A Date at the Strip Club

Way back before I became the dirty bird that I am today, I went to a strip club one night with a few of my male friends. I was a young dumb thing at the time and I sooo did not want to be there. But as the lone girl in a pack of men my vote didn't matter much and next thing I knew we were inside. The night was one part traumatic and one part illuminating. Sitting in pervert's row seeing a little bit too much detail for my delicate constitution = traumatic. Getting a (free) lap dance? Illuminating.

I don't remember how or why it came to be that I got a lap dance at this club, but I remember it started with the girl telling me she needed me to open my legs. And ended with her in between them holding her breast in my face and licking her nipple. Je-sus. In one five minute song I went from "strip clubs are nasty" to "I LOVE strip clubs!".

My point? Well most women I know hate the fact that their man goes to strip clubs and most men I know like to go. So ladies, once again I'm here to ask you to get over it. And once again I'm going to give you a list:

5 Reasons Why You Should be Going to the Strip Club with Your Man

1. Strip clubs are pretty good foreplay

Now let me caveat this here - I'm not talking about grimey spots like the Fabulous Forum back in London. I'm talking a decent to upscale place where the women are under the age of 50 and don't have their Cesarean scars on display. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah - a strip club can get you - and more importantly your man - nicely revved up before the main event. You locked-down ladies who are complaining that the spark is gone? Here's a good way to light it up.

2. It doesn't make you a bad girl

The older I get the more I believe that women just pretend not to like certain things to solidify their status as a nice girl. This is so patently ridiculous that I'm not even going to address it, so let me just say this. Going to the strip club with your man is pretty much the only "adventurous" thing you can do without actually having to do anything. If it makes you feel better, call yourself taking one for the team.

3. He's going anyway

Some homosexual men don't like strip clubs, but most do. So there's a pretty good chance that at some point in your relationship you're going to be sitting at home with zit cream on your face and Charlie's Angels in the DVD player while your man is taking in the sights. So you might as well suck it up and go with him.

4. You might learn something about your man

I think you can tell a lot about a dude by how he behaves at the strip club. Those jackasses that shout and jeer at the girl from their seats in Pervert's Row probably don't respect women much. The ones that go there and never look up from their Blackberry and try to talk about personal branding? They're gay pretentious. How a man looks at a woman who is taking off her clothes for money says a lot about him.

5. It's hot

Did I say that already? Well it is. Trust me.

Publish Post

Okay ladies - what do you think? Will you go to the strip club with your man? If not, do you at least have the sense to shut your yap when he goes with his friends? Gentlemen - do you even want your lady at the strip club with you?

PSA for Ladies - The Toilet Seat is not that Deep

I've been meaning to rant on this for a minute and now the time has come. Ladies I'm talking to you today and I have only one question: what is it with you and the toilet seat? No - seriously....what is it?

I lived with a man for I don't know how many years and he never once put the toilet seat down when he was finished with it. Never. And do you know how many times I accidentally fell in the toilet? Never. Because I checked before sitting down. Don't you all do that?

And really - how did down become the default position for toilet seats anyway? Let's really examine this. As far as I can see, the toilet has 5 main purposes:

1. For a lady to pee in
2. For a man to pee in
3. For a lady or man to poop in
4. For vomiting
5. For cleaning

Hmm...so out of 5 possible uses, 3 require the seat to be up. And yet you're still complaining? I don't get it.

The way I see it, complaining about the toilet seat is a little like the boy who cried wolf. You know what I mean? It's like you waste so much time complaining about something so frivolous that when you have legitimate beef the man is already tired of hearing your mouth. You're destroying your own credibility because you don't want to take a half a second to look down at the seat before you sit in it. Does that make any sense?

Ladies - any of you out there agree with me or is this further evidence that I am really a man?

Donkey Punches and other Liberties

I'm of the opinion that sex is like hockey - better with a little violence. Trouble is, a single woman who avoids attachments usually doesn't waste take time having those 'getting to know you' conversations with her conquests where she can drop subtle hints that she likes it a little rough. Instead she has to rely upon a man's intuition to kick in and let him know that certain acts would be welcomed. We all know where that gets you right? Men - while superior human beings in many ways - are usually not so great at the whole intuition thing. So the girl who likes it a little rowdy probably has to sift through a whole lotta gentle f*ckers (pun intended) before she finds her holy grail - the man who knows exactly what liberties it's okay to take. 

And what liberties are those? I hear you asking. Well of course it's different for every woman. But for the men out there who are itching to try out a move on a new beat but aren't sure how it will go down, I'm going to give you some rough guidelines of how much is too much.

