons and date beyond my type. It's a good strategy, I'm sure, but I haven't had much success with it. There might be men out there who are more appropriate for a weirdo woman like me, but they just don't have the za za zu. And what's dating without that?

What about you guys? Do you have a type that you repeatedly fall for? Is it the right type for you? Share with me in the comments. 

A Love Letter to Articulate Men

Anyone who knows me knows how much I swoon for a man who is able to express himself; but I don't think I spend enough time on this blog singing the praises of these men. So this is a special love letter to the Sam Sharpes, the Seattle Washingtons, the Slim Jacksons, the Dr Jay Jacks, the Mad Scientists, the SBM's, the Streetztalks, the CHeeKZs, TheMostInterestingManintheWorlds, and the Peysos and the RCLS's, of the world who make me soil my panties daily with the awesomeness that ensues when they put finger to keyboard in their blog posts or their comments.  I adore you all.

Dear eloquent dudes,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways (gotta drop some poetry since you guys are all deep and shit). I love thee to the depth and breadth and height the internets can reach. I love thee for displacing "You're sexy bad" as the hottest thing I've ever heard a man say. I love thee so much that if my laptop grew a penis, I'd give up on three-dimensional men altogether.

Although your existence has made me considerably less productive in my professional life and caused me to burst out in loud laughter in my silent office way too many times, I love you. Although you have lessened the appeal of the "differently still" types who might could have gotten it from me, I adore you. And although you have occasionally hurt my feelings with the hard truth about women's illogical ways, I stan for you all.

Before I got to know, my life I say was mediocre (gotta drop some Nas since you guys are all heads and shit). Now you brighten my life and broaden my vocabulary on a daily basis with your special turns of phrases like jawn, dirty-sock hoes, whiskey d*ck, and whoppington o’suckles . You've taught me over and over why I need to swallow, the Power of Five, how to tell if I might be a hoe, and the motion offense. Because of your pearls of wisdom, regular dudes now bore the shit out of me I am better prepared to succeed in the battle of the sexes.

So thank you, articulate dudes, for everything you do for me and all my friends who are contemplating moving to the US to stalk your asses love you. While I have my suspicions that some of you are not real people (no one can be this incisive on a daily basis), I heart you for giving me hope that it's possible to find a man who loves hip hop and reads books. Since you're all smart and shit, can you put your heads together and find a way to clone yourselves so there can be more of you in the world? Thanks!

Love,

max

p.s. Even though you internet Adonises are my true love, I would be remiss if I didn't also show a little appreciation for the men who have caused me to spontaneously orgasm by dropping a "whom" or a "conundrum", a "ne'er do well" or a "concupiscence", a "whilst", "betwixt", or "undulate" in casual conversation. I adore you guys too.

What You Won't Do for Love

When it comes to relationship blogging, the meat is often in the big issues. Topics like when and with whom to become the up-the-butt-girl, the right way to break up, and how to keep a man have the legs we need to start discussions and grow our audience. But when it comes to relationships, I think the meat is in the small stuff. 

For example, I grew up watching my mother cornrow my father's hair. She cooked for him, even though she hates cooking, because my dad is the kind of man who won't eat if food is not placed in front of him. She also filed his nails, popped his buttons, and cut his toenails.

When I got older and lost my mind became a live-in ungirlfriend, I wanted to do those same things for my un-man. Most of my friends were horrified that I was willing to do these things (especially the popping of the buttons); they have neither the time nor the inclination to "bow down" to their man in these ways. But to me those were the ways in which I told him I cared on a daily basis. I don't know; maybe it's the throwback in me, but I really feel like it's through the little things like this that we show our feelings to our partners. Don't get me wrong, the big stuff is important too. But while I think your stance on the larger issues is reflective of your feelings about your relationship, it's your willingness to clip toenails that shows your feelings about the one you're with.

But what do you guys think? Ladies would you clip your man's toenails to show him you care? Men would you say I love you by stealing maxi-pads for your girl? (random but real example). Do you think it's the little things that say I love you?

Throwback Tuesday - The Art of the Game

Welcome to Throwback Tuesday. Since Google Analytics tells me that most of you are new visitors, I thought I'd repost all the good ish you missed before you got on board the max-logic train.

