Throwback Post: Random Funny Story

Another funny from my old blog. Sorry everyone - Nasty Fridays will resume next week.

Many, many years ago I had a little on again, off again thing with this guy. He was a rapper of moderate fame in Canada and when things first began with him his star was on the rise so he was pretty busy. Hence the transient nature of our...affair?

Anyway. Whatever you want to call it, it went on for months and it involved secks. A fair amount of it. And fainting. I once fainted during secksy time with this guy; which I believe he took as a testament to his manhood but in actuality was probably because all my fake ardor caused me to start hyperventilating. But whatevs. 

Where was I? So it went on for a few months and then died out because I moved back home to London. When I moved back I was busy not being called by various other riff raff so I really wasn't thinking about him at all.  But then one day I bumped into him at Fluid.  He was with some friends of his who were also friends of mine so by the end of the night our two groups had converged into one happy family. 

Now he has this one pervy friend who had taken a shine to my sister. So at the end of the night while she was being molested by dancing with him, Mr Rapper Man and I found ourselves standing relatively close to one another watching them. We hadn't spoken all night so I decided to be a big girl and go talk to him. So I went over, we started chatting. It soon became very apparent that had been brushed with the drunken stick. I persevered - what else did I have to do? And I guess in his extremely inebriated state he mistook my dogged friendliness for...interest?  Because he said to me "...if you're wondering what it would be like to be with me we could make that happen..."

Um, excuse me?

First of all, who SAYS that? And secondly, in the immortal words of Darius Lovehall: "we've already done it! I mean, repeatedly!"

And that's all there is to say about that isn't there?

Crash the Car

The ever-talented Dr.Jay returns with his take on yesterday's post. I thought my idea was good but his is sheer evil genius. After you read this, check him out over at your favourite blogger's favourite blog.


Have you ever been on a different page than someone else? However, you were afraid of how they would react if you told them the reality of the situation? Today’s session is about crashing the car. I had a friend who was telling me about a situation she was going through with a male friend who may be thinking the relationship is more than friends, but she was afraid for her safety if she didn’t just go along with what he was thinking and manage her own actions. I told her, “Sometimes you have to get in their lane and then crash the car.”


Here’s what I’m talking about:


Sometimes men and women meet and the guy is thinking in his head that he would like to sleep with or date the lady. In her mind, she is like I just want to be friends. As most men typically will say, he agrees and says yes, let’s just be friends. He says this, but his opinion will never change, EVER. Final Answer.


As friends they hang out a few times and they start to hang out regularly. But in her mind, he’s just a friend. At some point she wants to do something else other than hang with the guy and it upsets the guy because in his mind, he’s trying to talk to this girl and she’s not being responsive. He may react, snap back at her, send a dry or angry text message, etc. She’s wondering why he’s doing this and thinks that maybe he’s just a little sensitive. Going forward and after several conversations or email exchanges about the nature of the relationship and that she is not interested in any type of relationship outside of friendship, he still insists that it’s cool that they remain friends. BUT IN HIS MIND, he’s thinking that this is merely a setback and proceeds as planned. Some guys will even go as far as to start to act out because in their mind, arguments are a sign of a good/healthy relationship. Be careful to check your Terrorist Alert Advisory Level.


So what do you do? How do you get this guy to lay off without causing him to do something crazy that may involve him harming himself or you? You have to get in his lane. So slide into his lane of “talking”. Get him to think that you are being responsive to his advances. And then you CRASH THE CAR. Find a way for him to find out that you are talking to someone else, or that you are a horrible person to be in a romantic situation with.


Here are some ways you can do that:


1. Send him a text in the morning, after not seeing him the previous night saying, “Had a great time, we should get up again soon.” When he receives it he’ll think that you’re talking to someone else and get upset and be done with you. Although you totally fabricated this situation. (I am guilty of pulling this text trick. It works like a charm).


2. After some time, ask him if he would have a problem if you were talking to other guys while talking to him. Because men are territorial, he’ll say no he has no problem, but now that he knows that it will begin to bother him and he’ll begin to waver.


3. Just be a horrible person to be talking to. Turn off your phone at night. Disappear for hours. Change/cancel plans. I mean flat out just frustrate this guy once you are “talking”. He’ll see a big difference between when you were just friends and now that you’re talking and fade to black.


In Dr. J’s opinion, there’s nothing wrong with a little Phantom of the Opera.


So what do you guys think? Will Dr. Jay's method work to get rid of the dude who can't take a hint? The next time I have a pest I'm giving it a try.

Pest Control

It is a sad but true fact that into every woman’s life a little infestation must fall. For us gals, the existence of pests is as ubiquitous as a trip to the feminine care aisle at Shopper’s and every bit as unpleasant. 

These pests come in many forms – an ex who just needs one more chance, a completely unsuitable man we gave some to in a moment of weakness, or a poor sap whose only crime is residing on the wrong rung of the ladder.

Whoever he is, a pest can make a woman’s life a living hell. On the surface he seems like a great guy – he’ll call you just to see how you are, he’ll bring you Tim Horton’s when you’re having a late-night craving, and he is ready and willing to take you out for Valentine’s Day. Problem is he’s calling you while you’re staring at the phone willing the guy you really want to call you. He wants to stay – and will try to bone – after he’s dropped off your Tim’s. And while he might bring you flowers when he picks you up for your Valentine’s date, he’ll spend the whole evening staring at you with this pathetic hangdog look that makes you just want to slap the sh*t out of him.