1. Spanking

I don't know many women who don't deserve a good spanking, and I know even fewer who don't enjoy it when it comes during sex. If you have some aggression that you want to let out, this is a good place to start because you can ease into it and it's safe to try it out the first time you slam.

Liberty rating: 1/5

2. Hair Pulling and General Manhandling

Manhandling is one of those things that bring out the throwback in most women. It's not that they don't like it so much as they think they shouldn't. Especially the whole holding on to her head while she's giving you head thing. Waist up she's offended, waist down is a different story. So you probably don't want to open with that. Start with pinning her arms down, proceed to hair pulling, and if she hasn't kicked you in the seeds, it's probably safe to proceed to the head-holding.

Liberty rating: 2/5 - 3/5

3. Hot Talks

I'm not talking about "Oh Baby you feel so good I can't wait to be inside you". I'm talking more along the lines of  "Take this d*ck you f*cking bitch". Break out your potty mouth too soon and you're likely to end the night with blue balls. The only advice I can give you is to pay attention to the way she speaks outside of the bedroom - there are usually clues to how dirty the talks can get in the bed.

Liberty rating: 3/5

4. Choking

The thing about choking is that a lot of women won't admit they like it. And even more women don't know they like it. But the women who don't like it really don't like it. So I don't recommend you trying this out the first time. If the urge to throttle is getting a rise out of you, you could try easing into it and see how she reacts, but I take no responsibility if she freaks the f*ck out.

Liberty rating: 4/5

5. Face-Slapping

This is an advanced move that only a true pig pimp would attempt with a woman he doesn't know well. But more women are into it than you might think.  Tread very, very lightly here. That's all I can say.
Liberty rating: 5/5

6. Donkey Punching
This is not a liberty you should be taking. I'm not saying there aren't girls out there who enjoy it, but I urge you to have the conversation beforehand. Things are gonna get really ugly if you try this on the wrong girl.
Liberty rating: 8/5

As usual, I'm putting it to you dear readers - what do you think? Ladies I know you like to play shy so make use of the anonymous commenting feature to tell me what you think. Men - how do you introduce these little acts of violence in the bedroom?

Other People's Logic: Is this the new guy?

For the first time ever we have a guest poster today. The indomitable Dr. Jay who tells women about their parts on a regular basis on twitter, The Book of Jackson, and your favourite blogger's favourite blog Single Black Male. If you don't read him, you should. He makes men cheer and women cry. In a good way. Dr. Jay is giving us the flip side of yesterday's post about the next girl.

I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life… actually a lot.  This may surprise you, but I don’t currently have a lot of girlfriends now, lol.  Some I broke up with, some broke up with me and some things just fizzled and we parted ways mutually.  Yeah you know things don’t always work out because not everyone is for everyone.  But how do you react once you find out that there is a new dude in the picture?

Speaking for myself, if a girl is not with me anymore and she finds a better guy, I can’t be mad at her or him.  I’m actually happy for her.  But that’s the man in me, I’m not some immature boy who thinks that’s I’m the best a girl will ever had, or that this guy somehow stole my girl.  No one can steal your stuff if you lock it up.

Then there’s the fell chance that you may find out your ex is now talking to a guy who is no where near as good for her as you were.  This upsets us all.  It might make you laugh, but that laughter is the laughter that one gets when they’re so upset they can’t help but laugh.  There are three people who make this situation worse than it has to be; Your family, your friends and her friends.  Your family is supposed to be there for you, but sometimes in there attempts to pacify you they can make it worse.  “You’re better off without her”, doesn’t really say what you want them to say.  Your friends sometimes can be more obsessed with your ex’s new flame than you ever will be.  Have you ever had a friend who messaged you to let you know that your ex posted new pictures on Facebook?  (These are usually the haters in your life.)  Her friends want you to think she’s doing so very well without you so they can run and tell her how sad you look.  I’ll tell you straight up, I don’t give a sh*t.

(Funny story, I know a chick who I used to talk to and her friend actually tells me all the time how the guy she’s with now isn’t anything compared to me.  I find it funny.  #DANGER)

What about when the person telling you about their new flame is YOUR ex?  Now that’s funny to me.  I had someone ask me the other day why I talk to one of these girls I used to talk to all the time.  (Scratch that, I’m not getting into all that.  She probably reading this post right now.)  But seriously, I have to laugh when the ex is telling you about her new guy.  I mean, it’s weird and it’s not weird.  I’ve had situations where I have had exes that I’m really close with now on just a friend level and then talking about that stuff doesn’t bother me.  And then there’s like exes who I just don’t care to be friends with, so I take that as amusement.  I have this one ex, and like for no reason she just broke up me with one day.  OK, whatever, a woman makes a decision and can’t find the words to explain it, so she just says nothing… big deal.  Later on I find out that the dude she’s talking to was playing her hardcore.  I couldn’t stop laughing for like three days.  Three days!

