Sending Your Coochie Through the Mail

With all the talk we've been doing about thirst these days (see this and this if you need to get caught up) I thought it might be a good idea to devote this week's nasty Friday to a cause very near and dear to my heart...the implications of sending your coochie through the mail. Also known as a thirsty trick's signature move.

Now I warned you ladies a while back about what happens when you send c-u-next tuesday shots to the wrong dude. If you weren't paying attention, let me say this:. no woman has ever sent me a picture of her downthere, yet I have seen a lot of pussy shots in my life. You do the math because we all know I can't.

That being said, even I can't deny that a coochie shot will get a man's attention pretty quickly. Whether it's the right kind of attention is a different post for a different day. So if you're going to go ahead and send your man a special gift, please take note of the following guidelines.

1. Strictly for live men, not for freshmen 

All of which is to say that a coochie shot is ultra, ultra, ultra VIP status. More than head, more than anal, more than tossed salads; this is for special people only. Vag shots are not business cards; do not print them by the hundreds and distribute to anyone who expresses a passing interest. I beg you.

1. Give a man a little warning nah?

Now I shouldn't have to tell you this. I really should not. But if you are emailing a picture of your ladyflower to someone; please choose a descriptive subject line or throw in a NSFW. Unless you're comfortable with the idea that anyone could be peering over his shoulder when he opens the attachment; in which case you have issues.

Oh - and a note about attachments; learn the word re-size please ladies. The picture does not have to be life-sized, okay?

2. Photoshop is your friend

We are not all Kwesi Abbensetts. Our pictures - especially taken ourselves with sub-standard cameras - will not always look so cute. Please familiarize yourself with filters on Photoshop...a little sepia or soft-focus will do your cooch a lot of favours.

3. You can't take it back

Now a true gentleman will receive your pictures, look at them fondly, and then delete them before anything happens to them. But you and I know there is a dearth of gentleman in this world so please remember this: once you send that picture you really have no control over what happens to it. There is no undo. And there is no un-seeing what we already saw. So when if he shows it to his friends, all the yelling in the world won't change a thing. And when if he dumps you for the regular chick down the road, blowing him up with demands that he delete all the pictures is not gonna do you any good.

4. Please groom yourself

Now you guys know I rate a bushy snatch, but please make sure you've done some grooming on your shit before you start sending pics out. An ungroomed pu$$y is not sexy.

5. No Face

I shouldn't have to tell you this. No really - I should not have to tell you this. But I'm gonna tell you this: do not put your face in that picture. Just trust me on this.

And just let me stress to you one last time how much I urge you not to do this.

So ladies, what do you think? Would you/have you sent your coochie through the mail? What are your rules about it? Men - I don't even know what to ask you about this but you've been quiet around here lately so say your piece in the comments.

Top 10 Songs You Don't Know

Those of you who know me in real life know that I walk pretty much everywhere I go; therefore my iPod is my constant companion and very best friend. It's filled to capacity with songs for every occasion...from songs that relieve my streetcar irritation (Mobb Deep - Drink Away the Pain) to songs that um, get my motor running (Glenn Lewis - Storm) to songs that soothe my frequent headaches (Foreign Exchange - Daykeeper). It's also filled with some pretty obscure shit that I feel like no one else has ever heard of.

For some strange reason, it saddens me that the songs that give me the most pleasure seem to not have penetrated the consciousness of anyone else I know so I thought I'd share some of them with you in the hopes that you will either reassure me that someone else knows them or that you will come to love them as I do.

So without further ado (because I'm posting this on my iPhone and it's labour-intensive as hell) I give you 10 Songs I Love That You Probably Don't Know:

1. Yeo - Cam'ron

I discovered this on a compilation called Music Inspired by Scarface or something like that. In my humble opinion, it's by far the best song Cam'ron ever made.

2. Extortion - Mobb Deep feat. Method Man

I effing love this song. Meth at his greatest as far as I'm concerned. And you guys know I love me some Mobb Deep.

3. Break Ups 2 Make Ups - Method Man feat. D'Angelo

I'm not the hugest Method Man fan, but I do often find his lyrics hilarious and this is a good example of that. D'Angelo warbles unintelligibly in the chorus as usual.

4. Young G's - Puff Daddy feat. Jay-Z and Biggie

This is everything you'd want a song by these three to be.

5. Ghost - Rick Vocals & Champions - Dame Dash

These are both from the soundtrack of Paid in Full. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person on earth who ever bought that. Plus Champions features vintage Kanye.

6. Cold World - GZA & Winter Warz - Ghostface feat. just about everyone

Two of my favorite songs ever...but no one ever talks about them.

7. Fulton Street - Leshea

Remember that song So Good by Davina? This song is dope in the same way that one is.

8. Blaow - Frank n Dank

I was including this as a nod to Canadian content...but since Frank and Drank are both yanks (hahaha) I'm not sure it qualifies. Either way this is a great song.

9. She Was - Big Black Lincoln

Okay this is CanCon for real. If you don't love this song, listen to it again. If you don't own Heavens Caught on Fire you're missing out.

10. 1, 2, Pass It - D&D All-Stars

This is a big tune. That's all.

Oh wait - I forgot one! Kiss of Death - Jadakiss. He has two songs called Kiss of Death, don't ask me why. But the one I'm talking about is from Rough Riders Vol. I. Great song that no one else seems to know.

So that's my list. Any of you know or love these songs? What songs do you love that everyone else sleeps on? School us in the comments.

Things You Can Blame on My Ex

Like any evolved human being, I’m on a constant quest to improve and grow as I travel down life’s long road. I try to cultivate good habits and phase out bad ones except smoking; I love smoking and recognize the roots and triggers of my behaviour. I also try to get rid of as much past relationship baggage as I can. All things considered, I think I travel pretty light for a perpetually single girl staring 35 in the face.

Lately though as I’ve been scrambling for more past experiences to exploit in this blog giving my past some deep thought; I’ve realized that I do have some ways that can be directly attributed to my past experiences in relationships. But I’m not sure whether that’s such a bad thing.

And as with anything I can’t make my mind up about, I figured, why not blog about it? So without further ado, I give you Things You Can Blame on My Ex. You guys tell me whether I should try to overcome them or thank the asshole ex who caused them.

1. I don’t know when to pack it in

Most of you guys have heard this story enough times that I don't need to go into much detail here...threw in the towel with my first love way too early, regretted it for the rest of my life, blah blah blah. Ever since that happened,I have this pathological need to see every significant relationship through to its bitterest end. Although I'm good at counseling people to recognize signs of trouble ahead and get out early; I seem to stick around until I'm a beaten and bloody mess. Which obviously means I endure a little more pain than necessary; but then again when all is said and done and I finally do move on it's without a backward glance, because I know for sure I did all I could.

2. I cannot handle bad manners

Most of the men I've been in relationships with started out with bad manners; not returning phone calls in a timely manner, showing up late, not calling the day after the first slam and just being generally unreliable. But like many stupid women, I dismissed it as it being too early in the relationship to concern myself about these things; only to end up with the same behaviours repeated ad nauseum as the relationship progressed. These days you get only a few chances before I dismiss you as a jackass and relegate you to jump-off status.

