Note: If you've found yourself here after Googling the results of yesterday's hockey game, you're lost and should probably leave now. This is definitely not the place for you.
The other day we talked about the drought that inevitably befalls every single woman at some point in time. And while the pursuit of dick-in-a-jar is one I wholeheartedly support, as previously discussed some wimps women decided to search for a boyfriend instead. Now for a single woman in Toronto this can pose a serious problem; this is a world-class city and all but the dating situation is dire. With what seems like 10 available women for every available man (9 of whom are simple bitches who will put up with all manner of bullshit just to keep his attention), it can be extremely difficult for a woman to find her next victim a mate in the city. If she's really serious about her search she's gonna have to diversify, but since Toronto is the epicentre of all things cool in Canada (sorry Vancouver, but you know it's true) there's not much point in casting your net north of the 49th. Unless you really want to live in Nunavut, that is. For the serious shopper, it's all about the American boy.
The trouble is, while we Canadians have a pretty good grasp of American culture, I have my doubts as to whether an American dude really knows what he's getting into when he decides to wife a Canuck. So I have compiled a handy dandy list of the things your Yankee man must understand before he moves to Canada.
1. No Stacy Adams
This is what I think of when I think of American guys and I think my feelings on the subject can be best expressed in the words of the great Trinity Chris: "Bun a tight pants and a square front shoes". I don't know if people even still wear these, but if you come up here in some snakeskin ankle boots, you're gonna look like a freshie and embarrass your girl.
2. Fahrenheit: Opiate of the Masses
As far as I can see, Fahrenheit was invented to blow smoke up people's ass about the temperature. It's just a ploy to make the winter seem less cold - doesn't 32° sound a whole lot better than 0°? Up here, we don't lie to ourselves about the weather.
3. Beaver tails are one thing, but ya'll are nasty
Chitterlings, ham hocks, barbecued pig's feet? Please check it at the border before you cross.
4. Nationalism? Doesn't really fly here
We know you guys rep the stars & stripes for life, but we don't really wanna hear that mess up here. Yes we went hard for Team Canada last night but in general we don't even love our own country so we damn sure don't want to hear about yours.
5. Talk di tings dem
You're not gonna make it up here if you look confused every time someone asks you wha gwaan or you don't know why you should be worried that there's a duppy in your house. And if you screw up your face when someone offers you ackee & saltfish you're automatically deported.
6. Drake is not the messiah
Now that the hockey thing is all sewn up there's nothing that fills Canadians with more pride than Drizzy. But we are aware that he is not the first great rapper we've produced. Please get up to speed on Saukrates, Kardi, and Maestro or relinquish your right to talk about hip hop as soon as you enter the country.
7. Learn to like talking about weather
Eff hockey, that is our national pastime
Welcome to Canada. Enjoy your stay eh?