In all of this, there’s really nothing anybody can do.  I have never told an ex that a guy wasn’t good enough for her.  (That’s a lie, I told an ex one time after she broke up with a guy that I never liked the dude to begin with.)  But I have never overstepped the bounds of my friendship or past relationship.  If that’s the guy she’s chosen to be with, that’s her problem not mine.  That’s what we call the care zone.  Once you step outside of the care zone then you have to make decisions on your own.  (I find that women who “like the way I think” find it really hard when they decide they don’t want to be with me anymore and I tell them, I can’t give them advice for their lives anymore.  I mean honestly, why would I give you advice that doesn’t benefit me at all and in fact ends up hurting me in the long run?  C’mon son.)

The Next Girl

 Even when they’re done properly, there are a lot of things that suck about breakups. The missing, the crying, the what-ifs, the things he left behind – it’s all a big ball of misery. But for women the worst part of a breakup is discovering that her ex has a new girl. Whether it happens two weeks or two years later and no matter whether she was the dumper or the dumped, no woman can claim to be unaffected by the fact that another woman is occupying her position of honour in the ex man’s life.

The emergence of the next girl kicks us into detective mode; I think the expression “know thy enemy” was created for this very situation. We creep Facebook and Twitter, we snoop, we make subtle inquiries, we put our friends on full-on spy alert to find out what we can about this interloper. For some reason, women have to compile a dossier on the next girl, the contents of which determine how we feel about the situation.

Top 5 things we need to know about the next girl.

1.  Her name.

Knowing the next girl’s name is critical. It helps us determine what “kind” of girl you’re dealing with – we think we can tell things like whether she’s pretty, smart, or classy by her first name. It’s patently ridiculous, but it’s essential information.

2.  How long has this been going on?

We need to know whether we need to cut her the next time we see her. Obviously if her stint overlaps ours, she’s a dead gyal walking. If she allowed for a reasonable mourning period before swooping in for the kill, we’ll let her live. For now.

3.  Is she prettier than I am?

Most girls are highly aggrieved if they find out that the next girl is prettier than she is. But as someone who has had the experience of the next girl who favours one ol' piece of dry up cho-cho, let me tell you there is nothing more insulting than the fact that your ex man would rather be with an ugly girl than you. Same logic applies to intelligence and success.

4. Are you being nicer to her than you were to me?

I dealt with a man once who never wanted to go anywhere with me. I don’t know if it was laziness or cheapness or he had another woman (or all three) but it was like pulling teeth to get this guy out on the road with me. When we split up I wasn’t that upset and I was only slightly irked when I found out about the next girl, but you cannot imagine the throat punch I wanted to give him when I started seeing him running the streets with her.

5.    Do you like her better than me?

About 90% of women’s irrational behaviour comes from the fact that we need to be #1 in a man’s life. It’s why women complain about anything that takes a man’s attention away from her. So while we might be able to tolerate you distracting yourself from your pain in the arms of a dumber, uglier, woman whom you treat like a dog; if we get the slightest inkling that you actually prefer her, someone’s getting a beating.

6. Does she know about me? Like, really?
Old heads such as myself may remember the first episode of Ally McBeal when she goes to work to find out she'll be working along side her ex and his new wife. She asks the ex if the next girl knows about her and he says "yes I told her we dated." Ally is not happy. Because "we dated" was not putting enough significance on their relationship. The ex girl wants the next girl to know how much you loved her so she feels appropriately threatened.

It pains me to admit it, but this is one area in which I am just like every other girl. As the girl who gave her ex the most spectacular pep talk before he walked down the aisle, I qualify for the title of coolest ex in the world but I still get irked by the next girl. Call me irrational, but I don't like the feeling that I've been tossed aside for someone inferior.

Ladies - are you with me on this one? Men - how do you feel about the next man?

A Throwback Post - The Little Engine that Could

I had a bit of a rough weekend with no time to write so I'm sharing a post from my old blog with you today.

Many years ago I went on a date with this guy. The date was so unspectacular that I literally cannot remember anything about it – nothing at all except that I parked my car in a green P lot near Yonge & College. Actually – that’s one thing I remember – he didn’t drive. And y’all know how I feel about that right?? He was a singer and male singers tend to annoy me. They just think they’re so NICE. Even when they look like the bottom of my shoe. This guy wasn’t that horrid but he definitely thought he was destined for superstardom and that I should count myself lucky that I was given an audience with him.