So what’s a girl to do with a pest? Word on the street is a woman has three choices:

1. Ignore him
A lot of women say that this just feels wrong. It’s mean to ignore people, isn’t it? But are they really that nice? Or are their heads being gassed up by all this attention? I think you know the answer to that.

2. Tell him the truth.
It might be mean, but nothing says go away like a text message saying “You’re annoying and I will never, ever want you. Ever.”

3. Grit your teeth and tolerate your pest until he loses interest and finds someone else to harass love.
Unfortunately, your pest will most likely misinterpret your gritted-teeth tolerance as encouragement. This man is clueless and he lacks the natural filter that distinguishes politeness from vibes.

So I ask the question again – what’s a girl to do?

A couple of months ago I took the question to the streets i.e. Twitter and Facebook. I asked the ladies “How do you deal with a man who’s a pest and won’t leave you alone?” The answers were pretty evenly divided between ignore, tell him to buzz off, and grit your teeth and bear it. So I took it to the men to see if they had anything illuminating to add.  They all said they would tell a pest to go away. Me? I have a different tactic: fall in love with your pest.

I know you’re thinking I’m crazy right now, so let me school you. It is a fundamental fact of dating life that a man wants that which he cannot have. Men get off on the douleur exquise and no one more so than a pest. So why not remove the thrill and faux-fall in love? It’s quick, it’s dirty, it does the job every time. If your pest is blowing up your phone, just pick it up, act thrilled to hear from him, and launch into an ultra-excited diatribe about your day. Make sure you drag it out until his phone battery dies. Pester your pest about his schedule and try to fill every empty window of his time. And instead of ignoring his eyes when he stares at you with desperate wanting, gaze lovingly at him every chance you get.

In other words, give your pest a taste of his own medicine. It works every time.

A little fun on a Monday: My Market Value

UPDATE: I don't know what I was smoking when I posted this, but I've updated it so that the link to the test actually goes to the test. My score is posted in the comments.

This past weekend I was searching for inspiration and came across this "Dating Market Value Test" on Citizen Renegade. There's one for women and one for men and the number of points you get determines your value on the dating market. I think you should all take this test and tell me your score in the comments but in the meantime, take a look at the possible outcomes and guess which one I am?

-83:  You are proof that God does not exist, but that Satan does.

-82 to -56:  You’re an omega.  If it makes you feel better you will have your choice of male omegas to bang.

-55 to -40:  The majority of men are disgusted by the sight of you.  Your kind will suffer most when our sexbot overlords arrive.  Losers hit on you constantly figuring they have a chance.

-39 to -20:  You were born to cockblock.  But you’ll manage to marry a table scrap.

-19 to -5:  Lesser beta.  The men you want make fun of you out of earshot.  You spend many years learning how to settle for mediocre betas.

-4 to 14:  Classic beta.  Your hot friends always gets hit on first, but if you really tramp it up you can snag a slightly better than average guy to take you home for a single night of commitment.

15 to 29:  Greater beta.  More than a few attractive guys will approach you.  But if your personality is flawed you risk becoming a pump and dump victim.

30 to 43:  You are officially a nascent alpha female.  A lot of quality guys will hit on you and you will be able to pick and choose at your leisure.  But don’t push it.  You’re not quite hot enough to string guys along forever.

44 to 55:  You’re a bona fide hottie.  Nearly every guy who meets you agrees you are a hottie.  So does every girl.  This puts you in the top 1% of worldwide womanhood.  With great power comes great responsibility, so try to limit the number of men you torture with blueballs and LJFB rejections to fewer than 100 in your social circle.  As long as you are not a complete bitch, marriage with a top quality man will come easily to you.

56 to 63:  Guys want you, girls want to be you.  You are just short of perfection, which paradoxically means you will get hit on more than the super alpha females.  You are a player’s greatest challenge, and his greatest reward, because unlike the perfect woman there is still something human about you.  Sex, love, security, commitment, easy living… you have it all.  Only your demons can defeat you.

64:  Super Alpha.  The world is yours.  Life is an endless parade of joy and excitement.  Your power is illimitable… for now.

I'll post the correct answer tonight. Whoever guesses right wins the Hands-Down Favourite Commenter of All Time prize.

Black Man Sexy

My male readers often accuse me of bashing them so today's post is in honour of man. The Black man, that is. Because while I appreciate Brad Pitt as much as the next white girl, there is no sexy like Black Man Sexy.

And because I'm writing this at an ung-dly hour of the night, with no further ado I bring you...

5 Things that just look better on a Black man.

1. The threads

A well-dressed man is always a good thing, but a well-dressed Black man is a very good thing. I don't know what it is but put Chris Rock (mediocre at best) in a beautiful suit next to Dr. Mark Sloan (sexiest White guy on earth) in a beautiful suit and watch McSteamy disappear. Also? Black men are the only men on earth who look sexy in track pants.

2. The vocab
Big words are hot no matter who is saying them, but have you ever had a conversation with a Black man and he dropped a word like "concupiscence" on you? Good lord! Just mop me off the floor.

3. The muscles
A sexy body is a beautiful thing, but a well-built Black man is like a joyful noise unto the Lord. There is no better sight in life than a Black man's finely-sculpted back.

4. The jargon
Now this one is probably just for advertising nerds like me because I swoon in general for men with strategic minds. But a Black man who can calculate cost-per-reach-point and actually knows why I should care about it? Oh my word. (sidebar: I'm not talking about those twitter philosophers who just tweet cryptic bullsh*t about branding. That's not sexy)

5. The ass
Oh boy, a Black man's ass. I have no words.

Bonus: Eyelashes. Black men have the cutest eyelashes ever. Random and not really sexy but true.

I have to go now!