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Those of you who follow me on twitter should be well aware by now of my fixation with the Fed Ex man who delivers to my office. Any day that my stalking efforts pay off and I have the good fortune to run into him is a beautiful day and it’s not uncommon to see me tweet something along the lines of “I want the Fed Ex guy to do very bad things to me”.
For some reason, I can’t just appreciate his beauty or enjoy the witty banter we exchange in the elevator. It’s not even enough for me to say I have to have him. He’s in a whole other category of attractiveness that is almost dangerous.
My fixation on Mr. Fed Ex during my daily nail-painting sessions has led me to the realization that the men who light a fire in my groin catch my eye tend to fall into different categories. Generally speaking if I'm lusting after someone he is inspiring one of the following thoughts:
1. I want to get naked with him
At some point in life I think I wrote about the fact that if I’m interested in a man I picture him naked. This is the category he will graduate to if I like what I see in the mental picture. I’m attracted, I want to show him my lady parts, but I’m not losing too much sleep over it. These are the if it happens it happens kind of guys.
2. I want to hear him snore
If I catch myself wondering what a guy’s feet look like (rather than other much more important body parts I could be picturing), what he likes to eat for breakfast, or whether he snores it’s like a big DANGER! sign flashing in my brain. These are the men that I both lust after and genuinely like, and they must be snuffed off the face of the earth immediately before I catch feelings and have to turn in my player’s card.
3. I want him to make me question my morals
This is the holy grail of attractiveness and a man usually reaches this status by being really sexy, really smart, or really dirty. They don’t come around very often, but when they do, these men cloud my judgment in dangerous ways. A man in this category could get a coochie shot even though I am against them and he might even rate a sleepover, if for no other reason than he’s had his way with me and left my clothes in shreds.
Is it just me, or is this attractiveness-classification that my ladyflower brain automatically conducts a little odd? Am I the only one who does this? What categories do you put the objects of your lust in? Speak on it in the comments.