3. I don't do secret relationships

Although I respect the inclination to keep one's private life private and have experienced on more than one occasion the damage that gossip can do; I do not rate a man who wants to keep his affection for me a secret. If we're just boning that's one thing - I have as much to gain by holding that down as you do. But if it means something; we're friends, we're dating, we're falling in love and you a)ask me not to tell anyone or b)are going to lengths to make sure no one knows, you fail at life and I'm taking my goodness elsewhere. I just can't with that situation ever again.

5. I don't sneak around

I can keep a secret, but I don't like doing it. So I don't do things that necessitate being sneaky. If I'm in a relationship and I don't want to be monogamous; I just say so. That way I don't have to hide the fact that I'm sleeping with your homeboy seeing other people. If I write a salacious blog that gives immature men that I'm a big whore-bag; I'm not hiding it. Oh wait - yes I am. Scratch that one. But you get what I'm saying.

6. I don't (blindly) trust my girlfriends

I learned this one from a dude I dated who was a spectacular asshole but opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I was oblivious to. Things like girlfriends who encourage you to break up with your man because he's a player but then are quick to press up on him once you turn your head. Or just single and miserable girls who will sabotage your relationship just so they can have company on their girls-only flex. And things like girls will flat-out lie to your face just to salt up you relationship if they have a "reason" to.

Sidebar: the friends I have are different now than the ones I had when I was learning these tough lessons. I don't think these ones would pull this shit. But still...

So what do you guys think? Should I be working harder to unload the baggage that my exes have left me with or are these lessons worth applying to my current life? What good/bad ways do you have that you can attribute to your ex? Speak on it in the comments.

The Art of the Chase (Throwback Tuesdays)

aIn the old days, when I had my eye on a dude, I had one strategy: shameless and reckless pursuit. And although this method made for some great stories, it never really yielded optimal results.

But what is the right way to chase a man? And should we even be doing it? He’s Just Not that Into You says no. The whole premise of the book is that the excuses that women make for why men aren’t making an effort with them are just so much bullshit and if he was really into you he would make the effort. So should we women just leave it all in their hands?

Consider this scenario: a few years ago I got the feeling that a casual acquaintance of mine was flirting with me. I was getting vibes but I wasn’t quite certain where he was going with it – was he interested? was he just a flirt? was I reading into things? was he too shy to make a move? I just didn’t know and didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself by making a move on him. The whole thing would probably have fizzled out without anything significant happening had my uber-brilliant sister not stepped in. She mentioned to him at a party that if he wanted to make a move on me, she would be okay with that. And what do you know? A couple of days later he asked me out and everything was lovely after that (until we split up and he married someone else but that’s another story).

Knowing what I know about that dude now, I know that he would never have asked me out if my sister hadn’t let him know that his advances would be welcomed. So does that mean that he just wasn’t that into me? Or was that me/my sister taking a participatory role in the courtship dance rather than putting all the responsibility on the man?

Most women believe that men are dense. So we don’t believe that smiling with our eyes is enough for them to get the message. Instead we offer our numbers, ask for theirs, find them on facebook, befriend their friends, hunt them down at parties, and otherwise make ourselves so available that the man basically has to alter his behavioural patterns to get away from us. Ladies, I have something to tell you: shameless and reckless pursuit is not the business

Men are hunters and we must give them the opportunity to do that. Otherwise they just get bored and we have to work overtime to maintain their interest.

I have a new strategy these days and it goes like this: I give a man three signs that I would be open to his advances. Three subtle signs. If he doesn’t catch on after that he’s either a) too stupid for me or b)not interested in me and he either gets demoted to jump-off status or erased from my radar.

Ladies, how do you chase? Men, how do you like to be chased?

5 Dudes I Can't Stand

So we've talked about dudes I can't find and dudes I won't date....let's spend some time talking about my least favourite dudes...the dudes who make me want to kick them in the seeds and howl with glee as they writhe on the floor in agony. The dudes who aren't putting one single grain in my sugar bowl, no matter how low my blood sugar gets. The dudes I simply cannot stand.

1. The dusty foot philosopher

I hate a dusty foot philosopher. You know these guys. They're full of theories and "wisdom" that, when placed under the harsh light of reality, really don't amount to shit. 

These guys are most likely to come in two forms: there is the uber-spiritual, poor man's Dalai Lama, Rev. Run wannabe type that spout "inspirational" quotes and words of wisdom. Which in itself is not a bad thing; but if all you're ever able to express is platitudes, please don't come sit by me. That shit is boring as hell.

Then there are the "marketing and branding" types that are forever giving you "their" point of view on the latest social media craze, or dropping science about the Old Spice dude...or telling you how to preserve your personal brand on twitter. Which would be useful information if I hadn't just finished reading it in Advertising Age. Come back when you have an original thought okay?

3. The deflecting dude

Nothing is ever this guy's fault. He shows up an hour late for the date? It's your fault because you didn't text him the directions. He impregnated his side piece? It's her fault for not being on the pill. You beat him at Madden because you left the curtains open too wide and the sun got in his eyes and he pissed all over the toilet seat because you left it down.

While I have to give this guy points for originality, it's really tiresome to be with anyone who can't take responsibility for their actions....but when it's a man it's just too much. Get thee gone deflecting dude!

4. The relentless dude

This guy will not let it go. He's the guy that wants to chat you down when you're rushing home from work in the middle of a torrential rainstorm..."what you can't take a minute to say hi? Let me just walk with you then. Oh you gotta go? Well hit me with your number right quick". Or the dude who can't stop trying to convince you that Lebron is the greatest of all time even after you've told him repeatedly you don't give a shit. The one that won't stop pushing your head southward after you've told him you don't do that.  The one who will forever text you, DM you, call you, email you asking for sex no matter how many times you tell him it won't happen. The relentless dude is a disrespectful motherfcuker and he doesn't even know it. Back up off me relentless one!

5. The sometime-ish dude

Sometimes this guy want to fcuk you, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he'll speak to you, sometimes he won't. This is the guy who will text you after not hearing from him in months, engage you in a furious exchange of witty banter, and then disappear; never to be heard from again until the next time. This is the dude who goes from all up in your crotches to treating you like some gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe in 0.05 seconds. This guy sucks and the only cure for a sometimes dude is to turn him into a no-times dude; as in you don't have anything to do with him. Ever. At which point he will probably turn into a relentless dude.


5. The can't admit he just wants to f*ck dude.

Oh lord this guy kills me. This dude only just wants to bone you. And there is nothing wrong with that...I mean nothing that happens between a man and woman can be more beautiful than a little bit of pipe. But if poon is all you want then just say so. Grown up ladies can handle it. But no - this guy wants to pretend to be your friend, pretend to date you, pretend to care about your feelings and then up and disappear after you've given up the goods. And even then still won't admit that secks was all he wanted! I hate this dude and I'm done talking about him.

Okay that's my list - what kind of dudes can't you ladies stand? And men I know you have some ladies you're not effing with...share in the comments.

Who Doesn't Masturbate?!? (a collabo post)

Time's running out for Black Weblog Awards nominations...get your instructions over here.