Anyway. Like I said, I wasn’t feeling this guy. So I thought I'd try a theory I read about that was supposed to guarantee you'd never hear from a guy again: just f*ck him. Literally, not figuratively. If you go on one date with a guy and you never want to see him again, sleep with him and chances are he’ll disappear from the face of the earth. 

So I brought him home with me. The foreplay must have been weak because I don’t remember it at all. What I do remember is the histrionics that ensued. Once I ascertained that he was inside me (and trust me I had to do an extremity-count because I couldn’t feel much) I was absolutely astounded by the caterwauling that went on. He was bucking and weaving, moaning and panting and sweating. And sweating. There was so much sweat I have to say it twice. This dude sweated out alllllll my edges. It was about 10,000,000 kilowatts of energy to light a 40-watt bulb. You know what I'm saying? I was completely flabbergasted. And thank G-d for that because if not I would have fallen asleep, it was that bad. I just laid there, watching this bead of sweat collecting at the tip of his chin and thinking “yes work that little d*ck boy”. And if you know me at all you know I don’t talk like that so trust me when I tell you it was so crazy it gave me multiple personalities. Anyway, to add insult to injury the shit didn’t go on very long either. No length, no girth, no stamina. Poor child. I feel sorry for his future wife.

It was over, he was wack, I was sleepy (and obviously needed a shower). He left, promising to call me the next day. And I guess the theory was correct because then…and THEN… and then he never called me!

p.s. I saw him a few months later and some party or another. He made the mistake of trying to speak to me. I gazed at him coolly over the tip of my cigarette and said “anything you have to say to me you should have said when you called me the day after you fucked me. Oh – wait, you didn’t. So please don’t speak to me.” Was that rude??

Max about town - Single Black Female at Toronto Centre for the Arts

This weekend I'm heading to see the play Single Black Female. I get a major late pass for waiting so long to write about this - it's a long story involving me not reading emails clearly and getting dates mixed up. But anyway. I'm going to see it and you should too. It's a two-woman show with rapid fire comic vignettes that explores the lives of these hip ladies as they search for love, clothes, and dignity. I'm pretty sure at least a few of you can relate and I know I will find something to write about.

It closes on Sunday (I know, I know - late pass!) but let's face it ladies, the men are occupied with the amazingness that is March Madness anyway so you might as well have a girl's night out. Here are the details:

VENUE:
Toronto Centre for the Arts, George Weston Recital Hall
5040 Yonge Street at Sheppard
www.tocentre.com

SHOW TIMES:
Saturday March 13- 8pm
Sunday March 14 -5pm
Friday March 19 -8pm
Saturday March 20 -5pm
Sunday March 21 -5pm

BOX OFFICE INFO:
Ticketmaster Phones - patrons call 416-872-1111 to order tickets by phone (service charges apply).
Ticketmaster online - patrons visit www.ticketmaster.ca to order tickets online (service charges apply).
Ticketmaster Outlets - patrons visit any Ticketmaster Outlet in Southern Ontario (service charges apply).
The Toronto Centre Box Office - patrons visit the Toronto Centre Box Office 11-6 Monday to Saturday, 12-4 on Sundays.
ToTix: online at www.totix.ca or In-Person at the T.O.TIX Booth located in downtown Toronto on Yonge-Dundas Square easily accessible by TTC (directly above Dundas Subway Station).
T.O.TIX is open from Tuesday-Saturday, 12noon-6:30pm
We give back: Part proceeds donated to various women's charitable organizations.
Visit www.SingleBlackFemaleThePlay.ca for more information.

SPONSORED BY:
Big it Up
Chakra Spa
CHRY
Ebony Soul
First Fridays
Harlem Restaurant
Mr. Caribbean
Novotel Hotel
Premier Jour
Softedge Consulting
Softsheen Carson

If you see the show, let me know what you think.

Yuck is in the Details

I'm not a romantic woman. I don't need soft music or rose petals to get me in the mood. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear will make me throw you out of bed. I think foreplay is over-rated. But there is one thing I insist on when it comes to secksy time: mood lighting.

It's not that I'm afraid of taking off my clothes with the lights on - I recognize that the minor imperfections that plague most women are virtually undetected by a man when he's looking at her naked. It's more that I think that certain parts of the body go down better with a little soft focus. In other words, I think vaginas and penises are effing ugly.

Let's really consider the vagina for a moment. Although it's often referred to as a flower, it looks more like a Venus Flytrap to me. I have no idea how any man can look at the gash head-on in broad daylight and say "yeah that looks like a safe place to stick my most prized possession".  I'm a woman and I can't make heads or tails of it - there are too many different colours and way too many nooks and crannies. Based on the way it looks, to me the vagina is like the Bermuda Triangle of human anatomy...some of the stuff that goes in there is never coming back out.

