Have you voted yet??
In the weeks since I wrote my post on not wanting a man to um, eat at my table, I’ve had a lot of men eat my pussy extoll the virtues of their muff-diving techniques. This has led to me to two important conclusions; there are a lot of men out there whose head skills are lacking, and the reason I'm not that into it is that I haven't had enough good top.
And because the purpose of this blog is to instigate educate as much as it is to entertain, today I'm schooling my dudes on the proper way to nyam.
Now before you decide to forge a union between your mouth and her honey pot, please commit the following guidelines to memory:
1. Don't bite, don't blow into her, and for the love of Nasty Fridays please do not spit into her. I mean seriously - who does that?
2. The scratch & sniff is imperative. Once you're down there you are not allowed to complain about smell, taste, or excessive wetness. So please make sure you vetted the fruit before you declared it edible. If you failed to do your due diligence beforehand, you’re shit out of luck.
Oh and by the way – you are also not allowed to take breaks to brush your teeth or gargle with Listerine because you “need to get that taste out of your mouth”. That’s effing rank.
3. Be into it. A lot of girls are self-conscious about their ladyparts and will get tense when you go in for your close-up. If you make her feel like her flower is the best thing you’ve seen, smelled, or tasted, everyone’s gonna have a good time.
Alright. Let’s get into the nitty gritty of eating the clitty.
1. A good lead up is great
This applies to everyone, but it’s especially helpful for my friends who are not 100% confident in their skills. The best thing you can do for yourself is to whip your girl into a frenzy of anticipation. That way, by the time you make the first stroke of the tongue she’ll be so relieved it will take her a good 5-10 minutes before she realizes your head game is weak. So before you go for the gold, start by breathing gently over the puss. Kiss her thighs. Run your tongue along them near the sweetspot without actually touching it. You get the idea right? It’s the everything but approach. If you do this properly she will be thrusting the ladyflower at your face begging you to sniff it. And that’s always a good thing.
One caveat here though – don’t drag this on too long or you’ll anger her. As a wise man once told me “you got to tease but don’t play”.
2. Go easy on the clit
Gentlemen, lean in and read this closely: the clitty is a sensitive thing. There’s like 9,999,999,999 nerve endings in that bitch alright? Tread lightly because too much pressure, suction, or friction will turn the lake into a desert if you know what I mean. Handle it with care.
3. Pay attention to your surroundings
If you want the title of master of cunnilingus, you’ve got to get at the surrounding area. Start from the clit and work it all the way back to her ass (And get in there if you’re bad – I already schooled you on the beauty of the tossed salad). Make sure you’re not putting all your attention on the clit, the lips and the hole need love too.
4. Get it in
Speaking of the hole, did you know that the majority of the vagina’s nerve endings are around or just inside the opening? I know my small-penis dudes know this This means they should be just in reach of your tongue. And trust me, a tongue in the hole is a good look. A great look if you ever plan to go down on me.
3. Learn the art of communication
Like my homeboy @Nickel_Slikk said, the number one key to succeeding at top is to pay attention to verbal instructions and non-verbal signs. Some women are going to tell you in explicit detail what to put where, when, and for how long. Please listen to her if you want her to have a good time. But with other women, your only way to know you’re winning or losing is by listening to her breathing, the noises she’s making, and her overall body language. So please take a moment to “survey the scene and see what’s good” (copyright @DrJayJack) if you want to show her a good time.
5. A little suck does a lotta good
Now I know I told you to tread lightly with the clitoris and that’s true. But I don’t want you to fear it. When handled with care, the sensitivity of the little clitty can be your greatest ally. A well-timed and delicately-administered clit suck can elevate you to God of Pussy Eating status…and what man doesn’t want that?
Okay those are the basic tips. But I do have some advanced techniques for those of you who are looking to have her strung out on your ish:
1. Try a new position
No woman is going to throw you out of bed for using the classic she lies down, you get between her legs position but try this on for size:
Hold her upside down in front of you. Keep her head and shoulders resting on the bed with her back resting against your stomach and chest. Because you’re holding her, she won’t be bearing all the pressure on the back of her neck. Have her wrap her legs around your head and lock her feet behind your neck. Wrap your arms around her stomach and then simply lower your face to the puss. This is beautiful because she gets the pleasure of oral plus the head rush of being upside down.
FYI you need to be in shape to pull this off so it’s strictly for live men. For my freshmen who are looking to switch it up, just have her sit on your face.
2. Go for the G
While you’ve got your mouth down there, use your fingers or a toy to get at her G spot. She might squirt in your mouth, but she’ll love you for life.
3. Heat it up…or cool it down
Warming or cooling elements in your mouth while you’re down there can add a little extra thrill to the experience and dilute the taste of pussyjuice for the squeamish. Pop an Altoid, get you some Dentyne Fire, or go for a stimulating lube that adds a little zip but won't poison you.
4. Try this trick – the tongue tube
If you were genetically blessed with the ability to roll your tongue into a tube, why not make a clit sandwich? Roll your tongue around her little bud and then slide it up and down until she explodes. Thank me later.
And this concludes Cunnilingus 101 with Professor Max. I hope you’re all ready for the exam. It’s oral of course. Hahaha.
What are your top tips for good carpet munching? Ladies did I leave anything out? And men – I’m looking for someone who has successfully pulled off the upside-down head position…if you’ve done this, get at me because I have a birthday coming and that would make a great gift. It’s Friday – over-share in the comments.