If you guys have been paying attention around here, you know two things: first, that I'm a highly sexed girl and second that I'm on a celibacy kick. And if you guys are as smart as I believe you are, you already know that horny + celibacy = excessive masturbation. Now I know that how and when and why we masturbate should be an intensely personal thing. But as you know, Fridays are for over-sharing around here so let's talk, shall we?

Anyone who follows me on twitter has seen me tweet about going to paint my nails pretty much every night. Now my nails are nice, but they don't require that much upkeep. See "painting my nails" is a handy little euphemism for masturbating that I picked up from the wildly inappropriate lovely and talented @RealTalkSuki.  So yeah - there's a fair amount of choking of chickens and spanking of sheep going on at casa maxfab...and I'm not embarrassed about at all. Masturbation is a beautiful thing; a healthy thing. It makes everything from a headache to a broken toe feel better. It wakes you up when you're sleepy and calms you down when you're hyper. Yes I love myself at least once a day and I think you all should too.

As a matter of fact, I don't trust people who don't masturbate. I think it's weird. Actually - let's be real here. I think people who don't masturbate have issues. I'm sorry but it just doesn't make sense to me. I mean really - we all agree that nothing feels better than an orgasm, right? So if you have the ability to give yourself one whenever and wherever you want, why on earth would you deny yourself that pleasure? That doesn't make sense.

Until fairly recently, I thought that people who don't masturbate were either liars or severely arthritic. Until I realized that I have a real-live non-masturbater in my very own circle of girlfriends. Honestly if I didn't like her so much I would have cut her off dead for that. Imagine my astonishment. This girl - a talented writer, a most hilarious tweeter, and a dear and loving friend...does not masturbate. Like - ever.

The shit baffles my mind so much I had no choice but to bring her on here to explain herself. Here she is Ms Non-Masturbation, Nick:

My girl max thinks I'm crazy and I'm sure she's got people behind her ready to say the same thing. I'm ready to hear the explanations, but hear me out first.

 

Please understand, I'm not trying to convert those that "polish themselves off" (I don't think I could) weekly (or even daily) but I'm saying...I.JUST.DON'T.GET IT... I don't understand the big deal about masturbation. I mean I get the basic gist of it, but it doesn't DO anything for me. It takes away all of the guesswork. Half the fun of foreplay (and chex) for me is the guessing. I like not knowing what's coming next. I'm playing a little game of "which way's he going?" in my head. "Left, left left, OH SNAP, he went RIGHT!" I can't get that guesswork if it's my hand that's dealing with me. You see, somewhere along the lines, my brain sent a message to my hand saying which way to move, and I'm fully aware of which way I'm about to go. There's no element of surprise, no "Ta Daaa!" and for me, that doesn't make much sense. *Kanye shrug* I need something to keep me on my toes. And yes, i realize that i need to "know my body" (and other things people say) in order to fully know how to be pleased. But I just don't see it.

  I don't like teasing myself. I'm very much a person that's "don't tell me what you're gonna do, come over and do it!"  Teasing does nothing but get me annoyed. I don't have this buildup of hormones that needs to be released. When I'm not having chex, that's just it, I'm not having chex. I don't think about it, and it's off my mind. Touching myself is a recipe for no finale.. and I don't LIKE when there's no finale. I'm not close-minded to it, I just haven't seen where it helps me. I CAN say that a good gchat session can get me randy, but then what am I supposed to do with that "Rand?" I don't want the startup if there's gonna be no knock on my door. No phone call to say he's on the way. I can't wrap my mind around it. Not only that, but what do I get off to when it's not a gchat session or phone call that's got me heated? Close my eyes and imagine? Sorry, my mind is not that way inclined. I'd rather just feel the heat from a warm body. It need to be interactive. Action and reaction. Action: you touch me there. Reaction: it gets poppin like FISH GREASE!! And that's that...

Yeah yeah yeah the shit still doesn't compute to me. But you guys weigh in here - are you team bang the bishop or team repression save it for your partner? Choose your side in the comments.

Are You Good? (Max in Real Life)

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?

Last night I got the words "I am bad" tattooed on my back. I meant it in the Run DMC sense rather than the literal sense and if you don't know what that means get off my blog and never come back but still when I looked at it this morning it seemed...a little wrong. In a way I felt like having that sentence permanently etched on me was equal to publicly declaring that I'm not a good person. But am I?

Every Sunday I wake up with the intention to go to church. Sometimes I make it, moretimes I spend the church hour doing my nails writing blog posts about sex and abusing my body by stuffing it full of homefries and nicotine. So am I a good person because I believe in God enough to want to go to church? Or am I a bad person because I never rarely go?

I'm a generous person, I work hard to be considerate and invested in people's lives. But I'm also unfriendly and can be selfish...at least if you subscribe to the theory that ignoring my friends' phone calls equals selfish. I try to let the people I care about feel cared for but I also live a pretty hedonistic lifestyle and shun long-lasting connections with people. I have great sympathy for many causes but can rarely rouse myself to do anything altruistic to help them.

Am I a good person? Sometimes I can't tell.

I mean - I think I am, but who ever really believes they are a bad person? And what does being a good person even mean? I used to know a man who I described as "a really good guy with really bad behaviour" until a friend of mine said that you can't divorce one's behaviour from one's character...if you act badly you're bad. At the time it struck me as really strident but then again at the end of the day what do we really have to go on in our relationships but how the person acts toward us?

This is something that I work around in my brain endlessly, so I thought I'd share it with you guys to see if anyone else out there thinks about this. So tell me, the pitiful few of you who comment on Thursdays dear readers, what does being a good (or bad) person mean to you? Which do you consider yourself? And can we change from one to the other or are our positions on the good-bad spectrum set in stone? Are goodness and badness functions of our behaviour or what lies beneath? Speak on it in the comments.

The Great Guy and the Regular Chick

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?
 
Last night I was gossiping talking to a girlfriend about a mutual friend of ours and his new-ish boo-piece. The dude is pretty dope. Very smart, highly educated and very well-read. Cultured and well-traveled but not obnoxious about it. He reads books and plays sports. Has good taste in music and movies. Attractive and well-hung built. And he's funny. He is, for lack of a better word, a great guy.

Now booski on the other hand is just...meh. She's a pretty girl, but in an entirely unspectacular way. Okay body dressed in the most generic offerings ever put forth by the regular girl trifecta of Old Navy/The Gap/Banana Republic. She's smart enough to follow the conversation when we all hang but seemingly without the ability to contribute to it. She's not funny but she's able to understand a joke and laugh unassumingly at it. Neither particularly friendly nor particular stand-offish. The kind of girl that you don't mind having around but who you don't miss when she's absent. She's not a reader or a sports fan and her taste in television shows is more The City than Lost, more The Hills than True Blood. Musically she's strictly Top 40. In short, she's just....regular.

Before hooking up with this girl, our buddy had been single for a long time. And being the kind of friends who like to discuss things repeatedly and ad nauseam, I had heard many times his spiel about how he was looking for exactly the right woman. While this guy is not arrogant in any sense of the word, he's well aware that he's a bit of a catch and was holding out for a woman who was a match for him. So the day he announced that he was bringing "someone for us to meet" to one of our hang out sessions, imagine our surprise when he showed up with a girl who was just...regular.

