Max in Real Life - I Hate the Phone!

Have you nominated me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

If you judged me solely on the content of this blog, you would think that I live an interesting and sometimes dramatic life filled with bad boys and good sex. The reality however, is slightly less exciting. Yes I do have a little less than my fair share of good sex with inappropriate dudes, but in general my life is comprised of 7:00pm bedtimes, Cheerios eaten in bed, and book-buying sprees at my neighbourhood Goodwill. Without tarnishing your image of me as a wanton sex goddess too greatly, I thought I'd start a new Thursday series - Max in Real Life - where I talk about anything other than men, sex, and dating.

Today I want to talk about the phone. I love my phone, but I hate talking on the phone even more than I hate 5:45am workouts. I hate it more than girls who cry after sex, more than busy dudes, I even hate it more than panty meats. And you know how much I hate a panty meat.

Unfortunately, I have been blessed with a group of friends who - despite being otherwise superior human beings - effing love the phone. Their penchant for wiling away hours on the phone coupled with my puss-puss inability to extricate myself from said idle chit chat creates a big problem.

At first I sucked it up and stayed on the phone for as long as the conversations lasted. But then I would look at the time and see that 1, 2, 3 hours had gone by and heave a huge sigh. With a burning cheek and ear I would look over at my unread book, my unwritten blog post, my unfolded laundry, and bemoan the phone vortex that sucked away all my time and energy.

Then I implemented a unilateral no-phone-answering policy. Calls from known time-suckers were summarily ignored. If I had the idea that they might have been calling for a real reason, I would text or BBM asking what was up. This was met by all manner of rude and ignorant responses and that mission was quickly aborted as well.

I resumed accepting all phone calls on good faith that my friends would respect my feelings about the phone and not call me just so I could listen to them breathe as they watched tv, read emails, or talk to other people in the room. That went okay for a while but a recent 3-hour long call with a girlfriend (who then had the audacity to call me back twice more that night) showed me that the situation was becoming out of control. A few weeks later I was on the phone while doing my post-workout stretching and realized that this is a crisis…

Now before I continue, let me explain to my phone-loving readers why I hate talking on the phone so much. For one thing, it’s a time-sucker. I’ll get on the phone thinking it’s going to just be a quick chat and next thing I know the whole afternoon has passed and I’ve accomplished nothing.

Second, phone conversations don’t really lend themselves well to multi-tasking. I’ve tried eating while on the phone, masturbating while on the phone, reading while on the phone, and watching TV while on the phone and none of those activities are anywhere near as pleasurable as they are on their own.

Third, it feels like jail to me. I’m sorry, but it just does. When I’m on the phone for more than 10 minutes, I feel trapped, caged in, imprisoned. No matter whom I’m talking to, no matter what I’m talking about, at least 25% of my brain is wondering how the fuck I can get off this call without hurting anyone’s feelings.

I hate talking on the phone.

The other day I announced on Twitter that I was implementing a “no-phone calls after 7:00pm” policy. I think this is a fair compromise – if you have something to say to me you have the hours of 5:00am – 7:00pm in which to do so. My twitterfriends who don’t have my phone number applauded this rule, while my real-life friends called it rude and dumb. Rude and dumb it may be, but last night, each time my phone rang after 7:00pm and I pressed that beautiful button that silences the ringer, I smiled.

What about you guys? Does anyone feel me on this or am I getting a collective side-eye right now? Tell me how you feel about the phone.


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.