Cunnilingus 101

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In the weeks since I wrote my post on not wanting a man to um, eat at my table, I’ve had a lot of men eat my pussy extoll the virtues of their muff-diving techniques. This has led to me to two important conclusions; there are a lot of men out there whose head skills are lacking, and the reason I'm not that into it is that I haven't had enough good top.

And because the purpose of this blog is to instigate educate as much as it is to entertain, today I'm schooling my dudes on the proper way to nyam.

Now before you decide to forge a union between your mouth and her honey pot, please commit the following guidelines to memory:

1. Don't bite, don't blow into her, and for the love of Nasty Fridays please do not spit into her. I mean seriously - who does that?

2. The scratch & sniff is imperative. Once you're down there you are not allowed to complain about smell, taste, or excessive wetness. So please make sure you vetted the fruit before you declared it edible. If you failed to do your due diligence beforehand, you’re shit out of luck.

Oh and by the way – you are also not allowed to take breaks to brush your teeth or gargle with Listerine because you “need to get that taste out of your mouth”. That’s effing rank.

3. Be into it. A lot of girls are self-conscious about their ladyparts and will get tense when you go in for your close-up. If you make her feel like her flower is the best thing you’ve seen, smelled, or tasted, everyone’s gonna have a good time.

Alright. Let’s get into the nitty gritty of eating the clitty.

1. A good lead up is great

This applies to everyone, but it’s especially helpful for my friends who are not 100% confident in their skills. The best thing you can do for yourself is to whip your girl into a frenzy of anticipation. That way, by the time you make the first stroke of the tongue she’ll be so relieved it will take her a good 5-10 minutes before she realizes your head game is weak. So before you go for the gold, start by breathing gently over the puss. Kiss her thighs. Run your tongue along them near the sweetspot without actually touching it. You get the idea right? It’s the everything but approach. If you do this properly she will be thrusting the ladyflower at your face begging you to sniff it. And that’s always a good thing.

One caveat here though – don’t drag this on too long or you’ll anger her. As a wise man once told me “you got to tease but don’t play”.

2. Go easy on the clit

Gentlemen, lean in and read this closely: the clitty is a sensitive thing. There’s like 9,999,999,999 nerve endings in that bitch alright? Tread lightly because too much pressure, suction, or friction will turn the lake into a desert if you know what I mean. Handle it with care.

3. Pay attention to your surroundings

If you want the title of master of cunnilingus, you’ve got to get at the surrounding area. Start from the clit and work it all the way back to her ass (And get in there if you’re bad – I already schooled you on the beauty of the tossed salad). Make sure you’re not putting all your attention on the clit, the lips and the hole need love too.

4. Get it in

Speaking of the hole, did you know that the majority of the vagina’s nerve endings are around or just inside the opening? I know my small-penis dudes know this This means they should be just in reach of your tongue. And trust me, a tongue in the hole is a good look. A great look if you ever plan to go down on me.

3. Learn the art of communication

Like my homeboy @Nickel_Slikk said, the number one key to succeeding at top is to pay attention to verbal instructions and non-verbal signs. Some women are going to tell you in explicit detail what to put where, when, and for how long. Please listen to her if you want her to have a good time. But with other women, your only way to know you’re winning or losing is by listening to her breathing, the noises she’s making, and her overall body language. So please take a moment to “survey the scene and see what’s good” (copyright @DrJayJack) if you want to show her a good time.

5. A little suck does a lotta good

Now I know I told you to tread lightly with the clitoris and that’s true. But I don’t want you to fear it. When handled with care, the sensitivity of the little clitty can be your greatest ally. A well-timed and delicately-administered clit suck can elevate you to God of Pussy Eating status…and what man doesn’t want that?

Okay those are the basic tips. But I do have some advanced techniques for those of you who are looking to have her strung out on your ish:

1. Try a new position

No woman is going to throw you out of bed for using the classic she lies down, you get between her legs position but try this on for size:

Hold her upside down in front of you. Keep her head and shoulders resting on the bed with her back resting against your stomach and chest. Because you’re holding her, she won’t be bearing all the pressure on the back of her neck. Have her wrap her legs around your head and lock her feet behind your neck. Wrap your arms around her stomach and then simply lower your face to the puss. This is beautiful because she gets the pleasure of oral plus the head rush of being upside down.