This is a phenomenon I've witnessed too many times. I'm fortunate to have a lot of dynamic men in my life; some exes, some cousins, some friends. And it seems that 99% of the time that these dudes wife up, the girl is just...milquetoast. Meanwhile my most interesting, most dynamic, funniest and coolest female friends remain perpetually single with ladyflowers drying up under the hot sun of celibacy.

What is up with that?

Being the loud mouths type of people we are, as soon as the opportunity arose my girl and I began to hammer our buddy with questions about her; progressing quickly through the polite "where did you meet/how did you get together" stuff and getting straight to the point - why her? His answer basically boiled down to that she was easy. Not easy in the sense of being a mattress, but easy in the sense of being drama free. Accommodating. Undemanding.

Well colour me high-maintenance, but I would shoot myself in the head if "easy" was my boyfriend's reason for being with me.

I'm aware now that pretty girls have a bad rep for being too much work...but is this also true about interesting girls? Smart girls? Funny girls? Stylish girls? Is a woman who is accommodating and easy but lacks a discernible personality really so preferable to one who might give you an occasional headache but who can excite you with her intellect or cajole you out of a bad mood with her humour? Should we as women stop focusing on being interesting and start working on being obsequious?

My informal twitter poll last night didn't yield any conclusive answers (sidebar: do you guys love how I always say "informal twitter poll" as if it's possible to have a "formal" poll on twitter??). There was a fair amount of people who mistook my definition of "regular" to mean pretty; therefore there were a fair amount of knee-jerk responses suggesting that the man has matured enough to value compatibility over looks. But don't get it twisted - pretty girls can be regular too. Being regular isn't about looks; to me it comes down to this: if someone asked me what you're like and I can't come up with five adjectives to describe your personality, you're regular. Because you have no distinguishing characteristics.

But anyway...what do you guys think? Is this dynamic guy-regular chick phenomenon one you've noticed before? Or is this just saltiness on the part of an interesting chick who can't find someone to take her to the outdoor movies at Harbourfront one of those things that can't be understood when you're looking at a relationship from the outside? Is there an inverse of this - dynamic women wifing regular dudes? And my gentleman - have you ever wifed a regular girl? Illuminate me in the comments.

Who Told You to Have Feelings (Throwback Tuesdays)

Only a few days left to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards...have you done it yet?

Observe this conversation between fcuk buddies:

Girl: So can I come over tonight?
Boy: Nah, sorry I'm booked.
Girl: You're booked? What does that mean?
Boy: I mean I already have plans. Sorry.
Girl: Oh with another girl? Oh so it's like that then? Okay fine. Have fun. Talk to you later.
Boy: (confused) okay, um, bye.

Two days later...

Girl: You know you really hurt my feelings the other day...
Boy: (no memory of the above conversation) I did, how?
Girl: When I said I wanted to come over and you said you were booked.
Boy: *stupefied silence*

Ladies, I'm going after you today. You're wrong in three ways on this one:

1. Use of the phrase “another girl”

This implies that you thought you thought that you were the only girl. And the very fact that you are on fcuk buddy status with this dude should tell you that that is not the case. In fact, more times than not, you are the “other” girl.

2. Being Passive Aggressive

Saying “Okay fine. Have fun then” in a pissy tone of voice is a classic girl move that does not work. When men are in situations like this, they hear words, not inflections and not the feelings behind them. So if you're saying '”have fun” he's hearing “have fun” and moving on with his life. And you know you're pissed and you don't want him to have fun so why not try saying what's on your mind? I told you before, men are not mind readers. If you're disappointed that you can't get together then say something and maybe you guys can work something out.

3. Using the “F” word

“You hurt my feelings'”? Girl, you are out of bounds here. Who told you feelings were allowed in a fuck buddy relationship? A fuck buddy relationship by definition is a casual, non-exclusive, no-strings attached type of deal. If you're getting your feelings hurt because dude has plans with another girl, you're obviously not built for this type of thing and you need to keep it moving.

In my opinion, 99% of girls in the world are not built for casual sex. Not because they catch feelings (although you're wrong for doing it) but because they seem to think that the dude should care about said feelings. Ladies, if he wanted to care about your feelings you'd be wifey, not jump-off. So please either keep them to yourself or recognize your limitations and stick to feelings-friendly zones like relationships.

That’s my rant for today, but what say you dear readers? Are feelings okay in a fcuk-buddy relationship or should they be checked at the door with inhibitions? Have you ever been the girl or boy in this scenario? Discuss.

The e-Boo

Time is running out to nominate me and my blogging buddies for the Black Weblog Awards. Take a quick five minutes to cast your vote please! 

Ah the e-boo. Part crush, part long-distance boyfriend, part ridiculous fantasy that makes you feel like you've regressed back to your teenage years. If you spend anywhere near as much time online as I do, sooner or later you will probably find yourself in some kind of e-boo relationship. This is both a blessing and a curse.

But first for my three-dimensional people who are looking at me like I'm nuts, allow me to explain what I'm talking about.  Your e-boo is someone you met online when you weren't looking for anyone. This isn't someone you met on match.com or POF, it's someone you "met" in the comments section of your favourite blog or who caught your eye on twitter. Or maybe he's a blogger whose point of view you find intriguing or a dude in a mutual friend's Facebook photo who you wanted to get to know.

Wherever you find him or her, the e-boo relationship is ideal because of its ability to seamlessly integrate into your "real" life...it's a fun little distraction that can pick you up on a bad day and entertain you when you're bored. For the most part, an e-boo is a safe bet...you're unlikely to get your feelings hurt by someone who you're not even completely sure really exists.

On the other hand, because your "relationship" exists exclusively on the internet it can be hard to gauge just how much importance you should put on it. I've seen people take their e-boo relationships way too seriously and start to get jealous and feel a way when they find out that their e-boo is actually attached in real life. Then they feel dry and rejected and the worst part about it is that they're feeling that way about someone they've probably never even met.

The best thing about an e-boo relationship is that the delayed nature of online communication allows you to put your best foot forward at all times. If you're like me, you do your best flirting online where you a) have time to think about what you want to say and b) the object of your flirting cannot see you getting all sweaty and shaky.  Your e-boo can make your spirits soar as a flurry of suggestive tweets fly back between you...until you creep his timeline and realize he's been simulatneously exchanging dirty tweets with @RealTalkSuki three other girls. Once again, you end up feeling dry.

Having an e-boo can take the sting out of being single just by the simple fact that you have something to distract you from your loneliness...until you're on twitter at midnight fighting with @RealTalkSuki a bunch of other girls about who claimed him first and you realize that while you're doing that he's off in the 3-d world getting his. Then you feel silly.

But hands down the absolute best part of the e-boo relationship is the e-sex...with the right e-lover it's epic. And you have a written record of it that you can carry around with you and read when you're bored or horny.

Yes the e-boo relationship has its ups and downs, but if you're going to undertake it, please remember to keep it light. I am never in favour of psycho-bitch behaviour, but if I find out you've gone nutso on your e-boo for any reason, I will block you from my blog!