And then there's the penis. Lord knows I'm so very grateful for its invention, but I would really really prefer not to have to look at it full-on. It's...creepy. All those veins and different colours. And that weird slit at the top that looks like it's watching you.  If the vagina looks like a place you shouldn't go, the penis is like an extraneous third person who showed up out of nowhere. And don't even get me started on the uncircumcised ones. It's all just too much for my delicate constitution.

Now let me just say for the record that I recognize that being visually assaulted by seeing your partner's private parts is an essential part of sex. I accept that and it's not like I start freaking out and covering my eyes when a d*ck comes into view anymore. I'm just saying that all my sexual fantasies involve Idris Elba dim lighting. Because while God might be in the details when it comes to architecture, He was clearly looking elsewhere during the final approval of the private parts.

Happy Friday everyone!

Why are you yelling?

Once upon a time, a man and a woman lost their minds decided to move in together. The woman was easygoing and reasonable and the man was - well, not so much. Because of the woman's benevolence (and general superiority as a human being), on the rare occasions that the lovebirds fought, the arguments were quickly diffused by the woman, who valued peace over being right and was quick to offer up whatever was required to smooth things over; often it meant apologizing even though she was never not wrong.

One day the man and the woman were driving and got into a little disagreement. Before anyone knew what was happening, it erupted into a full-on fight. The man, having smoked crack or some other mind-altering substance, thought it would be a good idea to start yelling at the woman. And as he raged at her at a volume that was sure to break the sound barrier, the woman waited for a red light, got out of the car, went home and packed a bag. By the time the man made it home, the woman was on her way to Union station to catch the next train to her parents' house.

Seem a bit melodramatic to you?

As the woman in this fairytale, let me explain. I hate yelling. I will - and have - put up with a lot in my dealings with the opposite sex, but for me yelling is the point of no return; the exclusive domain of crazy bitches and soon-to-be-abusive boyfriends. And yet I hear stories all the time about people in relationships yelling at one another. I need someone to explain this to me. How is it ever okay for one hardback person to yell at another hardback person? This is what's hot in the streets? Are we so limited in our powers of communication that the only way we can express anger is through volume? Is yelling ever okay?

But back to my story. I never did get on the train that day. In the end, the man found me waiting at the bus stop and apologized to me. Profusely and sincerely (there were knees on the ground). It would have been a wholly satisfying experience if it weren't for his qualifier - "but I was mad".

Here's another thing I want you guys to explain to me, because "I was mad" is everyone's justification for yelling. If you can't help yelling at your SO when you get angry, what do you do when you boss pisses you off? Do you yell at him? If your mother enrages you (and Lord knows they do that), do you fly off the handle and tell her about her parts? I just don't buy it. I think the reason we yell at the one we love is that we've gotten a little too brave. At work, the fear of the pink slip will keep your anger in check. With Mommie Dearest, you know she will knock your teeth out if you raise your voice so you find a way to keep your cool. But with our mates it seems that our arrogance removes that little filter that tells us "this is not an appropriate way to speak to someone".

I warn the men that I get involved with from the beginning that I don't like yelling. Given the choice I would rather he curse me, spit at me, hell even piss on me before he raises his voice to me. And should he choose to do it anyway, he should be prepared for the consequences.

But tell me, oh collective voice of reason, am I way off-base here? Is yelling a normal part of the man-woman dynamic or am I within my rights to cut a dude who gets loud on me?

The 5 Men I've Never Met

I read UndressingHer's list of the 5 women he's never met and laughed my a$$ off. Here are the 5 men I've never met but desperately need to believe exist. If you're one of these types, get at me.

The 5 Men I’ve Never Met

1. The man who can disagree with me without trying to change my mind.

Ladies are familiar with the expression “agree to disagree” – why aren’t men? I like a man with an opinion on something other than Kobe vs. Lebron, but the ones who have one seem to want to shove it down my throat. Where is the man who will just let me think what I think?

2. The dapper dude who knows how to fix things.

Around these parts it seems I can either have a man who knows how to fix things but starts whining every time he has to wear a shirt with a collar or a man who can out-dress me but tells me to call my sister when I want to hook up my VCR. Where is the man who knows not to wear white socks with black shoes and also knows more about cars than I do?

3. A renaissance man who is not on his own nuts.
I love basketball and hip hop as much as the next dude, but I dream of finding a man with slightly broader horizons. I swear if I ever met a man who knew who Amiri Baraka is I would shoot my load right then and there. The trouble is, around these parts the nice guys seem to consider Family Guy high culture and the halfway cultured ones are self-satisfied pricks. Where is the middle ground?