FYI you need to be in shape to pull this off so it’s strictly for live men. For my freshmen who are looking to switch it up, just have her sit on your face.

2. Go for the G

While you’ve got your mouth down there, use your fingers or a toy to get at her G spot. She might squirt in your mouth, but she’ll love you for life.

3. Heat it up…or cool it down

Warming or cooling elements in your mouth while you’re down there can add a little extra thrill to the experience and dilute the taste of pussyjuice for the squeamish. Pop an Altoid, get you some Dentyne Fire, or go for a stimulating lube that adds a little zip but won't poison you.

4. Try this trick – the tongue tube

If you were genetically blessed with the ability to roll your tongue into a tube, why not make a clit sandwich? Roll your tongue around her little bud and then slide it up and down until she explodes. Thank me later.

And this concludes Cunnilingus 101 with Professor Max. I hope you’re all ready for the exam. It’s oral of course. Hahaha.

What are your top tips for good carpet munching? Ladies did I leave anything out? And men – I’m looking for someone who has successfully pulled off the upside-down head position…if you’ve done this, get at me because I have a birthday coming and that would make a great gift. It’s Friday – over-share in the comments.

Ten Songs I Hate and You Love

First things first: have you voted for me and my buddies yet??

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I am a contrary person. I don’t like to like the things that everyone likes. It’s a point of pride to me that I’ve never seen Friday, I refuse to watch Glee and True Blood because everyone loves them, and after all the talk about it, I will never watch the video for Best I Ever Had. In fact I’m so contrary that I’m considering giving up my shoe whore status for no better reason than the fact that every chick on the block loves shoes these days.

But in no area of my life am I more contrary than my taste in music. The bigger something gets, the more I run from it. I grudgingly broke down and listened to my first Lil Wayne song last summer and I have no intention of knowing what a Wacka Flocka, Plies, or P.Reign is.  Granted, I pretty much live in a bubble as far as my taste in music is concerned, but there’s nothing that will make me run from a song more than the fact that everyone loves it.

So without further ado, I give you 10 songs I effing hate that you (probably) love.

1. Real Love – Mary J. Blige

This song is soooo played out I literally cannot stand hearing it anymore. There is no less imaginative a song for a DJ to drop in the party than this. Any time I’m out and I hear it I have to throw two middle fingers at the DJ. It was dope at the time but there are a lot of dope Mary tracks…please pick something else. And yes, my ire extends to the remix.

2. Juicy – Notorious B.I.G.

Like everyone else I loved this song when it first came out but now I cannot believe people have the nerve to get themselves all amplified when they hear this in a party. Like – for real? You’re not over it? You haven’t spent enough of your life bawling out “Birthdays were the worst days/Now we sip champagne when we thirst-tay”? This is still exciting for you?

3. Hey Ya – OutKast

Unlike the previous two, I hated this song from the moment I first heard it.  And this is partly because I love old OutKast so much that it hurts my feelings that the people who made Spottieottiedopalicious also made this crap. Honestly this song makes me stabby. Like I really, really want to hurt someone when I hear it.

4. Step in the Name of Love – R. Kelly

I hate this song for itself but I hate it even more because someone always wants to grab my hand and start stepping with me when they hear it. Negro this is not Love Jones and you are not Darius. Let go of my hand and leave me be. I also hate the other one that always comes after it.

5. Just One of Those Days – Monica

Any day that I have to hear this song is “just one of those days “ for me. Haaaate it.

5. Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough – Michael Jackson

I know I’ll get some kind of pass revoked for stating publicly that I hate a Michael Jackson song, but so be it.  I do not like this song. Never have. And I’m about sick of Michael Jackson in general so there are many more that could be added to this list.

6. In Da Club – 50 Cent

This song is so horrible I couldn’t even come up with a blurb to write about it. I had to get my sister on the case. She says “this is one of those songs you should be ashamed to admit you ever liked”. I really couldn’t say it any better than that.

7. Love Like This – Faith

This song is like an assault to my ear drums. I dislike it so much it gives me panic attacks. I cannot stand it.