But what about you guys? Anyone out there have an e-boo? Does s/he lift you up or take you crashing down? Share your e-love stories in the comments.

Leave My Bush Alone

Just nominate me please. You've heard the spiel enough times. 

So today I have a bone to pick with someone. Two people actually. One is whoever invented the Brazilian wax and the other is the big mouth who told men about it.  Because ever since those two events occurred I've had men all up in my garden and not in a good way.

Seems like every where I go, every man I talk to is professing his love of the bald poon. Or the landing strip - which is just stupid. What is the point of that strip? All of a sudden no one wants to see hair down there despite the fact that the good lord Himself saw fit to put it there.

Well I am here to say to you all that I am not doing it. And I'm giving you 5 reasons why.

5 Reasons I will not bald off my p*ssy:

1. That shit is expensive. 

I'm a dougla girl and you know we come with more than our fair share of hair and the shit grows extra-fast. I can't be running to the salon every week dropping $60 to remove something that has every right to be there! Why - because you saw it in a porno once and you think that's cute? Try again.

2. It hurts!

My man - when was the last time you let someone spread a burning hot substance on your joint and then rip it off you? Just take a second and imagine it....and then try to dream up one good reason why I should pay money to have it done to me.

3. It's itchy

Unless you are comfortable being with a woman who a) occasionally needs Bump-No-Way on her private parts and b) scratches that shit like a monkey at a gym, you might want to think twice before insisting on the landscaping...when the stuff starts to grow back it itches like a motherfcuker.

4.  I am not 11 years old.

And I don't want my vagina to look like I am. That's all I'm gonna say about it really.

5. Take a look at your private parts and then ask me again. 

99% of the men who love an empty forest have pure thickets going on inside their briefs. If that isn't audacity I don't know what is.

Now let me just say this - it's not that I intend to leave the area wild and untamed. I groom myself. I trim and I spruce...the appropriate things can be found with no need for compass (© Nickerz). That's really all I can do. And to the men out there who complain about getting hair stuck in their teeth let me remind you that I don't really need your mouth to be down there anyway.

Who's joining me on my crusade to bring back the bush?

The Go-To Person (Max in Real Life)

Since Thursdays are all about my real life, I'm gonna be real with you guys and tell you I'm having a shitty week, so do me a solid and go nominate me for the Black Weblog Awards. If you already did it, browbeat a friend into doing it. I could use a pick me up. </guilttrip>

So last night I finally figured out how to unscrew the light fixtures in my apartment so I could replace the bulbs that burned out six months ago recently. Even though this isn't a difficult thing I was pretty excited because in the past it was something that I would have waited around for my Daddy or the ex to do for me. My excitement was pretty short-lived though when I realized that I'm kinda tired of doing this shit for myself.

See it's not that I want a relationship, but I do want someone I can count on. Don't get me wrong - I have friends and they're great and I have a sister who is amazing, but sometimes you just want that one-stop shop of a person who, in theory at least, is there to help you work out your shit big or small.

What I have instead and what I've always had is a group of people in my life whom I can go to for different things. Right now the most important ones are:

1. My work wife who commiserates with my horrific workload and spies for me, smokes with me and pep talks me.

2. My girls who see me tweet that I need a hug and instantly reach out to ask what's wrong and what I need and make me howl with laughter in our nightly gchat conferences.

3. My mother who makes me forget whatever is ailing me by giving me shit about the most ridiculous and random things.

4. My sister, who I almost never contact when I'm bothered but who I know would be there if I did.

5. My "jack in the box" who pops in and out of my gchat through the day and blesses me with some wisdom or insight or randomness or comedy and stops me from stabbing myself in the eye breaks up the monotony of the day.

This isn't the sum total of the people in my life by a long shot. But these are the ones who have been saving my soul these last few crappy weeks. And on balance I know I'm quite lucky - not everyone has a roster like this. And I'm grateful for it, but at the same time I can't help but daydream about having one person in my life who does all of this at once. Someone who knows me well enough to give me the right advice for my personality and my issues and not just the knee-jerk, "it sounds good" advice that most people give. Someone handy enough to switch the satelitte receivers in my bedroom and living room so I can have the "good box" in my bedroom. Someone who is as equipped to give me advice about what colour shoes to wear with a lime-green dress as s/he is to advise me about what my next career move should be. A person who will force me to rest when I'm doing too much and ride my ass hard (pause?) when I'm slacking. Someone who is close enough to me to recognize when I need help even if I don't ask for it (I'm bad at asking for it). And someone who has the time and inclination to do this.

This is what I daydream about when I have those periods when I feel like life is beating me down. Or boosting me up. When something really really good or really really bad happens and I don't have that obvious "first call" person. When I enter a contest to win a trip for two somewhere and wonder who I'd take with me if I won.

So does such a person exist? Am I talking about a boyfriend? A husband? A very best friend? An employee? What do you guys think? Anyone have someone like this in their life? Speak on it in the comments.

Ready for Love - A Guest Post

If you've been reading this blog with any kind of regularity you probably know by now that love is not on my agenda. Although I have a great appreciation for love in other people's lives, I'm of the firm belief that a good book, a stiff cock, and a fresh bagel are pretty much all I need to keep me happy. But every now and then it's nice for me to post something over here at jaded woman central that appeals to those of you who still have souls actually are in love or plan to be one day. Thankfully my girl MsEsquire77 has brought the goods today with an open letter to her future husband.  Check her out and be sure to show her love in the comments so she'll come back and visit us again.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I want to be a wife. While I’d like to have a lovely wedding it’s not really all that important to me. What I really want is a commitment that mirrors what my grandparents have had for the past 59 years. While I’m sure they’ve had their share of tragedies and triumphs they are still together and their love each other is evident to anyone who knows them. I’m 32 (33 on October 5th…feel free to send me gifts.) and I’ll confess that in the past few years I’ve grown a little weary with waiting on my husband. I sometimes find myself asking God, “When will it be my turn?” I’m ready for love.

I have an anthology about love called “It’s All Love: Black Writers on Soul Mates, Family and Friends”. One of my favorite pieces is “One Hundred Days of Bliss” by Sonsyrea Tate Montgomery. In a nutshell it’s an e-mail from her to God thanking Him for her husband, Mike. It has inspired me to write a letter to my future husband. Here goes:

To my beloved,

What took you so long?! I’m just kidding :) I know that God had a plan for us and that we were predestined to meet and fall in love based on His timeline but I’ll admit that I was getting a little nervous.

I’d known love in my past and mistakenly thought I’d met you at least once before but God knew better. I am thankful for those past relationships because they taught me invaluable lessons about patience, kindness, fidelity and communication. Those other men were just tools that the Master used to mold me and shape me into the woman He wanted me to become for you.

When we first met I was guarded because I’d been hurt in the past but you were patient with me and didn’t let my fear run you away. We both came into this relationship with some baggage but have managed to love each other flaws and all. You’ve loved me with a passion that is honest and true and I thank you for allowing me the freedom to be my best me.

