The Next Girl

 Even when they’re done properly, there are a lot of things that suck about breakups. The missing, the crying, the what-ifs, the things he left behind – it’s all a big ball of misery. But for women the worst part of a breakup is discovering that her ex has a new girl. Whether it happens two weeks or two years later and no matter whether she was the dumper or the dumped, no woman can claim to be unaffected by the fact that another woman is occupying her position of honour in the ex man’s life.

The emergence of the next girl kicks us into detective mode; I think the expression “know thy enemy” was created for this very situation. We creep Facebook and Twitter, we snoop, we make subtle inquiries, we put our friends on full-on spy alert to find out what we can about this interloper. For some reason, women have to compile a dossier on the next girl, the contents of which determine how we feel about the situation.

Top 5 things we need to know about the next girl.

1.  Her name.

Knowing the next girl’s name is critical. It helps us determine what “kind” of girl you’re dealing with – we think we can tell things like whether she’s pretty, smart, or classy by her first name. It’s patently ridiculous, but it’s essential information.

2.  How long has this been going on?

We need to know whether we need to cut her the next time we see her. Obviously if her stint overlaps ours, she’s a dead gyal walking. If she allowed for a reasonable mourning period before swooping in for the kill, we’ll let her live. For now.

3.  Is she prettier than I am?

Most girls are highly aggrieved if they find out that the next girl is prettier than she is. But as someone who has had the experience of the next girl who favours one ol' piece of dry up cho-cho, let me tell you there is nothing more insulting than the fact that your ex man would rather be with an ugly girl than you. Same logic applies to intelligence and success.

4. Are you being nicer to her than you were to me?

I dealt with a man once who never wanted to go anywhere with me. I don’t know if it was laziness or cheapness or he had another woman (or all three) but it was like pulling teeth to get this guy out on the road with me. When we split up I wasn’t that upset and I was only slightly irked when I found out about the next girl, but you cannot imagine the throat punch I wanted to give him when I started seeing him running the streets with her.

5.    Do you like her better than me?

About 90% of women’s irrational behaviour comes from the fact that we need to be #1 in a man’s life. It’s why women complain about anything that takes a man’s attention away from her. So while we might be able to tolerate you distracting yourself from your pain in the arms of a dumber, uglier, woman whom you treat like a dog; if we get the slightest inkling that you actually prefer her, someone’s getting a beating.

6. Does she know about me? Like, really?
Old heads such as myself may remember the first episode of Ally McBeal when she goes to work to find out she'll be working along side her ex and his new wife. She asks the ex if the next girl knows about her and he says "yes I told her we dated." Ally is not happy. Because "we dated" was not putting enough significance on their relationship. The ex girl wants the next girl to know how much you loved her so she feels appropriately threatened.

It pains me to admit it, but this is one area in which I am just like every other girl. As the girl who gave her ex the most spectacular pep talk before he walked down the aisle, I qualify for the title of coolest ex in the world but I still get irked by the next girl. Call me irrational, but I don't like the feeling that I've been tossed aside for someone inferior.

Ladies - are you with me on this one? Men - how do you feel about the next man?