Sidebar: I also hate that horrible party mix that people always play that has this in it. You know the one? After the Love Like This part it goes “You got a hundred dollar bill put your hands up/You got a fifty dollar bill make noise!” When that comes on I start looking for a sharp object; not to stab myself but to cut the DJ for failing at life.

10. Move B*tch – Ludacris

Hate this song. Hate the obnoxious effect it has on men in the party who think it’s okay to shove people out of the way just because this dumb-ass song is making them hyper.

11. Get Low – Lil Jon & Eastside Boyz

Ugh. Just – ugh. I’m mad I’ve ever even heard this song.

Bonus: Gangster’s Paradise – Coolio

Technically this song shouldn’t even be on this list because I don’t think anyone likes it and if you do get off my blog and never come back, but I hate it so much I felt I had to mention it. I hate it so much I refused to watch the movie that shares its title just out of spite.

Anyone out there hate these songs as much as I do? Do you love them? What’s on your list of most hated by you/loved by everyone songs?

Reckless Talk

Don’t forget to vote for me for the Black Weblog Awards! All the info you need is right here.

In this day and age of casual sex, unrelationships, and random hook-ups, the need to keep our business quiet is greater than ever. Twitter, Facebook, and the always-watching streets can blow up your spot in an instant if you’re not careful. And while it’s one thing for us to do dirt, it’s quite another thing to have the whole world know about it.

The obvious solution of course is to hold down the information that you don’t want spread; whether it’s your own dirt or someone else’s. So if your bestie confided in you that she swallowed the seeds of her ex’s ace-boon-coon, you just put that info in the same vault that houses that time you got a little tipsy and went muff-diving with your college roommate. You just lock those little secrets up and throw away the key and your secrets are safe forever, right? Wrong.

Keeping secrets is all well and good, but it is possible to blow up a spot without spilling a secret, and that is by talking reckless.  Reckless talk is basically the “everything but” of secret-keeping; you’re not coming out and spilling; but you’re dancing as closely to it as possible and it’s a real problem; especially because a lot of people don’t know they’re doing it.

Not sure whether you’ve ever been guilty of reckless talk? Check out the top four sins of the reckless talker:

1. Veiled hints, random jokes and “subtle” digs

This is a pretty common way to recklessly reveal a secret; but it’s used more often by the trusted confidante of the dirt-doer than by the dirt-doer himself. This is the signature move of frenemies. 

Say for example you slammed the man your good-good-girlfriend has been lusting after for years and were dumb enough to confide in her about it. Then the next time you are all out together she starts dropping hints, cracking jokes, and making little sarcastic comments. You’re looking at her extra sideways like – are you trying to bait me out?  Yep she is.

2. Bringing inside jokes outside

I have uncovered more than one twitter hook up romance just by watching the “private” jokes fly back and forth between tweeters. Yeah that little bit you guys do about where you call him "Ron" and he calls you "Freddie" may seem like an unbreakable code when your brain has been addled by lust, but it only took me 0.02 seconds to get the reference and conclude that you're playing hide the banana, so you may want to save that for pillow talk.

3. Suspect tweets

Let’s say one of my favourite bloggers is visiting my city for a long weekend. We make plans to hang out and it turns into a hook-up. We decide to just keep it between us and not tell anyone. But the next thing you know I’m on twitter talking about “The bed in @streetztalk’s hotel room is really comfortable”. That’s reckless talk and it deserves a hard slap.

4. Offering of extraneous information

This is another one that is most often perpetrated by an innocent party rather than the person trying to keep secrets. Let me give you an example of what it looks like:

One night a mostly platonic male friend and I were out at a party. We bumped into an old acquaintance of his and he stopped to chat. After a few minutes she says something along the lines of "Oh is this your girlfriend? I'm so excited to finally meet you! I can't believe you guys have been together for almost 10 years and this is the first time I'm seeing you".

Reckless talk! What if I was the jump-off or the next side piece? That woman and her lose lips would have effed the whole flex up for him. There is no need for anyone to be offering up all that information unprompted...that's just reckless.

I’m sure that at least one of you is going to say that there’s no reason to be concerned about reckless talk if you’re not doing anything wrong and I guess that is partly true. At the same time, the same way that you wouldn’t come out and tell the world the name, rank, and serial number of the last dude that visited your honey box is the same way you don’t need to subtly allude to the identity of the last woman who choked on your seeds. There are a lot of people out there who just go around looking for clues so they can gather dirt on people. Govern yourself accordingly.