Our marriage isn’t always perfect but our love is and it allows us to press through the hard times. We cherish our vows and have managed to stay together through sickness & in health, through richer & through poorer. Through it all you’ve been my lover, my friend and the head of our household. I’m thankful for you and all that you do.

You are the answer to countless prayers and I’m blessed to have you.

Thank you for loving me and accepting my love in return.

Yours until the end of time,
Shondriette

That was beautiful, wasn't it? I have no doubts that my little Shonnerz will find what she's looking for because she has the courage to put it out into the universe.

But what about you guys? Are you actively seeking your husband or wife? Think you're ready for it? Have you ever written a letter like this? Already found your love? Think love is for other people? Share your stories.

Now I may not be ready for love but I am ready for a Black Weblog Nomination. Have you nominated me yet? If I'm not going to have a husband I need something to cuddle up with at night! Get the easy instructions right here.

 

Does Crazy Get the Guy? - Throwback Tuesday

Not long after I wrote my post on being the 'just before girl' I ran into a friend of mine - let's call him Yoda - at the wedding of my ex-unboyfriend/best friend/roommate (another blog post for another time). We got to talking about why I should never have been invited to my ex's wedding relationships and my sister suggested that he fix me up with one of his single friends. He said "Nah she's not ready for it. She's the girl that guys get with before they get with the girl they marry".

Marshie-poo and I gasped simultaneously.

"Did you read my blog?" I asked breathlessly.

*blank stare*

Okay then.

"Why is that?" Les poos (marshie-poo and maxie-poo) asked.

Yoda went on to explain that I was too cool, too easy going, too laissez-faire for any man to take me seriously. "You need to learn to make some demands" was his final word on the subject.

Les poos proceeded to the wedding reception, at which I was too busy trying to stab myself with a butter knife listening to speeches and watching the lovebirds coo lovingly at each other to really think about it. But since then I've been taking an informal poll and it seems that Yoda is right. Which i guess shouldn't be surprising because Yoda was always right in the movies wasn't he? I don't know.

Anyway. let me share with you some responses:

My cousin's wife gave me a long, long lecture about the art of making demands. And how a man doesn't respect you if you don't set clear boundaries and guidelines for his behaviour.

The ex-unboyfriend/best friend/roommate (who thankfully married a cool girl who "allows" him to continue to plunge my toilet and take out my garbage be my friend) said that when we were in our unrelationship he interpreted my coolness to equal disinterest. i.e. the fact that I let him do whowhatever he wanted to do gave him the impression that I didn't care what he did.

My girlfriend also insists on not only setting clear boundaries, but that I make the men I date take me to expensive restaurants and buy me gifts in order to impress upon them that I am something special. And that when these men "misbehave" I call them on their shit.

None of this computes to me at all.

Here's my take on it: I don't have any children. I'm not about raising anyone so why do I have to set rules and discipline people? I grew up with a very demanding mum who yelled when she didn't get her way. Everyone in the house just did what she wanted so we wouldn't have to hear her mouth. This is a kind of death to me. I don't want men to do things for me just because they're afraid of what I'll do if they don't, I want them to do things for me because they want to. My relationship style is to give people the freedom to be who they are and see what they do with it. And no, I don't call men on every little thing they do wrong - but I do notice and file it away for future reference. When I reach my breaking point (yes, I do have one) I'll let him know.

This, apparently, is not the correct way to approach relationships. Go figure.

Meanwhile, as those of you who know me know, I have a healthy concentration of male friends. And as a result I get a lot of inside information on how girls really behave (not the remixed versions of stories we tell our friends in which we make ourselves sound much harder than we actually are). I see the pathetic and desperate emails they send, the begging BBM's and texts, and hear the crazy-ass voicemails they leave. These women rant, rave, cry, threaten, beg, and bargain to get these dudes' attention. Now and again they'll show up unannounced or freak out because they found a bobby pin that doesn't belong to them at the home of a man they know is seeing other people.
 

And you know what? These guys eat that shit up. Nary a one of them has ever stopped talking to a girl because of her crazy-ass behaviour. Meanwhile my private parts - and the private parts of all my female friends who are normal like me - are drying up at an alarming rate.

All of which leads me to conclude that us calm girls are doing something wrong. Should we be going all Jazmine Sullivan on these dudes? Is that what it takes?

Please enlighten me.

The Amazing Disappearing Man

Ah the amazing disappearing man. Songs are written about him, books celebrate his ability to transcend time, entire blogs are dedicated to him. It's a sad fact of the life of a single woman that every now and then you're gonna lose a man. Not lose in the sense of "we were in a relationship and I fcuked up and now I've lost the love of my life", but lose in the sense of misplace; as in "I don't know where that man got to. I just saw him a minute ago and now he's completely disappeared".

The amazing disappearing man is not an actual man, he's more like the alter ego of your current man. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, the amazing disappearing man will appear (ha!) as a result of stimulus. The pisser is though that his victims rarely get to know what the catalyst of the disappearance was. And the real pisser is that the disappearance can occur anywhere from one minute to five years after the fact.

Say for example you and the FWB are hitting it hot and heavy one night. After the seeds are wiped up all is said and done he's a little bit quieter than usual. But you're too busy congratulating yourself for the hurting you just put on him to ask why your chum is so glum. You skip off along your merry way knowing that that boy isn't about to forget your name in a hurry.  Until a few weeks go by and your vagina starts tapping you on the shoulder and you look around and homeboy has disappeared. He hasn't hit you up, he's not responding to your texts or emails, and since this is a mutual jump-off society you can't really show up at his house or ask around about his whereabouts without looking thirsty. You have to just accept it - he done disappeared.

This story repeats itself endlessly through history. Maybe it's the dude you had a few great dates with, maybe it's the one you met online who invited you travel cross-country to visit him but wasn't there when you arrived in his city. The amazing disappearing man comes in all varieties and he's a fcuking asshole.

So what's a gal to do when a man amazingly disappears on her? Well there's not a lot she can do - no point searching for someone who doesn't want to be found. Spreading the word among your common friends is only going to let the world know that someone has gone into hiding to get away from you. Writing bad haikus about love offered and withdrawn is only going to burn out the eyeballs of the friends who are forced to read it.

My advice to you? Move on with your life. Because if there's one thing that's true about the amazing disappearing man it's this - sooner or later he always comes slithering out of his hole. Usually about 30 seconds after you've forgotten all about him. Be ready.

So ladies, have you ever had a man amazingly disappear on you? Did you know why? Did he come back?  And men - I know you have pulled this trick at least once in your life. Explain yourself in the comments.

Didn't You Eat Before You Got Here?

In the good old days when I was making my first forays into the wonderful world of sex, things were a lot more straightforward. It seemed every dude had the same game plan - a few french kisses, some quality time spent with the breastage, a little bit of fingering, and we were off to the races. Only greedy guys were asking for you to go down on him and even if you said yes he wasn't returning the favour. And if you asked him for it  he'd puff out his chest and declare in whichever West Indian accent he was best able to emulate that he was a man and a man doesn't do that.

I miss those days.

In this day and age the popular belief is that there's something wrong with a man who refuses to sop up his girl's biscuit - especially if he does so while insisting that she swallow his banana - but honestly I kinda don't mind it. Actually let me be real - I kinda really like it.

