The Substitute Dude

It's that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

To succeed as a single woman, a gal needs a lot of tools. These range from the esthetic - the perfect lip gloss (yes Skye you do need this),  f*ck-me shoes, and a f*ck-me dress - to psychological warfare such as The Rules.  But there is no greater tool in a woman's arsenal than the substitute man.

What? You don't know about the substitute man? Well you're in luck ladies because I'm about to school you. And men you should listen too so you can recognize the signs you might be on substitute status.

The substitute man has one purpose - to stop a girl from f*cking things up with her man of choice. He's used in the early stages; when you've just met someone and he's all you can think about. All you want to do is talk to him, internet stalk him and talk about him. Unfortunately, this precarious stage of your relationship requires you to be strategic in your dealings with him; we all know there are strict rules about when and how often you can contact a new dude...no matter how much you're dying to talk to him. This is the "new dude burn" and it stings like a motherf*cker.

What a lot of ladies do when they start to feel the burn is barrage their girlfriends with talk. They want to analyze every word of every exchange, examine the significance of his Facebook profile picture, and pick apart every nuance of every text message. But while this mental masturbation is highly engrossing to you, it's crashingly boring for your bestie. In the best of circumstances you're gonna get a week tops of obsessing before your bff cuts you off....and then what do you do?

You get a substitute dude.

A substitute dude is someone mild to moderately interesting that you can entertain yourself with to minimize the new dude burn. Not a friend, but not a real contender; the substitute dude's role is basically the potential new relationship that you sabotage by not being strategic. This is the guy that you can call every day just to say hi, languish with for hours on the phone, and accept invitations from with no notice without worrying that you're making yourself too available.

Finding a substitute dude is pretty straightforward; all you have to do is find a polite, decent-looking dude who displays even a modicum of interest in you. Don't worry if he doesn't approach you; you can make a move on him because it doesn't matter if you give up your power. That's the beauty of the substitute dude - you can relax, be yourself, and put your copy of Why Men Love Bitches away for a little while.

Once you have your substitute dude in place here's what you do: every time you get to feening for your new dude and reach for the phone to send him a "I had a dream about you" text; send it to substitute dude instead. It's Saturday night and you want to try out dinner at Noir - don't ask new dude, invite substitute dude. You're bored and feel like having a marathon phone call with a man? Call substitute dude.

A few key things to keep in mind though when selecting your substitute. First, don't pick someone too hot or too busy; he'll retreat from your advances and next thing you know you'll be sweating him instead of new dude. Second, make sure he's interested in you - this is a distraction, not a campaign. Third, don't mislead substitute dude. I mean obviously you don't let him know that you're using him he's on substitute status, but don't give him the idea that you're trying to wife him either. That's just mean.

The substitute dude is a brilliant strategy because it accomplishes three things in one. He gasses up your head, distracts you from new dude, and fills up your time so that you naturally become less available - and infinitely more desirable - to new dude. How brilliant is that?

And in case you're wondering if this strategy isn't just a trifle mean - shamelessly using the substitute dude to further your cause with the man you really want? The answer is yes. But for one thing, any dude to gets himself sucked into substitute status basically brought it on himself by being too receptive to the girl's advances.  I mean really - a girl who is that into you right out of the gate should always be a red flag for you because there's never a good reason for that. And also, don't think of the substitute dude as a human being who may be hurt by your actions, think of him as collateral damage in the battle of dating.

Insert evil laugh here.

Oh and men if you're wondering whether you're on substitute status there are two signs: 1. the girl you just met (who more than likely is wildly out of your league) is all up on your nuts with seemingly no agenda and no games.  2. the girl who was all up on your nuts for weeks suddenly disappears. When you finally get a hold of her she tells you she can't hang out because she has a boyfriend. Has this ever happened to you? And you wondered how the hell she found time to get a boyfriend when she was talking and hanging out with you so much? Well now you know.

So ladies tell me - do you use a substitute dude to get over the new dude burn? Does it work for you? Men - I'm pretty sure you don't need to do this, but please let me know if I'm wrong.


And don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.