Your 101 Guide to Head

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If there is one truth to life as a single woman, it is this: into every girl's mouth a penis must eventually be placed. Whether you're a special-occasion kinda gal who fails at life only brings out the blow jobs on birthdays and anniversaries or a human vacuum who is never happier than when she has something to suck on, you can't really get through singledom without giving a little head.

But it can be a pretty daunting thing sometimes, can't it? Putting aside the issue of hygiene and possibly having to ingest something that tastes like warm salty laundry detergent, figuring out how to give your guy a good head job can be confusing as sh*t if you don't know what you're doing. Or if you didn't have me to tell you. Luckily you do so here it is: a 101 Guide to Giving Head

1. Be enthusiastic...or at least seem like it

There is no point to being down there if you're gonna be mad about it. If you can't summon the enthusiasm on your own, just conjure up your favourite porn star and throw out a few well-timed moans. This makes your man feel like his penis is the best thing to hit your mouth since your last piece of chocolate, and a man who is getting head is dumb enough to believe that might be true. If that isn't enough to get you turned on, you might try thinking about it in terms of power; you are never more in control of your man than when you have his brain in your mouth. Whatever spin you have to take, be happy you're down there or don't bother going.

2. No teeth...unless they ask for it

99.9% of men are going to tell you they don't want to feel your teeth on their piece. Even if you're not biting it, the first little graze they feel is going to make him freak out and go soft and then you'll have to work overtime to restore the bone. So do him a favour and save yourself the extra work by keeping your teeth well away from his peen.

3.Don't ignore the balls...if for no other reason than to give yourself a break

Here's the thing about balls: men really like it when you put them in your mouth. Sound disgusting? Well, it kinda is but here's the other great thing about balls: they're a lot easier to suck on than a penis. So when your jaw starts to get tired, a quick trip down to the sack region makes it all okay.

4. Don't rule out swallowing

I know, I know it's nasty. But they really, really like it. So do your best. Unless it will make you vomit, in which case you can skip it and just let him shoot his wad on your face instead.

5. Make it look good

Realistically, has any man ever complained about getting head because she didn't make it look good? Probably not, so this is for my advance ladies or those of you who are gunning for an engagement ring have some kind of compelling reason to make a really good impression. If you want to go that extra mile, consider the esthetics of the thing. Watch some porn and see how good those ladies look while they're giving head, and then try to emulate that in real life.

6. Establish a rhythm

You know when you're in bed with a dude and he's doing something that is winning? And you say "keep doing exactly that" or "don't stop", which causes him to immediately stop, change pace, or otherwise eff up the wave you were riding? It sucks right? Yeah same thing applies here. Don't jump wildly from one technique to the next with no rhyme or reason. It confuses them and just makes your job longer.

7. A whole lotta spit

The penis is a delicate thing and if you're gonna be rubbing and tugging on it you want to make sure it feels nice. Dry dicks don't feel nice. So make sure you lube that sucker up good. I'm not suggesting you hawk one on him like they do in the pornos (unless you're into that) but make sure the area is well-lubricated.

Ladies did I miss anything? Men what do you think of my tips? And let me send a special shout out to my all-time favourite reader who provided invaluable insight into this post.