'[Ladies,] when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much.Wear black sheer pantyhose and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won't be able to be yourself, but men will love it!'
(from The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider)

Ridiculous, right? I know.
But consider this:

'I say that maybe she should stop reading it.
'I know...But it's like I've been trying to catch a fish by swimming around with them. I keep making myself get in the water again. I try different rivers. I change my strokes. But nothing works. Then I find this guide that tells me about fishing poles and bait, how to cast and what to do when the line gets taut...The depressing part is that you know it will work.'
(from The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank)

Don't we all feel this way?

I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't read, bought, or skimmed at least one of the following books: The Rules, Why Men Love Bitches, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, He's Just Not That Into You, or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. And while most women recognize the impracticality of following their advice, there is just enough truth to it to stop us from completely disregarding them (and because I have male readers, I'm not gonna get into the nitty-gritty of what the books say - can't give away all our secrets). The challenge is how to balance this dogmatic advice with a) the dating pool in your city and b) your own personality.

For example, The Rules tells women not to ever accept a date if the man gives you less than four days' notice. To which women inevitably say, 'I don't know a single man that would ever give four days notice! if I listen to these dumb bitches Ii'll never get a date!'

On the other hand, any smart woman knows a man will only put forth as much effort as you require him to. So if you don't insist on notice, you'll never get it. All the same, four days seems a bit extreme, no? So where does the solution lie? Somewhere in between I guess.

The main point that all these books make (and yes, I have read them all) is that men are hunters and without the chase they get bored. So women can't be too available. Which I think is absolutely true. It's in the execution that problems begin:

'Invite a man over for dinner and when he gets there pop a bag of microwave popcorn. Put it in a bowl if he's really special'?
That's pretty extreme. A woman reads something like that and just gives up because the shit is so improbable.

'When the cheque comes for dinner, don't even look at it and under no circumstances make an attempt to pay it'
Most men I know expect a woman to at least offer, even when she knows her offer won't be accepted.

'Don't be funny. Funny is masculine'
But what if you're just a funny person?

At one point in my life I gave up on these games altogether. I decided to just 'be myself' and 'be real' and lay my feelings and availabilities on the line without agenda or strategy. I considered it a social experiment and if you've been paying attention you know how that worked out.

So are games the answer for women? I'm not convinced. I think that what the problem is - and what these books ignore - is the way in which a woman will prioritize a man; right from the very beginning. She can be in the middle of a serious conversation with a friend and if Mr. New Dude calls on the other line, she'll drop everything to take the call. And once she has him on the phone, she's not switching over to answer a beep. She'll blow off plans with her friends for a date with dude and not think twice about it.

If I ever wrote a dating advice book, it would be one line long - live your life, girl. If you're on the phone and he beeps in, send his ass to voicemail just like you would your mother. If he hits you on BBM while you're sleeping, sleep. If you have plans with your friends, go about your business and let him catch you another time. You don't need to invent a life just to trick a man into thinking you're interesting and desirable, just live the one you have so that you actually will be.

That's my two cents. Post yours in the comments.

Shy My A$$

When you are a woman who refuses to ask a man out like me, you will inevitably spend a lot of time wondering why the object of your desire hasn't made a move yet. And if you are like most women, you and your girlfriends will spend even more time coming up with explanations as to why he's not asking you out. Beside the obvious, that is. 

The explanations women will come up with run the gamut from he's intimidated (but SBM already dispelled that myth) to he's dense to my personal favourite: he's shy. At which point I call bullshit.

Yup. I don't believe there's such a thing as a shy man. Call me what you will, but I just don't buy it.  Why? Read on.

According to dictionary.com, shy is defined like this:

Shy, bashful, diffident:  imply a manner that shows discomfort or lack of confidence in association with others. Shy implies a constitutional shrinking from contact or close association with others, together with a wish to escape notice: shy and retiring. Bashful suggests timidity about meeting others, and trepidation and awkward behavior when brought into prominence or notice.

A man, shy? Please! 

Now I know your little fingers are all in a frenzy getting ready to type your comments. In them, you will tell me that you can give me countless examples of men that you know personally who are really shy.  And do you know what I will tell you? Here's what I will tell you:

Think of every man you consider shy. Picture him asking a woman out on a date. Oh your sympathetic little woman-heart bleeds for him doesn't it? It's charming. Now picture that same man in a job interview, on the basketball court, asking his boss for a raise, at the strip club, hanging with his friends, at his company's holiday party, asking a sales associate for help in a department store. Is he still sniveling? Are his hands still shaking? No? Then he's not shy - he's just lazy. 