See it's not that I don't like getting my "car washed", it's just that I don't need it every single time I drive. Sometimes I just wanna hop on the highway and go straight to my destination without making any pit stops along the way. And moretimes when I do stop for a quick wash it either takes way longer than I wanted it to or I'm left with a half-cleaned car and an attitude because he didn't put enough careful attention into the wash. Then for the rest of my journey, even it's a beautiful scenic drive with no traffic and no trouble reaching my ultimate destination, a little part of me is still salty about the sub-standard wash I received.

So yeah, most of the time I'd rather skip it.

Unfortunately it's become nearly impossible to get a meal from a man without him insisting that I spend time at the salad bar these days. No matter what I say to try to get out of it -  if I tell him I don't like salad, if I tell him I can't tolerate roughage and it's only going to ruin the rest of dinner, if I tell him that I never finish the salad and it's only going to waste his time serving me one - he's going to say the same thing: "that's because I never served you salad yet".

Sigh.

Though I struggled against it for years, these days I've accepted the fact that I'm not going to get the pipe without enduring the appetizer course first. And to be honest, most of the time I do enjoy it, despite the fact that I'm often full and satisfied after five minutes while he's still going strong. And I do know that as sexual problems go, having a man insist on visiting the downtown area is not the worst problem to have. But still there are a lot of times that I look up at the ceiling and wonder just what the hell happened to those guys who refused to eat pu$$y.

I really miss those guys.

So what do you guys think? Any ladies out there feel me on this or am I crazy? And men are you willing to have sex with me without going down first the type who insists on giving your girl some oral loving or you happy when you find a girl who wants to skip it?

Talk dirty to me in the comments.

A Change is Gonna Come (Max in Real Life)

When I was a little girl I knew that I would grow up and move to Toronto. And I did. There were three specific streets I wanted to live on and I've lived on nearly on all of them.  So that's pretty much mission accomplished too...so now what do I do?

Moving here was by far the biggest change I've ever inflicted on myself. Way bigger and way harder (pause?) than I thought it would be, but definitely the best move I ever made. Every time I make a trip home, every time I look through an old friend's photos on Facebook, every time I hear about another friend getting married or having a baby I'm convinced that moving here was the right thing to do.

After 12 years though, I'm starting to feel antsy. Toronto is amazing, I love it. My sister is here, my friends, and a lot of my family even though I do everything I can to avoid them. If I have a home in this world at all (I feel like I don't but that's another post for another Thursday) it's Toronto. But Toronto is just not that fun anymore.

Maybe that's the wrong way to put it, considering my life consists of laughing my ass off with my friends, dressing up and strutting my hot ass when I feel like it, and retreating to the solitude of my apartment when it all becomes too much. I can't say that that's not a fun life. But it's just...it's not new anymore. Everyone I've ever wanted to befriend here is now my friend. I have now (as of last Wednesday) attended every party I've ever wanted to attend. I've slept with met every dude I ever crushed on. What's left?

The idea of packing up and moving to a new city has been calling me lately. I'm dreaming about it, day dreaming about it. Researching it when I should be working and writing and re-writing my top 5 list of cities I want to live in. Discussing it lengthily and lustily with my sister. All of a sudden I - the queen of routine, she who shuns broad horizons - want to pack it up and plant my fork in uncharted territory.

Unfortunately I no longer have the blissful ignorance of my early twenties to stop me from considering things like what if I can't get a job? What if I get too lonely? How will I move all my books? I'm not leaving my books! What if I never find anyone one to have sex with hate it? Not to mention that if I were to leave the country I'd be forced to say goodbye to Timothy's and Tim Hortons (I know they have Tim Hortons elsewhere in the world but I just don't believe it will taste the same). And the fact that I hated it here when I first moved makes me wonder....what if I uproot my whole life and decide I want the old one back?

All the same though I think I'd like to try it. At the very least, it would give me a lot to blog about.

But what do you guys think? Should I take a leap and head for parts unknown or just "stop home" as my dad would say? Have you ever made a big move or taken a similar leap? Do you regret it? And if you have suggestions of where I should go....drop em in the comments.

p.s. I know I've been uncharacteristically maudlin on here the last little while but I'm coming with some comedy for you tomorrow....fret not.

Dudes, Dads, and Dating

If you know me in real life you know that I grew up in a pretty homogenized community. Everyone I knew lived on a street like mine in a house like mine with some pets or siblings and two parents. We might have occasionally fought with our parents but we loved them, they loved us, and they were always there. When I was a kid I thought everyone's life was like this.

When I got older and became boy crazy started going to all-ages parties and meeting people who didn't come from a place called Whitehills I began to realize something weird - a lot of these people didn't have dads in their houses. Or they didn't know where their dads were. Or they hated them. Then I started to get that my little milquetoast world was a bit of an aberration.

Back then (as now) my friends and I would date guys and the guys would do effed up things - blow us off, cheat on us, refuse to talk about their feelings, the usual dumb stuff guys do. But no matter what the guy of the moment did, the explanation was always a variation on a theme; his father left him so he doesn't trust anyone. Or he grew up with a single mother so he doesn't see the value of relationships. Or his father left him and he never got over the hurt so he cut himself off from feeling anything for anyone ever.

The thing was that whether the explanation came from a reassuring girlfriend trying to pat me down after a boy did something mean to me or from the offender himself trying to explain his shitty behaviour, it always did two things to me: left me feeling sad/guilty and left me feeling like my hands were tied. Because really, when someone tells you that they don't know how to treat you properly because they didn't receive proper treatment from a parent, what can a girl who is blessed to have a father who loves me like crazy and is always there for me really say? Get over it? Not a good enough excuse? There's really nothing to say to that and it kinda left me feeling like I hadn't a leg to stand on.

Anyway, I hit my twenties and moved away from home. And whereas as a child everyone I knew grew up in a home with two parents it seemed that suddenly no one I knew did. So much so that these days when I hear a man say "my dad" it throws me off  in the same way that hearing him say "my ovaries" would - it seems wrong.  But even though the phenomenon of "fatherless men" seems to have become the norm,  the correlation between it and egregious behaviour no longer seems to exist. Or at least no one's talking about it.

Why is that though? Are we too old now to accredit our behaviour to our less-than-ideal childhoods? Or is it just so obvious that no one needs to point it out anymore?

Unlike my normal posts, I have no firm opinion to foist on you to share on this one...I'm just interested in hearing everyone's thoughts.

So what do you guys think - is it only the presence or absence of our fathers that impacts our behaviour in relationships or can I pin some of my shit on Mummy does everything in our childhoods dictate our choices in relationships? Like I said I'm lucky to have a great dad that I adore, but his greatness is definitely not reflected in the relationship choices I make, so does that mean that we're only affected by "bad" dads?

Speak on it in the comments.

Throwback Tuesday - The Just Before Girl

The just before girl kinda has a bad rep.  Nine times out of ten she is (or is portrayed as) the one who lied, cheated, took advantage, stole, stalked, hurt, betrayed, or cheated on your guy. She's the reason he doesn't want to commit/is in a selfish phase/won't open up/can't trust anyone.