4. A man who can talk about his feelings without being corny.
As I must have mentioned at some point or another, women learn everything about relationships from the movies. So what they want in life is a man who is going to ride up to their fire escape on a white horse and make a heartfelt declaration of his affection for her in front of her whole neighbourhood. Trouble is, when they do that it seems kinda...punkish, doesn't it? Have they invented the man who can make grandiloquent speeches about his feelings without looking like a herb?

5. A man who can f*ck who is not a complete a$$hole.
We've talked about this before. Why is it that the men who treat women like the bottom of their shoes are also the ones that can blow our backs out? Meanwhile, if we find a nice, respectful, mannerly man it's a guarantee he is a big snooze in bed. It's not fair. 


That's my wish list. Ladies - what type of man are you hoping to meet? Men - I'm not kidding, if you are one of these types let me know. I have an event coming up and I need a date!

The thing about squirting

For the past few weeks I've been immersing myself in the wonderful world of the female orgasm. Surprisingly enough, this is something I'd not given much thought to in my life. Now after Googling every possible iteration of "squirting girls", I'm on overload.
After a lot of marinating, this is what I've learned about squirting:

1. It freaks men the f*ck out.

I asked a lot of men about squirting and every one of them told me that the first time a girl squirted on them they freaked out and pushed her off them. They didn't know what it was and thought she was peeing on them. Now they like it.

2. It freaks women the f*ck out
Most women say that the first time they squirted they didn't know what the hell was happening to them. Apparently to novice squirters the sensation is similar to peeing so they try to hold it in.

3. Not on my sheets.

It seems men are down with squirting as long as it's happening on her sheets and she's sleeping in the wet spot.

4. Every girl can do it. Well, maybe.

I always thought some girls were squirters and some weren't. But it seems that may not be true. Apparently I can watch a video called Squirting for Dummies and learn how to become a human faucet myself.

5. It's not pee.

No one knows what it is that gushes out but it's definitely not pee. And that's really all the time I want to spend on that.

6. Guys take boosts off it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have read/heard about men saying that they feel like the f'in man (Hi Sam Sharpe) when a girl sqirts. It seems nothing makes a man feel like a king like a woman gushing some unidentified liquid all over him. 

For the first time ever, I have no opinion. To my knowledge I'm not a squirter but I have no aversion to becoming one. I don't think it's sexy but I don't think it's gross either. So on this wet drippy Friday tell me - what do you think about squirting? Like it? Hate it? Do it?

The Connection will not be Televised

I've spent most of my life being the voice of reason for my girlfriends. I've got it down to a science by now, to the point where I barely even need to listen to their tales of woe to know what their course of action should be. I still do though. Sometimes.

Probably about 90% of the problems I hear about are effed-up relationships. And of that 90%, about 90% of the excuses reasons I hear for why they stay in said effed-up relationships can be aggregated up to one sentence: "But we have a connection!".

Having been blessed at birth with reason and accountability, I tend not to think like a normal woman. Therefore it's a bit difficult for me to even understand what they're talking about when they start whining going on about connections. From what I gather, this is something beyond just liking or loving someone. It's greater than physical attraction. It seems a connection is something transcendental; a destiny-type thing if you wanna get all Love Jones about it. The mythical, magical, majestical connection seems to mean that this person is meant to be in your life, no matter how badly they behave.

Picture this foolishness: Woman meets Man. They feel an instant connection. They click. He gets her, his soul speaks to her soul, he completes her (barf). It's wonderful. It's the stuff that chick flicks are made of. They have a connection and it is beautiful. But as time goes on, things begin to change. Instead of cradling her lovingly while reading Love Letters of Great Men aloud, Man is now treating Woman like something distasteful he found at the bottom of his shoe. Woman's desperate pleas for things to go back to the way they were fall on Man's deaf ears. Woman comes to me asking for advice. I say "leave his trifling ass". But she just can't. Because they have a connection.

You know who really loves to talk about connections? People in love triangles. We all know this story - Man and Woman meet and have a connection but some type of circumstance either breaks them up or stops them from getting together. They go their separate ways and one or both of them becomes committed to someone else. But sooner or later, that pesky connection kicks back in and they just can't stay away from each other. Now they're wreaking all kinds of havoc in their lives and those of their unsuspecting partners and coming running to me for advice. Which is - say it with me now - leave his/her trifling ass. But they can't. Because they have a connection.