See here's the thing about shyness. If you read the definition closely, you'll notice that it's not situational in nature; shy is shy. A man who is "shy" when he has to ask a woman out but is not shy when he has to talk to his boss is not shy. He's just unmotivated.  Unlike women, whose shyness tends to be universal - if they're shy with men they're also shy with co-workers, friends, store staff, and prospective employers - men's shyness tends to be situational. As in, a man is only shy when faced with a woman that he just doesn't want badly enough.  Because if he did, he would access his stones and use them as fuel to get off his ass and make a move.

Shy my ass I say.

Come on - tell me I'm wrong.

Getting in F*cking Shape

You met him. You charmed him. You’ve tweeted, texted, and talked. Been on the requisite number of dates. And now the big day is here. He’s coming over and you’re gonna bone.

Now it’s time to prepare. And what do women do to get ready for imminent sex?

Some run straight for the nearest pot of hot wax.

Some head to Bed, Bath, and Beyond for crisp new sheets and Lavender Linen Water.

(And some of those gals follow that up with a trip to Shopper’s to get some powder for those new sheets)

They head to Bath & Bodyworks for some yummy-smelling candles.

Some women head to La Perla for some yummy-looking lingerie.

Really keen women head to iTunes to download slowjams.

Progressive women head to Shopper's to stock up on condoms.

Really progressive women head to Shopper's to stock up on lube.

Other women exfoliate every inch and break out the special occasion body butter.

Some women do all of that and more.

All women clean their place, hide their maxi-pads and pictures of their ex, and apply perfume in the places they want to be kissed.

Good lord I’m tired just typing that. How these women go through all that prep work and still have energy for the beats is beyond me. Especially considering that 90% of men don’t notice or care about 90% of the stuff women do to prepare for sex. Don’t believe me? Ask a man.

When a man is about to have long-anticipated first time sex, this is what he cares about:

Paranoid dudes want to make sure you’re really alone and no one is going to bust in on him mid-thrust.

Nasty boys want to know if you have hand towels so they can give their balls a quick wash in your sink before the main event.

Pervy boys are wondering if they’re gonna get some ass. In the literal sense of the word.

Men who have been burned in the past are just hoping that they won’t discover a foul and mysterious odour when they remove your panties.

And all men are hoping they’re gonna get head.

As you can see, the prep work women do and the things men worry about are not exactly convergent. Which is why I skip all the décor and lingerie and all that. There is only one must-do on my pre sex list and that is stretching. Yes, stretching. I want to make sure I’m limber for the main event. There’s nothing worse than cramping up when a man tries to throw your leg over his shoulder, please believe that.

And you know, I’ve never had a man say “gee Max it’s nice that you’re all naked and flexible and shit but next time do you think you could light a candle or two?”

That’s it. Happy Friday everyone.

The Ladylike Chronicles

I decided to switch things up around here and start a new post series. Welcome to The Ladylike Chronicles. Yesterday's post about whether a raunchy bigmouth such as myself will ever find love inspired a lot of interesting discussion. But as much as I love the idea that "just being myself" will result in men falling at my feet completely enthralled with my comfort in my own skin, I'm still calling bullshit on 95% of yesterday's comments.

So I've decided to do an experiment: being ladylike in my dealings with men to prove that it will yield superior results to being myself.

The target: A dude who has only encountered my friendly side and not my loud and dirty side.

Codename: Fire

The situation thus far: Fire and LadyGirl (that's me) have met, chatted a couple of times, and exchanged a couple of email messages. He has not at all been exposed to my unladylike side.

The mission: Behave like a proper lady in my dealings with the target and see if he asks me out. I will be feminine, polite, and demure. I will not swear. I will not start my sentences with "dude" (thanks hl_bb) and under no circumstances will I use a "dirty" word. And he will obviously know nothing about this blog.

Measure of success: A date

This ought to be fun. If you have tips for me, share them in the comments.

Not Such a Proper Young Lady

Some tidbits about me:

Among my favourite songs (click title to read the lyrics):

Wildflower - Ghostface Killah

Stapleton Sex - Ghostface Killah

Oochie Wally - QB's Finest

Big Booty Hoes - Notorious B.I.G. & Too $hort

Among my favourite words:

cock

cunt

fuckery

pussy

basically every dirty word known to man (©emti)

Among my favourite movies:

Doggystyle

It may surprise you to know that I was raised to be a proper young lady. At thirteen I was being taught how to walk in heels (with books on my head), how to sit properly, how to apply makeup and tweeze my brows. I was never supposed to be seen in public not dressed "properly" or with my hair not "properly" done. If I were to smoke (which a proper young lady should never do) I was to never, ever allow someone to take a picture of me with a cigarette in my hand because that is the epitome of unladylike. I learned that it's not ladylike to curse, raise your voice, or remove your shoes in public.