Yeah.  The just before girl can really fuck shit up for you.

But sometimes the just before girl is a blessing in disguise. Sometimes the just before girl is your guardian angel and you don't even know it. She's the one who endured the games, the fuckwittage, the fear of commitment, the push and pull, the switcheroo, and the unrelationship for a little or a long time; steadfastly staying the course, unwaveringly understanding;  showing your guy that he can count on her.  Or someone.

Unfortunately for the just before girl (but fortunately for you), shit never works out between her and your guy. It can't - that's just the nature of the just before.  But when it ends - sometimes more amicably than others - your guy emerges with a different perspective. On some level he realizes he was a dickhead and mindfucked the just before girl six ways from Sunday.  He emerges - like a butterfly from a cocoon - slightly less of an asshole than he was before.

This is where you come in. Your guy won't be perfect (they never are) but at least he'll be able to admit he's been a jerk in the past. Your road with him won't be completely smooth, but at least you'll have a destination in sight.

See I'm that just before girl. Looking back over my illustrious career as a serial dally-er;  I'm noticing that almost all the men I've dallied with have gone on to wife (literally or figuratively) their next girl.
 
This makes me strangely proud. 

Like a mother hen who has raised her chicks and sent them off to lay their own eggs;  I'm grooming boyfriends, fiances, and husbands on my little farm.  I'm like a finishing school for flawed men.   I'm like the last inspector in a factory who makes sure the product is in salable condition before it hits the shelves. Just call me Inspector #9

What do you guys think? Do you think the person that preceded you has any impact on your man/woman's behaviour? Are you the just-before girl/guy?

How to Hook Up

Time's ticking...have you nominated me for the Black Weblog Awards yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

If there is one thing I've learned from observing mating habits, it's that most women are incapable of separating their feelings from sex. So it should come as no surprise that the number one question I'm asked by readers and randoms alike is how to hook up with someone without feeling like a big whore-bag afterward.  Personally, I can't see any reason why a gal would feel anything but fabulous after a hook-up, but who am I to judge those lightweights among us who still have feelings? Now I don't want to give you the correct impression that I engage in a lot of hook ups, but I do have a few tips and tricks for the ladies who tend to get caught up.

So without further ado, here are my top tips for pulling off a successful hook up: 

1. Bring no one 

Yeah - I thought this was a no-brainer too. But you'd be surprised if you knew how many times I've been told a story of a hook up that included the line "...so my friend and I went over there....".

Um...sorry what now?

Ladies, there is only one reason for you to bring a friend to a hook up: you're planning on having a three-way. Otherwise lose the dead weight and go get yours. Don't give me any sh*t about bringing your friend there "for safety" or any of that poppycock. Be a big girl and text your friend that dude's vitals so if you do turn up dead she knows where to find him. Then send her off to find her own sugar. Because please believe there are some best friends out there who are tagging along with you to your hookup's spot for no other reason than to make sure you don't get any. Celibacy loves company.

2. No Talking

Now this isn't meant to imply that you can't engage in a little pre- and post-coital chit chat, but please remember that this is a hook up, not a therapy session. Check your problems at the door please. Your fight with your bestie is of zero interest to this dude right now. Go find you a substitute dude to listen to that. And please, oh please, do not try to talk to him about how he feels about the hook up or where he thinks the hook up will lead.   

2. Tell no one

In this case, I would say that the definition of "no one" is a little fluid. It's one thing to give play-by-plays and length/girth measurements confide in your sister or your bestie, it's quite another thing to broadcast your hook up from the mountain tops. It's normal to get a little post-sex hyper but try and hold things down okay?

3.  Beware the warm and fuzzies

This is where a lot of women get #swindled. Because women like to read something into every minute action undertaken by a man on our radar, they (yes I am dissociating myself from you right now) have a tendency to assign huge meaning to commonplace actions. Ladies, basic manners such as bringing you a drink of water or a towel to wipe off the seeds, offering you cab fare home, or participating in minimal cuddling should not be misconstrued as evidence that he wants anything more from you than another serving of what he just got.

4. Don't Assume... 

Don't assume that a bone is equal to an invitation to spend the night. Don't assume that the hook up with you is so mind-blowing that he won't be hooking up with someone else tomorrow night. (And if he does, don't assume that last night's hook up gives you license to go psycho-bitch on him). Don't assume that your sexual hook up will translate into a free-stuff hook up (this is a shout out to my ladies who hook up with a promoter and then get mad when they have to pay cover to get into his parties).

5. Accept it for what it is

A hook up does not have magical powers. It can cure a lot of ills, but it's not going to catapult you to wifey status, nor will it lessen the burn of baby fever if that's your issue. So please manage your expectations. The only guarantee in a properly-executed hook up is that you will get your rocks off. And that's a beautiful thing, isn't it?


But what do you guys think? Will these rules help to make a hook up an enjoyable experience for all or should we just go with the flow? Do you have hook up rules of your own? I know you do - you guys always school me on the list posts.

On My Celibacy Sh*t

Don't think that just because I haven't bothered you for a few days about the Black Weblog Awards that you're off the hook. Have you nominated me yet? You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

If you read this blog with any kind of regularity, you should know two things about me: 1. I like experiments and 2. Fridays are for over-sharing. Oh and 3. I love sex. So today we combine the three as I tell you about the latest in my series of activities that I undertake "just to see how it turns out"....celibacy.

Yep. I said it. I've decided to attempt to be celibate for six months.

Now if you know me in real life, you should be a little worried. I've already told you guys what happens to me when I'm celibate. I turn into a version of Max that is not fit for human consumption. To say I become a bit of a bitch would not be an exaggeration. And who can blame me? But that's as much because I don't like options taken away from me as because of my longing for the pipe...it's the principle that offends me. Or so I tell myself.

It's been a long time since I've taken a vow of celibacy but the last time I did it I lasted just over two years. Admirable, maybe, but going that long without peen clouded my judgment in disastrous ways that I'm not gonna get into here, so I'm thinking that was over-doing it just a bit. Six months is a nice, neat number and it takes me right up to my birthday....where I fully expect to break the seal with some first-ever birthday sex.

If you love me even a little bit you're probably wondering why I would choose to separate myself from my one true love - the pipe. And it's a good question. So really...why am I doing this? Mostly because I needed a post for today and was fresh out of ideas I have this theory that sex out of the equation sharpens one's thinking, there are a lot things I need to be putting my mental energy into right now that don't involve hunting down sugar. For another, it's good practice for my next experiment - kicking my addiction to the most beautiful substance ever created the demon nicotine. And also because no one thinks I can, and who could pass up a challenge like that?

Oh and p.s. before Streetz comes to heckle me about my mathematical inabilities, I am aware that the end of September is three, not six months away. But I've already got three months down so altogether it will make sex...I mean six.  Freudian slip?

So what do you guys think? Will I succeed in my mission to shun the man-pipe until the end of September? Have you ever purposely been celibate? Did you get anything valuable out of it? Share your stories in the comments.

And now that I've given up life's greatest joy, please don't forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! I'm gonna need a pick me up and what could be better than a nomination? Easy instructions are right here.