If I reach way back into the recesses of my memory, I can recall how amazing it feels to meet someone whom you click with. Someone who gets you, whose soul speaks to your soul, blah blah blah. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you find someone that you think was chosen for you by whatever higher power you believe in. But here's my thing. When that person starts to treat me like caca, I'm going to start using that connection to wipe my ass, because that's all it's good for.

The way I see it, women who play the connection card (and I'm singling out the ladies because I have never heard a man use this excuse) are just trying to avoid responsibility for their actions. Instead of growing stones and leaving a man in the dust when he treats her like doo doo, she blames it all on the connection - like a connection is a free pass for shitty behaviour.

Ladies, lean in close to the screen right now because I have something to tell you: a connection and $3 will get you on the bus.

Here's my take on connections. When things are good, they make them even better, but when things are bad, they don't do shit.  So why women work so hard to maintain their connection to someone who makes them feel like a bag of moldy ass is completely beyond me. I suspect this has something to do with television. We all watched Days of Our Lives back in the day when Kayla & Jack got back together even though he raped her way back when they were married. But life is not a soap opera, and a bad scene is a bad scene, even when you have a connection.

That's what I think - what do you guys think? Ladies do you give your man a longer rope when you feel there's a special connection? Men - do you even know when you have a connection with a woman? Educate me people.

Vibes or Politeness

While I liken the age of technology to the second coming of the Messiah - I'm all for anything that gets me out of talking on the phone - it does make life just a little more complicated. The advent of courtship via text, Facebook, Twitter, and other non-verbal methods of conversation can sometimes make things a little confusing.

For example, I once received an email from a man that said this: "As we get deeper into this I am still discovering what I want and what I need. There are lots about us that is awesome. There are also some elements of our relationship that I wish were different. I need to meet someone that meets all my needs while I am meeting their's[sic]". It took quite a few reads before I realized that yes, this asshole is really dumping me by email.

That may be an extreme example, but the fact is that all this textual relating we do can lead to mixed signals; particularly when things are new and we don't know each other very well. And even though I pride myself on my ability to see through other people's bullshit and get to the heart of the matter, I have been known to ask my friends on more than one occasion "Is he giving me vibes or is he just being polite?".

In a cheerier example, last summer I met an interesting man at an interesting event. We chatted on and off throughout the night - always in a group - and went our separate ways at the end of the evening with no offers or plans to speak again. But by the time I got home there was a Facebook friend request from him in which he mentioned how nice it was to meet me. Less than a week later he sent me a message with a link to an article he thought I might enjoy reading. I was like - is this vibes or politeness? The immediate friend-request suggested vibes, but the link to the article - with no extraneous commentary - said politeness.

Even when we're lucky enough to meet someone who piques our interest in the three-dimensional world, things can still get confusing. A few months ago I dragged myself out to a party even though I was sick. There I spotted a man whom I just had to meet. A mutual friend introduced us and we had a brief conversation during which he appeared completely disinterested. But at the end of it when he was saying goodbye, he rubbed my back and said "I hope you feel better soon". I couldn't figure out what it meant - the rubbing of the back suggested vibes but his words were nothing but polite.

All this "is he flirting with me or is he just being polite" stuff is enough to make a woman's head explode. These mental gymnastics bore me, so I'll usually just come out and ask "are you trying to bone me?" but I definitely don't advocate that approach as it leads to all types of trouble. But the fact is, non-verbal communication requires a gal to work on her deductive reasoning skills. Luckily for you all, I've come up with a list of the Top 5 Ways to Tell it's Vibes:

1. Faster than the speed of light
If you meet a man at 10pm and by midnight he's friend-requested you on Facebook or asking for your Blackberry PIN, it's probably vibes. While men will move quick when they think sex is imminent, they tend to be a bit more lethargic when it comes to politeness.

2. Gratuitous contact
If he's texting/calling/emailing/Facebook-ing you for a pretty flimsy reason, it's a good chance he's testing the waters to see if you're receptive to his vibes. The best example of this is when he contacts you to ask you some sh*t he could easily find out on his own or you have no earthly way of knowing.

3. Spontaneous offers of contact info
Ever have a Facebook chat or email exchange with a guy and all of a sudden he gives you his phone number? That's vibes.

He's gassing you up
Compliments - especially gratuitous ones - are a dead giveaway of vibes.

5. After-hours
If you're unsure whether the contact is vibes or politeness, consider the time of day it came. Most people's jones comes down at night so if he's thinking of you in the wee hours, it's a good chance some type of vibes is going on.

What do you guys think? Ladies how do you tell the difference between politeness and vibes? Men - how can a girl tell when a man is flirting?

