Hot Talks

First things first - have you voted for me yet?All the info you need is right here.

Those of you who have been paying attention around here should realize three things about me:

1. I like sex
2. I like talking about sex
3. I like to use the dirty words

It should come as no surprise to you then that I really like dirty talk. So much so that I - a woman who refuses to instruct a man on how to give me what I want in the bedroom -  command every man who isn't offering up the smut to give me some hot talks.

In the immortal words the great Luvvie "hot talks give me life!"

I get a fair amount of emails and dm's from female readers asking me for advice about talking dirty to their men; particularly when it comes to dirty texting or dirty gchatting. It seems a lot of ladies out there are shy about it. The short version of my advice to them is basically this: get over yourself. You might feel silly texting your man saying "I want your c*** in my p***" but please believe he does not feel silly reading it unless he's a panty meat. In my opinion all you have to do to succeed at hot talks is to let your dirty mind drift and take homeboy along for the ride.

But for those of you who are still a little nervous about it, here are some tips to release your inner hot talks:

1. Ask Questions

In or out of the bedroom, questions are a win for novice dirty talkers. It is also the #swindle a man will use to lead you into a hot talk without your knowledge but that's another post for another day. If you want to break out the dirty talks while you're getting your thronx on, try questions like this:

Beginner: Do you like the way it feels when I ___ your ____?
Advanced: Whose d*** is this?!?

2. Flattery will get you everywhere

One of the greatest things about men is how much they are driven by their egos. Therfore, playing to their conceit will almost always work. Any woman's magazine worth the paper its printed on will tell you that compliments always win with a man and hot talk time is no exception. Try one of these on for size:

Beginner: You're so sexy
Intermediate: I love it when you ____ my ____
Advanced: I f****** love your huge d***

3. Give Orders

Now ladies, never before and never again will you see me sanctioning you ordering your man around so please take note of this. Said to the right dude in the right tone, a command is a win. When you start bossing your man around the bedroom he'll either be so turned on that his normally meek woman has gone all dominatrix on him that he'll be like a greedy kid in a candy store, or he'll be so appalled that you dared give him orders that he'll work overtime to remind you that he's running the show.

These are both really, really good things.

Try these on for size:

Beginner: Come over
Intermediate: Come over here and ride me hard

Advanced: F*** me

5. When it doubt, just curse

If you're really at a loss for words, just throw out an ecstatic "Oh fuck", "oh shit", or "oh God". This will tide you over until you come up with something truly raunchy to hurry him along so you can get to sleep knock his socks off.

6. Bold Declarations

Similar to giving orders, making bold statements can get you and your man revved up nicely and with a quickness. The thing is though - you have to be able to back it up. You can't be texting your man talking about I'll do things to you Vanessa Del Rio would be shamed to do and then once you get to his place you're complaining about your jaw hurts. That's a fail and you deserve a lifetime of celibacy as punishment. But if you're sure you got the goods to back it up, try writing a cheque that your man is gonna do his damndest to cash.

My beginner and intermediate ladies might want to skip this one. For my advanced ladies, I've had a lot of success with saying try something like "If I put my mouth on your c*** you will fall in love with me".

That usually sparks their interest.

How do you guys feel about hot talks? Ladies are you shy? Men - any of you choose not to participate? And since Fridays are for over-sharing, tell me what the hottest thing anyone ever said to you was....