What about you guys? Have you ever been exposed by a reckless talker? Ever blown up your own spot with reckless talk? Speak on it in the comments.

Any 10 on Tuesday

I'm nominated for 3 Black Weblog Awards! Don't forget to vote for me - all the info you need is right here.

So Throwback Tuesdays was getting a bit stale so I thought it was about time we did something new around here on Tuesdays. This week we start “Any 10 on Tuesdays” – each week I’ll ask some poor sucker an interesting person a bunch of questions and they can answer any ten of them and you guys get to experience someone else's point of view for a change. Sound like fun? And because I just made up these questions five minutes ago it's my blog, I figured who better to start with than myself? Let's begin:

Describe yourself in three sentences or less:

Blogger. Bag lady. Weirdo. Advertising Nerd. Dirty Bird. Girly girl.

1. Is there something about your life or lifestyle that makes your perspective on dating/relationships unique?

I’m a blogger, and that scares the living daylights out of men. They live in fear of being written about…and sooner or later they usually are so I can’t even fault them for it.

2. To what extent are you willing to adapt this lifestyle to that of your partner?

If we were talking about an actual partner as in a serious boyfriend or a husband, I’d be willing to do a lot of adapting; for a casual thing; not so much. I mean, I’m not going to call anyone out of his name on here but if I’m given good material I will write about it…I have no choice!

3. What is your current relationship status? Are you happy with it?

I’m happily single…I love my hedonistic, max-centric lifestyle. I’d like to have a lot more sex few more dates but all things considered I’d say I’m doing alright.

4. What are your must-have qualities in a partner?

He must be smart. I will run rings around a dumb dude and that’s not fun for anybody.
He has to have good manners – you guys have heard me rant about that enough that I don’t need to say anything more.

5. What’s the stupidest thing you see women do in their relationships? The biggest mistake you see men making? 

The dumbest thing I see both genders do is letting pride or principles get in the way of peace. This is what we're doing when we're keeping score in our relationships, or when we're getting ultra-pissy over dumb shit like toilet seats, or when we refuse to apologize just because we're convinced we're right. It's basically like giving everything we've got to win a battle without even noticing that we're losing the war.

6. What is your fundamental relationship truth?

What goes on between a man and a woman is between that man and that woman. No matter what anyone else thinks, knows, or thinks they know; there are only two people who really see the truth of a relationship.

7. What’s the #1 thing men/women don’t realize about themselves?

Women – how much of what they say and do is driven by a need for validation. For men – how much of what they do and think is driven by ego.

8. What’s your fatal flaw in relationships?

I’m way too easy-going. I need to start kicking some ass!

9. What turns you on?

Dirty talk. Smarts. Confidence. Muscles. Beer breath. Big words.

10. Which habit of your most annoys the people you date?

Smoking!

11.What’s the first thing you notice in a man/woman?

Shoes. Or I should say shoes are the first thing that matters. I may not look at your shoes first but bad shoes will negate everything else.

23. How often do you believe it is normal to want sex?

Daily during the week. 2 or 3 times on weekends.

Okay so I went a little overboard there...but I'm nothing if not extreme, you guys know this already. If anyone's interested, you can see the questions I didn't answer here.

What say you about the questions and answers? Weigh in, discuss, heckle, what have you in the comments.

Just Some Stuff

It's a holiday so I'm taking a day off...I'm coming back tomorrow with a new Tuesday series that I'm hoping you enjoy.

I do want to take two quick secs to say a huge thank you to everyone who nominated me for the Black Weblog Awards. I'm nominated in three categories:

• Best Sex or Relationship Blog
• Best International Blog
• Best New Blog

I'm so excited! Please shoot over  here and vote for me one last time. While you're at it, don't forget my friends over at Three Ways to Take It, JG Runs the Kitchen, The FreshXpress, and Awesomely Luvvie.

And for my procrastinating peeps, the voting period is a lot shorter than the nominations period...so please get on over there and vote before you forget!

Happy Black Christmas (aka Civic Holiday) everyone!