Yeah so um, if you've been on this blog even once before I'm sure you know how most of that turned out. With the exception of my fierce stiletto walk and aversion to people being barefoot in public, most of my ladylike training went out the window a long time ago. Though sometimes shy, I can be brash, bold, abrasive, loud, and downright raunchy when I'm ready. In a nutshell, I like dirty words, dirty songs, and dirty boys.

I have always considered my perpetually single status to be completely incidental to my unladylike personality. But lately I've been wondering whether the two might be connected. On the one hand, I've seen many times a man's eyes light up when he hears me say something like 'that's a lot of work for some pussy'. And lord knows my male friends love to hear me tell them 'you gotta learn how to treat a ho like a ho!' not that they ever listen. It is an indisputable fact of life that real men delight in my special brand of bold raunchiness.

It is also a fact though that these men are not trying to date me. And it's also a fact that the women they are trying to date are not raunchy like me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not without behaviour. I know that there is a time and a place for this kind of talk and I can squelch it and do the 'proper Christian lady' routine when required; but it's not me and I don't do it unless I have to. But I'm wondering if my idea of  'when I have to' might be a little off.  I know enough to leave raunchy max at home when I'm meeting my man's mother for the first time, but should I leave her home when I meet him? When I meet his friends? For the duration of our relationship?  If I want to be a wifey do I have to first be a lady?

The older I get the more I think that what my mother and aunties taught me as a teen was the right idea. I think that being bold, outspoken, and dirty will gain you many male friends but not a husband. Not that I'm in any way looking for that.  But just like I'm starting to think that crazy gets the guy, I'm starting to also believe that lady gets the guy.

As always ladies and gentlemen, I want to hear your thoughts. You guys have been extra quiet lately and it's hurting my feelings. So tell me ladies, is being ladylike important to you? Do you strive to appear ladylike with a prospective date even if it's not your true nature? Do you let a man see your rough side? Men - is being ladylike an important quality in a prospective wifey? A prospective beat? Ooops - a proper young lady wouldn't refer to a woman as a beat, would she? Anyway - educate me people. 

Oh and Sam Sharpe I'm calling you out again - you gave me a good answer last night on twitter but share it here again for your fans please.

Baby What's Your Sign?

It's the beginning of the month and you know what that means right? Time to check out the monthly forecast on AstrologyZone.com of course. As a new month draws near, I find myself reviewing the current month's forecast to see whether what she predicted actually came to pass and I start to get antsy waiting for the next month's predictions to roll through.

Yup, I admit it. I believe in astrology. I know this officially makes me a girl but I cannot lie.

When I'm feeling a man, one of the first things I want to know about him is his sign. Not to tell me whether he's worth pursuing, but to help me devise a strategy to get him to pursue me. My experience - and this handy tool - have shown me that different signs respond best to different tactics.  For example, if you want to seduce a Pisces man, you want to tread lightly with him. If you push too hard that little fishie will swim away. On the other hand, if you want to seduce a Libra man you have to go a little hard at him; we Libras are well-known for our dithering.

But what about once we've captured our prey? Does our astrological compatibility affect our relationships? I'm no expert, but I do know this: the last two relationships I had were with Leo men. And they were basically the exact same relationship. Same issues, same fights, same reason for their ultimate demise. There is something about a Leo-Libra combination that just does not work for me. I've also had more than one almost-relationships with fellow Libra dudes but two Libras together is also not a good combination - nobody has the balls to make a move.

Now before Sam Sharpe comes to school me in the comments, let me be clear: I'm aware that there are many other factors that influence a relationship and its outcomes and that there are a lot of other things that could explain why I couldn't make it work with my Leo loves such as they were assholes. But at the same time I just don't think it's a coincidence. I know that I am the living manifestation of everything you read about Libra women - maybe because what I've read has influenced my behaviour - and I've yet to meet a man whose behaviour was diametrically opposed to his astrological profile. So until someone proves me wrong, I'm going to continue to use astrology as the cornerstone of my seduction strategy.

What do you guys think? Does astrology matter to you in courting or relationshps? Am I full of shit? Educate me.

And shout out to @PKGM and @MizzLoveLippz for making me blog rather than going to bed at 7:00pm last night. I'm looking at you two bitches for comments.