I had a bit of a rough weekend with no time to write so I'm sharing a post from my old blog with you today.
Many years ago I went on a date with this guy. The date was so unspectacular that I literally cannot remember anything about it – nothing at all except that I parked my car in a green P lot near Yonge & College. Actually – that’s one thing I remember – he didn’t drive. And y’all know how I feel about that right??
He was a singer and male singers tend to annoy me. They just think they’re so NICE. Even when they look like the bottom of my shoe. This guy wasn’t that horrid but he definitely thought he was destined for superstardom and that I should count myself lucky that I was given an audience with him.
Anyway. Like I said, I wasn’t feeling this guy. So I thought I'd try a theory I read about that was supposed to guarantee you'd never hear from a guy again: just f*ck him. Literally, not figuratively. If you go on one date with a guy and you never want to see him again, sleep with him and chances are he’ll disappear from the face of the earth.
So I brought him home with me. The foreplay must have been weak because I don’t remember it at all. What I do remember is the histrionics that ensued. Once I ascertained that he was inside me (and trust me I had to do an extremity-count because I couldn’t feel much) I was absolutely astounded by the caterwauling that went on. He was bucking and weaving, moaning and panting and sweating. And sweating. There was so much sweat I have to say it twice. This dude sweated out alllllll my edges. It was about 10,000,000 kilowatts of energy to light a 40-watt bulb. You know what I'm saying? I was completely flabbergasted. And thank G-d for that because if not I would have fallen asleep, it was that bad. I just laid there, watching this bead of sweat collecting at the tip of his chin and thinking “yes work that little d*ck boy”. And if you know me at all you know I don’t talk like that so trust me when I tell you it was so crazy it gave me multiple personalities. Anyway, to add insult to injury the shit didn’t go on very long either. No length, no girth, no stamina. Poor child. I feel sorry for his future wife.
It was over, he was wack, I was sleepy (and obviously needed a shower). He left, promising to call me the next day. And I guess the theory was correct because then…and THEN… and then he never called me!
p.s. I saw him a few months later and some party or another. He made the mistake of trying to speak to me. I gazed at him coolly over the tip of my cigarette and said “anything you have to say to me you should have said when you called me the day after you fucked me. Oh – wait, you didn’t. So please don’t speak to me.” Was that rude??
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Sam Sharpe · 796 weeks ago
"Once I ascertained that he was inside me (and trust me I had to do an extremity-count because I couldn’t feel much) I was absolutely astounded by the caterwauling that went on"
and then this brought on full on laughter:
"It was about 10,000,000 kilowatts of energy to light a 40-watt bulb"
and then this made my coworkers ask me what the hell is so funny:
" I just laid there, watching this bead of sweat collecting at the tip of his chin and thinking “yes work that little d*ck boy”"
So Max, please, I beg you. Because I come to your blog while I'm out working for the man, for the sake of my job security, please warn me ahead of time that this shit is going to be real, real, real hilarious....
....love the use of the word 'caterwauling'....
Anike Love · 796 weeks ago
OMG, THIS was toooo hilarious. Those type of guys are the WORSE, makes you feel like they've violated the sanctity of the vagi-gi, tsk tsk.
maxfab 81p · 796 weeks ago
WWD · 796 weeks ago
Seriously though, I don’t get that whole call the next day thing especially if it was a less than desirable experience. And besides, weren’t you in the room too? Why is it always the dude’s responsibility to call the next day?
I would think that if girlfriend doesn’t call me and I don’t call her we are both saying quite clearly that neither of us is interested in that ever happening again. If either party initiates the call then there is a chance for more, however that manifests itself.
I think I would be more offended had he said nothing. To at least acknowledge you demonstrates proper manners and a willingness to let bygones be bygones. Who needs to be carrying around pent up animosities for a little bad sex. There are far too many opportunities for that.
maxfab 81p · 796 weeks ago
Why is it the man's responsibility to call? Because men are the ones with all the charming double standards about women who give it up too easily/too soon. Men have given women a complex about not being respected after they've given up the drawers, and the price you pay for that is that you make the effing post-sex phone call to let her know you respect her. If you don't then yeah - don't call. Thus proving my point that it's a sign of disrespect not to call a woman after sex.
And FYI it doesn't matter if you fail to see the significance of the phone call because this is one of those things that is actually not about you.
Anon · 796 weeks ago
WWD · 796 weeks ago
What’s more, I know you (women) know this I just don’t know why it’s so difficult to accept.
Jemsstar · 796 weeks ago
WWD · 796 weeks ago
Goddess Intellect · 796 weeks ago
First time commenter, fellow Torontonian.
Ummm wow, lets see
I dont think you were rude, but you def sucker punched dudes ego at the party ...whatever was left of it anyway.
What was he tryna ask you? I'm curious to know....even tho i know?!! lol
From the sounds of it, he maybe was tryna break the ice and sensed from the jump (the moment he entered you) that this was not going anywehere. I mean im sure you werent huffing and puffing then cuddling with him after...so I'm sure he's not completely stupid and got the hint that ummm you were no where near satisfied.
So I think embarassment and damaged ego were the reasons for him not to call.
And if not that....
men who are feelin themselves and are off in never never land think that they are so good in bed that they shouldnt have to call...shyt I dont know, but this post was hilarious.