Spreading myself all over

Check me out over at Met Another Frog talking about what women can learn from men about feelings or catch an oldie but goodie over at The Fresh Xpress

Nasty Fridays will resume next week. The research I've been doing on squirting per CHeeKZ's request has me traumatized.

Oh and if you're on Twitter send my bff @emti a birthday shout-out today. Even if you don't know her - she will appreciate it.

Can I have a hug?

A single woman has the one thing everyone in the world should value - freedom. You do what you want, when you want, if you want, and you never have to consider anyone's feelings but your own. If that isn't living, I don't know what is.

Now if you're a smart single woman, you've structured your life in such a way so as to leave no gaps. If you're me the kind of woman who hates plunging the toilet, you have a man on standby to do that. If you're the type that would rather commit suicide than go to a wedding alone, you have a date-in-a-jar ready and willing to accompany you. And of course, any single woman worth her salt has a maintenance man on speed-dial to keep her parts oiled. What more do you need?

The thing is though that no matter how happy we are to be single and no matter how many safeguards we put in place, there's one thing a single gal can't seem to get on tap: a little affection. Try calling your maintenance man and asking him to come over and give you a kiss on the forehead. Or ask your best male friend to come give you a squeeze because you've had a hard day and you'll see what I mean. As much as we single women know we don't need a man to make us happy, the truth we all don't like to acknowledge is that there's nothing more comforting than some good old-fashioned affection from a man.

Maybe other single ladies don't have this problem but affection is my kryptonite. Every once in a while when I feel like life is beating me down, I start to seriously contemplate giving up the glory of single life and finding a relationship. Not because of the double income, or the regular sex (although that has all kinds of appeal) but just for the sheer pleasure of having someone around who I can force to rub my head when it hurts or play with my hair while we watch TV. Then I remember that men stop doing that shit after they hit it the first time. And just like that, all's right in my world again.

Am I alone on this one? What do you guys feel you're missing out on in being single?

Canada vs. USA

Note: If you've found yourself here after Googling the results of yesterday's hockey game, you're lost and should probably leave now. This is definitely not the place for you.

The other day we talked about the drought that inevitably befalls every single woman at some point in time. And while the pursuit of dick-in-a-jar is one I wholeheartedly support, as previously discussed some wimps women decided to search for a boyfriend instead. Now for a single woman in Toronto this can pose a serious problem; this is a world-class city and all but the dating situation is dire. With what seems like 10 available women for every available man (9 of whom are simple bitches who will put up with all manner of bullshit just to keep his attention), it can be extremely difficult for a woman to find her next victim a mate in the city. If she's really serious about her search she's gonna have to diversify, but since Toronto is the epicentre of all things cool in Canada (sorry Vancouver, but you know it's true) there's not much point in casting your net north of the 49th. Unless you really want to live in Nunavut, that is. For the serious shopper, it's all about the American boy.

The trouble is, while we Canadians have a pretty good grasp of American culture, I have my doubts as to whether an American dude really knows what he's getting into when he decides to wife a Canuck. So I have compiled a handy dandy list of the things your Yankee man must understand before he moves to Canada. 

1. No Stacy Adams

This is what I think of when I think of American guys and I think my feelings on the subject can be best expressed in the words of the great Trinity Chris: "Bun a tight pants and a square front shoes". I don't know if people even still wear these, but if you come up here in some snakeskin ankle boots, you're gonna look like a freshie and embarrass your girl.

2. Fahrenheit: Opiate of the Masses

As far as I can see, Fahrenheit was invented to blow smoke up people's ass about the temperature. It's just a ploy to make the winter seem less cold - doesn't 32° sound a whole lot better than 0°?  Up here, we don't lie to ourselves about the weather.

3. Beaver tails are one thing, but ya'll are nasty

Chitterlings, ham hocks, barbecued pig's feet? Please check it at the border before you cross.

4. Nationalism? Doesn't really fly here

We know you guys rep the stars & stripes for life, but we don't really wanna hear that mess up here. Yes we went hard for Team Canada last night but in general we don't even love our own country so we damn sure don't want to hear about yours.

5. Talk di tings dem

You're not gonna make it up here if you look confused every time someone asks you wha gwaan or you don't know why you should be worried that there's a duppy in your house.  And if you screw up your face when someone offers you ackee & saltfish you're automatically deported.

6. Drake is not the messiah

Now that the hockey thing is all sewn up there's nothing that fills Canadians with more pride than Drizzy. But we are aware that he is not the first great rapper we've produced. Please get up to speed on Saukrates, Kardi, and Maestro or relinquish your right to talk about hip hop as soon as you enter the country.

7. Learn to like talking about weather

Eff hockey, that is our national pastime

Welcome to Canada. Enjoy your stay eh?